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More Young People Delay Sex, Try Oral Sex First, CDC Says

March 5, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

dab916c5293fd5e6e9a9c4d36c726e02 More Young People Delay Sex, Try Oral Sex First, CDC Says

U.S. report also finds same-sex encounters more common for women than men

THURSDAY, March 3 (HealthDay News) — More young people are waiting to have sex, and more women than men are engaging in same-sex encounters, according to a new report detailing Americans’ evolving sexual behaviors and preferences.

In statistics compiled from interviews with 13,500 men and women aged 15 to 44, the 2006-2008 National Survey of Family Growth also indicates that more than half of young people under age 24 who have had oral sex did so before having vaginal intercourse.

Other revelations from the survey, released March 3 by the National Center for Health Statistics of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, include three times as many women over 18 reporting being bisexual as men.

The CDC estimates that 19 million sexually transmitted infections occur each year, along with 50,000 new diagnoses of HIV infection. One function of the report is to provide public health researchers with information to develop prevention strategies targeting high-risk groups, lead author Anjani Chandra said.

“Traditionally, people tend to focus on vaginal intercourse, but they sort of forget about other types of sexual behavior,” said Chandra, a health scientist at the National Center for Health Statistics, which last released a similar report using data from 2002.

Some of the findings include:

* More young people reported never having any sexual contact with another person. In 2002, about 22 percent of youths aged 15 to 24 said they fit this description, while 27 percent of males and 29 percent of females did so in 2006-2008.
* White youths aged 15 to 24 were more likely (57 percent) than blacks or Hispanics of the same age (39 percent) to report engaging in oral sex before ever having intercourse.
* Twice as many women (12.5 percent) reported any same-sex contact as men (5.2 percent), a number that held steady since 2002.
* About 3.5 percent of women reported they were bisexual, compared to 1.1 percent of men. About 1.1 percent of women and 1.7 percent of men said they were homosexual.
* About 35 percent of females and 44 percent of males reported ever having anal sex with an opposite-sex partner.

Bill Albert, chief program officer for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, said he is encouraged by the disclosure that more young people have had no sexual contact.

“The adult view is, when it comes to teens and sex . . . that things are bad and getting worse,” Albert said. “I don’t want to be Pollyanna-ish and say that there’s nothing but good news here, but by and large the news is good.”

But Albert said he believes that the statistics indicating most youths are engaging in oral sex before intercourse may be nebulous.

“What is ‘before’ — an hour, or two days? My strong suspicion here is that sexual activity tends to co-occur . . . they’re probably going to have vaginal sex shortly thereafter,” he said. “For some young people, they’re running the bases backwards. They used to go from more casual to more intimate, but that’s not necessarily the case these days.”

Sexuality expert Dr. Jennifer Berman said it’s not surprising that young people engage in oral sex first because it’s now considered a way to gain status and prestige among their peers.

Also, “It often has to do with sexual education or the lack thereof,” said Berman, director of the Berman Women’s Wellness Center in Beverly Hills, Calif. “Young people don’t perceive oral sex as sex and think they’re still virgins if there’s no penetration.”

Chandra and Berman had very different takes on why twice as many women reported same-sex contact as men.

“Whether [the gender discrepancy] is real or they simply have a higher comfort level reporting that, I can’t say,” Chandra said. “Their comfort . . . may bolster their honesty and disclosure level.”

Berman said she feels the disclosure is genuine, but fueled by societal forces.

“In the [sexuality] field and in L.A., we think that same-sex experiences with women are a lot of times related to drugs and alcohol,” she said, “or designed and choreographed for men’s pleasure.”

Berman was critical of the scope and structure of the national report, saying it “left out very productive, active generations” by excluding participants 45 and older and omitting details about sexual habits such as the use of contraceptives, lubricants or sex toys.

“It’s an interesting sample,” she said. But, “it certainly doesn’t enable people in the field to form valid conclusions . . . or form systems or supports.”

More information

For more on sexual attraction and orientation, visit the Nemours Foundation.

SOURCES: Anjani Chandra, Ph.D., health scientist, U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics; Bill Albert, chief program officer, National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy; Jennifer Berman, M.D., director, Berman Women’s Wellness Center, Beverly Hills, Calif.; March 3, 2011, National Center for Health Statistics, report, Sexual Behavior, Sexual Attraction, and Sexual Identity in the United States: Data from the 2006-2008 National Survey of Family Growth

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Sperm-Jackers: The 5 Types

February 25, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

58c48069d92b7f90fd1b7434d8cb9673 Sperm Jackers: The 5 Types

Beware the sperm-jacker: She’s out there after your man juice. She’s all about getting pregnant and not about being into you. You’ll need to know what the chances are that they’re going to wreck your life by demanding your daddy dedication. Avoid this testicular thief as much as possible; but, in the case that your sperm finds that egg, man up and let the mother know that you’ll do what needs to be done as far as taking care of your offspring drama-free. Be prepared to draw the line regarding your involvement and your connection to her crazy ass.

1- The Lesbian
She doesn’t like men. No, sir. She’s into women. However, somewhere along the way, the Lesbian realized that while she won’t want you, she’ll need you — or at least your sperm. She may come out directly and ask for your contribution via fertilization or the old-fashioned way.

What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? Low, if any at all. The Lesbian will be more likely to agree to some visitation, however, most likely, she won’t want you in the picture at all — not to raise the kid and definitely not for her and her girlfriend (put your fantasies away).

2- The Girl Running Out of Time
She’s a dangerous one because the Girl Running Out Of Time is looking for the “just-add-water” family. Bed you, sperm-jack you and then start picking out the house, the fence and baby names. The relationship train has passed her lots of times and she is looking to derail the next locomotive coming by.

What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? High, because this girl wants the full family experience. Tonight it’ll be a hot date with no need for condoms. Tomorrow it’ll be her big stomach and her low sex drive.

3- The Trapster
The next type of sperm-jacker is the Trapster. She is out to get you and her web is a nine-pound, seven-ounce ambush. You probably know this girl from back in the day and moved on for whatever reason, but she’s still stuck on you. The Trapster still wants you and she’ll flirt and seduce just to get your sperm. Sperm-jacked = baby, and baby = you trapped forever.

What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? Ultra dangerously high. This girl will want you around — but not just as a father figure (which would be the right thing to do) but as her husband forever (which you should avoid at all cost).

Two more types of sperm-jackers next (yikes)..

4- Miss Lonely
With no relationships to speak of, Miss Lonely is looking for someone to cling to. She’s easy to notice as she’s awkward and a general social leper. However, she’s female and it won’t take much if she throws her vagina on you. One night, she may be the Damn-It-Girl (after all the other women go home, you look at her and say: “Damn it, girl, let’s go!”).

What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? Unpredictable, as she’s a nut job and socially inept. She may want you around forever or may not be able to handle a relationship. Be ready to focus solely on the baby.

5- Miss Independent
The last in our list of different types of sperm-jackers is Miss Independent. There’s always the one woman who hates men. She’s not a lesbian, she’s just angry. Her life is full of what a man can’t do for her. However, at the end of her day, she’s wanting that little one to fulfill a need deep down inside. That’s where you come in with your sperm.

What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? None, as she will constantly remind you that she doesn’t want or need a man. Be a man and do your best to be a dad even though Miss Independent thinks she can be one too.

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Suit to Repeal Louisiana’s ‘Sex Offender List for BJs’ Law

February 25, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

093a87c9190d4c82cd3d83266fb08366 Suit to Repeal Louisiana’s ‘Sex Offender List for BJs’ Law

ORLEANS PARISH, La.—Like most other states, Louisiana has laws prohibiting soliciting sex acts for money, aka “prostitution.” But unlike other states, if you solicit the wrong kind of sex there, you can wind up on the federal Sex Offender Registry for 15 years or longer—and a diverse group of nine plaintiffs is seeking to repeal that absurdity.

What draws the nine—which include a grandmother, three transgendered women, a guy, and a mother of four, all oddly enough named “Doe”—together is the fact that each was convicted more than once of soliciting either a blowjob or anal sex, and as a consequence was sentenced to spend at least 15 years on the sex offender list, even though, thanks to Lawrence v. Texas, oral and anal “sodomy” are no longer crimes.

But according to the complaint, Louisiana is just a haven for wacky sex laws. Since 1805, even before what was then known as the “Territory of Orleans” was admitted into the Union, it had a “Crime Against Nature” law which criminalized “unnatural carnal copulation.” The law was amended in 1982 to prohibit “solicitation by a human being of another with the intent to engage in any unnatural carnal copulation for compensation”—the first law of its type in the nation.

Trouble is, as noted above, Louisiana already criminalizes prostitution, defined as the solicitation and commission of “indiscriminate sexual intercourse” for compensation, which would seem to include the acts made illegal under the “Solicitation of a Crime Against Nature” (SCAN) law. The difference is, no matter how many times one may be convicted for prostitution, the perp isn’t required to register as a sex offender—but it only takes two convictions under the SCAN law to trigger such a requirement.

And it’s one hell of a trigger. Of all the convicted sex offenders in Orleans Parish who are currently on the registry, 292—40 percent—are there because of SCAN, as compared to 85 for forcible rape, 75 for “felony carnal knowledge” (essentially, consensual statutory rape) and 78 for “indecent behavior with a juvenile.”

“Crime Against Nature by Solicitation is the only offense requiring registration as a sex offender that does not involve use of force, coercion, use of a weapon, lack of consent, or a minor victim,” the complaint charges. “In fact, the offense of Crime Against Nature by Solicitation requires no act whatsoever—only a verbal offer or agreement to engage in oral or anal sex in exchange for compensation. The only possible explanation for the inclusion of the Crime Against Nature by Solicitation statute in the registry law is that it targets non-procreative sex acts traditionally associated with homosexuality.”

“SCAN is the only registrable crime that does not involve force or the victimization of children,” noted blogger Lori of Feministing.com. “To add insult to injury, and perhaps not surprisingly, the law contributes to further discrimination by being applied inconsistently, in effect singling out poor Black women involved in street-based economies, transgender women and gay men of color. According to the WWAV [Women With a Vision] press release, 80 percent of those registered solely because of a SCAN conviction are African American.”

As AVN readers know, being on the Sex Offender Registry is no picnic.

“They all must carry a state driver’s license or non-driver’s identification document emblazoned with the words SEX OFFENDER in bright orange capital letters,” detailed the WWAV press release. “They must disclose the fact that they are registered as a sex offender to neighbors, landlords, employers, schools, parks, community centers, and churches. Their names, addresses, and photographs appear on the internet. They are required to mail postcards notifying every person in their neighborhood.”

Moreover, the law seems to be applied haphazardly.

“Police and prosecutors have complete discretion and are given no guidance whatsoever as to when and who to charge with a Crime Against Nature, and when and who to charge with prostitution,” said Andrea Ritchie, co-counsel for the plaintiffs and co-author of Queer Injustice: The Criminalization of LGBT People in the United States. “This leaves the door wide open to discriminatory enforcement targeting poor Black women, transgender women, and gay men for a charge that carries much harsher penalties.”

The defendants here include Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal—once considered a likely Republican presidential candidate in the 2012 elections—as well as the state’s attorney general, the head of the state’s Department of Public Safety and Corrections, the superintendent and deputy superintendent of the state police, the Commissioner of the Office of Motor Vehicles and several others. They are accused of various constitutional torts, including violation of the plaintiffs’ Fifth and Fourteenth Amendment rights of due process and equal protection of the laws, and the Eighth Amendment’s bar against cruel and unusual punishment.

Since the complaint was filed just one week ago, none of the defendants has yet responded. Keep checking back with AVN for continuing coverage of this important lawsuit.

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UK court agrees Assange extradition to Sweden

February 24, 2011 By Admin 1 Comment

27806914e14e1041eba97ae009e1da33 UK court agrees Assange extradition to Sweden

(Reuters) – A British court agreed on Thursday to extradite WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange to Sweden where he is wanted for questioning over sex crimes, dismissing claims the move would breach his human rights.

Swedish prosecutors want to question Assange about allegations of sexual misconduct, which he denies, made by two WikiLeaks volunteers during his time in Sweden last August.

“I have specifically considered whether the physical or mental condition of the defendant is such that it would be unjust or oppressive to extradite him,” Judge Howard Riddle told London’s top-security Belmarsh Magistrates’ Court.

“I am satisfied that extradition is compatible with the defendant’s (European) Convention rights, I must order Mr Assange be extradited to Sweden.”

Lawyers for Assange, who has angered the U.S. government by releasing thousands of secret U.S. diplomatic cables on his website, said they would appeal against the decision at London’s High Court, putting the extradition on hold.

Mark Stephens, a lawyer for Assange, said the case showed that extraditions under the fast-track European arrest warrant were a form of “tick-box justice”.

“We are still hopeful that the matter will be resolved in this country. We still remain very optimistic about our opportunities on appeal,” he told reporters outside court.

One of the alleged victims accuses Assange of sexually molesting her by ignoring her request for him to use a condom during sex. The second woman has said Assange had sex with her while she was asleep and that he was not wearing a condom.

Prosecutors say the second allegation falls into the least severe of three categories of rape in Sweden, carrying a maximum of four years in jail.

Assange is a controversial and flamboyant character who inspires strong loyalties among his supporters, but his former right-hand man described him in a recent book as an irresponsible, autocratic bully.

Scores of reporters from around the world have covered the court case and celebrities including British film director Ken Loach and Australian journalist John Pilger offered sureties in December to persuade the British court he would not abscond.

FAIR TRIAL

During three days of legal argument earlier this month, lawyers for Assange argued he would not get a fair trial in Sweden and said Swedish prosecutors had mishandled the case against the 39-year-old Australian computer expert.

They argued that he might wind up being sent to the United States where he could face execution for leaking secrets.

Assange’s lawyers also accused Sweden’s Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt of creating a “toxic atmosphere” in Sweden and damaging his chances of a fair trial by portraying him as “public enemy number one”.

However, Judge Riddle dismissed each of the defense’s arguments in turn, even describing Assange’s Swedish defense lawyer as an “unreliable witness”.

The judge said Swedish prosecutors had tried to interview Assange before he left the country but had been unable to do so.

He said the European arrest warrant, under which the fast-track extradition request as made, was valid and the alleged crimes were serious. Publicity surrounding the case was also not a reason to refuse extradition.

“I think it is highly unlikely that any comment has been made with a view to interfere with the course of public justice,” Riddle said.

The Swedish prosecution authority had no immediate comment.

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How Important Is Sex in a Marriage?

February 24, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

e523ae6d4179bfa85cfac7ab7d88921e How Important Is Sex in a Marriage?

So many married couples seem to struggle to keep passion alive in their relationship. And it’s no wonder: There’s no shortage of factors that wreak havoc on sex lives ?- from busy schedules to kids to changing, aging bodies. Without physical intimacy, what’s left to hold a marriage together? Plenty, one would think: shared history, family, friendship. So just how important is sex and passion to a marriage?

“Work + Kissing = a Happy Marriage”

Dan Cronin

It’s hard for me to comment on the notion of aging bodies affecting passion, because I met my wife 11 years ago and age has only made her more beautiful. I, on the other hand, am a different story. I’m looking more and more like Elliot Gould each day. (No offense, Elliot Gould. You’re just much older than I am.) So you’d have to ask her. But as for the mundane rhythms of life ?- from the hectic schedules to the screaming babies ?- it all adds up to a situation that seems a bit more like two shift workers trying to keep a business afloat than it does a healthy marriage. Sex is hugely important. Especially when it’s part of the deal that you’re not allowed to go anywhere else to get it. I used to hate it when I heard people say things like “Marriage is work,” but when routine sets in I realize that marriage is work. And it’s worth it. But my one little secret? Kissing. Married couples don’t kiss like they did when they were dating, and they should really, really try. What better way to save a marriage than a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

“Do Whatever It Takes”

Cathi Hanauer & Daniel Jones

Cathi: Virtually every marriage, no matter how steamy at the beginning, goes through sexual dry spells. As long as you have other ways of connecting and having fun together during those dry spells, that’s okay. The problem comes when sex and passion drop out of a marriage purely because caring for each other is so low on your list of priorities that you start to treat one another like roommates. Often, making time to have sex can end up being less about the physical act than about taking a moment to reconnect, share a laugh or a moment of affection and remember why you’ve committed to this person in the first place.

Dan: See, I wonder if this is one of those questions that’s different for men and women. Married or not, most men seem to need sex regularly. For women, I believe passion is an essential: a sense of desiring and being desired. But sex with their husbands? I’ll bet many could take it or leave it. (By the way, I’m talking about everyone else’s sex life here, not my own, which is, of course, perfect.)

What is important for all of us married people is that we air our expectations and needs and work at ways to meet them. Some people schedule dates with their spouse, go to hotels, watch porn, take ballroom dancing lessons, send dirty text messages to each other ?- whatever it takes, as long as you’re honest and not overly greedy. Don’t be embarrassed about what you need. And don’t keep your needs and desires in marriage all to yourself as your resentment festers and divorce looms. In marriage, a little effort to please the other person can go a long way.
“Sex Fizzles Long before Love”

Dr. Sarah Stedman

An ideal marriage would be one that includes a balance between mind, spirit and body. So the question becomes: Which of these components truly anchors a marriage through “better or worse”? It is my belief that sex and passion can be part of any relationship ?- and are therefore pretty easy to attain. Everything else requires a certain depth of intimacy and commitment to the partnership. When the physical component is missing or troubled for whatever reason, it is even more important for the other sustaining elements to be present.

As we grow older, our bodies change ?- but so do our notions about romantic and sexual love. So in their young married years, couples need to recognize the importance of becoming one another’s dearest friend, of building interests together and stimulating each other intellectually, because a couple’s sex life is likely to fizzle out long before their love for one another. And if that is done successfully, people will realize that life holds few joys more satisfying than the process of growing old with your life partner.
“It’s All about Intimacy”

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW

Sex is very important to a marriage. Just ask the one out of every three spouses who’s in a marriage where there’s a sexual desire gap. That is, one spouse is desperately unhappy because this person isn’t having sex nearly as often as he or she would like, and the other wonders, “What’s the big deal? It’s just sex.” But for the spouse yearning for more touch, it is a big deal. Sex isn’t just a physical release, it’s about feeling wanted, connected and loved.

When this sort of misunderstanding occurs, intimacy on all levels fades. Couples stop spending time together, snuggling on the couch, engaging in meaningful conversation, laughing at each other’s jokes. Friendship is replaced by resentment, hostility and a painful distancing. This puts marriages at risk of infidelity and/or divorce. But the good news is that regardless of the reasons for a sexual meltdown ?- whether it’s due to biological, personal or relationship issues ?- excellent help is available. Anyone wanting a more robust and passionate love life can have it
“Sex Keeps Love Alive”

Dr. Ruth

I think sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. If one or both partners is sexually frustrated, that’s likely to wreak havoc on the relationship, often in ways that the couple doesn’t even realize. They may be snapping at each other over other matters when the real conflict stems from problems in the sexual arena. The more discord there is in a relationship, the less likely it is that the couple is going to want to have sex. This in turn establishes a vicious cycle that causes not only the couple’s sex life, but also the relationship, to spiral downward.

Another pitfall of an asexual relationship is that all physical contact can eventually cease. Hugs and kisses aren’t a substitute for sex, but such physical contact is also a necessary component of a healthy relationship. If two people are acting like roommates, then after a while their reasons for staying together become increasingly questionable. For these reasons, it’s vital for couples of any age to be proactive and to keep the fires of passion burning. If their sexual fires become completely extinguished, slowly but surely their relationship will die out too.

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Looking for that Right Date???

February 24, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

86eeaaedd95de69295ca8c96025a1bbc Looking for that Right Date???

Are you ready to start seriously looking for a long-term relationship, but don’t know where to start? Have you exhausted all possible leads from your friends and family? Do you ever feel like you’re never going to meet someone that you can like, love, and trust?

Nobody has ever said that meeting someone is easy — especially after a divorce. It’s hard to start dating after years without practice, and facing the dating scene today is especially challenging. But take heart: people just like you start relationships every day.

What are the best ways to find and meet potential partners? What are the expectations between couples these days? How do you venture out as a single — safely and successfully? What’s the first step?

Are you ready?

If you aren’t emotionally ready to start a new relationship, you won’t end up with the right person. Barbara De Angelis, relationship expert and the author of Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who’s Right and Avoiding Who’s Wrong (Delacorte Press) recommends asking yourself these questions to determine whether you’re ready to have an intimate relationship.

1. Are you still angry and resentful towards your ex?
2. Do you dislike who you are? Do you feel lonely and desperate without a relationship?
3. Are you still in love with your ex?
4. Do you feel like you have nothing valuable to offer someone?

If you answered “yes” to even one of these questions, you probably aren’t ready for a new relationship. Perhaps you need more time to recover sufficiently from your relationship breakdown before you try again. If you suspect that you aren’t ready for love, work on improving your relationship with yourself first. When you can honestly answer “no” to each of these questions, you’ll be ready. Meeting strategy # 1: develop a hobby

The first thing to learn is there is no one right or wrong strategy for finding someone. If you think long and hard about it, you’ll realize that you actually have limitless opportunities to meet people. Try something you’ve never done before — or something you used to enjoy before your marriage. For instance, perhaps you loved hiking or biking, but stopped going because your ex didn’t enjoy those activities. Or maybe you loved to dance, but your ex had two left feet. Taking some dance lessons is a great way to meet new people with a similar interest, and boost your self-confidence. You’ll probably make some great new friends along the way as you become more involved with a variety of activities. After all, a person with interests is automatically interesting to others who share the same hobbies. Go places where the sort of people you’d like to meet might be — whether that’s a dance club, a wine tasting club or a scuba diving club. But remember that meeting someone is not a life-or-death mission: it should be fun. Lighten up, go out to a place or event you’ll enjoy, and take a friend with you the first time, if you feel nervous. Do whatever it takes to make yourself comfortable, and start today!

Introduction services

Introduction services are gaining in popularity as people find they need help to find Mr. or Ms. Right in these hectic times. There is a range of dating services available today: some do the matchmaking for you; others let you select from videos or from short bios. What they all have in common is a client-base of individuals who are looking for a relationship.

Matchmaking services will typically ask new members to fill in a detailed questionnaire about themselves, their likes and dislikes, and what kind of person they’re looking for as their ideal mate. Most will perform an in-depth personal interview with each member. You’ll work with a company consultant who will attempt to find close matches for your personality profile — which includes your attitude, emotional maturity, and social skills — and provide you with detailed information and phone numbers of appropriate matches. Both parties are usually notified of a potential match, so that either can initiate the first phone call. After the call and possibly first date, each member calls his or her consultant to provide feedback. Hopefully an on-going relationship will eventually develop between two members and no further referrals will be supplied unless the relationship breaks down, at which point the process starts over again.

A matchmaker may also help you identify your strengths and weaknesses, and tell you how you might be perceived by others. Since no two dating services are alike, call several to request information about their procedures, policies, and prices. Don’t hesitate to ask questions, and don’t be pressured into making a decision on the spot. Matchmaking services can be expensive, but they will save you the time and effort of attending socials or sorting through and responding to personal ads. Before signing with a matchmaker:

* Talk to at least three agencies to compare costs and services.
* Check the agencies with the Better Business Bureau or your state licensing board.
* Ask for testimonials or referrals to satisfied clients.
* Ask how long the agency has been in business.
* Ask how many people in your age range they have on their register of each sex.
* Know exactly what the services are, and what they will cost.
* Ask about methods of payment. Do they require all the money in advance of services, or can you pay in installments?

The personal approach

Personal ads are not for everyone, but many people have found love through this method. “Placing a personal ad is not only a cost-effective way to meet someone but it exposes you to a lot of people quickly,” says Emily Thornton Cavlo, co-author of 25 Words Or Less a new book on how to write an effective, personal ad. “Psychologically, placing an ad puts you into the dating mode, and it helps to know that there are lots of other people just like you who want to meet someone but don’t want to go through the club or bar scene.”

If you get bogged down in the process of writing an ad, start by letting your subconscious do all the work: just jot down all the things that come to mind when you think of a potential mate, and what you consider your best points to be. Once you’ve laid the groundwork, refining your ad is relatively easy.

Cavlo and her co-author, Laurence Minisky, recommend keeping three things in mind when writing and responding to a personals ad:

1. What kind of person are you looking for? We all have a list of traits we want in a partner. These traits can be anything from “kind and sensitive” to a “non-smoker who likes children under the age of four.”
2. What kind of person are you? Make a list of words that describe you, then select the words that really paint a picture about who you are — the ones that make a reader see, hear, smell, and taste who you are. By doing this, “generous” becomes “volunteer reader for the blind,” and “loves to cook,” becomes “you’ll love my sun-dried tomato lasagna.”
3. What level of commitment are you looking for? If you clarify the level of commitment and intimacy you’re looking for, you’ll target the people who are looking for the same type of relationship. Being straightforward about what you want ensures you don’t get involved with someone with a different agenda than yours. And don’t respond to ads with an incompatible level of commitment, no matter how interesting the person sounds.

Once you’ve written your masterpiece, you must decide where to place it. “Opportunities as to where you should place your ad are growing daily,” says Minisky. “A way to choose where to best place your ad is to look at the publication’s target readership. If it’s important to you to date someone who lives close by, place an ad in the local newspaper, or on your supermarket bulletin board. If you’d like to date a single father, seek out a single-parent’s newsletter or website, and so on. If you place your ad in the wrong place, you’ll have a hard time finding the right person for you.”

The cost of placing a personal ad can range from free to hundreds of dollars. If your budget allows, place your ad in a publication you read or website you visit yourself.

Responding to an ad is a kind of advertisement in its own right. Use the same three criteria (above) to introduce yourself to the person who placed the ad. Refer to something about the ad you particularly liked, so the recipient knows that you’re responding to him or her specifically — that you’re not just sending form letters to everyone.

Telephone personals

This form of meeting someone is fairly new but growing at a fast rate. Telephone personals services such as Chit Chat, New York’s #1 Talkline, and Telepersonals allow you to record an ad, which other members can then listen to over the phone. If you pique someone’s interest, he or she will leave a message for you. Of course, you can listen to other members’ messages and respond to as many as you like. When you call in, an automated voice prompts you through a series of choices to route you to a specific part of overall system.

Many services are completely free for women, since there are usually more men than women using the service.

It’s also usually free for men to record their ad and listen to ads, but men usually have to pay to respond to ads and to pick up their messages. With many services, you would first select an age group, then what kind of relationship you are looking for (from friendship to marriage), and then the basic personality of the person you are hoping to meet.

Once you’ve hit it off and exchanged several messages with someone, take the time to have two or three long phone conversation before deciding to meet. This gives you the opportunity to explore whether your interests, attitudes, values, and relationship goals are compatible, and to judge the character of your prospective date. Taking the time to talk to each other not only helps you build a rapport, it also helps you better determine if the person is right for you.

“I decided to use a telephone personals company because it was fast, easy, and inexpensive,” says Shawn, a former member of a telephone personals service. “As a part-time single dad with a demanding career as a computer programmer, I didn’t have a lot of time to spend looking for the perfect mate. I joined from home, and listened to ads after the kids went to sleep. I never met anyone on the system that I didn’t like, and I dated two or three nice women before meeting Debbie. We talked for a couple of hours before we met (which is amazing because I hate phone conversations), so I knew we were intellectually compatible. As soon as she walked into the restaurant, I knew that she was the one. We got married last spring — three years from the day we met.”

Computer compatibility

The Internet connects over 25-million people from over 60 countries every day. More and more people are joining this cybersociety at a fantastic rate. It’s accessible 24 hours a day — come rain or shine, sleet or snow — from the comfort of your own home. All you need to launch yourself into cyberspace is a computer, a modem, some communications software, an internet provider (such as AOL) and a phone line or cable access to your provider.

Online matchmaking services, such as Match.com and Lavalife, provide a user-friendly way to meet people.

A leader in online personals, Match.com offers a fun and safe way to meet other singles. With more than 1.2-million members, this service offers a large member pool of quality singles, the majority of whom range in age from 25 to 45. Their “Super Search” allows you to quickly find profiles which fit your criteria, and will also send you new profiles that match your wants as they are posted. Match.com offers all users a free seven-day trial with unlimited access to browse through its member profile database.

Lavalife has been around for over 15 years. With more than 50,000 messages being posted everyday, Webpersonals offers three distinct destinations: one for men and women to connect; one for gay men (“manline”); and one for gay women (“womanline”). Once you’ve picked a destination, you can choose which community you’d like to join: “Dating,” Romance,” or “Intimate.” You can sign up in any or in all communities, then search each one for someone interesting. Their search engine allows you to be very specific about what kind of person you’re looking for; once you have your results, you can read any of the selected bios you wish.

Much like real-world dating, some people treat online dating as a fun way to pass time — a novelty. Others treat it as a genuine and meaningful way of socializing, hopefully leading towards a long-term relationship.

“Meeting online means you really have to work on your communication skills,” says Nina, a Toronto cosmetician who met Brian from Colarado. “It cuts through the superficial small talk, so you can immediately get to know someone. There’s no time to talk about the weather.” For the last two years, the two have gotten to know each other via the internet, and spent to two weeks vacationing together last summer. Now, the couple is making plans for Brian to move to Toronto to be with Nina. The discussions in cyberspace often cut through the small talk and superficiality of ordinary life. People can be intimate without being self-conscious, which can lead to deeper conversations (or cybersex, if you’re so inclined). It’s not without dirty spots, but cyberspace can be like the real world: it’s an exciting terrain to explore.

Wining and dining

Singles dances and parties are held on a weekly or monthly basis in every major city in North America. When you go to a function sponsored by a singles organization, the key is to make conversation with a number of different people and really listen to what they’re saying (both verbally and with body language).

Remember, it’s not enough to simply place yourself in a meeting environment: you need to maintain a positive attitude and give off inviting vibes (“inviting” does not mean promiscuous! Be appropriate). If you’re unfriendly, no one will take the time to get to know you. If you go with friends, don’t cling to them; approaching a pack of men or women can be too intimidating for someone who’d otherwise love to talk you.

Since we all have to eat, dinner groups can be an excellent way to meet someone and enjoy a great meal at the same time. The Single Gourmet offers events across North America — including New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles. It has more than 1,000 members in each of these cities. The Single Gourmet attracts single professionals who have a love of fine food, conversation, and socializing with other interesting singles. This atmosphere offers singles the opportunity to meet while dining together at a wide variety of the cities’ restaurants on a weekly schedule.

One terrific way to meet a lot of eligible people at once is host a dinner party with seven or eight other friends, each of whom is asked to bring one or more attractive eligible people of the opposite sex with whom they are not personally involved. Roger, a business executive with little spare time for socializing, began to hold monthly parties where he invited male friends to bring the most fascinating women they knew as long as they were not romantically linked. When it became clear that many of the invitees were showing up alone, Roger enlisted the help of women who had been to past parties to invite their single female friends. Hosting single soirees, theme parties, and other events is a great way to expand your network quickly.

Cultural encounters

Theater enthusiasts, music lovers, dance devotees, museum goers, and art aficionados will be happy to know that there are many people who share your interests — and many organizations and events that can bring you together.

When it comes to theater, you could attend a benefit for a theater company, see a play with other singles, or even take an acting class or audition for the community theater.

Most cities boast at least one museum. In addition to exhibits, your local museum might offer special events, such as silent movie programs, modern film classics programs, concerts, lecture series on arts, and hands-on art classes.

Another way to meet someone with the same appreciation for the arts is take a class. Consider signing up for group lessons in painting, ceramics and pottery, or dancing (take some private lessons first to brush up or gain confidence). You’ll not only meet great new people who share your interests, but you’ll have the fun of participating in a new hobby.

Parties for a Purpose

Involvement with non-profit organizations offers gratification in more ways than one. By investing your time, energy, and/or money as a volunteer, or by participating in fundraising events, you may experience a fruitful social life and feel good about making a contribution to a worthwhile cause. The more involved you become, the better you’ll get to know others who share your sensibility and desire to “do good.”

Many organizations offer volunteer opportunities, but may require a serious time commitment; take this into consideration when selecting which organization to support. Charities and special-interest groups and organizations are also a great way to connect with like-minded men and women. Many of the non-profit helping organizations — such as The American Red Cross, The American Cancer Society, The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, or The Multiple Sclerosis Society — wouldn’t be able to provide services to those in need without their dedicated volunteers. The rewards for helping others really can’t be measured. You’ll experience a genuine feeling of self-worth and of real usefulness — valuable indeed if you’re going through a difficult separation or divorce.

Better yourself

Life after divorce can be emotionally as well as physically exhausting. Depending on your unique situation and needs, a retreat, some exercise, or education could work wonders for your health, your peace of mind, and your social life. If you feel good about yourself, it shows — and that makes you much more attractive to others.

What’s the best kind of exercise? The one you enjoy doing, because you’ll actually do it. If you’d like the opportunity to meet people while getting or staying fit, choose a group activity such as co-ed volleyball, skiing, hiking, or a biking club. If you’re feeling self-conscious about your athletic ability, choose a more relaxed “fun” team or club. Don’t choose a sport you hate just because you think you’ll meet more potential dates; if you’re having a lousy time, you’re going to be lousy company.

Another way to improve yourself, and increase your opportunities to meet people, is to take some classes. You can study almost any subject in the world, from academic subjects (such as history, philosophy, literature, and psychology) to yoga to desktop publishing. You can learn how to play the stock market or how to play chess, fix your car or bake bread. The Learning Annex and the Seminar Centers in your area offer great classes on a variety of subjects. There are even classes on how to find your soulmate! Your classmates will be people like you: they’ll be interested in knowing more about an intriguing topic, and might just be hoping to meet new people and develop new friends.

Travel

Travel offers wonderful opportunities for singles. Adults-only resorts such as the Allegro Jack Tar in Mexico and Hedonism II in Jamaica provide a relaxed atmosphere and activities designed to encourage guests to mingle and meet. You could also join a singles tour geared to your tastes and interests — whether that’s visiting European art galleries or going on Safari in Africa. If you’re traveling alone, you can request a roommate (lowering your expenses and giving you a companion), and you’re sure to befriend others in the group.

“Group tours can really expand your horizons,” says Martha Chapman of Signature Vacations. “You’ll have the opportunity to visit a destination you’ve always wanted to see, take advantage of the package prices, and you have access to lots of company if you want it. You’re alone, but not lonely.” Chapman also recommends taking advantage of the benefits that an all-inclusive package can offer. “All- inclusive resorts can offer you lots of security, activities, and an ambiance that allows you to meet a lot of new people. Everything is included and offered right there at the resorts, giving you the opportunity to try something new — such as scuba diving, windsurfing, sightseeing, or going on an archeological dig. You’ll be taking those lessons and day trips with many other guests of the resort, many of whom will probably become good friends and companions for the rest of your stay.”

Some all-inclusive resorts are very singles-oriented or offer adult-only stays. Call your travel agent, who should be able to help you find the perfect destination, package, or tour for you.

Get out and socialize

“I took a survey among my friends who are married or in a serious relationship,” says Diane, a single professional who works for an insurance association. “There are many ways to meet your soul mate, but none of them involve sitting at home doing nothing.”

Still have no idea where to find single people? No problem. These suggestions are sure to put you where you want to be — with other great singles! If you’re shy, try the approaches that scare you the least to start with.

* Bookstores. Select an interesting book, then approach someone and ask them if they’ve ever read it or know the author’s work.
* Single Parent Support Groups. If you’re a single parent, this is a great way to share your concerns, get helpful ideas, and meet other like-minded single parents.
* Coffee Houses. A casual and popular spot for singles these days. Sit down with a copy of Divorce Magazine (it’s a great conversation piece!) and enjoy the exotic blends. Some coffee houses offer poetry readings and live music as well.
* Parks. A great place to walk or picnic. Check with your local department of parks and recreation and get on their mailing list. They sponsor some great activities, like dancing in the park, arts, and craft shows. And walking a cute, friendly dog is a great way to meet people — they’ll come to you!
* Video stores. Are you into comedy? Or maybe you need a little drama in your life. Find someone interesting in the oldies section. Reminisce with him or her about how they just don’t make movies like that anymore, then discuss your favorite classics.
* Commuting. Taking the train or bus from work doesn’t have to be boring. Sit next to someone you find interesting, start up a conversation, and make the trip home an enjoyable one.

As you begin looking into one or more of these possibilities, you’ll discover more opportunities than you could have imagined to meet other single people in your area. Take a good look at the bulletin boards on the internet and listing section of your local newspapers and magazines for singles events that might interest you.

The opportunities for you to reach out and become involved in absorbing and enjoyable activities — to keep on learning and growing, to do some good, to make new friends, and perhaps even find new love — are all around you. All you have to do is seize them.

Dating safety rules

Caution is the keyword here. It doesn’t matter how or where you’ve met someone — whether it was through the personals, online, at a bar, or even though friends — don’t rush into too much intimacy too fast. Don’t be too quick to give your phone number, address, deeply personal information — or your body — to a virtual stranger. Some of life’s dangers are beyond your control, but you can protect yourself against others.

“Get to know someone on the phone before planning to meet up with them,” says Cavlo. “Take your time and get to know their sense of humor, their interests, and hear about their lives, so you have a better idea of who you are meeting — or if you really want to meet them.”

Use common sense when you plan to meet face-to-face with someone new. Here are a few tips to help keep you safe:

* Never invite strangers to your home until they are no longer strangers. This means you don’t give your address to anyone until you feel reasonably sure he/she won’t hurt you when you are alone with him/her, or try to break into your home to carry off your precious possessions when you’re away.
* Meet in a public spot, preferably during the day. Coffee is quick, and if things are going well, you can always extend it into a meal. But if you arrange to meet for dinner and a movie, your evening may seem like an eternity if things are going badly.
* Use your own transportation. After you’ve met the person, if you have any doubts at all about him or her, don’t allow yourself to be driven to dinner or to the theater. Take your own car. If you have strong doubts, don’t go.
* If you don’t have a car, make sure you have some cash and a credit card so you can get home.
* Carry change for a telephone or bring a cellular phone.
* Leave a trail. If you’re going out with someone for the first time, let a friend or family member know where you’re going, when you’ll be back, and who you’re with. Tell them you’re going out with someone you don’t know very well and give them your date’s name, phone number, and any information that you may have about the person.
* Be on the lookout for inconsistency. “Does the information you’re received during your date agree with the facts you got over the phone, through e-mail, etc.?” says Minsky. “If the person is still very secretive about where they work or live even after several conversations, this can be a sign that there may be a hidden agenda that isn’t in your best interests.”
* Keep your financial situation to yourself. Be wary of too many questions about your assets. Don’t be persuaded to invest in anything without full investigation.
* At the end of a date, make sure you aren’t being followed home. If you are being followed, drive to a police station or a friend’s apartment where you can call the police.
* If you don’t like the person, don’t give him or her your home phone number. Give a phony number, if it will let you make your exit without creating a scene.
* Trust your gut. If you have a feeling that there’s something wrong, then there’s something wrong. And you should go with that feeling. All in all, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Also remember not to take your date’s reticence on certain matters personally. They may just be protecting themselves in case you turn out to be a psycho. For the first few weeks, if he doesn’t want you to see his car, or she doesn’t want to tell you where she lives, that’s smart. If it’s been six months, however, you should smell a rat.

What happens next?

You never know what can come from a date: it may be nothing, it may be a friendship, it may be a romance. Don’t set impossible standards for yourself or your date. You may certainly have a wish list, but you’re now mature enough to know that no one person can be expected to meet all your needs. Allow yourself and others to be human. That doesn’t mean accepting someone as partner if he or she doesn’t enrich and enhance your life in important ways, but it does mean getting rid of fantasies of the perfect mate.

Just be open to everyone you meet. Maybe you’ve found your next employer. A sister or brother-in-law. Or a new friend. Learn from your dates; even if they go badly, it can help you identify the qualities you don’t want in a mate. Have respect for yourself: you deserve to be treated well. Have respect for others: don’t be rude unless you have to. Above all, relax and enjoy yourself. Dating may seem very different this time around, but it’s still good fun and can be very rewarding.

How will you know?

You’ve meet someone you really like, but you’re wondering whether he or she is really right for you.

Take the time to see if you are compatible: physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, sexually, professionally, and in your hobbies (add or subtract items from this list based on your own wants and needs).

In Are you the One for Me? Barbara De Angelis offers a “Sixty Second Compatibility Test” you can use to see how well matched you are with someone. She suggests you ask yourself the following four questions about your prospective or present partners:

* Would I want to have a child with this person?
* Would I want to have a child just like this person?
* Do I want to become more like this person?
* Would I be willing to spend my life with this person if he or she never changed from the way they are now?

If you answered “yes” to all four questions, you’re probably compatible with one another. If you answered “no,” ask yourself why.

Once you think you’ve found the partner of your dreams, what can you do to create a marriage in which you have the kind of intimacy you want but still retain your sense of self as an separate individual?

According to Victoria Jaycox, author of Single Again, “One step is to make sure that you and your partner have the same kind of marriage in mind. Talk through what each of you expects from a partner and try to work out any differences before you marry. Discuss how you will handle differences, your own separate responsibilities, and how you will be there to support each other. What you want to achieve is an understanding about the nature of your marriage.”

The second step is to decide whether you’re willing to make those efforts and compromises required by this relationship. Those are the costs. For the benefits to outweigh them, your new partner must be someone who meets your needs for caring, intimacy and autonomy,” says relationship expert Barbara De Angelis. “Although finding that person is rare, it does happen. And if it has happened to you, you better than anyone will be able to recognize and grab hold of the miracle it represents.”

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Sex and Divorce

February 24, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

40dbdf5a50de2dfac6768c87b0fc8d73 Sex and Divorce

Coping with divorce and the prospect of new sexual relationships can be emotionally challenging, to say the least. Here’s a look at some of the pitfalls and opportunities you’ll encounter as you rebuild your sex life.

When it comes to divorce and new relationships, there’s a memorable line from the 1989 Rob Reiner film, When Harry Met Sally. Soon-to-be-married Marie and Jess have each just gotten off the phone from consoling their single friends, Harry and Sally, who are suffering the tremors of emotional uncertainty brought on by the aftermath of their first sexual encounter together. Afterward, Marie turns to Jess and pleads: “Please tell me I will never have to be out there again!”

That we understand this sentiment should come as no surprise. When married, our sexual routine was a safe bet. We either had sex or we didn’t. We were familiar with our partner’s moves, and we knew what was expected of us. Whatever else it may have been, it was safe. And our needs were — to varying extents, depending on the partnership — being met. After a break-up, however, things are neither “safe” nor predictable. We’re not only dealing with a painful recovery process, but we’re also wondering if we’ll ever have a satisfying relationship — or whether we’ll be able to love or be loved — again.

Sex and divorce are two of the most emotionally potent subjects of our time. When combined, they create a psychological cocktail with all the portents of both ecstasy and hangover, of pleasure and pain, of risk and failure. And, as with any strong elixir, the subliminal message reads: handle with care.

Unless you left your ex for someone else, break-up usually means being single again. And being single again means that you’re going to face, in one way or another, the potential of new relationships and their inherent sexuality. And sexuality, for all the self-help manuals that have proliferated in North America over the last few decades, still remains a mystery to some extent. Sex is the private poetry that flows between two individuals — even if only for the moment — carrying with it a unique signature of communication at its most intimate. It’s a physical and emotional union where our most primal expressions of self are laid bare to another being.

Divorce, on the other hand, no matter how common it has become in our society, is still a painful psychological process of denial and acceptance, grief and growth, death and rebirth. How is one to manage both the pain of divorce and the uncertainty of new sexual encounters when dealing with one comes so close upon the heels of the other? Coping with divorce and the prospect of intimate sexual relationships thereafter is like having each foot in a different camp: which deserves the most attention?

The answer lies in finding the root that connects them both: in dealing with one issue, you ultimately find yourself dealing with both. And in order to begin that process, you need to examine the dynamics of the partnership that’s ended and identify a starting point uniquely your own.

Being out in the cold

According to Jill Fein, a certified Imago relationship therapist and LCSW practicing in Lincolnwood, IL, some people want to get right back on the horse after splitting up with their spouse — and the sooner, the better. “It’s a way to reassure themselves that they’re still desirable,” she says. “Others are very cautious: they want to protect themselves from ever being hurt again. Many clients have told me they’d love to be in a relationship if there were a guarantee they wouldn’t get hurt. But opening your heart to someone is a risk — and it’s the risk you have to take if you want to be in a relationship.”

There’s absolutely no doubt that the prospect of new sexual relationships is going to bring emotional issues related to your break-up to the forefront. If you have unresolved hurt or anger, these are going to affect your sexuality and your ability to become involved in a fulfilling manner. Post-divorce sex can either salt the existing wounds or be a loving, satisfying experience; it depends on where you are on your “healing curve.”

Being dumped can bring on low self-esteem, feelings of personal failure, rejection, and abandonment. And these will have a tremendous impact on how you perceive your sexual attractiveness and the way you interact sexually. In addition, there’s still a considerable divide between men and women with respect to sexual objectives and attitudes that govern sexual behavior.

Looking for Mr./Ms. Goodbar

Feelings of abandonment or rejection can manifest themselves in a number of ways. You could experience some sexual inhibitions and feel fearful of sexual contact, since rejection can have a debilitating effect on your sense of inner self and body image. Alternatively, you could use your sexuality as a vehicle to act out your anger and to regain a sense of control, or as an attention-getting device, attempting to repair your damaged self-esteem.

A woman who has been left by her spouse often loses much of her self-confidence and self-esteem, notes Toronto-based individual and marital therapist Karen Solomon-Ament. “She needs to feel love and acclamation, and so she’ll have sex with the guy who gives her attention and fulfills her immediate need. Then she wakes up the next morning hating herself. It can also be a way of retaliating from being in a relationship where she felt impotent, neglected, or rejected.” Of course, men can end up on this emotional rollercoaster, too.

Solomon-Ament says that this is really a form of self-sabotage: that by using casual sex specifically to deal with unresolved issues, you’re only effecting a temporary cure that carries one hell of an emotional hang-over — not to mention the physical dangers of having sex with someone you don’t know well. Your self-esteem and sense of self-worth continue to be assaulted the “morning after,” and you’re actively denying yourself all of the joy and fulfillment of a loving sexual relationship.

Sex with your ex

Many couples who’ve split up avoid the whole prospect of being out in the cold by continuing to have a sexual relationship even though the relationship is over. It’s a way of remaining in the safe, secure sexual environment we know and delaying the inevitable plunge into the unknown singles market. Therapists, however, are quick to point out that it “ain’t over ’till it’s over.” In other words, while sex with your ex can provide a wonderful release, you need to let go sexually in order to fully heal, grow, and move on to a new life. And that won’t happen until you and your ex can agree to stay out of each other’s beds.

Sharon admits to having an on-again, off-again affair with her ex-husband, Dave, for four years after they split up. “Every time we’d make love, I’d think ‘This feels so great — he must want to get back together with me.’ And each time, I ended up hurt and disappointed, because all he wanted was the sex.” The last time they slept together, Dave told her he was engaged to someone else. “It was like a cold bucket of water in the face,” Sharon remembers. “I asked him how he could cheat on his fiancée, and he replied that it wasn’t really cheating if it was just with me.” She suddenly realized that he intended to go on having sex with her even after his marriage to another woman, and that she had to terminate their sexual relationship if she wanted to get over him and move on with her life. “It was a bit like getting divorced again — really sad and painful,” she says. “And it took Dave years to stop making passes at me whenever I’d see him; he just couldn’t believe that I was never going to sleep with him again.”

Abusive marriages

If you’ve left behind an abusive marriage, there are probably a number of very deep emotional issues that need to be tackled before you should consider starting an intimate, sexual relationship. The main risk of entering into new relationships lies in repeating an established pattern: the relationship may be new, but your role as a victim will be all too familiar.

“Before getting into a new relationship, you should consider therapy,” advises Debra Burrell, a New York psychotherapist who provides “Mars-Venus” counseling and workshops based on the work of Dr. John Gray. “Make sure you’re not the same person who was the victim in the abusive relationship. You need to learn how to spot the warning signs early on, and how to attract a different type of mate.”

Burrell emphasizes that unresolved emotional issues stemming from an abusive marriage can result in the individual finding themselves in the same type of toxic relationships over and over again.

Sexually repressed marriages

When coming from a sexually repressed marriage, there are two common reactions: to choose another partner with low sexual requirements; or to get out there and make up for lost time! If you felt sex-starved by an unresponsive marital partner, then you’re going to have a great deal of pent-up urges that want expression. And finding a sexually responsive partner can open up a whole new realm of joy.

There are risks, however, to becoming sexually active immediately following a break-up. Burrell points out that you’re not likely to be very discriminating at this stage, and that you’ll only become more discerning with time. The difference between sexual experimentation as acting-out behavior — as opposed to the positive enjoyment of one’s freedom — depends on a number of psychological factors. Whether or not it’s okay to “go out and play” for a while depends on you: your background, religious beliefs, and personal history.

“If you’re inclined to have sex immediately after break-up, you need to accept that it’s raw sex,” says Solomon-Ament. “It’s primal. Sex for its own sake is okay as long as it’s consenting and not abusive or destructive to either partner.”

And remember to have safe sex each and every time you sleep with someone. You can’t tell whether someone has a sexually transmitted disease (STD) by looking at them: nice people get AIDS and herpes, too. If you don’t know what safe sex is (and you may not after a long-term, monogamous marriage), ask your doctor about safe-sex practices, or get a book such as Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer or The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex and read all about it before having sex with a new partner.

Most therapists agree that it takes a minimum of one to two years to heal from a divorce. You’re extremely vulnerable after a break-up, so if you’re not sure about whether you really want to have sex, or why you are having sex, it’s best to wait until you know.

Performance anxiety and inhibitions

Sexual performance anxiety in men is not uncommon after divorce. If this is the case, visit a physician to find out whether there’s a physical cause for your impotence. If physical problems have been ruled out, consider seeking help from a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. Non-organic impotence can be caused by anxiety or guilt: it often emerges when the relationship has not had a final ending or closure; or when it has broken down because the man’s wife was cheating on him; or sometimes even if the man was the one who did the cheating.

Interestingly, though not surprisingly, men often try and work their problems out themselves rather than going for help. For health reasons, however, men suffering from impotence should find out whether the cause is organic or non-organic with the help of a medical practitioner. Then, when they’re ready, they can choose to seek help from a doctor or therapist.

Jill Fein suggests that anyone who has been in a long-term partnership may feel some sexual inhibition with a new partner. “It’s normal to have inhibitions after divorce,” she says. “There’s the fear of being naked in front of someone new — to leave the security of being with someone who has seen you change over the years.”

If you’re used to a sexual routine in which the ability to please and be pleased has been mapped out by experience, you’ll be facing a whole new set of questions, such as: “What’s expected of me now?” “Is there anything more about sex I should know?” or “What kind of sexual behavior is considered acceptable?” These concerns should eventually subside through the process of learning and sharing with a new sexual partner.

“There’s a terrible embarrassment about revealing yourself after years and years of marriage,” says Monica Morris, the author of Looking for Love in Later Life (Avery Publishing). “Both men and women feel like this. Men are afraid they won’t measure up, that they won’t be able to deliver — especially older men, although younger men also experience this… Sex is such a problem for men. Either they have an erection, or they don’t — there’s no faking it.”

Sexual inhibitions in a woman can have a great deal to do with negative body image. Becky Wilborn, president of the Diet Center in Manhattan, points out that being — or even feeling — overweight affects every area of a woman’s life: including her vitality, self-expression, and self-esteem. While she is taking part in the sexual act, this woman’s mind is likely to be engaged with thoughts such as: “I hope he doesn’t see this part of my body, or that part…” rather than concentrating on pleasure. Before she can truly enjoy and wholeheartedly participate in sex, she needs to deal with her body-image issues.

Body Image and Sex

Our body image is what is triggered in our minds when we look in the mirror: how we perceive and feel about ourselves. And there are huge gender differences. Although things are changing, says Wilborn, generally speaking, women are more concerned about appearance and body weight than men. Women are trained from childhood to believe that their appearance is extremely important and they must invest considerable time, effort, and expense in maintaining it if they want to be happy and successful.

Poor body image almost inevitably translates into bad sex. If you’re trying to flatten your stomach or worried about how your thighs look, for example, you’re unlikely to derive much pleasure from the sex act. Dr. Thomas Cash, a researcher into the link between body image and sex at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA has found that women who like the way they look reach orgasm more frequently than those who were preoccupied with their “physical defects”: they reported reaching orgasm 73% of the time compared with only 42% for women with a negative body image.

Very often, weight gain in a woman is a substitute “problem” for an underlying emotional issue she doesn’t want to deal with. For example, if she’s been hurt by a painful break-up and she’s terrified about her future prospects, she might gain weight out of a subconscious wish to become “undesirable” and thereby protect herself from having to face the pain and fear of rejection.

Wilborn, who estimates that 75% of her clients are women, points out that some women start to gain weight before a break-up to avoid sex with their husbands, from whom they feel emotionally estranged. “For some, the extra weight is there because of intimacy issues: the weight is a cushion protecting her from having to have sex with her husband. After a divorce, being overweight can be a barrier between a woman and a new relationship.”

Even a stunning woman can have a poor body image; she feels ugly or undesirable, and that translates into a negative energy that she sends out to men. Most women and men, whether they realize it or not, are attracted to a person’s energy far more than their physiology. The key to positive sexual energy is truly accepting and loving yourself — and that includes your body.

Ask yourself: “How do I feel about my body?” If the answer is a list of dislikes and complaints, then you can be pretty sure you have a self-esteem or body-image problem. The first step to renovating your poor self-image is to identify the belief that’s responsible for it, figure out where this belief came from, and deal with the experience that caused it. If you’re having trouble figuring out the original “trigger” for your negative thoughts, try writing a history of your body: how it looked from early childhood to present day. Maybe your dislike of your body began with a teenage case of acne, or with a sudden weight gain when you started taking birth-control pills, or with a critical boyfriend. Pick up a copy of The Body Image Workbook: An 8-Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks by Thomas F. Cash, Ph.D. for help.

Men are not immune from feelings of low self-esteem or poor body image, either. “Men feel very much like this, too,” says Monica Morris. “Especially older men, although younger men also experience this. They’re afraid they won’t measure up, that they won’t be able to deliver. This seems to be a constant problem with men at any age.”

What men want

There’s an old saying that sex is emotional for women and physical for men. Although it’s dangerous to make generalizations about the way all men are, researchers have found that men are aroused mainly through their senses: particularly through sight, although sound and smell play their parts, too. And, as male arousal tends to be generated by physiological rather than psychological stimuli, men are far more likely than women to be ready for sex very soon after divorce.

The impetus to get involved again can be strengthened by a man’s need to fill the emotional gap that has been created by loss of a partner: having sex means that men can be intimate without having to talk about their feelings. It’s also a validation of their egos, which is especially important when the ego is bruised. Hence, many men are interested in having sex as early as the first date. “Sleeping around to build up self-esteem is a common mistake,” says Debra Burrell. “They’re seeking attention to make them feel loved and lovable, but ultimately, it always backfires.”

Frank asked his wife for a divorce after he discovered that she had been cheating on him with one of his best friends for over a year. He felt deeply betrayed and hurt by both of them, and ended up having a string of one-night stands in an effort to reassure himself about his attractiveness to women — and to make himself feel better. “At first, it was great,” he says. “Going to bed with different women made me feel like some kind of stud — and I was also trying to rub my ex’s nose in the fact that I had multiple sex partners. But after a while, I realized that sex with virtual strangers was not ultimately fulfilling: sure, I wanted sex, but I also wanted to fall asleep with my arms around a woman I loved.”

Frank discovered that he missed the emotional intimacy and touching of marriage as much as he missed the sex, and decided to stop sleeping around until he found someone with whom he really “connected.” He also started going for regular therapeutic massages, which he found lowered his stress level and filled some of his need to be touched by another human.

For men, a desire to have sex doesn’t necessarily translate into a desire for a relationship. For women, however, having sex tends to have different, more powerful implications.

What women want

Women are more likely to glean a sense of being loved from non-sexual behaviors — having flowers bought for them, receiving loving letters, or having a man demonstrate his feelings through appreciative gestures — than through the mere act of having sex. They’re also more likely to want to sort out their post-divorce issues before getting involved sexually again.

For women, sex is usually more than physical gratification. It’s an emotional investment — what Jill Fein calls “opening your heart.” Most men are able to walk away after sex and go about their business without a second thought, but women are left wondering where they stand. If her break-up is very fresh, the potential damages of becoming involved sexually far outweigh the potential benefits.

Respecting these differences makes sense, especially for women. Hence, a good rule of thumb should be: “What’s the hurry?”

Learning to trust again

Having sex can be one of the most intimate acts we can share as human beings. By its very nature, the sexual act makes us vulnerable to one another. And divorce has everything to do with the loss of our faith, idealism, and our trust in others and in relationships. Getting involved again is about learning to trust once more and, before we can do that, we must first heal, deal with our emotional issues, and get a positive sense of self.

Whatever you’re doing sexually, it should feel good, have a sense of “rightness,” and enhance your life with fulfillment and well-being. If you need help getting to that place, don’t be afraid to ask for it. Above all, it’s beneficial to have a healthy awareness of the sexual differences between men and women — this awareness will enable you to celebrate them in yourself and in your new partner.

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Porn Star Profile – AVN – Jewels Jade

February 24, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

Jewels Jade

Age: 34
Height: 5′ 4″
Measurements: 34D-24-35

BIOGRAPHY

A natural performer, San Diego native Jewels Jade first hit the stage at age 5, singing and playing the accordion as well as acting in plays and musicals. In her late 20s, Jewels started stripping at Pacers Showgirls in San Diego, enticing customers for six years before meeting porn legend Peter North, who naturally asked if she was interested in getting into porn.

Jewels was a natural on camera and filthy, too. Her first credit was an anal scene in 2002’s Puritan Video Magazine 35: Escape to Sex Island. She was also the winner of that year’s Wildlife Anal Contest (AVN’s review of the DVD called her performance “inspired” and Jewels a “nasty slut [who] doesn’t stop.”) After a few years of only sporadic appearances, Jewels returned in 2010, shooting for dozens of companies, including Wicked, New Sensations, Reality Kings, Zero Tolerance and others. Without slowing down, she got 2011 off to a roaring start by being named the February Penthouse Pet.

In January 2011, Jewels was voted The Hottest MILF in Porn in the Hottest Girl in Porn contest. She has made appearances on The Man Show, Jenny Jones, Playboy TV and commercials for Spice. She is actively into physical training, which can be credited in part for making her the eldest beauty in the history of Penthouse Pets.

Find Jewels Jade online at:

www.jewelsjade.com

twitter.com/jewelsjadexxx

Bio provided by Rising Star PR

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What porn did to a marriage

February 23, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

9f91b2fc8c94b32d5f52f68d29532eb8 What porn did to a marriage

The blog begins with a startling confession:

Hi, my name is John, and I was a sex addict. I’m also a believer in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and am married to an amazing and beautiful woman of God.

Church leaders have long struggled talking about sex, much less pornography. But Relevant magazine made a daring move this month when it printed a blogger’s confession about how his addiction to pornography affected his marriage.

The blogger is John Buckingham, and he is an English teacher, Relevant says. Buckingham said in the story that his addiction to pornography started when he was 12. He thought it would end after his girlfriend accepted his marriage proposal in early 2010.

Yet four months after getting married, Buckingham says he succumbed. He started watching pornography again. Burdened by guilt, Buckingham said he told his wife what he had done.

She was devastated. All the love and trust and intimacy we had worked so hard to build for the last four months was called into question and our marriage was shaken to its very core. I feared it wouldn’t stand, and I wouldn’t have blamed her in the least for walking out altogether. She had every right to do so.

She didn’t, and as Buckingham suggests later in his article, he didn’t give up either. He says he talked with other Christian men about their struggles but felt that they were using “softening rhetoric” (“I messed up;’ “I stumbled”) to minimize what they were doing.

He writes:

The sin of lust isn’t just a mistake, a mess-up or a problem…it is no less than an act of sin that is reprehensible to God and nothing short of honestly confessing and repenting of that sins is good enough for God.

Rachel Buckingham, John’s wife, writes a follow-up blog explaining how she felt after hearing her husband’s confession.

I no longer felt safe or loved. I was suddenly bombarded with lies—he doesn’t find me attractive; it’s my fault he strayed; I’m not beautiful; I’m not sexy; I am a horrible wife; I’m a failure; he is stuck with me; he doesn’t love me …

Buckingham writes more about his struggle. I’ll leave it to readers to decide if they think he has overcome his addiction.

But his confession left me with two questions:

Is pornography now such a pervasive problem in the church that leaders need to talk more openly about?

And can people of faith like Buckingham actually learn how to overcome their struggles while living in a sexually-charged culture where lurid images are just a mouse-click away?

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The Seven Biggest Romance Spoilers

February 22, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

Romance must have been easy back in the day. Sadly, in today’s wired world of distractions and casual dating, setting the “mood” can be hard. But breaking it? Well, that’s easy. Here are some of the most common romance killers. Are you guilty?

1. Staying connected … to the web
Checking your BlackBerry during foreplay might be an even worse offense than sleeping with someone in your roommate’s bed. To connect with your partner, you must disconnect from the web. Get your phone off the dinner table. Update Facebook later. Virtual Scrabble can wait. FYI: “Live tweeting” a hookup (Shirt is off! #gettingiton) is generally frowned upon.

2. Poor grooming
Guys, the rules have changed. Many moons ago, in a far simpler time, you were considered to have good hygiene if you wore deodorant. Now? More is expected. And when I say “more,” I really mean less … at least when it comes to the hair down there. Different girls have different preferences, but one thing is clear: A moppy, untamed jungle is appreciated by no one. Ladies, the same goes for you.

3. Invoking the ex
Don’t do it. Period. Oh, but you’re bad-mouthing your ex to show your current partner how great he is in contrast? Yeah, still a buzzkill. Think back to Say Anything. Remember Lloyd Dobler with the boom box? Now pretend that John Cusack shouts over the music, “Ya know, I did this once before, for my ex-girlfriend. But she didn’t like it. She was always too focused on her cheerleading, you know, always the rah, rah, rah … ”

4. Talking about money
Talk of prices will undercut any romantic gesture. Consider: “Hope you like the champagne. It cost almost as much as my rent!” Mmm, the taste of implied indebtedness. Or, “I would have brought you a dozen roses … but I could only afford one.” Well-played. You turned a romantic gesture into a pity-fest, miser. “Don’t worry, with my bonus this year, I could have bought you five of these necklaces.” Oh, did you get a bonus for being a pompous jerk?

5. Getting distracted by anything less than an earthquake
When you’re in the moment, you’re in the moment. Don’t kill it. If you break eye contact to watch Houston Rockets highlights, you’re toast. If you point out how good the new lampshades look while he’s nibbling your ear, it’s done. A good rule of thumb: When in the moment, never shift your attention from your partner unless your actual life is at stake … okay, or your mom busts in.

6. Ripping yourself a new one
It’s fine to poke fun at yourself — a little. Think: drunk, naked Seth Rogen (I promise I have a point) in Knocked Up telling Katherine Heigl, “You’re prettier than I am.” Not gratuitous self-deprecating humor like: “If you ever need a carpet, you can just shave my back, ha, ha.” Not: “Just grab onto my giant love handles, ha ha.” And not: “You won’t be late for work — this’ll only take about 45 seconds, ha ha.” Do any of the above, and no sex for you tonight, ha, ha.

7. Dirty talking in public
Let’s say we’re at a dinner party. You’re whispering some naughty things that we’ll do later in my ear — now that’s hot. But having a few too many and announcing our intentions to the party, while boasting about how we shattered the bed frame and annoy the neighbors with our cries of ecstasy? Not so much. Private dirty talk is sexy; public TMI usually means it’s time to take you home, where you’ll promptly pass out, and we won’t be doing any of the things you bragged about.

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