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Porn Star Profile – AVN – Kagney Linn Karter

March 29, 2012 By Admin Leave a Comment

Kagney Linn Karter

Age: 25
Height: 5′ 4″
Weight: 120 lbs.
Measurements: 34-25-36
Hair color: Blonde

BIOGRAPHY

Kagney Linn Karter thought long and hard before entering the adult industry and, ultimately, it was her thinking about things long and hard that got her to make the jump into porn.

Kagney grew up in the Midwest and before entering the adult industry was named a regional Déjà Vu Showgirl of the Year for 2007 while based out of North Hollywood, ultimately taking 2nd place in the national competition.

She began performing late in the summer of 2008 and made the cover of New Sensations’ She’s Got Boobs!, as well as the cover of the April ’09 Hustler magazine with a photo set shot by Holly Randall. Kagney also landed the starring role as Kelly Bundy in X-Play/LFP’s Not Married With Children XXX, after which director Will Ryder pronounced her “the next big thing.”

That assesment proved prophetic when Kagney was crowned AVN’s 2010 Best New Starlet. And literally just days beforehand, she signed an exclusive contract with Zero Tolerance Entertainment/Third Degree Films, for whom she’s appeared in hit releases including Official Jersey Shore Parody, Kagney Linn Karter: Superhero Sex Therapist, Delinquents and Vajazzled.

Prior to going contract, Kagney headlined major titles for Digital Playground, Evil Angel, Jules Jordan Video, Hustler Video, Penthouse and more. In early 2011, she returned to a non-exclusive status with ZT, but still gave the company her very first anal and interracial scenes in the showcase vehicle All About Kagney Linn Karter.

Kagney Linn Karter can be found online at:

www.kagneylinnkarter.com

twitter.com/kagneytweets

myspace.com/kagneylinn

What Do Women Consider Good Sex?

August 16, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

ccade97a37fe4229bbe53dfdf0ba9456 What Do Women Consider Good Sex?

What You Need To Know
Consider foreplay a 24-hour experience that happens in and out of the bedroom.
Play to your strengths by being confident in your abilities.
Think in terms of stimulating her vulva rather than just penetrating the vagina.

“Sure, familiarity can breed boredom, but it can also yield consistent orgasms. ”

(Phatforums News/ AskMen.com) - As a sex therapist and founder of GoodinBed.com as well as the author of numerous books on the subject of pleasuring, such as She Comes First, I guess you could say I have one thing on my mind. Sex is pretty much all I think about and talk about all day (and if I’m lucky, I also get to do it with my wife). Over the years, I’ve learned a thing or two about how to pleasure a woman, so without further ado, here are my 10 “best practices” for being truly good in bed.

1- Think like a “knob,” not a “switch.”
When comparing male and female sexuality, there’s no shortage of adages: “Men are like light switches — just flip them on, and they’re ready to go. Women are like knobs — you can turn them up and down.” Or as Dr. Emily Nagoski writes in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, “Men are like driving standard transmission — if you move through the gears in the right order, you will get where you want to go. Women are like baking a soufflé — the outcome depends on the ingredients and the chef, sure, but it also depends on the reliability of the oven, the altitude, the humidity of the day… more variables, more variability.” In short, think of foreplay as a 24-hour experience that happens both in and out of the bedroom. Sex is all about context. And while it may take very little to rev your engine, remember that she probably needs to simmer.

2- When you’re getting it on, make sure she’s completely relaxed and comfortable.
Researchers in the Netherlands have found that the key to getting a woman turned on and to the heights of orgasmic bliss is a deep sense of relaxation and a lack of anxiety. Brain scans showed that the parts of women’s brains responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion slowed down the more aroused they became, producing a trancelike state at orgasm. Men showed far less change in these regions. “What this means is that deactivation, letting go of all fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm,” says the study’s lead researcher, Dr. Gert Holstege.

3- Take the time to figure out what works.
Every woman is different, and most women don’t even orgasm the first couple of times they’re with a guy. A woman has to feel comfortable, and a guy has to figure out what makes her tick sexually. Some women love wet, sloppy kisses; other women find saliva a total turnoff. Some women love lots of breast stimulation; other women can’t stand it at all. Some women love to be on top in bed; others love missionary style. Some women respond to intense clitoral stimulation; others require very little. Some women have an innate capacity to experience multiple orgasms; others are more like guys — they roll over, and they’re ready to go to sleep. Figure out a sex script that works, and stick to it. Sure, familiarity can breed boredom, but it can also yield consistent orgasms.

4- Once you know what works, wrap it in something fresh: fantasy.
A healthy fantasy life is one of the keys to a great sex life — even when your partner might not always play the leading role. Most people find that they are most sexually satisfied when they are intimate with one person with whom they feel completely comfortable. Along with this intimacy comes the freedom to let go and explore, including fantasizing about other people, places and situations. One study on sexual fantasy by noted expert Dr. Harold Leitenberg found that sexual fantasies occur most often in people with the highest sexual satisfaction and the healthiest sex lives. If you need some ideas, check out our Good in Bed Guide to 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex, in which we offer a different sexy scenario for every week of the year.

5- Play to your strengths.
Very few guys make love like porn stars, nor should we. We live in the real world, and we all have sexual strengths and weaknesses. For example, I suffered from premature ejaculation for years and compensated with oral sex. Some men suffer from erectile disorder on a regular basis, and some guys have a smaller-than-average penis. Develop “sex scripts” — paths to pleasure — that play to your strengths. And be willing to communicate. As Dr. Madeleine Castellanos writes in her guide to Male Sexual Issues, “Wouldn’t it be great if penises could talk — honestly and clearly — about their feelings, especially when it comes to issues in the bedroom?” Most women don’t know how to “speak penis,” so give them a clue.

” Many women claim to lose an orgasm just as they’re on the verge of having one. ”

6- Get cliterate.
When embarking on a journey of female sexual response, know your way around her vulva — from the northern tippy-top of the clitoral glans (the “love-button,” so to speak), to the western and eastern boundaries of the labia minora (her inner lips), to the southernmost regions of the perineum (the smooth expanse of skin just below the vaginal entrance) and anus. Stop thinking of the clitoris as a little bump, and start thinking of it as a complex network, a pleasure dome, the Xanadu at the heart of female sexuality. The clitoris has more than 8,000 nerve fibers — more than any other part of the human body — and interacts with another 15,000 nerve fibers that service the entire pelvic area. “Nerves are like wolves or birds: If one starts crying, there goes the neighborhood,” writes Natalie Angier of the clitoral network. Think in terms of stimulating her vulva rather than just penetrating her vagina.

7- The tongue is mightier than the sword.
When it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man’s native tongue. Even porn star Ron Jeremy, in possession of the famous 10-inch member, observed, “More women have gotten off with my tongue than with my penis.” Once found, a skilled cunnilinguist rarely goes unappreciated. Not sure exactly how? Just press a flat, still tongue against her vulva, and let her do the work. It’s the cunnilingus equivalent of letting her get on top.Unfortunately many men do not learn the true principles of cunnilingus or how to pleasure a woman at the outset, and so, even with the best intentions, their form is without substance. If we were to compare cunnilingus to another art — the martial arts — it would be Tai Chi. Unlike Kung Fu, Tai Chi is slow, focused and graceful, with an emphasis on the balance of yin/yang (male/female energy) to create a harmony of movement and strength. Artful cunnilingus involves many of the same principles as Tai Chi: stillness within movement, balance and pressure, resistance, and key postures. In the Good in Bed Guide to Orally Pleasuring a Woman, we outline our approach to sexual Tai Chi, also called the Mount Method.

8- Show some sexual courtesy, as in “she comes first.”
Unlike men, women don’t reach a point of “orgasmic inevitability” — the moment when, even without further physical stimulation, a guy ventures past the point of no return. In fact, men and women are so different in this respect that many women claim to “lose” an orgasm just as they’re on the verge of having one, which can be particularly frustrating, especially if it occurs regularly. Guys need to pay attention to the journey through female arousal, particularly those final moments of potential orgasmic ecstasy. Recognize the visible signs of female arousal, mainly the muscular tension that develops throughout her body and that will ultimately demand release. Look especially for tension in the hands and feet and throughout her pelvic area.

9- Grab a vibrator off the shelf.
Make like Obi-Wan Kenobi with that thing. Wield it like a Jedi master, and the force of the female orgasm will be with you. According to Nagoski, most women orgasm easiest when using a vibrator. “The mechanical vibration provided by toys is more intense than anything a hand, phallus, tongue, fresh produce, or other organic stimulus can provide,” she writes. “More stimulation [leads to] more arousal [leads to] easier/faster orgasm.” Women generally take longer to orgasm than men, and a lot of men find it hard to last long enough during sex. A vibrator helps you and your partner get at least halfway home, if not take you all the way. And as I discuss in my guide to Overcoming Premature Ejaculation, “With just a little bit of practice, a guy can take the pressure off of his penis and not worry about how long he’s going to last, but instead enjoy the immediacy of plugging into his partner’s arousal.”

10- Finally, don’t forget to cuddle.
To paraphrase the pioneering sexologist Theodore van de Velde, it’s in the moments after orgasm that a man proves whether or not he’s an “erotically civilized” adult.

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Prescriptions for Sexual Frustration

August 9, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

d0cc02114797036037110c6352b4a8ca Prescriptions for Sexual Frustration

(Phatforums News/ WebMD) – Forget the penis for a moment, and the vagina and clitoris, too. Even when the genitals are working the way they’re supposed to, with or without medical help, sexual satisfaction can still be difficult to achieve.

Sexual dysfunction often takes center stage when we talk about sexual problems, but it isn’t the only cause of sexual frustration. Sometimes nothing in the medicine cabinet can help couples sort out their sexual differences.

Ask several different people what makes for good sex, and you’re likely to get as many different answers. To one, it may be a specific sex act or situation, while another may answer, “Being with my true love,” and yet another may never have given the question much thought.

“Sexuality is so self-defined,” says sex educator Violet Blue, who lectures at San Francisco State University and the University of California at Berkeley, and whose many books include The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio and Sweet Life: Erotic Fantasies for Couples.

“Each person’s sexuality is as individual to them as a fingerprint,” Blue tells WebMD.

What causes sexual frustration?

You’re always eager to get it on, and time between sexual encounters seems like an endless stretch of desert between one oasis and the next. Or maybe you think you’re having plenty of sex, and you can’t fathom why she broods over not having enough.

“It’s normal to have one partner want sex more than the other,” Patricia Love, a marriage and family therapist and author of Hot Monogamy, tells WebMD. “I think this is the most common frustration that men and women have.”

And it isn’t only an issue between men and women. “These kinds of things show up in same-sex relationships just as much,” says sex therapist Louanne Cole Weston, PhD.

We usually assume men have bigger sexual appetites than women, a stereotype that holds true in many cases, but by no means all. Weston says a considerable number of women want sex more often than their male partners do. “It’s more of a closeted problem,” she tells WebMD, because of embarrassment on both sides. Not only do these women get frustrated because they’re not getting what they want, “they take it as a negative comment on their own attractiveness,” she says.

There’s a fair amount of negative speculation regarding men with lower sex drives, too. If he lacks interest, Weston, says, she may wonder if he’s secretly gay or has another lover on the side.

New thinking about the female libido may explain why women seem to want sex less frequently than men do. In a 2001 article in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, researcher Rosemary Basson, MD, of the University of British Columbia, proposed that many women need to become physically aroused before their desire for sex kicks in. Couples may run into trouble when women don’t understand this about themselves.

“If I’m sitting around waiting to feel like I want to have sex or to desire to have sex, it ain’t gonna happen,” Love says. “I have to make a conscious decision to become aroused, to do whatever it is that arouses me. All you need is the desire to desire to be a great sex partner. But we’re not used to being intentional about it.”

So how often does the average couple have sex? What is normal?

“I will never answer the question,” Lou Paget tells WebMD. Paget is a sex educator whose books include The Great Lover Playbook and Hot Mamas. “And you know why I don’t?” he says. “Because I know someone’s going to get beaten up with that number.”

Sexual communication

As frustrating as it is to not have sex as often as you’d like, what’s worse is not being able to do what you like. Maybe you have a fantasy your partner isn’t willing to help you fulfill, or a certain sex act is off limits. It could be something relatively tame, like having sex with the lights on instead of in the dark, or something as crazy as … you name it.

Violet Blue says she routinely hears about three things that would really make someone’s day but their partner says, “No way”: anal sex, swallowing after fellatio, and arranging a threesome.

Typically, she hears this from men, but that doesn’t mean women are all shrinking violets. “Men tend to be more vocal about wanting to try a particular sex act or a particular fantasy,” she says, “but women are always proving me wrong. They always blow my mind with how shocking they are about sex.”

For those in long-term relationships, it’s frustrating when something that was a favorite dish when the romance was new is suddenly taken off the menu. But it’s not uncommon for people to extend themselves beyond what they would normally do when they’re infatuated and eager to please. When they’re not in such an accommodating mood anymore, they retract. That’s understandable, but it can seem like false advertising.

“The reason the person signed up was because you were behaving like that,” Paget says. Of course, you’re not obliged to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but understand if your partner is peeved.

Work towards a compromise if you can. “You can move in graduated steps,” Love says. Start with something that’s close to what she wants to do, get comfortable with that, and then try something closer still. If you’re on the receiving end of the favor, don’t insist on having everything exactly your way. Perhaps you want oral sex, for example, but your partner will only do it when you’re fresh out of the shower. That is what Weston calls “the price of admission.” Sometimes you have to accept it.

Singles are not exempt from frustration and anxiety about their quirks and kinks. You may not be locked into sexual negotiation with one partner forever, but then again, new partners don’t know what you want, and you may have some explaining to do. “You have to learn to be creative with your sexual communication,” Violet Blue says. All too often, when people get together, they share everything about themselves — their tastes, pet peeves, histories, and habits — except for what pertains to sex.

“They think they know what the other person is thinking and wants to do,” Paget says. “Invariably they’re not accurate.”

Setting the scene

You catch her eye. She comes to you, and you tumble into a passionate embrace. Sultry notes from a tenor saxophone rise in the background. You tear at each other’s clothes. The air quivers with the heat of your lovemaking.

That may be the scene, but we often forget how it was set. “All the things that people use as an example of spontaneous sex,” Paget says, “those things were all planned.” Phone calls were made, dates and times agreed upon, email checked, work wrapped up, teeth brushed, privacy secured. Most people rarely find themselves swept into a totally unexpected sexual encounter, and they may become frustrated because they don’t do enough planning, expecting that kind of spontaneity.

It’s a major pitfall for parents. If your sex life has withered since you started a family, the reason may be that you are not fitting sex into your schedule. “Couples who weather the storm of parenting, and make their relationships work, they absolutely make their intimacy and their relationship a priority,” Paget says. “They do not assume that their sex life is going to occur spontaneously.”

You don’t have to go so far as to pencil it into your calendar, but at least make sure your partner knows when you are available.

“The act of having sex begins with someone saying, I want to,” Violet Blue says. “You have to say, I want to, and this is what I want to do.”

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Chivalry Is Dead Except When It’s Done Right

August 5, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

59c21fd7f15d44fe992b4aa99b5f890d Chivalry Is Dead Except When It’s Done Right

(Phatforums News/ The Stir) – A few weeks ago I was at a coffee shop on a date. I got up to get a straw for my meal-in-a-cup-coffee-drink when my date scolded me for acting of my own accord. “My lady doesn’t get a straw,” he told me. “I get it for her.” Being ever so capable, I was turned off.

Two weeks ago, I was on a different date. As we approached the Italian restaurant, I mentioned how much I loved eggplant parmigiana. I even said I hoped it was on the menu. It wasn’t on the menu, but my date was persistent and persuaded the chef to make me my own special dish. He said that “the lady deserves what she wants.” I was slightly embarrassed, but felt like a queen. I ate my eggplant and enjoyed every bite.

I know, it doesn’t compute. I found the latter situation sweet, while the former left me sour. It all depends on the guy, his attitude and my emotions. The sad truth is, chivalry is a mixed bag baby.

When gender studies professor Hugo Schwyzer wrote about the contradictions around chivalry, I got to thinking about how tough it really is to be a guy. I brought this up last night to my friend, and sex therapist, Hernando Chaves. He agreed, and said he assesses his chivalry on a date-by-date basis.

When it comes to chivalry, it’s like choosing between an Almond Joy and a Mounds. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. Back in the day, I was a do-it-myself kind of girl. Split the bill, or pay if I asked a man out. Walk him to his car. Now I like when he pays the check at a restaurant, or at least when he offers. And I’m less inclined to give him a second chance if he doesn’t walk me to the car or hold the door for me.

Maybe it’s an age thing, but there’s something about being treated like a lady that I like, and that something is being treated like a lady. For example, I’m more attracted to a man who knows that men walk closer to the street and women walk on the inside. It doesn’t matter the reason (back in the day, a horse and buggy could really make a mess), what matters most is that he does it. There’s something honorable about him knowing and doing. Enough said.

Sometimes a guy doesn’t want to act like a guy because then he’s perceived to be too much man, but sometimes too much of a man is exactly what I want. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving in to the roles we feel comfortable in. It feels like a relief to let men be men, when men want to be men. And I enjoy being a woman when I want to be a woman. But not when it comes to getting my own straw.

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Marriage Makeover: ‘We Never Have Sex!’

May 15, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

cf1d57c39d0a4d6d2e58fa7c91095a24 Marriage Makeover: We Never Have Sex!

(Phatforums Blog/ Redbook) – After eight years of marriage, Joy and Greg Stoiber, both 39, have fallen into a comfortable routine raising their four kids: Jordan, 8, twins Jacqueline and Jessica, 6, and Jennifer, 4. But this Clayton, OH, couple says there’s one pattern they’d definitely like to change: their dormant sex life.

Since the birth of their twins, the two are having sex only four times a year. Part of the reason is their hectic schedules — Greg is a systems engineer, while Joy stays home to care for the kids and also works as an independent kitchen-design consultant and a nursing assistant.

But the primary obstacle is Joy’s lack of interest. “If you ask my husband to describe our relationship, he’ll say it’s platonic,” says Joy. “I feel bad about it, but I just don’t enjoy sex.” Joy’s history goes a long way toward explaining this: She was molested as a child and is still dealing with the ramifications. “Before Greg, I only had sex as a way to keep a guy around,” she says. “Greg takes care of me and makes me feel good and comfortable, and I’m afraid if I don’t have sex with him more often, he’ll ultimately leave me.”

An affair is the last thing Joy has to worry about, says Greg. And while he admits that he’d like to have sex more often, what he’s most worried about is how emotionally cut off from Joy he feels these days. “Joy is my best friend,” says Greg. “When I go on business trips, I call her 50 million times. I love her more than anything and I would love to have sex every couple of weeks. But Joy is very withdrawn sexually — she doesn’t let herself go and enjoy lovemaking. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I think if she would open up, our relationship would be better.”

To get their sex life on track, Joy and Greg need to make a plan to have sex, says REDBOOK Love Network expert Laura Berman, Ph.D., a sex therapist and author of The Passion Prescription.

Even if it feels awkward or frustrating because it’s not spontaneous, scheduling sex might make it something they look forward to. “Joy has a hard time responding to sex because she was molested, and, chances are, every time she has sex, those bad memories come flooding back,” Berman says. So Joy and Greg must start prioritizing each other and rebuilding intimacy and trust — both sexual and emotional. At the same time, with Greg’s support, Joy needs to heal the wounds from her past that are preventing both of them from enjoying the rich sexual connection that will make their loving marriage even stronger.

Joy and Greg Stoiber

Conflict Flashpoint: Too busy to kiss

Like most moms, Joy is tired. With four kids under 9, she hardly ever has a moment to herself. “By the time Greg gets off work, I’m exhausted and don’t want to take care of anyone else,” says Joy. “I’m very lucky that Greg doesn’t complain. I sometimes miss holding him, but I’m always worried that I have to give in and have sex even if I just want to cuddle. We rarely hold hands or even kiss each other anymore.”

Feeling rundown from his job and raising the kids — and discouraged by Joy’s rejection — Greg, too, has pretty much given up trying to be affectionate. “Still, sometimes I’ll try to make a move, and it doesn’t matter if I take my time and touch Joy,” he says. “She thinks I’m groping her and says it’s annoying.”

The Expert’s Advice: Build up to intimacy — slowly

Since sex has become so loaded for Joy and Greg, the two have to reclaim their sexuality in a new way. “If Joy holds Greg’s hand, she’s afraid he’ll think she is initiating something sexual, so she avoids that,” Berman says. “So they don’t even have the nonsexual, emotional intimacy that’s so important for every couple.” To get their sex life back, Joy and Greg need to spend two weeks without any pressure to have sex. “Greg and Joy have performance anxiety, which makes them feel awkward, unsafe, and pressured. Sometimes there’s this unspoken expectation that you’re supposed to have sex just because you think the other person wants it,” says Berman. “If you take sex off the table for a while, you can begin to reconnect emotionally with each other without any pressure to perform.”

Since Joy is so cut off from sexual desire, it’s probably uncomfortable for her to be touched and stay present and connected to Greg. Berman suggests an exercise that will help them rediscover each other. Joy and Greg should each spend time touching each other’s naked body in a sensual and loving way. “The goal isn’t to turn each other on. Instead, Joy and Greg should focus on communicating love, empathy, and warmth to each other through touch. The idea is to experience what it’s like to be touched, and each of them should try to be present, to notice what feels good.”

Conflict Flashpoint: Losing touch with being a couple first, parents second

The other thing that’s keeping Joy and Greg from feeling satisfied in their marriage is that they feel like it’s impossible to re-create the early carefree years of their relationship. “When we were a young married couple, we spent a lot of time together playing softball, going out with friends, and heading to happy hours on Friday nights,” Greg says. “Now we have to call a month in advance to find a babysitter and it costs an arm and a leg. The biggest thing we do is go to the mall with the kids on Sundays.” Meanwhile, Joy is also concerned that, should they have time alone, they won’t have much to talk about besides the kids. “I get frightened when we’re alone together, and worry that we will run out of things to talk about because we are too busy taking care of the kids,” she says.

The Expert’s Advice: Relax a little to reconnect

There’s never been a more important time for Joy to find some downtime, Berman says, so Greg will have to pick up some slack. “Greg needs to take as much off Joy’s plate as possible with the house and kids so she has time to decompress,” says Berman. “As Joy starts to recharge her batteries — by getting a pedicure or taking a bath, for example — she’ll have more energy for Greg and for sex. That downtime will help her to focus on her identity as a woman and to stop being a mom for a while,” she says. In addition, “Joy needs to do something that will help her to stop thinking, like meditation, yoga, or gardening,” says Berman. Likewise, Greg needs to find time to chill out during the day, such as during his lunch hour, so that he can be there for Joy when he comes home.

Finally, Joy and Greg need to simply spend some time together — alone. “They need to sit down, have a glass of wine, and hang out,” Berman suggests. They can try activities that allow them to interact together but don’t require a babysitter, like playing a board game while the kids are doing their homework or are asleep. The two should talk, share, and discuss things besides the kids and the mortgage — TV shows, celebrity antics, whatever. In addition, the couple could benefit from talking about what they love about each other. “They should think of three things they appreciate in the other and then share them,” says Berman. This will remind them that they’re not just coparents, and give them a renewed appreciation for why they fell in love in the first place.

Joy and Greg Stoiber

Conflict Flashpoint: Fear of abandonment

Joy knows that Greg loves her and is committed to the marriage. Still, she says, “I feel like I’m always waiting for Greg to walk out the door or demand a divorce if we don’t have sex. I’ve been abandoned so much in my life that I feel like once someone really gets to know me, they’re going to leave me.” This fear not only keeps Joy up at night, but also prevents her from getting close — both emotionally and physically — to Greg. “I guess I’m so afraid that he’s going to leave me that I keep preparing myself for it by withdrawing and freezing him out,” she says.

Greg does his best to reassure Joy that he’s not going to abandon her, but nothing seems to help, he says. And her physical and emotional withdrawal does sting. “I feel like I’ve done something wrong,” he says. “It’s like she is thinking about something but is not sharing. It can make me feel unwanted at times.”

The Expert’s Advice: Build a new trust together

To build a solid future together, Joy and Greg must resolve what happened in Joy’s past. “Joy has experienced a lot of betrayal,” says Berman. “She was molested — and her parents apparently didn’t protect her from it. As a result, Joy feels she has to anticipate the worst from life and protect herself from being hurt again.”

To help Joy feel safe in the marriage, Greg needs to do more than just reassure her that he won’t leave. “Anything Greg can do or say to reflect his investment in the relationship and his love for Joy will be meaningful,” Berman notes. For example, Greg should seek her out to give her affection when he comes home from work, even if she’s busy with the kids or cooking dinner. “Little gestures like that will help her feel that he’s tuned in to her,” says Berman.

Unfortunately, Joy’s fears of abandonment block effective communication: She and Greg rarely argue, and potentially productive arguments get cut short because the minute Greg becomes upset with Joy, she gets scared that he’ll leave her and shuts down. Greg should make a point of standing up for himself and reassuring her by saying, “Even though I’m angry with you right now, I’m not going to leave you, but I have to talk to you about our disagreement.”

Berman also says it’s crucial that Joy seek therapy to help her work through the trauma from her childhood molestation. (She should also check with her doctor about her hormone levels, which can affect energy and libido.) “Research on women with a history of sexual abuse shows that many feel anxiety, fear, and anger when their partner approaches them to have sex,” says Berman. “They often project that forceful abuser persona from their past onto their current partner, even though he doesn’t deserve it.” By working through those feelings, Joy can become more comfortable taking risks — whether it’s trusting a new friend or letting herself enjoy sex with the man she loves.

The Couple’s Reaction

Joy: “Greg made me a romantic dinner and told me afterward that he will never leave me. After he spoke to Dr. Berman, he’s become more verbal about allaying my fears. He’s really started taking it seriously that I need to hear him say that he won’t leave me. I still find myself trying to keep him at bay, but I feel safer that he,s letting me know. He also has stopped groping me as much as he did. He says he’s trying to respect my space and feelings. We did the touching exercise and I was quite uncomfortable for the first five minutes, but when I remembered that we weren’t going to have sex, it became easier. But I think what worked the best for me was the reassurance Greg gave me. In his little gestures of making me dinner, buying me flowers, and telling me that he is here for me, I really do feel safer.

“I know I have a long way to go, but Dr. Berman really helped us. I’m also trying to find a therapist who can help me work through these sexual problems. Things are finally looking up.”

Greg: “I tried some of the touching exercises with Joy and it seemed to relax her. We’re going to keep trying to do the exercises, but it’s still tough with four kids. I also made different dinners she liked for a week and let her know that I would not be putting in that effort if I were going to leave her. I have tried to let Joy know that I am not going anywhere, which has made her a little more relaxed with our relationship. I think just the knowledge of what we need to work on has helped. We need dedicated time to try things, and that’s sometimes hard to find, but we’re getting there.”

Update from Greg and Joy: Several Months Later

“Things in our household are much better!!! I so much appreciate Dr. Berman noticing my symptoms of possible hormone imbalance — the progesterone really helped. The ob/gyn that I had been going to told me that I had PCOS and to lose weight, and put me on birth control pills. But I knew that was not what I had, but I couldn’t get anyone to listen. I am so thankful that she did, because I would have been living like that forever. Her advice not only helped me, but also my friends who were having the same feelings. They are now going to get checked for hormone levels. In regards to the touching advice, we have been working on that, and the tenseness I feel has decreased and I am feeling more relaxed. I cannot tell you what a blessing this all has been.” —Joy

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Prescriptions for Sexual Frustration

April 16, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

d0ad1cc72d39b6784154577509158294 Prescriptions for Sexual Frustration

(Phatforums Blog/ WebMD) – You want it more, she wants it less — or vice versa. Sexual frustration affects almost every couple. So how do you get past it?

Forget the penis for a moment, and the vagina and clitoris, too. Even when the genitals are working the way they’re supposed to, with or without medical help, sexual satisfaction can still be difficult to achieve.

“Each person’s sexuality is as individual to them as a fingerprint,” Blue tells WebMD.
What causes sexual frustration?

And it isn’t only an issue between men and women. “These kinds of things show up in same-sex relationships just as much,” says sex therapist Louanne Cole Weston, PhD.

There’s a fair amount of negative speculation regarding men with lower sex drives, too. If he lacks interest, Weston, says, she may wonder if he’s secretly gay or has another lover on the side.

So how often does the average couple have sex? What is normal?

Violet Blue says she routinely hears about three things that would really make someone’s day but their partner says, “No way”: anal sex, swallowing after fellatio, and arranging a threesome.

“They think they know what the other person is thinking and wants to do,” Paget says. “Invariably they’re not accurate.”
Setting the scene

You don’t have to go so far as to pencil it into your calendar, but at least make sure your partner knows when you are available.

“The act of having sex begins with someone saying, I want to,” Violet Blue says. “You have to say, I want to, and this is what I want to do.”

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Why Men Like Porn

April 13, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

(Phatforums Blog/ WebMD) – As it turns out, men are pretty much hard-wired to like watching — or reading about — other people having sex. Here’s why they do it — and why it’s probably ok.

Most nights, after his wife, Kate, had gone to bed, Tom surfed the Internet for porn. Kate learned about this during their second session of couples therapy. Despite Tom’s claims that his nocturnal habit had nothing to do with their love life, she worried he preferred porn to having sex with her.

That’s a common reaction. “Often, one partner has a porn interest, and the other thinks that’s a problem,” says Russell Stambaugh, PhD, an Ann Arbor, Michigan-based psychologist and sex therapist. “It rarely is. The best studies suggest that only about 5% of porn users have a problem that interferes with their daily life.”

That’s good news, because a lot of people look at porn. According to the May 2004 Tracking Survey by the Pew Internet & American Life Project, 26% of male Internet users visited adult websites (only 3% of women went to these sites). In 2006, the porn industry raked in nearly 13 billion dollars.
Men and Pornography: The Evolutionary Link

For most women, there’s no need to worry. Whatever may be drawing a man to porn, it’s seldom a reflection on his partner, says sex therapist Lonnie Barbach, PhD, in practice in San Francisco. “Some women feel threatened because they don’t think they’re as sexy as a porn star,” she says. “But it’s not about what he’s not getting at home. It’s the novelty. It’s a turn-on.”

Still, the question remains: Why do so many men like looking at pictures of naked people? That’s not an easy question to answer. Porn-induced arousal has been linked to many parts of the brain. One recent theory holds that mirror neurons, brain cells that fire when an action is performed as well as when it’s observed, play an important role in male arousal. But knowing what’s fired up by porn doesn’t tell us why our brains get turned on.

Stambaugh points to evolution. Men’s brains, he says, are hard-wired for easy arousal, so that men are ready for sex whenever opportunity knocks — a propagation-of-the-species thing. With online porn so readily at hand, vicarious opportunities — cue the mirror neurons — are ever present.

Once Kate realized that porn was not her replacement and Tom felt less ashamed about his habit, the couple talked more easily about their sex life. And that led to sexy outfits and a little experimentation in the bedroom. The porn was never the problem, Stambaugh says. “More often, the problem is how you talk and how you reveal yourself to each other.”
Exploring Pornography

Thinking you might be interested in seeing what porn is like? Follow these guidelines to make it a positive part of your relationship.

Ladies’ choice. Couples who want to try viewing porn together face a huge variety of choices. Men are easy to please, so it’s best to find out what she likes. If she likes it, it’s probably good enough for him.

Safety first. Unsafe sex is common in porn. It shouldn’t be in your bedroom.

Time and money. If you’re spending too much of either on porn, it often reflects a larger problem, like marital difficulties or a job loss.

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Recharging Your Love Life

March 25, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

ebb9aa6017b22fe2eb834e86a4b931fb Recharging Your Love Life

(Phatforums Blog/ WebMD) – He’s feeling amorous. But after a day of work, chauffeuring the kids, cooking, and doing the laundry, you are way too tired to even think about sex. Four days later, you are rested and in the mood; but he’s so stressed about the plummeting stock market, he just wants to grab a beer and go to sleep.

You used to be so sexually compatible. Is the honeymoon really, finally, over?

Relax. Relationship experts say your problem is just a simple case of “desire discrepancy.” It’s common – but if ignored, it can wreak havoc on your love life.

“Desire discrepancy,” says psychoanalyst Gail Saltz, MD, “is probably the most frequent complaint that you hear and it goes both ways. Saltz is an associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine in New York City and the author of several books including a new one on women and sexuality. “More often, the man wants more sex than the woman. But sometimes, it’s the other way around, and women may feel embarrassed about it.”

Los Angeles based sex therapist Ava Cadell, PhD, EdD, agrees. “Mismatched sex drive is the number one problem that I see couples for,” says Cadell, the author of a number of books including 12 Steps to Everlasting Love.

The good news: There is something you can do! Indeed, you and your partner can take steps to re-sync your sex drives, restore sexual compatibility, and rev up your libido. With a few steps, you can get your relationship back to where it used to be.

And doing so can be as easy as 1 (analyze), 2 (compromise), and 3 (energize)!
Step 1: Analyze your love life

The first step to restoring sexual compatibility is to figure out what’s going on — or not going on — in the bedroom and why.

Experts recommend delving into your love life to see if there is a reason one of you doesn’t feel like making love. “Is it hormonal? Is it stress?” asks Cadell. “Is it because you are really angry with your partner and don’t want to make love?” Resentment, she says, is the number one reason that sex drives in relationships get off kilter. But in the long run, you are much better off telling your partner why you are angry rather than putting him off in the bedroom. “Communication,” Cadell says, “is the key.”

But resentment is not the only reason that your sex life may be taking a dive, says Saltz. If you used to really enjoy making love but now it’s the last thing on your mind, you need to rule out medications and/or medical conditions that could be causing the change. See your doctor, Saltz recommends, for an exam and any tests she thinks necessary to make sure all systems are go. If it turns out there is a problem, then getting treatment can easily put the sizzle back in your love life.

Step 2: Compromise for sexual compatibility

The next step is to recognize that sometimes partners have to meet each other halfway — even in the bedroom.

“You have to acknowledge there is a sexual compatibility issue in your relationship and one or both of you may have to compromise,” Saltz says.

But that should not require either partner to be demanding, says Cadell. And neither partner should feel the other is being “greedy.”

Even if you are not in the mood, give it a whirl, says Saltz. “Usually after you get started, you can become aroused.” Compromise is not difficult, she says, if each partner is willing to do a little more to please the other.

“I think it’s the one with the lesser interest in sex who has the responsibility to satisfy the one with the greater interest,” says Pepper Schwartz, PhD. Schwartz is a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle. He is also the author of several books including Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.
Step 3: Energize your love life

For many couples, the final step in synchronizing sexual compatibility is to go back to the way things were when you were newly in love. One great way to do that, say experts, is to “date your mate,” putting aside a special time of the week — or month — when sex becomes your top priority. You might even take turns initiating or deciding what to do; that way if she wants a bubble bath and massage while he wants rough and tumble sex, both get their needs met.

And, experts say, don’t be shy about telling your partner other ways they can turn you on if, for some reason, intercourse is not an option. “Asking your partner to pleasure you as a replacement for intercourse is OK from time to time,” says Saltz.

Moreover, experts say that “shaking things up a bit” — making love in unusual places or at different times of day — can also help energize your love life. “Changing it up by doing it someplace new makes it more exciting and stirs sex drive in the partner whose libido may be lacking,” Saltz says. This is a win-win, she says. “For the person who wants more sex, doing something new is exciting and satiating.”

Schwartz agrees: “Sometimes couples with desire discrepancy just need more excitement.”

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10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

March 24, 2011 By Admin Leave a Comment

e89e39eeb32833ccfaf9993edbed7b45 10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

(Phatforums Blog/ WebMD) – When you’re in the mood, it’s a sure bet that the last thing on your mind is boosting your immune system or maintaining a healthy weight. Yet good sex offers those health benefits and more.

That’s a surprise to many people, says Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York psychologist and sex therapist. “Of course, sex is everywhere in the media,” she says. “But the idea that we are vital, sexual creatures is still looked at in some cases with disgust or in other cases a bit of embarrassment. So to really take a look at how our sexuality adds to our life and enhances our life and our health, both physical and psychological, is eye-opening for many people.”

Sex does a body good in a number of ways, according to Davidson and other experts. The benefits aren’t just anecdotal or hearsay — each of these 10 health benefits of sex is backed by scientific scrutiny.

Among the benefits of healthy loving in a relationship:

1. Sex Relieves Stress

A big health benefit of sex is lower blood pressure and overall stress reduction, according to researchers from Scotland who reported their findings in the journal Biological Psychology. They studied 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. Then the researchers subjected them to stressful situations — such as speaking in public and doing verbal arithmetic — and noted their blood pressure response to stress.

Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.

Another study published in the same journal found that frequent intercourse was associated with lower diastolic blood pressure in cohabiting participants. Yet other research found a link between partner hugs and lower blood pressure in women.
2. Sex Boosts Immunity

Good sexual health may mean better physical health. Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections. Scientists at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pa., took samples of saliva, which contain IgA, from 112 college students who reported the frequency of sex they had.

Those in the “frequent” group — once or twice a week — had higher levels of IgA than those in the other three groups — who reported being abstinent, having sex less than once a week, or having it very often, three or more times weekly.
3. Sex Burns Calories

Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.

“Sex is a great mode of exercise,” says Patti Britton, PhD, a Los Angeles sexologist and president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators and Therapists. It takes work, from both a physical and psychological perspective, to do it well, she says.

4. Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health

While some older folks may worry that the efforts expended during sex could cause a stroke, that’s not so, according to researchers from England. In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, scientists found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke in the 914 men they followed for 20 years.

And the heart health benefits of sex don’t end there. The researchers also found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.
5. Sex Boosts Self-Esteem

Boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons people have sex, collected by University of Texas researchers and published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

That finding makes sense to Gina Ogden, PhD, a sex therapist and marriage and family therapist in Cambridge, Mass., although she finds that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better. “One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves,” she tells WebMD. “Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it.”
6. Sex Improves Intimacy

Having sex and orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps us bond and build trust. Researchers from the University of Pittsburgh and the University of North Carolina evaluated 59 premenopausal women before and after warm contact with their husbands and partners ending with hugs. They found that the more contact, the higher the oxytocin levels.

“Oxytocin allows us to feel the urge to nurture and to bond,” Britton says.

Higher oxytocin has also been linked with a feeling of generosity. So if you’re feeling suddenly more generous toward your partner than usual, credit the love hormone.
7. Sex Reduces Pain

As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines. So if your headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms seem to improve after sex, you can thank those higher oxytocin levels.

In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, 48 volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked lowered their pain threshold by more than half.
8. Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk

Frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life, Australian researchers reported in the British Journal of Urology International. When they followed men diagnosed with prostate cancer and those without, they found no association of prostate cancer with the number of sexual partners as the men reached their 30s, 40s, and 50s.

But they found men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.

Another study, reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association, found that frequent ejaculations, 21 or more a month, were linked to lower prostate cancer risk in older men, as well, compared with less frequent ejaculations of four to seven monthly.

9. Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles

For women, doing a few pelvic floor muscle exercises known as Kegels during sex offers a couple of benefits. You will enjoy more pleasure, and you’ll also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.

To do a basic Kegel exercise, tighten the muscles of your pelvic floor, as if you’re trying to stop the flow of urine. Count to three, then release.

10. Sex Helps You Sleep Better

The oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep, according to research.

And getting enough sleep has been linked with a host of other good things, such as maintaining a healthy weight and blood pressure. Something to think about, especially if you’ve been wondering why your guy can be active one minute and snoring the next.

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