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7 Ways to Make the MOST of the Relationship You’ve Got

May 23, 2013 By Leave a Comment

5071264d6c863b34ae410bed6ccd1222 7 Ways to Make the MOST of the Relationship You’ve Got

(PhatzNewsRoom / HotAlphaFemale.com) — When you first meet someone you really like and this time the feeling is mutual – it can be a bit of a whirlwind. It’s easy to see all the things you like about them. It’s easy to spend time with them and for it be exciting, surprising, and fun. And, once things start to over to something a little more serious – sometimes the can lose it’s original sheen. You have your first argument. You start doing the things that you were doing before you got caught up in the romance. Things start to settle down a bit. So, what can you do to keep that alive, happy, and still exciting? How can you really make the MOST of the that you’ve got? Here are a few key tips (7 actually) that will help keep you on the right track.

1.Be authentic.

Ok, so it sounds so cliché BUT it’s really important, so I’m going to remind you anyways. Remember to stay true to yourself and your values. I could also say it like this: “You have a freak flag – so let it ”. Don’t try to be something that you are not. Don’t try and mould yourself into some fantasy version of a man that your wants. You may think, “If can change this one thing – then she will be happy”. But the problem with that is – you make one change and then she will want to change something else. And, then at the end of the day you won’t know who you are and she won’t know who you are either. Make sure that if you want to make more about yourself or in your life that you are in alignment with what you really value and not just because you “think” it will make the relationship better. When you stay true to yourself and what’s important to you – you have more to offer the relationship. Have the courage to stand up for what you believe in and when the opportunity arises choose the option that feels best for you and most true for you.

2.The most important relationship is with yourself.

**Newsflash** You make up one half of the relationship. Therefore, if you neglect yourself then you are also neglecting your relationship. In other words, it’s hard to fill up another bucket when your own bucket is empty. Make sure to clear time for you to recharge and feel good. Spend time playing that sport that you enjoy. Spend time with friends that you really enjoy the company of. Spend time pursuing the things in your life that are really important to you. Block out time for just chilling and relaxing from the stress of your everyday life. All of these things help you fill up your own bucket which can then overflow into your relationship.

3.More isn’t always better.

Some people think that in order to have a great relationship you have to dedicate a large proportion of your life to it. And, while it’s true that in order to have a great relationship you need to make it a higher priority in your life it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to spend every waking moment with this person. What actually helps create more of a fulfilling relationship is dedicated quality time with your partner. When interacting with that person in meaningful ways is the sole focus of that minute, hour, or night – the rewards are very enriching. It could involve a special date night every week. Or it could even be those 15 minutes of dedicated couple time before the two of you get ready for work. It’s important to prioritize this time in your relationship otherwise it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life and miss out on these magical and meaningful moments with your partner.

4.Have courage.

Don’t let take hold when or past hurts come up. At times when you want to hold back or use emotional weapon instead breathe, take a step back, and don’t let the fear get the best of you. Do your best to be present and respond to the situation in front of you and not the one in your head. Do your best to use this relationship as an opportunity to conquer your fears and heal past hurts. Every relationship you have gives you an opportunity to learn, grow, and especially heal.

5.Communicate with openness.

Any form of communication is interpreted through the filter of your partner’s perception. You might say something really harmless, but because it touches on insecurity or a touchy subject – it could lead to an overreaction. Each partner should take the time to communicate as openly as possible. Truly listen. Give each other room to say what the other person needs to say without interjecting, defending, or accusing. Most things can be worked out via proper open communication. But the most important thing is to keep those lines open!

6. Be selective about what your focus on.

You want to do your best to focus on the things that please you rather than displease you about your partner and the relationship. When you first meet someone it’s easy to see all their positive aspects. Call it the honeymoon phase. But once you have transitioned past this stage – little things can really annoy you about your partner. During this time – it’s important to consciously put effort into the things that you appreciate about your partner. Or at least don’t make such a big deal out of the things that do bother you and focus on things that make you feel good about them. As you focus on the things that you like about your partner the more things you will have to appreciate about them and vice versa.

7. Expect the unexpected.

Sometimes can get a little dull or boring because you get stuck in a kind of relationship rut. You think you know each other so well that there seems to be nothing exciting about the other person and the relationship that you are in. When you come from a perspective that your partner continues to you with their little quirks, with their , and with their growth – then you set the stage for a sense of excitement and newness to be more present in the relationship. When you come from the premise that you may NEVER truly know who your partner is because they are always changing, growing, and evolving you leave the door open to new experiences, anticipation, and an eagerness to get to know them even more. Practical ways to apply this could be a game where the two of you ask each other questions that you have never asked each other before. They could be light hearted or they could be more meaningful ones. It’s also good to try things that the BOTH of you have never done before. That way you can experience something new together and bond through that experience.
And, because I’m not really a fan of writing endings to blog posts right now – I will again leave you this quote:

We met for a reason – you are either a blessing or a lesson ~ Frank Ocean

And, I would add … that every lesson is a blessing …

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What Should Be On Your Love Checklist?

May 20, 2013 By Leave a Comment

2e4c731f4994ad7795517ab9791d6d4b What Should Be On Your Love Checklist?

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) — Philosophers, clinicians, researchers, and theologians have all had their say about what is and what isn’t.

People are quick to throw all all sorts of terms and theories when they are feeling “warm and fuzzy” or need a for why they did not do what they are supposed to do in their intimate .

As a marriage, family, and therapist and , I’ve noticed that many of my clients either do not have a relationship/love checklist or if they have one, they allow their to become blurred when they begin to have amorous .

Here are a few “relationship/love” tips you should consider before entering into your next romantic encounter:

1. Be happy with yourself and be ready to be in a relationship.

There are three essential components to being happy and ready to be in a relationship:

A. Identify what you need to be happy with yourself.
B. Identify what you may need to do to enable your partner to be happy.
C. Identify what your expectations are of being in a relationship.

Being “ready” to be in a relationship means that you are physically, emotionally, intimately, and spiritually open to sharing who you are with someone else.

Likewise, you also need to be receptive to who you partner is and where he/she is at across all four of those dimensions. Many people want to be in love or in a relationship but most people either aren’t ready, or ready to have a partner who is ready.

2. Never forget how special you are.

If your partner minimizes, negates or judges you as a person, or your actions, you may want to proceed with …or not at all. Sometimes we fall in love with people at the expense of forgetting/neglecting who we are. Instead, it’s important to be with someone who doesn’t prevent us from remembering and honoring those traits that allow us to be the special individuals that we were put on this to be.

3. Take your time.

Too often when couples begin relationships, they don’t take enough time getting to know one another across different contexts. People behave differently in front of their peers, their families, and their co-workers, and it is important to have an understanding of how they interact with the different people in their different circles.

Moreover, people behave differently over time. The way that a person treats his/her parents today may be significantly different from the way that he/she may have interacted with his/her parents growing up. One of your relationship tasks is to allow the relationship to move slowly enough to learn who you are really are giving your heart to.

Here are seven additional traits that you may want to add to your love/relationship checklist. Remember, it is important that you define what all of these mean to you personally.

1. Companionship: How much time do you want to spend with your love interest? What will you do when you two are together? Apart?

2. Honesty: Honesty by open disclosure or by soliciting for responses?

3. Trust: How dependable/predictable are you? How predictable/dependable should your partner be?

4. Openness: How open/flexible are you? How open/flexible do you want your partner to be?

5. Reciprocity: Do you expect for your partner to give to you as you give to him/her?

6. Good communication: Does your partner share what is REALLY going on with him/her? Do you share? Do either of you listen?

7. Considerate: How considerate/attentive are you to your partner’s feelings? Should he/she be as considerate or attentive of yours?

Feel free to include your relationship/love checklist items as well. GOOD LUCK!!!

By Dr. James Wadley, BDO Relationship Expert

Dr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services Program at Lincoln University. He is a licensed professional counselor and marriage, family, and sexuality therapist in the States of Pennsylvania and New Jersey. His book, “The Lost and Found Box”, addresses the need for individuals to rediscover happiness. You can learn more about him at drjameswadley.com.

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Former Chechen rebel: ‘I have nothing to do with’ Boston bombings

May 18, 2013 By Leave a Comment

f8bd5e7a1d9e71019099a166838065e8 Former Chechen rebel: I have nothing to do with Boston bombings

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

Musa Khadjimuradov, 36, says he has been questioned twice by the
He says are asking about one of the suspects
“I am sure the FBI knows by now that I have nothing to do with the terrible act,” he says
Khadjimuradov says he knew Tamerlan Tsarnaev only in passing

Manchester, New Hampshire (CNN) — The trail of bombing suspect Tamerlan Tsarnaev has led investigators to the New Hampshire home of a former Chechen rebel living in exile, a told CNN on Friday.

FBI agents interviewed Musa Khadjimuradov and searched his Manchester home this week, said the official, who spoke on condition of .

While the official did not detail what investigators uncovered during the search or the contents of the interview, Khadjimuradov indicated in an e-mailed statement to CNN that he was questioned about his contact with dead suspect Tamerlan Tsarnaev.

Authorities have cast a wide net in the investigation into the Boston bombings, examining everything from the suspects’ movements to people they knew, to determine whether Tamerlan Tsarnaev or his younger , Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, received help in carrying out the attack.

“I am sure the FBI knows by now that I have nothing to do with the terrible act in Boston,” Khadjimuradov said in the statement.

“I would like to state that I barely knew the Tsarnaev family, and only met them for the first time after we moved to the U.S. During the very few encounters, which were initiated by Tsarnaev, we have never discussed political or religious issues, so I could never guess what ideas were in their minds.”

Khadjimuradov, 36, said this week was the second time he has been questioned by about his with the elder Tsarnaev, who visited his home about three weeks before the April 15 bombings that left three dead and hundreds wounded.

In an interview this week with , Khadjimuradov said he believes federal investigators questioned him because they wanted to know whether Tsarnaev had used a shooting range in the area.

“Because they say he has shooting practice here in New Hampshire. That’s like two or three times. So he bought fireworks here, from New Hampshire, you know? And he buy some ammunition for guns here in New Hampshire. And before the attack, like three or four weeks, he came to my house,” he said.

“So now I believe they’re thinking like he was coming here to New Hampshire and that I try to help him or something.”

He told Voice of America that he met Tamerlan Tsarnaev at a Chechen Society gathering in Boston in 2006, he had seen him only three times in three years, and the discussions were never about religion or politics.

“Nothing. Never. He never talking about the religious, politics or anything like that to me,” he said.

Authorities have said the surviving Tsarnaev brother told investigators that no one else was involved.

In addition to questions about how the bombings were carried out, investigators have been trying to determine how the Tsarnaev brothers were allegedly radicalized.

Authorities have said they believe the brothers acted alone, but are investigating whether they could have learned from or been aided by terror groups, including groups overseas.

The Tsarnaev brothers, ethnic Chechens, lived in Kyrgyzstan and Dagestan in Russia’s volatile North Caucasus region, where Islamic insurgency has taken hold in a fight for independence.

Of particular interest has been Tamerlan’s 2012 trip to the semi-autonomous Russian republic of Dagestan, home to numerous Islamic militant groups that have warred against Moscow’s rule.

Russian authorities asked U.S. officials to investigate Tamerlan before the trip, saying they believed he was becoming increasingly involved with radical Islam. The FBI investigated, but found no evidence of extremist activity, FBI Director Robert Mueller told a Senate committee.

In his statement, Khadjimuradov said he understood why authorities wanted to talk to him and that he fully cooperated.

“These guys need to do everything they can to solve this case, so they can prevent anything like this horror from happening again,” it said.

Khadjimuradov, who relocated to the United States in 2004 as a refugee, has said he served as one of the bodyguards for Akhmed Zakayev, a Chechen separatist leader wanted by Russia. Zakayev, who now lives in London, did not immediately respond to a CNN request for comment.

Khadjimuradov told Voice of America and The New York Times he was paralyzed after being shot in the back by Russian security forces in 2001.

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3 Tips For Dealing With Controlling Women

May 13, 2013 By Leave a Comment

8bfc5825e58f7ca8afb4ed1bb111ed6e 3 Tips For Dealing With Controlling Women

(PhatzNewsRoom / HotAlphaWomen.com) — Now, I’m sure that you don’t wake up and think, “I would just to date a controlling woman! That would be so much fun!” Yet you continue to find yourself with a woman who at times is demanding, nagging, complaining, and just acting downright bossy. Despite this, controlling behavior is simply a natural extension to a woman’s , just like drinking a cold beer, zoning into a , or playing a is to you after a hard day’s work.

Since we have established that controlling women are everywhere, let me help you identify this behavior and show you how to minimize it.

Recognize controlling behavior is simply a signal that a woman is feeling insecure. She may feel a threat to her , her , or your relationship with her. Therefore, the controlling behavior creates a sense of security in her world, which stems from her temporary inability to trust you or herself. In her mind, it’s easier to hone in on you rather than look at her own insecurities. Ultimately, she needs her emotional security restored. She needs to regain that certainty with her , emotional state, or relationship with you. So, what are specific things you can do to prevent and manage controlling behavior?

Set Your Own

A woman will use controlling behavior to test the limits of your . This will allow her to gauge your level of self-respect thereby equally matching it. Therefore, high levels of respect for yourself will be matched with high levels of respect from her. Your self-respect represents and re-enforces a boundary for her. So, by maintaining and increasing your self-respect, you prevent and decrease her attempts at controlling behavior.

A woman can also continue to push your limits until other boundaries are imposed on her. Most often, women who do this are testing to discover if you are willing to enforce such boundaries. Think of a small child who sees how much they can “act up” or “get away with something” before there are consequences. And, depending on a woman’s maturity level (because some women still act like children and some are more mature) it’s very important you set and enforce boundaries on her. For example, when she barks an order at you, decide if and when you would consider doing it. Don’t automatically assume that you HAVE to do it because she told you to. Her views and opinions are only supplements to your final decision. You are your own man. And especially in the beginning (attraction phases) no matter what happens, you stand by your decision. In this way, you are teaching her how to treat you. You are creating and maintaining boundaries that inspire and perpetuate her respect for you.
Call Her Out On Her Controlling Behavior

The is some women are consistently getting away with their bad behavior. Some know it and others don’t. So, when you come into her life, you can distinguish yourself from all the other men she is surrounded with by being one of the few men to ever call her out. Even though she may whine, rebel, scowl, complain, or pout when you call her out, she will internally experience your assertiveness as exciting, refreshing, and attractive. So, the next time she has a temper tantrum, starts ordering you around, or takes the lead, use that as an opportunity to call her out on her games. Use that as an opportunity to regain the leadership position. Use that as an opportunity to tease and connect with her. This will make you unique in her world. Trust me, if she doesn’t appreciate you for it in the moment, she will appreciate you for it later!
Give Her What She Really Needs

As I mentioned previously, when a woman is acting controlling, it’s usually because there an underlying need that is currently unmet. About 90% of the time, this will be an insecurity she feels about something, which she is displacing onto you. What she really needs to feel is your grounding presence: that you are a real man who understands her and her games. She by no means wants you to bend because of her controlling behavior. In fact, giving in to her is how you lose.

The only real way you can truly win is to not give in to her controlling behavior and to directly address the unstated need. Most of the time when a woman acts controlling, there is something else on her mind. She will most likely just need to express, vent, and release any negative energy that has built up in her. Once she has done this, she will no longer have the urge to act controlling with you. All you have to do is listen and be present for her. This will be enough for her to alleviate any stress, tension, or anxiety that she may be experiencing. You don’t have to give her solutions. You don’t have to take everything she says personally. By doing so, all of it will reveal your ability to look past her games, address her unspoken need for security, and resolve the true problem: her insecurity.
Final Thoughts

So, remember that she is not crazy, she is a woman. She experiences the world differently than you. She handles stress differently from you. She processes her emotions differently. Additionally, there are times where she may be more controlling and demanding than others. Just remember, sometimes she wants to be the little girl she hardly ever gets to be. She will need to talk with you, hug you, or lean on you. By understanding the real reason why she is acting controlling, you can take your ego out of the equation and really know how to give her what she needs. What she needs is a real man who can see through all her games, appreciate her for who she truly is, and be her true pillar of strength. And that my friend, can be you!

Jennifer Nielsen
Twitter: @HotAlphaFemale follows you
Helping men with the subtleties of the female mind. Inspiring men to make for better dating & relating experiences.

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The Types Of Fights Men Fear

May 13, 2013 By Leave a Comment

87d1e9bbbb99df8a2ec0cb286b9a4b27 The Types Of Fights Men Fear

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) — The only fights guys really like are those that take place on or Pay-Per-View. But guys don’t particularly like fights when they happen in .

We shy away from for several reasons: first, men win rarely win arguments with women.

Second, we don’t have that much we want to argue about. For the vast majority of guys, fighting is , and quite possibly a violation of local noise ordinances.

We may have a few little things to quibble about (Where in the world did you put my white t-shirt?), but for the most part, we’ll do anything to avoid , especially these types of :

The “Blackberry” Fight

You look at it too much. Does that thing always have to be on? You work way too much! You’re right, you’re right, and you’re right. When a man’s work is pitted against his for time and attention, he can feel utterly conflicted.

feel an to succeed, to be the one who’s counted on, to be hardwired into whatever’s happening, even if it’s not much. And when you tell him that he should feel that way about you rather than the job, he .

That’s because he’d rather make a choice between right and wrong than the choice you’re asking him to make: The choice between two things that are both important, but vastly different.

The “Ex” Fight

You want to know what she’s like, what she does, why your man was into her, and why they broke up. Him? He wants to stay as tight-lipped as the CIA.

Which only fuels the speculation – she must’ve been great, she must’ve broken up with him, she must’ve been the love of his life. The may be none of those things, but he wants to reveal as little as possible because there’s no upside.

If he recalls any positives about her, he’s afraid you’ll compare, and think poorly of yourself. If he says nasty things about his ex, he loses two ways: you’ll think badly of him for unchivalrous behavior, and wonder why he was with such a no-good in the first place.

The “Finale” Fight

When a break-up is inevitable, a guy doesn’t want to go out with shouts, insults, crying, and random appliance tossing. Even though this relationship may have not worked out entirely the way either of you had pictured, he doesn’t want it to end badly.

Why? Because there’s a big part of him that cares very much about his rep; he doesn’t want to be perceived as a bad guy, or a mean one, or some jerk who deserves to be hit by the cross-town bus next time he crosses the street.

Even if he wants an ending, he doesn’t want it to be a bad one – which is why many breakup-minded men try to make a soft landing back in the singles world: Slowly, gently, and perhaps unfairly as well.

The “Wedding” Fight

Not the wedding fight, as in whether or not to have one. But fights, as in plural, the kind that happen between the first ring he puts on your finger, and the second. He knows you want him involved in all the decisions big (who to invite) and small (what style napkins). He knows that “It’s up to you” is usually one of the “Five Things You Should Never Say to a Woman,” as this article artfully instructs (hint: make sure he reads and heeds it!).

But in this case, his acquiescence isn’t because he’s uninterested; it’s because he respects that this is your (and possibly your mother’s) big day, so enjoy it, do what you want, and don’t get mad because he won’t tell you if he prefers the butter cream icing or the marzipan.

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6 Tips For Dating With Depression

May 7, 2013 By Leave a Comment

dd5403c176238c4ca674483bf3faf087 6 Tips For Dating With Depression

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) –— is a common illness that most of us will deal with at some point in our lives. About 19 million Americans suffer from and do not undergo any treatment for the condition. This can pose a problem for many areas of life — especially . But depression doesn’t have to be a in dating.

One thing to remember about dating is that all people have some kind of baggage they bring along for the ride. So don’t be too hard on yourself. If the person and the are right for you, the difficulties encountered can be overcome. These 6 simple tips can help make dating a bit easier.

Don’t tell on the

You don’t owe it to the person to discuss your depression on a first date. If things become more serious, however, you should tell your potential partner. A might be when you decide to see each other exclusively or when you just feel that you care more deeply about each other. There are always individual differences. Something may come up in a conversation where it would feel like a natural time or that it would be dishonest not to. You might choose that time to share that you have depression.

How to talk about it

When you feel the time is right, talk about it with this three part “script.” First, tell your partner that they are important to you, enough so that you have something about yourself to share with them. Second, don’t just blurt out “I’m depressed.” Instead, preface it by telling them that there’s something you’ve struggled with that’s a fairly common problem, and let them know you have been diagnosed with depression and that you’re taking care of yourself by seeking treatment. And finally, emphasize again that you care about the person and the relationship. This message is as important as telling her that you have depression.

Accept assistance

In addition to surrounding yourself with the support of , it’s important to let potential partners know how they can help you. For example, if you exercise regularly to help lift your mood, ask your partner to join you. If they will support you in your endeavors, they could be a real keeper. Telling them about the challenges you face or going to counseling can also be helpful. Just talking about your relationship and how depression may impact it lets a person know you want him or her to be a part of your life.

Be patient

If your potential partner asks questions or offers advice, recognize the good intent behind the words—even if they aren’t that helpful. For example, men often feel that it’s their to make their partner happy. Understand his desire to help, but let him know you can’t always put on a happy face. Some women, on the other hand, expect men to take the initiative to plan dates or activities. This can be hard to do when you are depressed and you have little energy. Let her know you want to be with her, but you may have to keep things low-key.

Low libido

Depression, and some antidepressants, can cause you to lose interest in sex. If you are having libido problems that are medication related, talk to your doctor about alternatives that might be less likely to dampen your sex drive. You can also let your partner know that you care in other ways. If you don’t feel like having sex, let the person know you still find him or her attractive by cuddling or being affectionate.

Online dating

Millions of people turn to the Internet to find romantic partners, but that doesn’t mean it’s not difficult. It is easy to get discouraged when dating online. It takes skill to know how to navigate online dating to find someone special. There are sites geared specifically for those with mental illness. These types of sites can be a good place to go to, but consider mainstream dating sites as well. Don’t give up after meeting just one or two people. Discuss the process with friends and family; having a good support system can help.

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A 10-Year ‘Marriage Contract’ Could Save Us All From Divorce

May 6, 2013 By Leave a Comment

69cea483a56422eb6008fae5ef8281d4 A 10 Year Marriage Contract Could Save Us All From Divorce

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — With a hovering around 50 percent, a figure I see very clearly in my , it’s easy to see why so many people think the current model of is dead. Clearly, this “’til death do us part” stuff isn’t working for a whole lot of people and something has to give. After all, why do so few marriages really make it over the ?

Writer Emma Johnson discusses this in her latest blog post on Wealthy Single . She says marriage is dead and we need a new model. In particular, we need a 10-year contract that we can either renew or discard depending on how the marriage is working.

The truth is, she is right. For some people, the IS dead. Actually, not just for some people. It isn’t working for about half the population. That’s a whole lot of people. If half the population were infected by some kind of disease, we would want to cure it, right? But what could really “cure” marriage? Is the idea of “forever” really just dead in the water?

As someone who really IS honest to God, really happily married after together, I that this contract idea honors my commitment as much as it honors someone who is less happy.

I love our relationship and probably would say it’s the best thing in my life. The shared , trust, and love I feel are amazing. That said, I think our secret formula IS what this contract implies. We are always reassessing, communicating, and throwing out what isn’t working while building on what is.

Part of it may just be luck. That’s what a cousin I know who is happily married once told me. Her secret to their 50-year union was simply this: “Dumb luck.” The end. But we also manage it. We talk. We take our relationship seriously as the foundation of our family and we move the pieces around to keep our fit.

The truth is, I do know probably more unhappily married couples than I do happily married ones. It’s possible are really not meant to stay together 50 years and be totally faithful and passionate. It’s possible we were all sold a bill of lies.

The old model really may be dead.

Of course, the first thing is we define our own marriages. No two marriages should look alike. We don’t need a marriage “model” so much as we need to accept that our marriages won’t look alike. Even now, there is no “model” I am following. I am still happy and he is still happy, so whatever we are doing, we just keep on doing it.

For other people, long-term marriage is just not the solution. They probably could never find a person they would be happy with for life. Just like some women can curl their tongues and others can’t and some women can have vaginal orgasms and others can’t.

Johnson’s solution is a 10-year marriage contract, and the reality is, it really could save marriage. It honors everyone — those who plan to stay married forever AND those who want to part ways amicably. Sure, there are flaws — what happens if there is a disagreement over the resigning? But it’s also the clearest idea I have ever seen that addresses the realities of marriage. Forever is not working for a lot of people.

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15 Things a Woman Never Wants to Hear Her Man Say

April 29, 2013 By Leave a Comment

d3e45369e3f311e6b17a58d0d2da4632 15 Things a Woman Never Wants to Hear Her Man Say

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — Not all surprises are good ones. No one knows that better than a woman in a . I have a friend who met and married the so-called man of her dreams within . A year later, he dropped a major — he had been married before. Even more shocking: He had been married twice before. For whatever reason, it never previously came up. That was probably just as much her fault as it was his. She clearly didn’t ask enough questions. But sometimes, nothing can compare us for the crap that comes out of their . Check out the 15 things a woman never wants to hear her man say.

It was just a kiss.
My mom’s gonna stay with us for a few months.
Oh, didn’t I tell you I had kids?
I’m on .
I’m as good as divorced. I mean, we haven’t lived together in years.
I think I might be gay.
I’ve been late because my ex needed my help with something.
I need you to get me a good .
Can I have a hall pass?
Maybe I’m not cut out for .
I told my he can live in the basement.
I quit my .
So I sent a photo of my junk to another girl. It’s not like I was having an actual affair.
Surprise, I got you a boob job for your birthday!
What do you think about the thing?

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Get a great relationship in just 6 seconds

April 22, 2013 By Leave a Comment

ea3d7feb659d9a4c378f9eff4a7f8506 Get a great relationship in just 6 seconds

(PhatzNewsRoom / .com) — These scenarios that come along with a busy lifestyle are familiar to most of us: When your date arrives at your place while you’re in the middle of an important phone call, you for this person to come in and finally get around to greeting each other 10 minutes later, still feeling a bit frazzled from your conversation. Or maybe you just spent a great weekend together, but when it’s time to say goodbye, you realize that you’re running late for an — so you rush out the door in a hurry, barely kissing your date goodbye.

These rushed instances are as understandable as they are commonplace, but they inevitably take a toll on relationships, because these transitional moments often set the tone for both a couple’s time together and their time spent apart. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher and the author of What Makes Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid , asserts that our “ of connections are crucial,” because they serve not only to re-establish the connection with our partners, but also to protect our relationships from . “The parting and reunion [moments] turn out to be really important,” asserts Dr. Gottman. Attention spent on each other in transitional junctures communicates that “you’re important to me, and when you come back at the end of the day, it’s an event. You matter to me.”

How momentary transitions can safeguard your from betrayal
Being present for each other and asserting the importance of the relationship during these transitional moments is part of how couples establish what Dr. Gottman refers to as “attunement” — i.e., a deep level of understanding that couples both possess and lovingly express to each other. In his book, What Makes Love Last, Dr. Gottman asserts that this level of mutual attunement is a way for couples to inoculate themselves against falling down the slippery slope of negative thinking about their relationship that can ultimately lead to betrayal. “One of the other important things we discovered about betrayal was not only about turning away from one another, but it’s also about this negative comparison where one partner is saying in [his/her] mind, ‘Who needs this crap? I can do better,’” Dr. Gottman explains. “And that negative comparison gets people to start detaching from the relationship.”

Six seconds to a better relationship
The “six-second ” is one simple and fun activity that Dr. Gottman advocates couples incorporate into their everyday moments of . Described by him as “long enough to feel romantic,” the six-second kiss serves as a temporary oasis within a busy day and creates a deliberate break between the on-the-job mentality (i.e., going to or from work) and a couple’s one-on-one time together. In fact, the six-second kiss makes up just a fraction of what Dr. Gottman has dubbed the “magic five hours,” which is the amount of extra time he’s found that the most successful, happiest couples began devoting to their relationships each week after completing his workshops together. Time spent intentionally focusing on their partners during “reunions” and “partings” also comprise an important component of the “magic five hours” that these couples invest into their relationships on a weekly basis.

Reunited, and it feels so good…
We’ve all heard the saying, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” The same could be said for the moment when you’re reunited with your date. Those first few moments set the tone for your time spent together — either positively or negatively. Greeting your sweetheart with affection communicates this person’s importance to you while reminding your partner of the good you share when you’re in each other’s company, and trigger reciprocal of his or her own.

A number of small gestures can be combined in order to ensure that your reunion goes well:

Make sure to set aside your phone and any other distractions first, and then give your partner your full attention as you exchange greetings.
Share a six-second kiss.
Say that you’re happy to see your partner again.

If you’re used to a more casual way of saying “hello” and “goodbye,” these seemingly simple gestures of affection might feel awkward at first, but letting your partner know that you’re happy to see him or her creates an important, positive transition between your time apart and the time you spend together.

In a long-term relationship, Dr. Gottman says that having a “stress-reducing conversation” is a great way to kick off a couple’s reunion time together. “The one thing research has discovered,” says Dr. Gottman, “is that if they take 15 minutes apiece to talk about what’s stressful about the day, and their partner is an ally in listening — without giving advice or problem-solving — that can be very important. You have to have a time when you really have your partner’s ears; it’s a time when you really can connect.”

How to make saying “goodbye” even sweeter
Setting a few minutes aside to properly say “goodbye” to each other can make a dramatic difference in a couple’s thoughts about the relationship during the time they spend apart. So before you zoom off into the world going different directions, take a minute to communicate how much you enjoyed your time together — and maybe touch base about when you’ll be getting together again in the near future. If you don’t have a plan for your next date, just establishing when you’ll be talking to each other next (“I’ll call you tomorrow”) can help a couple maintain their feelings of connection with each other.

You should also make a point of asking what’s ahead for your sweetie so you can provide the right kind of support later on. “One of the most important things to do in parting is to find out what your partner’s day is going to be like,” Dr. Gottman says. “Find out about anything that is important that’s going to happen to your partner that day. If she’s going to have lunch with a friend or he has a critical phone call or important meeting scheduled, know about that and what it means to her or him.”

And yes, before saying goodbye to your partner (for now, anyway), don’t forget to savor that six-second kiss!

Theo Pauline Nestor is the author of How to Sleep Alone in King-Size Bed: A Memoir of Starting Over and a regular contributor to Happen magazine.

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Should You Break Up?

April 17, 2013 By Leave a Comment

74adcdf3216861c3112960e2035b052a Should You Break Up?

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) — A partner is meant to provide , support and help you to evolve as an individual and a couple. But when you find a lacking, or as a and , it may be time consider other options.

After deep soul-searching, you may come to realize that for your own well-being you may need to step away from the relationship. Once you’ve admitted this to yourself you may be flooded by fear, , or . How do you know you’re ? And what steps do you take to get there?

Here are nine tips to get out of a mediocre relationship and reclaim your life.

1. First and foremost, you have to be honest with yourself.

If you are even considering whether you should get out of a relationship, chances are something has been happening for to make you feel upset. Ask yourself some like:

Do I feel energized or drained after I spent an hour with my partner?
Do I want to spend time with him/her or do I feel like I have to?
Do I go to my partner looking for a response that I never get?
Do I come away consistently disappointed by his/her comments and behavior?
I giving way more to the relationship than my partner?

If most of the answers to these questions are ‘yes’, maybe it is time to look after your own emotional needs.

2. Clarify the problems by keeping a record.

If you are still undecided whether you should get out of this relationship, start keeping a record of things in this relationship that make you feel consistently bad. It could be that you are weak and scared of striking out on your own or a feeling of worthlessness and that you are suffering from. If you find your emotional log consistently featuring negative self-perception, then you can be pretty sure you are caught up in a bad relationship.

3. Figure out what’s keeping you there.

All relationships, even unhappy ones, offer certain perks or else why would anyone continue to put up with them. So consider that could be keeping you tied to your partner; it could be, for instance, the security you share even though there is no love or it could be that your partner make you feel attractive and sexy again even though this doesn’t keep him/her from disrespecting you or putting you down always. Determining what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship will help you to gauge if the perks are worth the constant unhappiness and perhaps help you find other sources of self-validation.

4. Assemble a support team.

Ending a relationship is one of the loneliest experiences and there is no reason why you should have to go through it alone. So as you start the, invest time and effort in building a close circle of family and friends who will provide you with emotional support as well as a positive outlook. Reach out to them and ask for help through these difficult times. Chances are that people close to you already know how unhappy you are in your present relationship. Don’t hesitate to surround yourself with people who really care about you.

5. Just do it.

Once you are emotionally ready to put an end the relationship, give it to them straight. Unless you fear for your physical safety, do it personally – breaking up by email, text or even over the phone should be avoided as far as possible. Just in case, prepare yourself for an emotional outburst or even emotional blackmail from your partner in an attempt to keep you back. Express yourself in a calm, precise manner and then allow him/her to respond. Hear whatever they have to say but don’t get trapped in accusations, counter-accusations and justifications. Keep in mind that you have made your decision and are here simply to let them know.

6. Allow yourself time to grieve.

Even if the move to get out of the relationship has come from you, it is sure to bring its share of pain. So allow yourself a few days to feel sad. Pull down the blinds, put on some soulful music and have a good cry. Do whatever is necessary to work the misery out of your system. But please avoid drinking binges, drug-taking or any other risk-taking behavior. Everything will be just fine.

7. Give yourself a treat.

Many a time it is difficult to leave an unhappy relationship – opting out seems too much effort and it is easier to lapse back into the way things were. In order to prevent this from happening, reward yourself with something nice after each stage of getting out. For instance if you have been able to go on a whole week without calling or mailing your recent ex, treat yourself to a brunch at your favorite restaurant.

8. Keep your schedule booked.

One of the best ways to leave behind an unhappy relationship is to stay busy. Even the otherwise mind-numbing routine of a domestic life – taking out the trash, shopping for supplies, filling up the gas tank – can motivate you to continue with your regular life and thus come out of your house, instead of giving way to loneliness and . Stay moving. Keep your head up.

9. Don’t go looking for a rebound.

Once out of an unhappy relationship, you may be eager to get back to dating scene. But remember, rebound affairs never work because you are just not emotionally ready for a new relationship. And even if you are not serious about it yourself, it’s not fair to the other person who may not be aware of your real feelings. It’s best to make sure you healed before you get back out there. Take your time.

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