May 23, 2013

Posts Comments

You are here: Home / Archives for Relationships

5 Times Getting Back With Your Ex Is a Good Idea

May 20, 2013 By Leave a Comment

9c056f89aeefdb35b6c3a11004600138 5 Times Getting Back With Your Ex Is a Good Idea

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — Maybe we wish there was one, but there is no giant book that governs the way that we should act in a . We’ve all been there: when things go sour and a breakup happens, it feels like your world is crumbling. With time you heal, you move forward, you meet other people. The ? Getting over an ex isn’t easy. And sometimes, you don’t have to.

I know, I know, getting back together with an ex has all sorts of nasty . So many questions pop up: If it didn’t work out before, why will this be any different? Why now? The reality? Not all end because one person deliberately hurt the other. Not all end in tears.

Thus I present you with 5 times getting back together with an ex is a good idea. Seriously.

1. The old issues are gone: Certain problems, like problems and issues that carry on from youth, aren’t easy to overcome. However, if something like a problem at the office was putting intense pressure on your and that is now a non-issue, this could allow you both to refocus in on the important stuff, AKA the both of you.

2. You’ve forgiven him: Maybe he cheated (horrible). Maybe he moved on too quickly after you broke up (ouch). Maybe he just didn’t give you the kind of attention you deserved because he wasn’t OK with the kind of person he was. If you can find it in your to TRULY move on, then you can try again. If not, there’s just no point.

3. You feel a void for their specific : When you’re in an , it’s easy to consider that person your for that period of time. When that person leaves your life, it’s easy to feel something missing. The catch? When you try to fill that spot with someone else and it’s just not the same. There’s a high price to be put on being on the same mental level as someone else.

4. You TRULY could see yourself marrying him: Since the two of you have parted ways, you’ve compared every single man to this one guy. Not just their things like professions or their likes or dislikes — but your potential future involving him. At the end of the day, if you really think this man could be the one, then you owe it to yourself to go for round 2.

5. It’s the best sex you’ve ever had: OK, let me confirm that this is not THE reason to get back with someone. Sexual chemistry is different between every two people. But sometimes you just click the right way with someone, and that’s something you can NOT deny.

Share|

Related Links:

  • No Related Links
Filed Under: Featured, Interests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Types Of Fights Men Fear

May 13, 2013 By Leave a Comment

87d1e9bbbb99df8a2ec0cb286b9a4b27 The Types Of Fights Men Fear

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) — The only fights guys really like are those that take place on or Pay-Per-View. But guys don’t particularly like fights when they happen in .

We shy away from confrontation for several reasons: first, men win rarely win arguments with women.

Second, we don’t have that much we want to argue about. For the vast majority of guys, fighting is , and quite possibly a violation of local noise ordinances.

We may have a few little things to quibble about (Where in the world did you put my white t-shirt?), but for the most part, we’ll do anything to avoid , especially these types of :

The “” Fight

You look at it too much. Does that thing always have to be on? You work way too much! You’re right, you’re right, and you’re right. When a man’s work is pitted against his relationship for time and attention, he can feel utterly conflicted.

feel an intense pressure to succeed, to be the one who’s counted on, to be hardwired into whatever’s happening, even if it’s not much. And when you tell him that he should feel that way about you rather than the job, he .

That’s because he’d rather make a choice between right and wrong than the choice you’re asking him to make: The choice between two things that are both important, but vastly different.

The “Ex” Fight

You want to know what she’s like, what she does, why your man was into her, and why they broke up. Him? He wants to stay as tight-lipped as the CIA.

Which only fuels the – she must’ve been great, she must’ve broken up with him, she must’ve been the of his life. The truth may be none of those things, but he wants to reveal as little as possible because there’s no upside.

If he recalls any positives about her, he’s afraid you’ll compare, and think poorly of yourself. If he says nasty things about his ex, he loses : you’ll think badly of him for unchivalrous behavior, and wonder why he was with such a no-good girlfriend in the first place.

The “Finale” Fight

When a break-up is inevitable, a guy doesn’t want to go out with shouts, insults, crying, and random appliance tossing. Even though this relationship may have not worked out entirely the way either of you had pictured, he doesn’t want it to end badly.

Why? Because there’s a big part of him that cares very much about his rep; he doesn’t want to be perceived as a bad guy, or a mean one, or some jerk who deserves to be hit by the cross-town bus next time he crosses the street.

Even if he wants an ending, he doesn’t want it to be a bad one – which is why many breakup-minded men try to make a soft landing back in the singles world: Slowly, gently, and perhaps unfairly as well.

The “Wedding” Fight

Not the wedding fight, as in whether or not to have one. But fights, as in plural, the kind that happen between the first ring he puts on your finger, and the second. He knows you want him involved in all the decisions big (who to invite) and small (what style napkins). He knows that “It’s up to you” is usually one of the “Five Things You Should Never Say to a Woman,” as this article artfully instructs (hint: make sure he reads and heeds it!).

But in this case, his acquiescence isn’t because he’s uninterested; it’s because he respects that this is your (and possibly your mother’s) big day, so enjoy it, do what you want, and don’t get mad because he won’t tell you if he prefers the butter cream icing or the marzipan.

Share|

Related Links:

  • No Related Links
Filed Under: Featured, Interests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

6 Tips For Dating With Depression

May 7, 2013 By Leave a Comment

dd5403c176238c4ca674483bf3faf087 6 Tips For Dating With Depression

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) –— is a common illness that most of us will deal with at some point in our lives. About 19 million Americans suffer from and do not undergo any treatment for the condition. This can pose a problem for many areas of life — especially . But doesn’t have to be a in dating.

One thing to remember about dating is that all people have some kind of baggage they bring along for the ride. So don’t be too hard on yourself. If the person and the are right for you, the difficulties encountered can be overcome. These 6 simple tips can help make dating a bit easier.

Don’t tell on the

You don’t owe it to the person to discuss your depression on a first date. If things become more serious, however, you should tell your potential partner. A might be when you decide to see each other exclusively or when you just feel that you care more deeply about each other. There are always individual differences. Something may come up in a conversation where it would feel like a natural time or that it would be dishonest not to. You might choose that time to share that you have depression.

How to talk about it

When you feel the time is right, talk about it with this three part “script.” First, tell your partner that they are important to you, enough so that you have something about yourself to share with them. Second, don’t just blurt out “I’m depressed.” Instead, preface it by telling them that there’s something you’ve struggled with that’s a fairly common problem, and let them know you have been diagnosed with depression and that you’re taking care of yourself by seeking treatment. And finally, emphasize again that you care about the person and the relationship. This message is as important as telling her that you have depression.

Accept assistance

In addition to surrounding yourself with the support of , it’s important to let potential partners know how they can help you. For example, if you exercise regularly to help lift your mood, ask your partner to join you. If they will support you in your endeavors, they could be a real keeper. Telling them about the challenges you face or going to counseling can also be helpful. Just talking about your relationship and how depression may impact it lets a person know you want him or her to be a part of your life.

Be patient

If your potential partner asks questions or offers advice, recognize the good intent behind the words—even if they aren’t that helpful. For example, men often feel that it’s their to make their partner happy. Understand his desire to help, but let him know you can’t always put on a happy face. Some women, on the other hand, expect men to take the initiative to plan dates or activities. This can be hard to do when you are depressed and you have little energy. Let her know you want to be with her, but you may have to keep things low-key.

Low libido

Depression, and some antidepressants, can cause you to lose interest in sex. If you are having libido problems that are medication related, talk to your doctor about alternatives that might be less likely to dampen your sex drive. You can also let your partner know that you care in other ways. If you don’t feel like having sex, let the person know you still find him or her attractive by cuddling or being affectionate.

Online dating

Millions of people turn to the Internet to find romantic partners, but that doesn’t mean it’s not difficult. It is easy to get discouraged when dating online. It takes skill to know how to navigate online dating to find someone special. There are sites geared specifically for those with mental illness. These types of sites can be a good place to go to, but consider mainstream dating sites as well. Don’t give up after meeting just one or two people. Discuss the process with friends and family; having a good support system can help.

Share|

Related Links:

  • No Related Links
Filed Under: Featured, Living Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Who’s Happier: Single People Or Married People?

May 6, 2013 By Leave a Comment

ab8740061f5df0fa1d555d8a62c72e74 Who’s Happier: Single People Or Married People?

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) –– More and more studies show that many people, regardless of race and/or gender, are getting married later in life. And by now, we’ve all heard the about a staggering majority of African American women never marrying at all.

Singledom. It is what is is. But does being single mean that you’re at a disadvantage, inclined to by miserable and unhealthy for the rest of your life? There are many myths (some of them down right insulting) about the quality of life for single people – but thankfully, the paint a much brighter, happier picture!

Singles Aren’t As Happy As Married People

Many people, even , sometimes think of single people as being sad, even miserable. But actually, on the average, single people are almost always on the happier end of the scale, according to many major studies. Also, it’s a well known fact that getting married hardly changes someone’s overall happiness – yes, married people experience a great deal of happiness, especially in the beginning (the honeymoon effect), but then they go back to being as happy or as unhappy as they were when they were single. Furthermore, only some married people enjoy the honeymoon effect at all.

Single People Prefer To Be All Alone

Sometimes people believe that single people are “alone,” that they “don’t have anyone.” But this is a myth. Research shows that single people often have many people in their lives who are important to them. Often, they have a whole and , and they stay connected with them for . Perhaps this is because they have the time to forge many diverse — which married people often don’t.

Senior Women Live In Isolation (or with a village of )

Older women, in particular, are often painted as isolated spinsters, but in one study of 50 women who had always been single, 49 of them had close friends and usually they were in touch with those friends every single day. Sixteen of their friendships had lasted more than 40 years!

Single People Don’t Live As Long As Married People

In one of the longest-running studies of longevity, which began in 1921 with more than 1,000 11-year-olds, scientists have kept track of these people for as long as they lived. The people who lived the longest were…those who stayed single and those who married and stayed married. People who divorced, or who divorced and remarried, tended to have shorter lives. It was consistency, not marriage, that mattered, and the results were the same for men and women.

Single People Are More Selfish

Married people are supposedly the ones who reach out to other people and keep families and neighborhoods connected. That’s the story we hear, but it is not what’s really true. National surveys show that single people are more likely to visit, support, contact, and advise their siblings and parents than married, or even previously married people. Singles are also more likely to encourage, help, and socialize with their neighbors and friends, as well as participate in volunteer organizations.

Single People Are Wasteful

Any idea how much weddings cost these days? Even after that big event, it’s a popular idea that married people all save, practice being frugal, and are always there to help bail out friends and family who are in financial trouble. As opposed to the stereotypical spendthrift single, who indulge in daily shopping sprees and monthly luxurious vacations and refuse to help out anyone but themselves. Umm, no. Married people are no more generous than single people when it comes to giving financial help to family members. As for helping others out of financial jams, singles may be the ones to help out more. One study showed that men were much more financially generous to their friends when they were single than they were after they married. When married men divorced, they reverted to their more giving selves. If they remarried, then they went back to being less generous to their friends.

Single People Aren’t As Healthy As Married People

Think singletons live an unhealthy life of vice, partying up a storm and eating junk food rather than healthy home-cooked meals? That’s not what the research says. Typically, people who have always been single are very similar in their health to people who are currently married. There is, though, one exception where single people are actually healthier than attached types: married people are more overweight! Also, studies show that married men tend to be healthier because their wives are there to watch out for them and encourage them to make healthier lifestyle choices.

As for divorce, some research actually shows that people, particularly women, become healthier after they divorce!

So, the overall lesson should be clear – single or married, the most important thing is to strive to live a healthy and happy life, each and every day.

Share|

Related Links:

  • No Related Links
Filed Under: Featured, Interests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Should I Ask For A Divorce?

May 2, 2013 By Leave a Comment

27a0c89dd7476c1d310bf295ba9bf03a Should I Ask For A Divorce?

(PhatzRadio / BlackDoctor.org) — Not all last forever. For many different reasons, couples decide that the best, and healthiest, thing they can do is not be together.

But just because a breakup may be healthy doesn’t mean it’s pain-free.

Q: Dear ,

What advice can you help me offer to my best friend? She and her husband separated more than two years ago. A few months after he moved out, he began living with his on the other side of town. They share time with their daughter without much , and seem to have adjusted to being apart well enough, but when my girlfriend asks for a , he becomes angry and refuses to give her one. I don’t get it…

Confused Friend
Chicago, IL

A: Dear “Confused Friend,”

, especially a , can be an extremely difficult – and confusing – decision for most people, so don’t feel too badly that you don’t understand what’s going on with your girlfriend’s husband.

The is that he may not understand his feelings and actions either. While on the one hand it may seem that he has “moved on” with his life, beginning a new and being serious enough about his level of commitment to move in with the woman, he still may likely have a lot of unresolved feelings toward his wife and their . It may be that he is so conflicted by these feelings that he isn’t willing to completely let go of the and willingly give your girlfriend the divorce that she now desires.

Regardless of how conflicted your girlfriend’s husband might be, however, his marriage doesn’t mean enough to him to resist confusing things further by beginning a new relationship — before resolving his former one. His relationship also doesn’t seem to mean enough to him to , since he’s introduced his daughter to the fact that Daddy is involved with someone else (which means that, at least for now, Daddy is not interested in trying to work out things and remain a vested partner to Mommy).

My advice would be that your girlfriend stop asking for a divorce and take the initiative to file on her own. She doesn’t need his permission to get a divorce – two people being in agreement on the terms of a divorce would simply make for an easier transition.

Rather than your being too concerned about your girlfriend’s husband’s reasons for not wanting a divorce, perhaps you may want to step back and consider the possibility that since your girlfriend hasn’t filed for divorce on her own (since she probably knows that she can), she likely doesn’t want one either, at least just yet. While it may be hard for you to imagine (and equally confusing for her to accept), there may be a part of her that wants to remain married to her husband, and her reason for asking for a divorce is an attempt to have him “tinkle” or get off of the pot, for lack of a better phrase.

Many relationships are able to survive one or both partners being with other people during separation. It’s quite possible that your girlfriend may be one such woman who is willing to forgive, forget, and move on (for reasons that you may or may not be aware of).

The best thing that you can do for your friend is continue to be supportive, but not enabling, as she goes through what may be one of the most trying times in her life. Ending a relationship with someone who you thought that you’d be spending the rest of your life with is an extremely difficult, and at times, extremely painful thing to do. One moment you may be absolutely sure that you want it to be over, the next you might be willing to fight tooth and nail to hold on to it. If you haven’t yourself been through a divorce, it may be an experience that you can’t quite understand. If you have, then it may be equally difficult not to judge how she attempts to navigate hers based on your own personal experiences.

Another thought…if you haven’t suggested it to her already, you may want to recommend that she consider a session or two with a therapist, minister, or life coach, etc. who specializes in working with individuals and couples who are separated and/or going through divorce. It might be just what she needs to help her determine what she really wants to do with this chapter of her life.

I wish you both the absolute best.

Share|

Related Links:

  • No Related Links
Filed Under: Featured, Interests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What Does “I Need Space” Really Mean?

April 29, 2013 By Leave a Comment

cf2aa12ed2e76b4f8a553ac433fdaa13 What Does I Need Space Really Mean?

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) — Giving your spouse “space” is a very common topic in relationships today. Many husbands and and are on the receiving end of such a request from a significant other who says they need to “work out their ” or “time to sort things out.”

Most people who hear this request have an overwhelmingly . Very few feel that this is a great idea or something that they want to do. Most see “giving them space” as one of the more risky and painful options possible because there’s a real that the space is just the first step toward a divorce or break up. Many worry that if they give their significant other a taste of what the world would be like without them, they may decide that they really like it and have no interest in coming back.

Agree or Disagree?

So, your sweetie of several years says they need time away from you. Hurt, confused and upset, you immediately consult with your . You feel that if you agree, you’re basically saying “see ya!” to the . They second they’re out at a club, drunk with their friends, feeling lightened from the natural responsibilities that go along with mlost relationships, and they’ll the experience too much to come back to you.

But most of your says that you might as well give them the space they’re asking for, since to not allow it could be disastrous, too.

There’s no definitive answer here because any answer is really just a guess. Without letting the scenario play out, there is really no way to know what the person needing space will do once they’re significant other has made a decision that set things into motion.

But again, since this is a very common relationship request, have seen certain patterns play out that may help you better understand the situation:

A Request For Space Doesn’t Always Mean They Want The Relationship To End

It’s very understandable that this is going to be the greatest fear. After all, not many people would see a desire for separation as a good sign regarding the health or outcome of the relationship. But, while this can and certainly often does mean that the relationship is having some problems, it certainly doesn’t mean that the relationship is going to end.

Experts also firmly believe that not only to many people not have divorce or splitting up on their mind when they do ask for space, those they are contemplating breaking up end up realizing that they miss their significant other, or that the single life or the loneliness that space brought about was not as great as they thought it’d be.

This doesn’t happen in every case. And yes, sometimes you will have to encourage the process to play out exactly as you want it to, but it can be a real mistake to just assume that the person needing space really wants (and eventually is going to seek) a separation or divorce.

Refusing To Give Someone Space Can Be Riskier Than Allowing It

Say your significant other requests a relationship timeout, and you respond by saying this isn’t a good idea andy you refused to agree to it. Chances are, the person making the request wouldn’t just accept this with a shrug of their shoulders.

Most would be very frustrated, and would maybe even feel as if you’re trying to thwart their happiness. Some may feel that in order to remove the frustration from their lives, they have to remove you also. Meaning that, by refusing a timeout reques, you may encourage the very breakup that you wanted to avoid.

How To Avoid Making Things Worse When Someone Asks For Space

1st: Push for a compromise. The worst thing that you can do is to leave things open ended. Instead, you want to have as clear of an understanding as possible as to how things are going to work. You also want to make regular interaction a priority. Perhaps you could give them a lot more leeway (at least for a little while) without them needing to move out. Or maybe you could be the one to leave since you could easily control when you came back. Also, you could push for an agreement as to when they will come back and when the two of you will check in with and see one another.

2nd: Once the relationship timeout is in session, you should control your own behavior. Try to avoid appearing clingy, desperate or needy.

3rd: What about your needs in all this? Remember the person in the mirror? Although it should be clear that you value your relationship and ultimately want to save it,there’s nothing wrong with taking full advantage of the time apart to explore your own options and have some fun. Take time to do more of the things that you want to do, and focus more on you. Rememember that relationships are about two people, not one, and you may find that the time apart helps you to discover new insights about what makes you happy, how (and even if) the relationship is truly fulfilling your needs, and bring new ideas to the relationship table – and to your own life. Even if it’s not actually always the case, demonstrate that you are handling things in a positive way, and that you aren’t sitting at home, alone, pining away for the other person.

Regardless of how time apart plays out, always remember to never forget YOU in this process, and to try your hardest to do what’s necessary to keep yourself healthy. Things always have a way of working out the way they’re meant to work out.

Share|

Related Links:

  • No Related Links
Filed Under: Featured, Interests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How To Tell If They’re Relationship-Worthy

April 26, 2013 By Leave a Comment

195fe781a79dd1c83f820081b02e1111 How To Tell If They’re Relationship Worthy

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) — success is based on two individuals who are able to truly be themselves and celebrate whatever it is that makes their union special. But many people suffer from the inability to think outside of what their friends and family think and stand on their own feet – which makes it very difficult to build a healthy , since healthy, happy relationships are all about two healthy, happy people who are able to think and act for themselves.

Here are a few ways to tell if a person is more concerned with impressing you, or the rest of the world:

1. They’re fine socializing on their own

Can they go out by themselves? If you find that every movie, dinner, , office party or sporting event is all about how many friends they can throw into the mix, be warned — they definitely need relationship buffers so that they don’t have to focus too much attention on you…or themselves.

2. They their family, but they’re realistic about them, too

A person with a with their family is a plus, but make sure that they see things realistically. One of the keys to being a fully formed adult is to be able to balance the love for your family of origin with your own views on how you plan on doing things better for your own family. Are they open about some of their family’s flaws? Are they able to differentiate between the ways their family does things and the way they choose to do them? Watch their and interactions with their family for clues.

3. They’re willing to step outside of their social comfort zone

Are they open to trying things with you that may not necessarily be their thing? We all step into relationships with our basic profile of what we think is fun or interesting set in our minds. Test the a bit by suggesting a museum visit or wine-tasting date; offer the the chance to go to a great indie concert; invite the artist to accompany you to a major company event. Do they seem to challenge themselves by stepping out into the world, or do they hover in a safe zone of their own status quo? If they have diverse friends and interests, then they’re clearly up for taking chances, no matter what others may think, and willing to form their own, more informed opinion based on personal, real-world experiences.

4. They can make up their own mind

Are they able to make major life decisions without their buddies’ help? There are going to be a million times over the course of a relationship where you are going to need to know what they think. You need to be confident that they are giving you their genuine thoughts and opinions, not what his or her friends, family and next door neighbors think.

5. They welcome/crave new information

Are you ever surprised at what they think about a hot news topic or a great new television program? Do they ever sort of sway from the expected response when you discuss current events together? If so, great! This is a clear sign that they are willing to research and form their own views on the world — and that they are their own person.

6. He shows his more vulnerable side – even in public

Do you guys have your own magical relationship world? Are they willing to get sappy or silly with you in an effort to show interest or love for you? Then this is someone who is not afraid to let their softer self shine and be vulnerable around you, no matter what others may think. Their goal is to impress and enthrall you instead of worrying about violating any “code.”

7. They have a healthy work-life balance

We all want a partner that wants to move forward and succeed, but are they able to be yours while climbing the career ladder? Can they put work to the side to speak with you during the day or have an evening out with you after a hard day at the office? What you should be looking for is the well-rounded person, who values doing well in their career, but also knows that there is far more to living than being in the office late every night.

8. They know how to compromise

Do they give you time to state your case? Do they actually listen to you and treat what you said with weight and respect? Do they occasionally come over to your side of thinking? Can they respectfully stand firm on their views when you disagree? These are indicators of someone who is unafraid to be who they are, but clearly realizes that the whole world does not have to feel the same way they do.

9. They’re perfectly fine with being themselves

We’re all given a mental image of what the perfect partner or spouse must be — women and men both carry an internal image that defines what their role in relationships should be. But are they willing to be the person you need, or do they just seem to be going the “typical” route? For example: You ask your guy if, because of your busy workload, he can help cook and clean, but instead of agreeing to help, he makes it clear that it’s not really a man’s job to do housework. Or, you ask your woman to help you fix that leaky sink, and they just look at you as if you’ve lost your mind. Look for someone who is really willing to make sure that you both get the best out of your relationship.

Share|

Related Links:

  • No Related Links
Filed Under: Featured, Interests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Get a great relationship in just 6 seconds

April 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

ea3d7feb659d9a4c378f9eff4a7f8506 Get a great relationship in just 6 seconds

(PhatzNewsRoom / Match.com) — These scenarios that come along with a busy lifestyle are familiar to most of us: When your date arrives at your place while you’re in the middle of an important phone call, you for this person to come in and finally get around to greeting each other 10 minutes later, still feeling a bit frazzled from your conversation. Or maybe you just spent a great weekend together, but when it’s time to say goodbye, you realize that you’re running late for an appointment — so you rush out the door in a , barely kissing your date goodbye.

These rushed are as understandable as they are commonplace, but they inevitably take a toll on relationships, because these transitional moments often set the tone for both a couple’s time together and their time spent apart. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher and the author of What Makes Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid , asserts that our “rituals of connections are crucial,” because they serve not only to re-establish the connection with our partners, but also to protect our relationships from . “The parting and reunion [moments] turn out to be really important,” asserts Dr. Gottman. Attention spent on each other in transitional junctures communicates that “you’re important to me, and when you come back at the end of the day, it’s an event. You matter to me.”

How momentary transitions can safeguard your romance from betrayal
Being present for each other and asserting the importance of the relationship during these transitional moments is part of how couples establish what Dr. Gottman refers to as “attunement” — i.e., a deep level of understanding that couples both possess and lovingly express to each other. In his book, What Makes Love Last, Dr. Gottman asserts that this level of mutual attunement is a way for couples to inoculate themselves against falling down the slippery slope of negative thinking about their relationship that can ultimately lead to betrayal. “One of the other important things we discovered about betrayal was not only about turning away from one another, but it’s also about this negative comparison where one partner is saying in [his/her] mind, ‘Who needs this crap? I can do better,’” Dr. Gottman explains. “And that negative comparison gets people to start detaching from the relationship.”

Six seconds to a better relationship
The “six-second kiss” is one simple and fun activity that Dr. Gottman advocates couples incorporate into their everyday moments of transition. Described by him as “long enough to feel romantic,” the six-second kiss serves as a temporary oasis within a busy day and creates a deliberate break between the on-the- mentality (i.e., going to or from work) and a couple’s one-on-one time together. In fact, the six-second kiss makes up just a fraction of what Dr. Gottman has dubbed the “magic five hours,” which is the amount of extra time he’s found that the most successful, happiest couples began devoting to their relationships each week after completing his workshops together. Time spent intentionally focusing on their partners during “reunions” and “partings” also comprise an important component of the “magic five hours” that these couples invest into their relationships on a weekly basis.

Reunited, and it feels so good…
We’ve all heard the saying, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” The same could be said for the moment when you’re reunited with your date. Those first few moments set the tone for your time spent together — either positively or negatively. Greeting your sweetheart with affection communicates this person’s importance to you while reminding your partner of the good you share when you’re in each other’s company, and trigger reciprocal of his or her own.

A number of small gestures can be combined in order to ensure that your reunion goes well:

Make sure to set aside your phone and any other distractions first, and then give your partner your full attention as you exchange greetings.
Share a six-second kiss.
Say that you’re happy to see your partner again.

If you’re used to a more casual way of saying “hello” and “goodbye,” these seemingly simple gestures of affection might feel awkward at first, but letting your partner know that you’re happy to see him or her creates an important, positive transition between your time apart and the time you spend together.

In a long-term relationship, Dr. Gottman says that having a “stress-reducing conversation” is a great way to kick off a couple’s reunion time together. “The one thing research has discovered,” says Dr. Gottman, “is that if they take 15 minutes apiece to talk about what’s stressful about the day, and their partner is an ally in listening — without giving advice or problem-solving — that can be very important. You have to have a time when you really have your partner’s ears; it’s a time when you really can connect.”

How to make saying “goodbye” even sweeter
Setting a few minutes aside to properly say “goodbye” to each other can make a dramatic difference in a couple’s thoughts about the relationship during the time they spend apart. So before you zoom off into the world going different directions, take a minute to communicate how much you enjoyed your time together — and maybe touch base about when you’ll be getting together again in the near future. If you don’t have a plan for your next date, just establishing when you’ll be talking to each other next (“I’ll call you tomorrow”) can help a couple maintain their feelings of connection with each other.

You should also make a point of asking what’s ahead for your so you can provide the right kind of support later on. “One of the most important things to do in parting is to find out what your partner’s day is going to be like,” Dr. Gottman says. “Find out about anything that is important that’s going to happen to your partner that day. If she’s going to have lunch with a friend or he has a critical phone call or important meeting scheduled, know about that and what it means to her or him.”

And yes, before saying goodbye to your partner (for now, anyway), don’t forget to savor that six-second kiss!

Theo Pauline Nestor is the author of How to Sleep Alone in King-Size Bed: A Memoir of Starting Over and a regular contributor to Happen magazine.

Share|

Related Links:

  • No Related Links
Filed Under: Featured, Living Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Should You Break Up?

April 17, 2013 By Leave a Comment

74adcdf3216861c3112960e2035b052a Should You Break Up?

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) — A partner is meant to provide , support and help you to evolve as an individual and a couple. But when you find a relationship lacking, or as a and , it may be time consider other options.

After deep soul-searching, you may come to realize that for your own well-being you may need to step away from the relationship. Once you’ve admitted this to yourself you may be flooded by fear, , or . How do you know you’re doing the right thing? And what steps do you take to get there?

Here are nine tips to get out of a mediocre relationship and reclaim your life.

1. First and foremost, you have to be honest with yourself.

If you are even considering whether you should get out of a relationship, chances are something has been happening for to make you feel upset. Ask yourself some like:

Do I feel energized or drained after I spent an hour with my partner?
Do I want to spend time with him/her or do I feel like I have to?
Do I go to my partner looking for a response that I never get?
Do I come away consistently disappointed by his/her comments and behavior?
I giving way more to the relationship than my partner?

If most of the answers to these questions are ‘yes’, maybe it is time to look after your own emotional needs.

2. Clarify the problems by keeping a record.

If you are still undecided whether you should get out of this relationship, start keeping a record of things in this relationship that make you feel consistently bad. It could be that you are weak and scared of striking out on your own or a feeling of worthlessness and that you are suffering from. If you find your emotional log consistently featuring negative self-perception, then you can be pretty sure you are caught up in a bad relationship.

3. Figure out what’s keeping you there.

All relationships, even unhappy ones, offer certain perks or else why would anyone continue to put up with them. So consider that could be keeping you tied to your partner; it could be, for instance, the security you share even though there is no love or it could be that your partner make you feel attractive and sexy again even though this doesn’t keep him/her from disrespecting you or putting you down always. Determining what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship will help you to gauge if the perks are worth the constant unhappiness and perhaps help you find other sources of self-validation.

4. Assemble a support team.

Ending a relationship is one of the loneliest experiences and there is no reason why you should have to go through it alone. So as you start the, invest time and effort in building a close circle of who will provide you with emotional support as well as a positive outlook. Reach out to them and ask for help through these difficult times. Chances are that people close to you already know how unhappy you are in your present relationship. Don’t hesitate to surround yourself with people who really care about you.

5. Just do it.

Once you are emotionally ready to put an end the relationship, give it to them straight. Unless you fear for your physical safety, do it personally – breaking up by email, text or even over the phone should be avoided as far as possible. Just in case, prepare yourself for an emotional outburst or even emotional blackmail from your partner in an attempt to keep you back. Express yourself in a calm, precise manner and then allow him/her to respond. Hear whatever they have to say but don’t get trapped in accusations, counter-accusations and justifications. Keep in mind that you have made your decision and are here simply to let them know.

6. Allow yourself time to grieve.

Even if the move to get out of the relationship has come from you, it is sure to bring its share of pain. So allow yourself a few days to feel sad. Pull down the blinds, put on some soulful music and have a good cry. Do whatever is necessary to work the misery out of your system. But please avoid drinking binges, drug-taking or any other risk-taking behavior. Everything will be just fine.

7. Give yourself a treat.

Many a time it is difficult to leave an unhappy relationship – opting out seems too much effort and it is easier to lapse back into the way things were. In order to prevent this from happening, reward yourself with something nice after each stage of getting out. For instance if you have been able to go on a whole week without calling or mailing your recent ex, treat yourself to a brunch at your favorite restaurant.

8. Keep your schedule booked.

One of the best ways to leave behind an unhappy relationship is to stay busy. Even the otherwise mind-numbing routine of a domestic life – taking out the trash, shopping for supplies, filling up the gas tank – can motivate you to continue with your regular life and thus come out of your house, instead of giving way to loneliness and depression. Stay moving. Keep your head up.

9. Don’t go looking for a rebound.

Once out of an unhappy relationship, you may be eager to get back to dating scene. But remember, rebound affairs never work because you are just not emotionally ready for a new relationship. And even if you are not serious about it yourself, it’s not fair to the other person who may not be aware of your real . It’s best to make sure you healed before you get back out there. Take your time.

Share|

Related Links:

  • No Related Links
Filed Under: Featured, Interests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 Lame Excuses People Use to Stay in Bad Relationships

April 15, 2013 By Leave a Comment

3abaea6663e1aba8af9d8cd07a1f2253 10 Lame Excuses People Use to Stay in Bad Relationships

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — When you’re in a bad relationship and feel like it’s time to get out, you usually know it. Deep, deep down, you know it. You lie awake at night, wondering what it will take to make you get out. But then you come up with a bunch of excuses. And they’re usually pretty lame ones. I’m not talking about the BIG reasons, like you have a child together or can’t afford to live on your own with your kid. I’m talking those lamo excuses that you can keep going for years … but that when you finally get out, you’ll look back and can’t even remember what silly reasons you came up with for staying so long.

Here’s 10 people use to stay in bad .

. are always a great (read: lame) excuse to stay in a bad relationship. But it’s almost ’s . I can’t be alone on ’s Eve! But it’s almost my birthday. I want that new coat he promised me! But there’s hardly a month that goes by without some sort of holiday. I’ve seen people use this particular excuse for years.

Your single friends. All of them complain about being single so relentlessly that you figure it’s probably better to be in a bad relationship than to be single and complaining about guys you hardly know.

Your coupled friends. They, too, complain about their relationships. Hey, if everyone is complaining, then being in a bad relationship is normal, right? Wrong.

Your pet. While a child might be a genuine to breaking up, I’ve also seen people a bad relationship for years because neither could bear the thought of who would get the dog. C’mon, people, you can share custody of a dog pretty easily.

Sex. The rest of the relationship may be , but the sex is still pretty good, so you stick around for that.

The rent. So many people stay together so they can continue to split the rent and utilities. This is probably a somewhat better excuse than most, but I still say that a bad relationship can drain you to the point where your psyche is seriously going to suffer not only now but long into the future. Better to look into roommates.

Not a . Whether it’s a holiday or birthday or you just got laid off or his parents are sick or yours are or whatever else is going on, it’s just not a . In reality, life is always going be throwing something at you. Rare is the time when absolutely everything is going your way. There’s never a for a break-up.

He’s too nice. You know it’s all wrong and you don’t want to have a future with this person, but since he hasn’t done anything awful you feel like you don’t have the “right” to break up with him. If you’re not feeling it, and it’s not just because you have unrealistic expectations, then you have the right to break up with someone, even if he’s “nice.” If you don’t, you’re liable to start an affair just so you can get out. Better to go with some dignity.

There’s probably no one better out there. Maybe not. That’s not the point. The point is that you’re miserable. Better to be alone and content than coupled up and unhappy.

You don’t like . Oh, boy, this one could go on for eons. Get some cojones. It’s not fair to the other person to stay in a relationship you don’t want just because you don’t want to make anyone upset. You’ll make the person upset eventually because you’ll do something to sabotage the relationship and hope your partner decides to leave. Why not do it while you can still look your significant other in the eye and be kind but honest? He or she deserves that.

Share|

Related Links:

  • No Related Links
Filed Under: Featured, Interests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts