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What Does “I Need Space” Really Mean?

April 29, 2013 By Leave a Comment

cf2aa12ed2e76b4f8a553ac433fdaa13 What Does I Need Space Really Mean?

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) — Giving your spouse “space” is a very common topic in relationships today. Many husbands and and are on the receiving end of such a request from a significant other who says they need to “work out their ” or “time to sort things out.”

Most people who hear this request have an overwhelmingly negative response. Very few feel that this is a great idea or something that they want to do. Most see “giving them space” as one of the more risky and painful options possible because there’s a real fear that the space is just the first step toward a or break up. Many that if they give their significant other a taste of what the world would be like without them, they may decide that they really like it and have no interest in coming back.

Agree or Disagree?

So, your of several years says they need time away from you. Hurt, confused and upset, you immediately consult with your family and friends. You feel that if you agree, you’re basically saying “see ya!” to the . They second they’re out at a club, drunk with their friends, feeling lightened from the natural responsibilities that go along with mlost relationships, and they’ll the experience too much to come back to you.

But most of your inner circle says that you might as well give them the space they’re asking for, since to not allow it could be disastrous, too.

There’s no definitive answer here because any answer is really just a guess. Without letting the scenario play out, there is really no way to know what the person needing space will do once they’re significant other has made a decision that set things into motion.

But again, since this is a very common relationship request, have seen certain patterns play out that may help you better understand the situation:

A Request For Space Doesn’t Always Mean They Want The Relationship To End

It’s very understandable that this is going to be the greatest fear. After all, not many people would see a for separation as a good sign regarding the health or outcome of the relationship. But, while this can and certainly often does mean that the relationship is having some problems, it certainly doesn’t mean that the relationship is going to end.

Experts also firmly believe that not only to many people not have divorce or splitting up on their mind when they do ask for space, those they are contemplating breaking up end up realizing that they miss their significant other, or that the single life or the loneliness that space brought about was not as great as they thought it’d be.

This doesn’t happen in every case. And yes, sometimes you will have to encourage the process to play out exactly as you want it to, but it can be a real mistake to just assume that the person needing space really wants (and eventually is going to seek) a separation or divorce.

Refusing To Give Someone Space Can Be Riskier Than Allowing It

Say your significant other requests a relationship timeout, and you respond by saying this isn’t a good idea andy you refused to agree to it. Chances are, the person making the request wouldn’t just accept this with a shrug of their shoulders.

Most would be very frustrated, and would maybe even feel as if you’re trying to thwart their happiness. Some may feel that in order to remove the frustration from their lives, they have to remove you also. Meaning that, by refusing a timeout reques, you may encourage the very breakup that you wanted to avoid.

How To Avoid Making Things Worse When Someone Asks For Space

1st: Push for a compromise. The worst thing that you can do is to leave things open ended. Instead, you want to have as clear of an understanding as possible as to how things are going to work. You also want to make regular interaction a priority. Perhaps you could give them a lot more leeway (at least for a little while) without them needing to move out. Or maybe you could be the one to leave since you could easily control when you came back. Also, you could push for an agreement as to when they will come back and when the two of you will check in with and see one another.

2nd: Once the relationship timeout is in session, you should control your own behavior. Try to avoid appearing clingy, desperate or needy.

3rd: What about your needs in all this? Remember the person in the mirror? Although it should be clear that you value your relationship and ultimately want to save it,there’s nothing wrong with taking full advantage of the time apart to explore your own options and have some fun. Take time to do more of the things that you want to do, and focus more on you. Rememember that relationships are about two people, not one, and you may find that the time apart helps you to discover new insights about what makes you happy, how (and even if) the relationship is truly fulfilling your needs, and bring new ideas to the relationship table – and to your own life. Even if it’s not actually always the case, demonstrate that you are handling things in a positive way, and that you aren’t sitting at home, alone, pining away for the other person.

Regardless of how time apart plays out, always remember to never forget YOU in this process, and to try your hardest to do what’s necessary to keep yourself healthy. Things always have a way of working out the way they’re meant to work out.

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Quick Relationship Fixes

March 26, 2013 By Leave a Comment

cc5dec3598726484fc4baaf7c93d4bf8 Quick Relationship Fixes

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) – Not too long ago, one of my very good friends was a having a of trouble. Maybe it was wrong, but I kinda laughed when she said “If I hear the words ‘date night’ from one more expert, I’m going to throw some in their face!”

My friend didn’t want to make a date night every single night. Or jump out of a plane to get the flowing. Or enroll in Circus Performing 101. She just wanted a , and what really frustrated her was that people generally recommend doing all the above and more to beat a passion .

As my friend said, all the above take t-i-m-e (not to mention some acrobatic skills), which some of us don’t have a lot of these days.

So, how do you keep a relationship going strong when you just don’t have tons of time?

If You Have 10 Seconds…. Hit pause. This will come in handy the next time he’s getting on your very last nerve. Say, when he’s procastinating, making you late again to visit your mother. Before one righteous word flies out of your mouth, FREEZE. Just watch him for 10 seconds. Visualize yourself in his shoes. Visualize him as he looked the first time you fell in love with him. Ten seconds gives you time to think about whether this is serious enough to fight about, and understand what might be going on in his mind. Then again, you might conclude that, yes, he is a total jerk. But at least you tried!

If You Have One Minute…Embrace each other gently and gradually synchronize your breathing with his. Just stand there inhaling and exhaling together, as if you were one being. A minute or two of this, apparently, lowers your inhibitions—and that can help people bond.

If You Have … Jot down three things that your has done lately that you appreciate (umm, even if you can only recall one thing, that’s good, too). Send the list as a note to them in an email at work. Or slip it under their coffee mug in the morning. Or just casually mention, “You know, I liked the way you handled that rude waiter the other day.” Yeah, it’s a tad corny, but experts say it really works. Certainly, if there’s one thing the research on happy long-term shows, it’s that they figure out how to accentuate the positive. “When you say or list what you appreciate in them, it brings those things more to the forefront of the mind,” says Gail Saltz, MD, Today Show commentator and author of The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life. “It also prompts them to say what they really appreciate about you.”

If You Have Three Minutes…Standing or sitting fairly close to your partner, start moving your hands, arms, and legs any way you like—but in a fashion that perfectly mimics theirs. “This is fun but also challenging,” Epstein writes. “You will both feel as if you are moving voluntarily, but your actions are also linked to those of your partner.” This is a great exercise to help you better relate to and understand each other.

If You Have Five Minutes… Try a daily forgiveness ritual, suggests Sharon Salzberg, a revered spiritual teacher and cofounder of the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts. It’s like a little shot of immunity to prevent you from fighting. Find a quiet spot to sit, and let these phrases go through your mind: “If I have hurt or harmed you, knowing or unknowingly, I ask your forgiveness. If you have hurt or harmed me, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive you.” You’re not saying, ‘It’s all right that you did that,’” Salzberg explains. You’re just opening up your mind to ideas like, “I let go of seeing you solely as the perpetrator; I understand the conditions that led to that action,” and, “I am not identifying myself only as the person who was hurt; I’m bigger than that.” You may even realize that letting go of unrelieved anger gives you more space for love to grow.

Five minutes a day of the above exercises should warm things up. For a real intimacy boost? Get your significant other to follow these tips together!

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Love and the sleep secret

February 14, 2013 By Leave a Comment

dd0a99fc3e525671c93719155ca05f96 Love and the sleep secret

(PhatzNewsRoom / .com) — By the time you’re drifting off to dreamland after your latest date with a or , you may be wondering: How well will I get along with this person in the days, weeks, or months to come? Well, according to one study, you can start doing your research immediately — by asking about the position your regularly snoozes in. After surveying 1,000 people about their and preferred sleeping position, Chris Idzikowski, director of the Centre, came up with some startlingly accurate correlations between the two. Match your new ’s pose to one of the six categories below, and you’ll have a good idea how things will pan out in the long run.

Position 1: Curled up on his or her side. Going fetal is the most common sleeping position, with 41 percent of people (and twice as many women as men) reporting it as their . These snoozers may seem tough on the surface, but they’re actually sensitive and shy, so keep that in mind if you want to crack a in the a.m. about your sweetie’s morning breath.

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How to enjoy group dates

January 11, 2013 By Leave a Comment

groupdate How to enjoy group dates

(PhatzNewsRoom / Match.com) — Let’s face it: The of a one-on-one meeting is unbeatable for getting to know someone. But sooner or later, most couples — whether they’ve just begun dating or have been together for months — start itching to break out of their cozy little twosome and hang with other people. Group dates, in fact, are all the rage these days, although they’re hardly a new phenomenon: It’s been said that was the king of group dating, and his former paramour Angie Dickinson has been quoted saying they almost never went out alone. So if your own sweetie suggests, “Hey, wanna meet up with a few of my friends after work on Friday?” don’t feel dissed or intimidated. Consider it a casual way to mix things up and meet some of your date’s inner circle and introduce your date to some of yours.

That said, group dates do have their own rules of etiquette that, if ignored, can drive a wedge between you and your sweetie. So before you jump into the crowd, remember these points to keep those group dynamics working in your favor.

Arrive together if you can — and definitely leave as a duo
A group date is not an excuse to send proper dating courtesy out the window. Unless it’s insanely inconvenient (like, you’re both driving in from opposite directions), try to arrive with your date — and unless he or she has to bail super-early due to subsequent engagements, leave together. “This seems to be mind-numbing , but I’ve seen people violate it, especially when the conversation starts flowing,” notes Ron Geraci, an online dating expert and author of The Chronicles. Arriving and leaving together sends your partner the message that although you’re in a group situation, it’s still a date between the two of you. So, no matter how tempted you are to say “Well, see ya” so you can hang a little longer with your posse, resist the urge.

your
If there are people at the event who haven’t met your date yet, it’s imperative that you make the necessary introductions versus leaving it up to your to do so. But if you haven’t discussed whether you’re officially an item yet, what should you say? The “boyfriend/” terminology may sound too serious, while “this is my friend Nadia” could be offensively casual. Veteran group dater Kimb Smith, 26, however, has figured out a comfortable in-between move. “It’s a body language thing — you don’t necessarily have to call him or her anything,” she says. “An introduction during which you touch your date’s arm or put your arm around the other person is subtle, but still makes the point.”

Never neglect your date
While you and your date certainly shouldn’t stay joined at the hip all night, the last thing you want is for him or her to feel ignored. “Nothing makes a date feel less valued than when you get distracted by everything and everyone except your date,” points out expert April Masini. One easy, low-maintenance way to show you’re keeping an eye on your partner in crime is to make sure he or she is never in need of a drink — whether that’s a lemonade or a latte. If your date is empty-handed, grab a snack or drink or at least make the offer. “Even if you’re both in line to order but aren’t standing together, pay for your sweetie’s next beverage,” says Kimb. “It sends a nice message.”

Avoid insider conversations
“That means you spend 90 percent of your time talking to your date and you give others in the group mini-briefings to get them up to speed,” Geraci advises. “Many people on group dates do exactly the opposite: they talk fluidly to a friend or coworker about something that’s inside knowledge to the two of them, and then lovingly stop at regular intervals to fill in their dates on the details they lack. This is a subtle way of telling someone, ‘You’re not necessary here and we’re making concessions for you.’ You never want your date to be on the recieving end of that feeling. It’s deadly.” However, by the same token…

No private asides with your date, please
You and your sweetheart will have plenty of time later on to swap sweet nothings or other observations after your outing. So, do everyone else a huge favor and refrain from indulging in very private asides in front of the group. “It’s kind of rude,” says group dater Rich Juzwiak. “I just think that whenever two people are in a group and they close themselves off by whispering or whatever, the automatic assumption (however faulty) is that they’re talking about the other people, you know?”

Master the art of private affections
“Public displays of affection — kissing or anything else in front of others — annoy the living daylights out of many people,” points out Geraci. “And this annoyance becomes more aggravated in a group, because it’ll likely have the effect of emphasizing single people’s hard-up status and other couples’ lack of comfort in being that openly affectionate.” Still, if you’re dying to lavish a little on your significant other, there are ways to do so: namely, private PDA. For example: “Sometimes my boyfriend will squeeze my knee under the table if we’re at dinner,” says Sharolyn Wiebe, 31. “It says, ‘I haven’t forgotten about you.’” A private PDA need not be invisible to others; it just needs to be something that won’t raise eyebrows. Charles Peterson, 35, offers this alternative: “One night I was at a club with a group of friends and my date. While we were waiting in line to get in, I reached over and tickled her briefly. It was fun and playful. It shows you’re paying special attention to your mate that you don’t show to your friends.”

Use eye contact to connect with your date
Even if your sweetie’s way over at the other end of the room, there’s a way you can send a quick “thinking of you” love dart his or her way: namely, through eye contact. “Using eye contact as a way of communicating can be very romantic and sexy,” says relationship expert Janice Hoffman. What does she recommend? “Make eye contact with your date and use facial expressions to communicate. Smile at your date. Wink once in awhile. This lets your date know you are enjoying his or her company, even when you’re not close.”

Top off your group date with a little one-on-one time
So you and your have mingled up a storm. The end of the night is a perfect time to peel off and indulge in a little alone time over a leisurely stroll or shared dessert. When 27-year-old Adam Grayson found himself driving for most of the group dates he and his girlfriend went on, he figured out the perfect way to cap off the evening. “I would always pick everyone up and drop everyone off,” he recalls. “So I’d always take everyone else home first, then either wind up at her place or my place, depending on whether I picked her up or she met me at my house. That way, even if we didn’t spend the night together we could have a little alone time before our evening came to a close.”

Carly Milne has written for Maxim, Stuff, and other publications.

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Kwanzaa for couples

December 26, 2012 By Leave a Comment

lead kwanza 378x365 Kwanzaa for couples

(PhatzNewsRoom / .com) — Each year, the African-American community pays to its families, friends, and spirit during the seven days of Kwanzaa, a holiday for people of any religion. But what about you and your sweetie — or that you have your eye on? How can the two of you get in the ? We have the answer with these fun, Kwanzaa-flavored dates. Now, you may not be able to pack them all in during the week of December 26th, when the holiday occurs this year, but keep these ideas on hand and let them add and an to your dating life in the year ahead.

1. Make it a group get-together
The first day of Kwanzaa celebrates Umoja (-MOE-jah), the unity among families and communities. Are we sending you out on a date with your parents? Absolutely not! A friendly outing with another couple or two is what we have in mind. It’s sure to bring you and your date closer while emphasizing the bonds you’re all building. This plan can take the pressure off if you’re inviting someone special out for the first time. And if you’re a that’s been stuck in the “let’s rent a DVD” rut, it can add a nice change-up, too. Challenge the other duo to a bowling match, go ice skating en masse, or play a game of Scrabble. (Just remember to play nicely — there’s only one “m” in “Umoja.”)

2. Go for the goal
The second day of Kwanzaa is all about Kujichagulia (koo-gee-cha-goo-LEE-ah), which means self-determination. How do you put that into action when planning a date? Simple: You and your date should tackle something you’ve been wanting to do for a long time, whether that’s snowboarding, sushi prep or going back to church. Not only will you reach one of your personal goals, you’ll forge a new sense of connection with your date because you’re both outside of your comfort zones.

3. Think about others…
The of Kwanzaa focuses on Ujima (ooh-GEE-mah), which means collective work and responsibility. Think about rebuilding your community and helping out others who are less fortunate. (Yes, there’s a place for this in your romantic life — not all dates have to be about new restaurants!) On this kind of goodwill date, you and your sweetie can volunteer together at your local soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Perhaps there’s a charity walk or run that you two can participate in, or maybe you two will want to pick up a “Dear Santa” letter from your local post office, if they collect them, and make a child’s holiday wish come true. This kind of date will make you more appreciative of everything you have, including each other. Plus, you’ll get to see a generous side of your honey, which is always attractive.

4. Keep it low-key and cozy
Kwanzaa isn’t about fancy gifts and lavish entertaining. Rather, self-reliance and personal values take the place of commercial brouhaha. The fourth value of the holiday, in fact, is Ujamaa (OOH-jah-mah) — which embraces the idea of cooperative economics. How exactly do you plan a date that puts that into practice? Resist the courtship temptation to spend excessive amounts of money hitting the coolest new clubs and put a $10 cap on your evening. Yes, $10. Rent a movie, prepare a pasta dinner at one of your homes, and let the conversation take the place of a cover charge. Or break out a game of Monopoly and a hot, hearty drink to share and see which one of you is a Trump-style real-estate mogul in the making. You’ll save money, but come out way ahead in terms of closeness.

5. Focus on the future
The fifth key value of Kwanzaa is Nia (NEE-ah), meaning purpose—setting personal goals that can benefit the community. Now, that’s a pretty heavy topic, but it can lend itself to some very thoughtful dates, because the idea is to reveal more about what makes you tick and your hopes for the future. Always good stuff for moving a to a deeper level. So consider these ideas: Have lunch with your date and someone you consider a mentor to you — whether it’s a former coworker who always has terrific professional advice or a married friend with an exemplary . By introducing your sweetie to the people in your life you admire, you’re sharing more of yourself and your values. Another key aspect of Nia is reflecting on how previous generations have left their mark… are you ready to share some family history? Take your date to your favorite sweet shop that you’d visit as a kid or the diner where you and your siblings would always go for pancakes on Saturday morning. Swapping stories about your youth is a terrific way to bond.

6. Get creative
Ready for some good times? The sixth principle of Kwanzaa is Kuumba (koo-OOM-bah), and it means creativity. Embrace today’s theme by letting your creative juices loose! Sure, you could visit a gallery or paint pottery together, but why not kick it up a notch? If you live somewhere snowy, challenge your date to a snow sculpture contest; cozy up inside and have a holiday wrapping party (stock up on some plain brown paper and metallic markers and create your own gift wrap). If you two have been together awhile, consider signing up for a drawing class together. Sure, you could paint flowers or seascapes, but it’s sexier to draw portraits of each other — and then swap them as gifts.

7. Don’t forget about faith
Imani (ee-MAH-nee) means faith, and it’s the heartbeat of the last day of Kwanzaa. Now, obviously you two can worship together if that suits you, or you can interpret faith differently if you so choose. Faith can mean believing that you and the person you care about can achieve whatever you set your minds to. So why not start in on that always popular resolution — to live healthier — and invite your honey on an active date. Bundle up together and hike around a lake (or on a beach, if you’re lucky enough to live near one). Spend an afternoon snowshoeing and looking for critter tracks. Take a Bikram yoga class together. Support one another in achieving a personal goal, and you’ll be empowering one another to reach bigger goals, too.

Quick & Simple editor Ayren Jackson-Cannady has also written for Time Out New York and Suede.

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The right time to have ‘the talk’

December 21, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Donot talk in bed It is not the right time sl The right time to have ‘the talk’

(PhatzNewsRoom / Match.com) — A university study has found that certain days of the week are better for heart-to-heart talks than others — and the results will really surprise you.

So maybe you want to chat with your beau about being exclusive… or perhaps you want to coax your to visit your family instead of hers for Thanksgiving. If you’ve ever wondered when the to broach a was, well, science now has the answer for you. According to a study at Arizona State University, some times are better than others to raise tricky conversational topics in a relationship.

In the research, the of couples were recorded over and analyzed to find which days of the week are best — and worst — to speak up. Surprisingly, the best days to raise a delicate subject with your mate are Monday and Tuesday, the worst Wednesday and Saturday. ? It’s understandable that Wednesday, which falls in the middle of the work week, is less than ideal. But Saturday seems like prime conversation time. What gives? “I think the Saturday scores are likely due to the fact that couples probably are trying to accomplish many of the that they have had to neglect during the week,” explains Alberts, the lead researcher of the study and professor of communication at ASU in Tempe. “In addition, couples may experience some of being disgruntled because the day isn’t as fun as they had hoped or it hasn’t met their expectations in other ways.”

Maybe that’s why Monday came out on top — after all, few couples expect to have soul-searching chats that day, so perhaps the is on your side. Plus, points out Alberts, “Mondays find couples reasonably rested and the weekend are done.” That can be more conducive to a good heart-to-heart.

But if Monday is the right day for dialogue, should one shoot for a morning, afternoon, or evening to talk? According to Alberts, that all depends on when you turn on the tube. “Therapists often counsel couples to ‘turn off the TV and just talk,’” says Alberts. “What we found is that couples do a surprising amount of talking, even talk about their relationship, while they are watching TV.” So go ahead and hit your honey with some “So how do you feel about, you know, us not seeing other people?” while you two are channel surfing — you may make more progress than you’d expect.

Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor: The Best and Worst Personal Ads of All Time. Based on researching this story, she is going to wait until Monday to ask her boyfriend to vacation with her family.

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Your holiday love wish list

December 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment

8249963922 0312abdddb Your holiday love wish list

(PhatzNewsRoom / .com) — “Dear Santa, this year, I want a , a new bike, and I want to go to the moon — please make it happen, thank you.”

Oh, those wish lists from holidays past!

Your six-year-old self took such solemn pride in writing them down, sealing them in an envelope, and sending them off in the mail (to the — or maybe just your ).

Your weren’t all granted — hey, nice try on the moon trip, sport! — but somehow, just jotting down the list made it seem like your dreams would all come true.

When it comes to during the holidays — and year-round, for that matter — we could all learn a lesson from our inner child.

When’s the last time you made a wish list of what you’re looking for in another person? In all the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, it’s easy to lose focus. But the cool thing about identifying your wishes and needs is that the minute you do, you’ll start to instinctively move toward that goal. So put down that to-do list you’ve compiled for your brother’s and get started on your “ List.” Here’s how:

1. Loosen up. It might take you a while to warm up to the idea of putting down your romantic needs in a list (it seemed weird to us at first, too!) When you’re getting started, just remember that this list is for you — only you. Don’t about your spelling or writing skills (your third grade teacher won’t be grading you). Write short or long — whatever feels most natural.

Example: Likes to hike, enjoys outdoor music festivals.

2. Brainstorm. When you think of what you want from a partner, what is literally the first thing that comes to mind? Jot that down. And don’t worry if you thought, “My sweetie has to be smokin’ hot!” — good looks are important to a lot of people, and it doesn’t mean you’re being superficial. Then take it one step further: What else do you want from a partner? Should your date be physically active? Smart and sensitive? Ambitious? Write that down.

Example: I want someone who loves his or her profession.

3. Stay positive. When you’re creating your list, focus on what you do want, not on what you don’t want. It’s easy to start out with the things you hate — “NOT some cheeseball with a fake tan, that’s for sure!” — but a lot harder to express what you are looking for in a mate. That said, framing your priorities positively rather than negatively will automatically put you in an inspired, ready-to-go state of mind.

Example: I want someone who is ready to be in a committed relationship.

4. Be realistic. Don’t think you deserve the best from a relationship? Think again. Everyone deserves the best from love; just make sure you know what you really want. Is it crucial that your fantasy partner drive the latest model BMW — and will that guarantee you romantic happiness? No, and probably not. But consider what you’re really trying to say. Do you want someone who is financially stable? Now, that’s something that is important — and can play a large role in determining future happiness.

Example: I want someone who is responsible and owns his or her own home (or will within the not-too-distant future).

5. Focus on you. The point of this list isn’t just to create a kind of dream mate; in listing the things you hope to find in another person, take time to remember someone else — you! Take a look at your past relationships and think about what worked. Did your ex make you feel like the funniest person alive? Did another former flame teach you how to cook? These are great things to write down when you’re making your “Love List” to ponder. At the end of the day, a relationship isn’t just about the person you meet — it’s about the person you become when you’re together.

Example: I want someone who’s as passionate about me as I am about him or her; someone who makes me smile when we spend time together.

Will you get every item on your wish list? Maybe, maybe not. But it’s important to take time to think carefully about your romantic priorities. When you consider what you really want and ask for it, you’ve taken the first (and most important) step!

Mackenzie Dawson is the deputy features editor at the New York Post. She lives in New York.

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Teach your girl touch football

September 7, 2012 By Leave a Comment

c4c73dbb9537247acafd79269a7e3390 Teach your girl touch football

(Phatforums News / Match.com) — Remember that once-ubiquitous movie genre in which a spunky, resourceful, tomboyish-yet-tender teen takes it upon herself to shatter gender boundaries by a) becoming the first female goalie on her high school’s ice hockey team, b) convincing a cranky (but softhearted) coach to train her for the national kickboxing championships, or c) funding her own expedition to Mount Everest (complete with ) by staging a neighborhood bake sale? Well, you’ll need to summon up some of that can-do spirit yourself, ! I’m about to teach you how to usher your into the feisty, frothy and politically correct world of mixed-gender touch .

“Why in the world would a self-respecting girl want to play touch football?” you may ask, emulating the incredulous male characters who co-starred in the cinematic masterpieces referenced above. Well, there could be many reasons; perhaps she’s bored, or sick of the gym. Maybe she wants to spend more time with you and learn something in the process. It could be that she’s simply a better athlete than you are and tired of watching you throw wounded when she possesses the ability to throw a tight spiral that would put to shame. Whatever the motivation, here’s a handy step-by-step guide to teaching your sweetie the ins and outs of this fun, autumn-appropriate outdoor sport.

Step 1: Gauge her knowledge level. “See, honey? This is a football. It’s kind of different from ordinary balls, because it’s pointy on both ends.” Unless your girlfriend is an alien from the Andromeda galaxy, she’s seen a football before. What you need to do is figure out whether she’s familiar with downs, and blitzes, and, of course, explain that it’s called “touch” football because actual, physical tackling is mildly discouraged. Most guys make the mistake of letting their girlfriends learn the rules by — a surefire route to misunderstandings, embarrassments and even injury.

Step 2: Encourage her to dress appropriately. Charlie, 30, from New Jersey, recounts his experience at a pick-up touch football game: “One of my girlfriend’s roommates showed up, dolled up in a manner totally inconsistent with playing football. The boyfriend objected; there was a bit of a stand-off, but then she reluctantly agreed to go inside and change. At that point, I made an offhand remark along the lines of, ‘Now she’s going to have to redo her whole outfit.’ The second it was out of my mouth, her boyfriend looked at me in horror, as if to say, ‘You have no idea what a hassle you just created for me.’ Neither of them ever made it back outside for the game.” Seriously, don’t be this guy and don’t let your lady be this girlfriend. The point is to play together, not fight about it.

Step 3: Don’t showboat. Most guys (of any age) who play touch football were only so-so athletes in high school, meaning they never had the experience of being the star quarterback cheered on loudly from the sidelines by his alpha girlfriend — so imagine how they’re likely to react when their significant others are not only patting them on the back, but playing with them on the same team. You’re playing a game together, so act like it. Leave the spectacular mid-air twisting catch attempts to Terrell Owens; you’re only going to hurt yourself.

Step 4: If she plays against you, don’t intentionally lose. I won’t go into what it says about your when your girlfriend insists on playing for the other team rather than your own (and frankly, I would have to know you both to speculate). But I do know that it will diminish you in the eyes of your fellow teammates if you “slip” while attempting to tackle your sweetie and let her score a touchdown or “accidentally” throw her an interception and watch proudly as she runs it back into the end zone. (Of course, you also shouldn’t overcompensate with rough, borderline-illegal tackles, but you already knew that, right?)

Step 5: Discourage the use of histrionics. Is crying even allowed in touch football? I posed this question to Stephanie Trebets, Marketing Administrator of the United States Flag & Touch Football League, who joked: “With all of the broken bones and beatdowns players experience in this game, of course crying is allowed… and it’s encouraged!” Seriously, though, no one enjoys a touch football game that becomes overly competitive and emotional, and if your girlfriend reacts badly, that may be a sign that you and your beer buddies have taken things a yard or two too far. If so, it’s time to call it a game, grab yourself some Gatorade and fire up the grill instead.

Bob Strauss is a freelance writer and children’s book author who lives in New York City. He’s also written the Dinosaur guide on About.com, the online information network owned by the New York Times.

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Tips for thwarting jealousy

August 15, 2012 By Leave a Comment

b462bc6d3b319c9269a336de0e5685a8 Tips for thwarting jealousy

(Phatforums News / .com) — There are people out there who never feel a moment’s in their relationships. I know they’re out there, the same way I know there are baby squirrels and hybrid-electric , but I’ve never actually seen one. Most people, I think, are like me: secure and self-confident up to a point, and then, inside, a blubbering mess of worry when confronted with the idea that their has exes and perhaps even in the past promised to love, honor and cherish another. In the immortal words of : BLARG!

It’s all very well to dismiss jealousy as a silly , but there’s no denying its gut-clenching power. And it’s different for everyone who has it. One woman might be fine with her husband’s cute secretary, but nail-bitingly nervous when he attends a full of . Another guy might constantly battle the urge to ask how long his honey’s list of exes actually stretches. But unless you have legitimate suspicions that your sweetie is the cheating kind — and if so, why are you with this person? — jealousy is more likely to derail a than protect it.

“The most interesting thing about jealousy is that it’s often insidious and unexpected,” says Robert Bringle, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Purdue University who studies jealousy in . “An otherwise perfectly confident person can be blindsided by sudden jealousy.” The good news, he says, is that even if we can’t make sure it never shows up, “we do know what feeds it — which means we can starve it.”

To send your green-eyed monster into ketosis, try these jealousy-busting moves.

Banish your baggage
“The first thing you have to ask yourself is, ‘Is my jealousy a pattern?’” says Ronald Mah, a therapist in Berkeley, CA. “If you have a pattern where you’re jealous in every relationship, then the baggage is most likely yours to deal with.” It’s not up to your partner to “make” you feel secure, says Mah. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask him or her to be a little extra sensitive, but if your mate chafes under your watchful eye, you have to pull back and work on your own issues (banishing the hurt of an ex who strayed or a parent who vanished, probably through therapy) before you scare him or her off for good.

See the truth in every situation
People have a tendency to generalize, says Dr. Bringle. That is, if you’re already feeling suspicious, then every little thing will seem to fit into that situation — it is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Let’s say your date answers a phone call and hastily replies, “Let me call you back later,” making you assume it must be another romantic partner he or she is two-timing you with. Beat this one back by asking yourself why you are jumping to this conclusion. Don’t just make assumptions about your partner’s decency. If you detect a pattern of duplicity, by all means ask questions, but don’t let your insecurities run wild in a vacuum.

Say it out loud
It seems as if, when love blossoms, you should both magically understand each other’s jealousy tipping points. The truth is, you’ve got to have a conversation (or even a few!) to solidify what you both expect from each other. “A lot of times, you can get out-of-control jealous because you’ve got this complicated system of rules and regulations that the other person has no clue about,” says Mah. Nip the nervousness of not knowing your boundaries by having The Talk. “I kept it light, but explained to my guy that when he went out with his buddies and said, ‘I’ll give you a call later,’ but didn’t, I had all kinds of crazy scenarios in my head,” says Julie from St. Louis. “So I told him that was how my mind worked and he didn’t have to call — or say he was going to call. It was fine with me for him to have his guys’ night out, period.” This tactic of using “I” language to explain how you feel is an excellent one, versus blaming the other person with accusations like, “You said you’d call and then you didn’t!”

Get advice from the right sources
If your parents didn’t exactly create a model of well-adjusted coupledom, you might find yourself struggling to understand what one looks like. “People make this mistake a lot,” says Mah. “They ask people who are just as anxious and insecure as they are for advice and end up reinforcing bad habits.” Seek advice from people who have managed to be in the kind of relationship you’d want, and spend time with them, watching and learning from their behavior like an anthropologist in training.

Boost your self-esteem
“Jealousy is really insecurity,” says Mah. “If your partner is trustworthy, you’ve got to minimize the jealousy by doing things that make you feel great — working out, nurturing your other relationships, or whatever it is that makes you feel fantastic about yourself and your life.”

Know how to get through the tough times
When an envy-inducing situation looms, prep for it. “We all know what we do when we’re stressed,” says Mah. “But that doesn’t mean it’s OK to act out when a stressful situation hits. If you know you get jealous when your boyfriend has to see his ex-wife to pick up the kids, prepare yourself ahead of time.” Whether that means reciting self-affirmations or making sure to share some extra smooches ahead of time, find healthy ways to manage that stress.

But no matter what, Dr. Bringle says, don’t stomp out jealousy completely. “Jealousy is a warning sign,” he says. “Like pain, it tells us when something could be wrong. And it can be healthy for a relationship to say, ‘I feel jealous when you see your old girlfriend,’ and have a conversation about each of your boundaries in the relationship.” That is, use the uncomfortable feeling as a jumping-off point for a discussion, but not an excuse to deliver an ultimatum.

Amy Keyishian has written for Cosmopolitan and other national magazines.

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Tips on talking about 5 tough dating topics

July 25, 2012 By Leave a Comment

f1bbedced2abcf70847247cba2d7d394 Tips on talking about 5 tough dating topics

(Phatforums News / Match.com) —- Thought asking your date out in the first place was hard? Well, the road that leads to a solid relationship is dotted with plenty of hard-to-start along the way. Tackled well, they’ll bring you closer as a couple. If not, they’ll make for an awfully awkward dinner. To make sure you end up in the former vs. the latter situation, we’ve asked our , J.D., author of Instant : How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life and founder of www.lauriepuhn.com, for some talking tips on the five toughest dating topics. Heed her advice and you’ll never be at a loss for words when you need them most.

Tough Topic #1: How to tell your date you want to be exclusive

Never, ever, assume
No matter how many nights a week you cuddle up for some quality time together, don’t assume you’re exclusive until you talk about it. Ideally, “wait until you’re seeing each other at least two to three times a week,” says Puhn, or when intimacy is on the verge of entering the picture — both are logical points to pop the exclusivity question.

Frame it as a request
People rarely respond well to demands or ultimatums, so the last thing you want to do is play with lines like, “I can’t see you anymore unless we’re exclusive.” The key, says Puhn, is to present your desire in an amiable way that shows you’re open to a discussion about it. Like: “I have such a with you, and I want to see where this relationship will go. I think we should stop ; what do you think?”

Be prepared for either answer
If your date isn’t ready to commit, you should tell him or her that you respect that — after all, the whole idea may have caught your sweetie off guard, and you don’t want to punish the person for not immediately going for it. But this doesn’t mean your non-exclusive status should continue indefinitely. Revisit the topic in a few months and if your honey still balks, go ahead and cut ties. Calmly say, “My are strong enough that I can’t continue seeing you if this isn’t exclusive.” It’s no one’s fault, so don’t treat it as such. Then you leave the door open for your sweetie to maybe start missing you and have a change of heart.

Tough Topic #2: How to tell your date you want to see other people

Keep it positive
So your date wants you (and only you…) but you don’t feel the same way. Is there a nice way to say it? Sure, provided there’s a chance you may want to commit further down the road. “What your date is really asking is, ‘Are you into this?’” explains Puhn. So if you are, say so before mentioning your reservations, as in: “I’m really into this, I just need more time, can you give me that?” or “I really want to get to know you better, but it’s just too soon to commit. Can we revisit this in a few months?”

Be honest…
Now, what if your goal is to remain non-exclusive… for good? “If your answer isn’t ‘No, just for now’ but ‘No, forever,’ putting off telling the truth means the issue will only reemerge one month later, and one month after that,” warns Puhn. So bite the bullet and say, “I like you, but I’m not at a point in my life where I want a long-term relationship in the foreseeable future.” That may hurt, but your honesty here will spare you both a lot of pain later on.

…But not too honest
Don’t fall into the trap of answering the question, “Why, who else are you seeing?” Instead say, “I really care about you, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about that.” Honesty does not mean full disclosure — and by keeping mum, you’re making it clear that you’re not dishing info about them to any other people you may be seeing.

Tough Topic #3: How to dig into your sweetie’s dating past

Don’t press for details on exes
Were his last three girlfriends blondes? Was her former live-in boyfriend a moocher or Mr. Moneybags? Comments like “My friend got married last year — poor guy” will tell you everything you need to know about whether someone wants to get hitched or not.

While these are legitimate curiosities, making your date dish about personal specifics isn’t helpful and, if anything, will just encourage your own insecurities to surface. Do yourself a favor and don’t turn it into a competition; your partner is dating you now, and that’s what really matters.

Instead, ask what he or she has learned from past
Your goal should be to learn who your date is, what’s influenced him or her, and how this person has grown emotionally over the years. To glean this wisdom, ask the larger — much larger — questions, like “What did you learn from your last relationship?” or “How did you feel when someone broke up with you for the first time?” “It’s not about one ex in particular,” says Puhn. “It’s about opening the door for the person to say, ‘Oh man, I thought it was the end of the world…’”

Tough Topic #4: How to suss out if your honey wants to get married or have kids

Steer clear of direct questions
If you’re dying to get hitched or have kids, it’s understandable to want to see if this person has the same goal. But let’s face it: Asking “Do you want to get married someday?” sounds like you’re fishing for whether or not he or she wants to marry you, which could make anyone feel claustrophobic. Instead, try “How do you envision your future — say, 10 years from now?” If your honey says, “I could see slowing down my career for a few years to raise my kids,” he or she has just volunteered the very details that you’d be hard-pressed to squeeze out otherwise.

Ask about other people’s relationships
This principle is similar to the “I have a friend who’s got this problem…” conversational tactic (that is, when it’s really you who has the problem): the more objective your questions, the more likely your date will answer honestly. Ask about your sweetie’s family dynamic and about friends’ marriages. Comments like, “My friend got married last year — poor guy,” or “I my nieces and can’t wait to have my own” say everything you need to know without setting off any serious alarm bells.

Tough Topic #5: How to tell your date you’re in love

Stick to the 24-hour rule
When the feeling hits, it’s hard to hold back. But consider sleeping on it for at least a day before saying those three little words, advises Puhn. Why? Because you want to be sure you mean it, and various factors (a toe-curling kiss or exceptionally romantic evening out, for example) can cloud your judgment. The last thing you want to do is have to start backpedaling.

Don’t expect to hear an immediate “I love you” back
When you’re ready to speak up, present it as a feeling you can’t deny, but not one you expect your date to reciprocate. “Say, ‘Look, you don’t have to say anything, but I want you to know, I think I’m falling in love with you’ or ‘I’m not sure what I’m feeling, but I think I might be falling in love with you,’” suggests Puhn. If the response is, “Thanks,” or “I feel differently,” say, “That’s OK; I wasn’t expecting to hear it back. I just wanted you to know where I stand and how I feel.” This openness frees the other person to talk to you about it if and when he or she is ready.

Amy Spencer writes for Glamour, Real Simple, and New York magazine, among other publications, and is the author of Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match.

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