May 24, 2013

Dealbreaker: The Guy Who “Forgot” His Wallet

1b60e275c115c47db11dcb29c2eb4fc7 Dealbreaker: The Guy Who “Forgot” His Wallet

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — I feel like a to my feminist values to admit this, but I expect the guy to pay for the . I know, I know! That is the lone issue about which I’m a and perhaps it comes from my father. He has taught me myriad important lessons: respect for nature, how to ride a bike, and that men should always pay for the first date, no exceptions. My dad is a true product of the 1950?s and he has long instructed me to leave my at home when I go on a first date (not figuratively—literally don’t bring any cash because the man should pay and that’s that). While I agree with my dad, I’ve chosen to ignore his suggestion and show up on first dates with my … just in case.

Recently, I went on a date with a handsome fellow Brooklynite. He had arrived on foot to the date since he lived nearby and it was an unseasonably warm evening (note that he walked, so didn’t have to deal with a subway pass or cash for a cab—store that away for later). We had planned to meet at a of my choosing, but there was a private event at that venue, so we walked around a bit and ended up at my favorite Italian restaurant and . We sat at the lovely marble bar and ordered wine (by the glass). I suspect that neither of us wanted to order a full bottle and strap in for the potential hour’s worth of stilted conversation with a stranger we weren’t sure if we liked yet, so we took it glass by glass, which adds up quickly. After quite a few glasses, he suggested that we split an entrée and I rolled with the even though I wasn’t especially hungry.

Conversation was good, but I wasn’t sure whether or not a was in our future, so when the check arrived I was going to see how he played it and, against the rules of my dad, I was planning to offer to pay for half. In my sophisticated and somewhat illogical of principles, letting a guy who I’m not sure I’m interested pay for a first date is a worse offense than a guy I am interested in not offering to pay for a first date. I just never want to take advantage of anyone and that’s how I’d feel if I had let him pay for everything with no assurance that we’d see each other again. So in this instance, I was ready and willing to go Dutch.

The check arrived and I began my elaborate routine of digging through my purse to look for my wallet while waiting for him to stop me because he’d inevitably insist on paying. That’s just the dance of the first date. But I truly wanted to pay for half, so I’d offer that and insist and we’d see where the chips fell on the floor of this wine bar, so to speak. My purse digging routine went on for a while and he said nothing to shoo me away from searching for my wallet. Rather, HE spent an inordinate amount of time digging through his jacket pockets and emptying their contents onto the bar: his apartment keys, his iPhone, his ear buds. Each item was carefully and deliberately pulled out of the pockets as though he were a prosecutor presenting his evidence to the jury. After this display he uttered something that sounded a line of dialogue from an unconvincing actor,“Huh…well I must have left my wallet at home.”

“Oh my goodness! Did you lose it? Can you remember when you last had it?” I reacted with enough emotion for both of us, as one normally does when one’s wallet is suddenly missing.

“I had it at my apartment before I left … I’m sure I did. I must have just left it at my apartment. This is embarrassing,” he said with suspiciously flat affect.

I squinted my eyes and stared at him as I attempted to read the situation. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he was an honest person who had genuinely, accidentally left his wallet at home. After all, he had walked to our date so the facts lined up that he wouldn’t have realized his wallet was missing until now, $100 worth of wine and food later.

But the no-nonsense city gal in me chimed in, Come on, Selena—isn’t it convenient that he “forgot” his wallet? You’ve seen “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels,” so you know that some guys manipulate situations like this to fill the pawn with self-doubt in order to get what they want. In that movie it was much bigger scores, but with this guy it would seem to be a few glasses of wine and dinner. Don’t be a fool–he’s a mooch, a grifter, and you’re just a pawn!

But he was so well-dressed—surely his finances weren’t so tight that he needed to hustle ladies for free drinks and food. Look at that starched, dry cleaned collar! Or was that part of the manipulation? Dress like you’re a classy guy who has money, then the story that you simply “forgot” your wallet carries more weight. I was so torn!

As these two lines of reasoning volleyed back and forth in my head, my date sat there and remained stunningly calm and matter-of-fact about the whole thing. I wanted to give him notes like a film director to an actor, Listen buddy, if you’re going to use first dates to score free drinks and food, ya might want to SELL the whole “forgotten wallet” schtick a bit more. Just act more shocked and nervous—like how you would act if you had truly had forgotten your wallet. OK? Great–let’s try it again, but this time with feeling.

I had to make a decision then and there, though. There was no take two. Perhaps I should have asked him to mail me a check for his half. Perhaps he should have offered to do that without any prompting. Perhaps I should have paid only my half of the bill and left him at the wine bar to wash $50 plus tip worth of dishes (or whatever task a restaurant supposedly makes penniless customers do these days). But I didn’t want to leave my lovely local wine bar in the lurch, either. So I smiled and ponied up $100 for drinks and food with a guy who was either forgetful and unemotional or a master manipulator—I’m still not sure.

He walked me to my apartment where we hugged goodbye as he said that the next date would be “on him” and I thought, There’s not going to be another date. And sure enough there wasn’t—no worthwhile follow up from him, no suggestion of another date. And that was just fine with me.

Selena Coppock is a comedian and author. Her first book, The New Rules for Blondes, is now available for pre-order.

Men Only Really Want One Woman, Says New Book — Who’s Buying This?

threesome11 Men Only Really Want One Woman, Says New Book    Whos Buying This?

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — I’ve heard some nutty theories in my time, but this one takes the prize. A new book, Challenging , is claiming that whole wanting to screw as many women as humanly possible before they die is a load of hogwash. That, in fact, the majority of just want to be with one woman. And no, this isn’t an article by The Onion. The book’s author (a man) is quite serious. But yet I’m laughing. Sorry.

Well, if true, this would certainly be good news, right? We ladies could relax a bit. We could actually have kids without worrying our guy is gonna replace us with a younger version one day, cause that never happens, right? We certainly don’t have to worry about that hot coworker of his. He always says he never notices her and maybe he’s ! (More laughter.) Well, let’s check out what this highly deluded optimistic author has to say …

Andrew Smiler — surely a traitor to the player cause — writes that far from wanting to hump every female they see, guys actually just want to settle down with one gal and be monogamous. Um, but for how long are we talking, Andy?

Well, according to the author, 75 percent of men want just one partner for the next month. And the rest want two (or more). So … one month, seriously? That’s as far ahead as they go?

Anyway, Smiler says that the media blows up these stories of (hello Arnold, Tiger, Jesse James, , etc., etc., etc., etc. …), but in reality guys are just looking for that special someone with whom they can have an emotionally (For the whole month! Whee!). He told Jezebel:

The Casanova is so deeply ingrained that people are convinced that boys who claim to want relationships rather than are either incredibly rare, or full of crap.

Well, forgive me for sounding cynical, Mr. Smiler. I’ve been hit on by enough married guys in my life to take all of this with a . Maybe I happened to get these dudes on the wrong month? He also says that this “myth” of the cheating male makes women act suspicious and cynical around guys, as they wait for the inevitable “betrayal.”

Hey, I guess these ladies didn’t know about Monogamy Month. Smiler also says there are three groups of men: Ones who are players and want more than one sexual partner; ones who are religious and abstinent until marriage; and ones that want monogamy. And the last group is by far the most common. But define “want” is what I say. “Want” might mean, “This is what I think I can get away with. So I’ll stick with it for now.” I know. Cynical.

Look, I’m not saying all men are cheaters. But I think most guys would love to bang another woman if they could … and not get caught. Or maybe they truly love their wives and don’t want to cheat, but they still lust and fantasize. Which is fine. Long as they keep it in their pocket.

What happened to the rule of law? US, Pakistan and Doctor Afridi

1e998c3708d43c6af193c160c5884927 What happened to the rule of law? US, Pakistan and Doctor Afridi

( News / ) — According to the Pakistani media, Shakil Afridi, the worked with the CIA to help track down Osama bin Laden, has been jailed not for his role in trying to find the al Qaeda leader, but for colluding with the Lashkar-e-Islam and its chief, Mangal Bagh, based in Pakistan’s bordering Afghanistan. Dawn newspaper cited showing that the tribal court which sentenced him to in jail ”did not entertain evidence relating to Dr Shakil Afridi’s involvement with the CIA, citing lack of jurisdiction as the main reason….” (Afridi was sentenced under the Frontier Crimes Regulation (FCR), a British colonial-era law used to deal with Pakistan’s Federally Administered (FATA)). Instead, Afridi – arrested on May 23, 2011 shortly after the May 2 raid by U.S. forces who found and killed bin Laden in the town of Abbottabad – was convicted on the basis of “his love for Mangal Bagh”. “The court held that the LI (Lashkar-e-Islam) had sought the support of foreign across the border in Afghanistan to wage war against the state of Pakistan and that Mr Afridi’s association with the militant outfit proved his involvement in activities inimical to the state of Pakistan.”

For the purposes of argument let’s take this account at – and at this point nothing about the Afridi case should be considered “true” in any meaningful sense. (Under the FCR he has had no opportunity to speak in public and give his side of the story and if he were under trial in a fair court of law, he would have to be assumed innocent until proven guilty.) If he was sentenced for links to Mangal Bagh, the question of whether he was a hero or a in working with the CIA is irrelevant. So too are the ethics of running a fake scheme to try to find bin Laden – for which Afridi stands accused not as a traitor but a bad doctor.

The only factor which is directly relevant to his 33-year sentencing is his alleged links with Mangal Bagh.

To make sense of this, go back to a story published by Declan Walsh at The New York Times on May 2, 2012. “Dr. Afridi had a reputation for hustling as well as healing, and he faced multiple allegations of corruption and professional malpractice, according to officials, colleagues and government papers seen by The New York Times. At his private practice, several patients claimed he performed improper operations to make extra money, prompting a local warlord named Mangal Bagh to detain him for a week in 2008 until he paid a fine of $11,100.”

The Pakistani journalist Asad Munir had a similar story in the Express Tribune. “In 2008, on complaints from locals, reportedly Mangal Bagh summoned him and fined him one million rupees. After the fine was not paid initially, Dr Afridi was kidnapped by Mangal Bagh’s men and released only after it was paid.”

In other words, a man who paid off his kidnappers has been sentenced to 33 years in jail under a Raj-era regulation which gives him no right to a fair trial for alleged links to those same men.

There is very little you can say that is right about this – the fake vaccination scheme and indeed the illegality of working for a foreign intelligence service being not directly relevant to the case. (And even working for the Americans is mitigated by the fact that Pakistani newspapers published rewards offered by the CIA for information leading to the capture of bin Laden and other al Qaeda leaders.)

The doctor would not be the only one to pay off his kidnappers – it happens far more often than is reported. Nor, as someone pointed out on Twitter, would he be the only one to pay off militants – so do all the truckers taking NATO supplies into Afghanistan – if, and when, the routes are reopened by Pakistan. And for good measure, if the Pakistan Army – operating under a parliamentary resolution to “give peace a chance” – wants to make deals with militants in the tribal areas, they will have to buy off some while targetting the others, as they have done in the past. Are all those involved – or at least those who like the doctor are originally from FATA – to be tried under the FCR and jailed?

Again, at risk of repetition, we do not actually know the truth. But what if we wake up tomorrow morning to read yet another version of the Afridi story? He was sentenced under what is widely recognised to be an unfair system. The Frontier Crimes Regulation was created by the British to impose control on the tribal areas and keep its inhabitants outside of the rule of law introduced under the Raj , not to give the people living there rights as citizens. A conviction under an unfair law remains unfair regardless of the extraneous circumstances.

Now consider what might happen next. Because the FCR gives authorities pretty much the power to do as they like, Pakistan has also retained greater flexibility to do as it chooses with Afridi than if he had been tried in the regular legal system. He can be included as a bargaining chip in negotiations with America over the reopening of NATO supply routes – closed after Pakistani soldiers were killed in a cross-border attack last year.

Indeed, former Inter-Services Intelligence chief Asad Durrani has suggested that Afridi could be swapped for Aafia Siddiqui, the Pakistani neuroscientist jailed in the United States for activities related to terrorism. To be clear – a man sentenced under an unfair system could be swapped for a woman the United States believes – and Pakistan disputes this – was tried and sentenced after a fair trial? Durrani even suggested that she might be awarded the highest military decoration given by Pakistan. “…we may also start owning up our heroes and swap them with theirs. It would be nice to award a Nishan-e-Haider to someone still alive, and a female at that!”

Does it look ugly? Unethical? Illegal?

But there is a mirror here. The United States also stands accused of bending the law in order to describe drone attacks in Pakistan’s tribal areas as legal. The use of drones can be – arguably -justified for other reasons. They cause fewer civilian casualties than other military operations including non-drone airstrikes or artillery shelling. They cause fewer deaths than the militants whom they are used to eliminate. And there is a frustrating hypocrisy among those who condemn drones while not also condemning military operations, Pakistani Taliban violence, or indeed the FCR itself, whose abolition would go a long way to resolving the problems in the tribal areas. But the US insistence on setting itself up as judge and jury on the legality of its drone programme, without any real transparency, is deeply corrosive. It leaves little moral authority for insisting that the rule of law be upheld in Pakistan. And that is one of the greatest casualties of the long war since the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks. When the last vestiges of respect for the rule of law are lost, the war is lost.

In a lengthy piece about the children of militants, Australian al Qaeda expert Leah Farrall calls for them to be treated humanely and extends her argument out into a discussion of how our failure to do so shows how far our approach to counter-terrorism has gone astray since 9/11. Quoting Australia’s National Counter Terrorism White Paper, she notes that it says, “to be effective Australia must pursue a principled and proportionate response that promotes and upholds the values we seek to protect. The Government does not support the use of torture or other unlawful methods in response to terrorism. Terrorism is a crime and the Government will pursue terrorists within proper legal frameworks and in accordance with the rule of law.” (my italics). She then adds, “I can’t tell you how many times in dialogues I’ve ended up with nothing else left to say in trying to explain the ‘war on terror’ except for ‘but we’re not like that…””

In the case of Doctor Afridi, two wrongs do not make a right. There is nothing worse than the moral equivocation – and I have seen this cropping up in Twitter debates amongst others – that cites Guantanamo to justify the treatment of Doctor Afridi. By extension, if someone is unfairly jailed by one country, am I supposed to believe it is fine to be unfairly imprisoned in my own? Under the rule of law, each individual is entitled to a fair trial regardless of what happens to anyone else. What has happened in the last 11 years that has led to this? Have we reached the stage that rather than calling for a fair trial, Afridi could instead be included in the haggling over the price the United States and NATO pay per truckload of supplies going through Pakistan into Afghanistan?

Or as Leah Farrall said more succintly on Twitter, “Anyone who claims the war on terror is being won is a great big fat liar.

Real men talk about guys’ night out

0a2d87ead753e23ed47e6db15e2c9c3d Real men talk about guys’ night out

( News / .com) — Let’s admit it: When men get together for some bonding time, it isn’t always pretty. When women aren’t around to keep us in check, the conversation can, well, devolve a few thousand years. Raunchy jokes, about the girls we’re seeing, and furtive exclamations of “Dude, check her out!” abound. But what I’m here to say is, one hour of eavesdropping on these clandestine conversations will give you more insight into the male mind than a semester’s worth of cramming at the “relationships” section of Barnes & Noble. So, at the risk of being branded a to my brothers, I’m going to break the .

I invited three of my single to a night out in New York, bought a , and got them talking about women they’ve dated, who they’d like to date (many of whom were right in front of us), and women that, to be honest, make us want to run in the opposite direction. Listen and learn, ladies.

The guys:
Brendan, 24, illustrator
Beecher, 25, art manager
Joe, 25,

Q: So guys, in an ideal world, what do you hope will happen tonight?
Beecher: Nothing specific. Eighty percent of the time, I’m just here to hang out, 10 percent of the time I’m actively looking to snag a woman, and then the other 10 percent of the time, I’m here just to flirt. You know — keep my game strong.

Joe: Yeah, because you’ve got so much game.

Beecher: Stop teasing me, man!

Brendan: My goal is to kick everyone’s in that , Deer Hunter. Otherwise, I want to relax. As for women, if I meet one who’s worth the effort, great. If not, no big deal.

Q: Which women in the room catch your eye, and why?
Joe: The short brunette to my left. She had the good taste to check me out when I came in; I watched her look me up and down. Pretty face, OK body. I like a girl who isn’t super-attractive — it’s less intimidating that way.

Brendan: I like the same girl who caught Joe’s eye because she has a crook in her nose. I like large noses — maybe because I have one, too. I suppose it may stem from some deep desire to fall in love with someone like myself.

Beecher: The same girl and her friend caught my eye. I’m guessing neither of them is taken, since they’re sizing up all the guys in the room… including Joe. But on further review, those chicks are not my type. Neither of them is as cute as the brunette with the pink scarf over there. She has curves, and I love curves.

Q: Does the way a woman dresses matter to you?
Beecher: It has to do with how she carries herself. She could dress preppy as long as she looks comfortable. On the flip side, she could dress like a hipster and seem more concerned with how she looks — and that’s a turn-off.

Joe: Exactly. It’s not the clothes — it’s the attitude. She just has to have her own style. Besides, if she’s wearing a $100,000 outfit, I’d have no idea.

Brendan: I don’t want a girl who’s wearing a lot of Gucci. That just says “high-maintenance” to me.

Q: Can a girl dress too sexy?
Beecher: I don’t like a girl showing too much. I want something left to the imagination. I like cleavage, but too much is distracting. I won’t be able to look at her face.

Joe: Not a chance.

Q: What convinces you to approach a woman?
Beecher: I’m all about the quality of eye contact. The more there is, the more I’m willing to introduce myself.

Brendan: I know a woman is worth talking to if she has a great laugh. Not deep, not snorting, not high or annoying. Melodic, maybe? I don’t know. I just know it when I hear it.

Joe: When I’m attracted to a girl, I’m attracted to the way she’s having fun. I want the one who’s having a ball.

Q: So your first move is… what, then?
Joe: If she’s been dancing, I’ll go up to her between songs and say, “Hey, I think you’re a really good dancer.” Then I’ll pick out a move she did and mimic it. “I really like that slide you were doing before.” If she can’t pick up on my jokes, laugh, and have fun with me, then forget it.

Beecher: I almost never make the first move. I’m reliant on the conversation being directed at me. I’ve thought about hanging out nearby and waiting for a good time to jump in, but that just seems creepy. I’ve got no guts.

Brendan: Not me. I’ll just go up and introduce myself. I still think the best pick-up line is, “Hi, I’m Brendan.”

Q: How do you show a woman you’re into her?
Joe: For me, it’s heavy eye contact and touching her as soon as possible.

Brendan: See, if I’m talking to a girl I like and I have to go to the bathroom or something, I’ll make sure she knows I’m coming back. But if I excuse myself and don’t show that I’m interested in talking further, then I’m cutting it off right then.

Q: What can women do to turn you off?
Beecher: Play too hard to get. And I don’t like women who put themselves down a lot. It feels like they’re fishing for compliments.

Brendan: I think the flipside is a woman who’s way too into you. Interest is great; fawning isn’t.

Joe: I don’t know what would turn me off. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time a woman annoyed me.

Q: Ever been picked up by a woman? Do you like that, or would you rather make the first move?
Beecher: Doesn’t scare me one bit. They’re being forward about something I want. It’s kind of like going to a cake store to buy a cake, and when you walk in, they offer you a free one. It’s like, “Thanks, that’s exactly what I was looking for.”

Brendan: A big “yes” to that one. I guess it’s because I’m more of a relationship guy, so I’m not usually looking to hook up with a random girl. I’ve been interested in women and they’ve been far too forward — or alluded to getting physical way too quickly. If within the first three drinks she says, “Hey, let’s go back to your place,” I think that she’s probably done this with tons of other guys.

Joe: Yeah, this woman I met recently did something like that. I don’t think a woman can be too forward — just too forward a little too quickly. Once I think it’s in the bag, it’s no fun anymore. There’s no chase.

Q: Ever end up in a relationship with someone you’ve met at the bar?
Joe: Yeah, plenty. I’m not picky about where I meet a girl.

Brendan: I haven’t. It’s not that I’m against meeting a woman that way. I just don’t date that many people, and the ones that I end up dating, I tend to know through someone else.

Beecher: Same with me. I tend to date within my social network. Friend-of-a-friend. But I have had a couple of relationships that kicked off in a bar. Women I knew beforehand, of course, but when we got a few drinks in us…

Q: Do guys’ nights out change once someone in the group has a girlfriend?
Beecher: Not for me. I’m just going to do what I want.

Joe: I love going out with friends who have girlfriends. That means less competition. It also means I’ve got a wingman to help me out.

Brendan: Yeah. As long as there’s one single guy in the group, it’s fine. Everyone lives vicariously through him.

Q: And if you’re that guy with a girlfriend, where do you draw the line at what you will and won’t do when you’re out with your buddies?
Brendan: Well, I wouldn’t cheat on my girlfriend, if that’s what you’re asking. My rule is, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do in front of my girlfriend.”

Beecher: I might flirt a little, though. No harm in having a little fun.

Joe: If I was in a serious relationship, I would keep it clean, definitely.

Beecher: Except you never consider any relationship “serious.”

Joe: Doesn’t change my answer.

Jonathan Wilde writes for Maxim and other publications