June 18, 2013

10 Old-School Tips For A Happy Marriage

6df75410e1d4a2839fa399c8212ae1a2 10 Old School Tips For A Happy Marriage

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) — Would you take relationship tips from your grandfather or your mom to make your happier? Modern just might do well to emulate some of the successful strategies of their happily married parents and grandparents — from sleeping in to maintaining same-sex friends.

Could “old-fashioned” practices offer greater longevity, stability, and pleasure to your marriage? Quite possibly. Here are 10 tried-and-true strategies you can borrow from your parents’ marriage to enhance your own.

1. Don’t Go to Bed Angry
Even if you can’t resolve a disagreement before you hit the sheets, you can agree to let the anger go for the night. Remind each other how lucky you are — even as you disagree — to have each other to disagree with.

2. Give Compliments
To give a , you’ve got to pay attention — really notice something about someone. If it’s been a while since you’ve doled out flattering praise, try it. It costs nothing to say, “You look good,” “You did a great job,” or “I like your shirt.” Yet compliments can really reassure and pump up your spouse.

3. Hold Hands
Back in our parents’ time, hand-holding and discreet on the were the tasteful, chaste displays of affection.
Although anything goes these days, its encouraged that couples simply hold hands in public. It somehow affirms to everyone your undying affection and love for each other, and it shows everyone that you are proud to be with each other and you want everyone to know it. There’s an actual electrical connection that passes between us when we touch. You can use that electrical connection to provide juice in your marriage. Give each other little and gentle touches and hold hands frequently when you’re walking or driving and you’ll keep the energy — and the sweetness — flowing between you.

4. Cut Back on Complaints
’s couples had a comic reputation for nagging — yet, in , many partners often held their tongues. A stumbling block in modern marriages is a constant soundtrack of discord. Current generations think that closeness comes from sharing everything, letting each other know how miserable you are. But it doesn’t motivate me to treat you better. Relaying every annoyance is a bad idea. Instead, pick your battles. “Not everything needs to be addressed.”

5. Try Thoughtful Little Acts
Back in the day, with fewer stresses, limited technology and less multitasking, couples were more “present” in their relationships. The of little, daily thoughtful acts showed caring and appreciation for one another. Things like making breakfast for your spouse or packing their lunch, bringing them coffee in the morning or a drink or glass of wine at the end of the day, warming up their car or putting their keys and other personal effects on the hall table, ready to go. Sustaining a happy relationship requires careful thought, a generous spirit and hard work.

There’s a lot of wisdom to be gained from our parents or grandparents.They had companionship marriage, but we’ve raised the bar — we want romance, great sex, and more intimacy. We can reconcile these two approaches. With some of the gentleness and graciousness of previous generations with the technology and savvy of today’s marriages.

6. Maintain Same-Sex Friends — and Interests
Women, don’t try to regulate your husband’s pleasures and don’t be jealous if they don’t include you. It’s only been during the past couple of decades that couples expected to share a bulk of their free time together. Retro couples didn’t necessarily want to participate in each others hobbies. Couples should keep close ties with their same-sex friends throughout marriage. This will give you both time to cultivate your own interests, and not be totally reliant on each other for their entertainment.

7. Look Sharp
You can inspire romance by dressing up for the occasion. “With our hectic schedules, it’s tempting to resort to sweatpants all weekend or immediately changing into a ratty T-shirt after work. Instead, dress up the next time you and your spouse have dinner or plan a night out. Wearing a beautiful dress or a button-down shirt and slacks will be unexpected and make your partner feel special that you took the extra time to look nice. Taking time with your appearance inspires romance and shows your partner you care. Never let yourself go. Look your best as often as possible — it will make your partner feel loved and proud.

8. Put Pen to Paper
Back before cell phones and instant messaging, people wrote letters of affection to each other, often waiting weeks to receive them. Love letters exchanged between a couple can strengthen their relationship by helping them to connect to one another on a deeper level. These letters may also become treasured keepsakes that can be revisited and experienced anew each time they are read. You’ll reap bonus points if you hand write it on beautiful paper and enclose a cherished memento such as a photograph or ticket stub from a movie you saw together.

9. Reinstate Civilit
“Please,” “thank you,” “pardon me” and “may I” are phrases that seemed to have all but disappeared from present-day vocabularies, especially with our loved ones. You should extend your partner the same courtesy you would a stranger. When speaking to your spouse, don’t be rude, be respectful. Use a combination of old-school civility and modern frankness. Additionally, try more sweetness and tenderness by saying things more lovingly. Politeness is like a lubricant for your daily interactions; it makes everything go more smoothly.

Husbands, show her that chivalry is not dead: Pull out her chair, open the door for her, help her over a puddle, give her your coat when it is cold outside, help her to put on her coat. This act of affection shows that she is important and there is a level of respect for her.

10. Have Couples Fun
Cocktail hour and formal anniversary celebrations with like-minded couples were common activities shared by our parents and their friends. It’s fun and a great way to be social with others and playful with one another.

It is important to identify friends who are healthy additions to your social circle. Your goal is to become close with other couples with similar standards and interests who have positive attitudes about marriage and family life. Gravitate toward fun couples who make you feel supported and enhance your active, healthy lifestyle. Friends like these are good for your marriage and overall well-being.

Supreme Court’s gay marriage cases: What they’re about, what they could mean

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(PhatzNewsRoom / AP) — WASHINGTON — The U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday and Wednesday will hear arguments on two distinct gay-: California’s Proposition 8 ban on same-sex marriage and the federal . A rundown on what the arguments are about and what could happen:

Q: What are the cases?

A: On , the court has scheduled 60 minutes of oral argument in Hollingsworth v. Perry. This involves a challenge to California’s Proposition 8, a state prohibiting that voters adopted in 2008. Opponents challenged the law, and a eventually ruled it to be unconstitutional. Supporters asked for the Supreme Court to review that ruling.

For Wednesday morning, the court has scheduled an unusually long 110 minutes of argument in United States v. Windsor. This case challenges the federal Defense of Marriage Act, a 1996 law that prohibits myriad federal benefits from going to gay married couples.

Q: Will the court decide whether the Constitution guarantees a right to same-sex marriage?

A: Not necessarily.

The court’s nine justices have a wide range of potential choices. They can punt in the Proposition 8 case, by deciding that the conservatives who support the lack the standing to take legal action. That would leave intact the appellate court decision striking down Proposition 8, though with some uncertain long-.

Alternatively, the justices could rule narrowly, in a way that the decision only to California couples, or possibly to couples in several other states.

Or, the justices could issue a sweeping ruling that the Constitution protects — or doesn’t protect — individual rights nationwide to enter into a same-sex marriage.

Q: How could the justices confine their ruling to California? This is the U.S. Supreme Court.

A: The court could follow the lead of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, which struck down Proposition 8 for a state-specific reason. The California Supreme Court in May 2008 had recognized same-sex-marriage rights, and then voters removed those rights in November 2008 by approving the ballot measure.

The federal appellate court, emphasizing the “unique and strictly limited” nature of its ruling, concluded in February 2012 that “the people may not employ the initiative power to single out a disfavored group for unequal treatment and strip them, without a legitimate justification, of a right as important as the right to marry.” The Supreme Court could follow suit.

Q: Could the court ruling affect more than California but still not immediately cover all 50 states?

A: Yes.

The Obama administration has proposed what some call the “eight-state solution.” This proposal urges the court to protect same-sex marriage specifically in the eight states (but now nine) that ban gay marriages, but which accept gay civil unions.

Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon and Rhode Island, like California, recognize civil unions but not gay marriages. The Obama administration argues that this contrast violates constitutional guarantees of equal protection, given how marriage “confers a special validation of the between two individuals and conveys a message to society that domestic partnerships or civil unions cannot match.” “Eight-state solution” is a misnomer now, since Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper on Friday signed legislation making same-sex civil unions legal in that state.

Q: What’s the Defense of Marriage Act case about?

A: It’s about whether Congress can deny federal benefits to same-sex couples who are married under state laws. The provision in question denies same-sex couples access to an estimated 1,100 benefits afforded other married couples. These range from being able to file joint tax returns to sharing health insurance.

The question facing the court is whether this denial of benefits to one class of people violates constitutional guarantees of equal protection.

Q: What are “levels of scrutiny,” which get talked about a lot with these cases?

A: It’s about how much leeway the Supreme Court will give legislation.

The high court subjects laws and policies that potentially discriminate by race or national origin to “strict scrutiny.” This is a tough standard, meaning the law must be narrowly tailored to meet a compelling government interest.

The court applies “intermediate” or “exacting” scrutiny to laws that potentially discriminate by gender. These laws must be substantially related to an important government interest.

The lowest level of “rational-basis” scrutiny often ends up as a green light, testing simply whether the law is rationally related to a legitimate government purpose.

Proposition 8 opponents argue the measure fails to even meet the low rational-basis standard, though some, including the Obama administration, argue further that the court should recognize for the first time a “heightened level of scrutiny” for laws affecting gender orientation.

Q: What’s “standing”?

A: It’s the key to the courthouse door.

“Standing” is the legal term for being eligible to file a lawsuit. To have standing, an individual must have a significant interest in the controversy and must have either suffered an injury or face an imminent threat of injury.

California state officials declined to defend the same-sex marriage ban. Instead, a conservative former Southern California state legislator named Dennis Hollingsworth and allies are arguing on the proposition’s behalf.

Proposition 8 opponents argue in a brief that Hollingsworth and his allies “have never once suggested that permitting same-sex couples to marry could harm them, or anyone else, personally.” Hollingsworth counters that the California Supreme Court concluded, and the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals accepted the fact, that the opponents are “authorized” to step in since the state stepped out.

Q: Does the Defense of Marriage Act have the same standing issue?

A: Basically, yes. The court will spend 50 minutes Wednesday addressing the issue, at least in part.

Much as California did with Proposition 8, the Obama administration stopped defending the Defense of Marriage Act. Instead, House have funded a multimillion-dollar defense of the law. The Obama administration in a legal brief declares that the authority to defend a federal law in court “belongs to the executive branch alone.”

Q: Justice Anthony Kennedy is the swing vote, right?

A: Possibly. Kennedy, a generally conservative Republican appointee, has written several high-profile opinions upholding gay rights. In 1996, he wrote a decision striking down a Colorado ballot measure that banned recognizing gay individuals as a legally protected class. In 2003, he wrote a decision striking down a Texas anti-sodomy statute.

Justices Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia both opposed Kennedy on the Colorado and Texas cases. Chief Justice John Roberts Jr. and Justice Samuel Alito were not on the court at the time, but are generally reliable conservative votes, though Roberts surprised many in upholding the Obama administration’s health-care law. That makes him another one to watch closely on these cases.

Justices Stephen Breyer and Ruth Bader Ginsburg sided with Kennedy in both cases. Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan were not on the court at the time, but the Democratic appointees appear likely to be sympathetic to gay marriage.

Q: Will these historic arguments be televised?

A: No. The Supreme Court does not allow television cameras. Instead, the court will be releasing the transcript and an audio recording of the oral arguments. They will be available on the court’s website, www.supremecourt.gov, by 1 p.m. Tuesday and 2 p.m. Wednesday EST. C-SPAN will also be airing the audio.

Q: When will the court issue its decisions?

A: Probably the last week of June.

Material from The Associated Press is included in this report.

10 Things Every Woman Should Know About Her Man

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(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — Think you know everything you need to know about your man? The experts say a great requires really knowing what makes their partner tick. Whether your romance is new or long, there are still ways to strengthen your love. All it takes is being aware of crucial bits of information guaranteed to take your connection to another level. Check out the 10 things every woman should know about her man:

What makes him feel needed. Some guys love to fix things while others don’t even own a . Take time to figure out what makes him feel helpful and like his makes a positive impact in your life.

What really helps him relax. Watching those Law & Order may be your favorite thing to do after work, but don’t drag him into it. He needs to unwind too. Encourage him to do what he enjoys during the little downtime he has.

How often he talks to his ex. Yes, they broke up ago, but it can be hard to completely let go. You have a right to know and to tell him if it bothers you. Of course it’s more complicated if they’ve had children together. Let him know you understand he needs to have some kind of relationship with her and you are supportive of him.

Whether he’s a or a righty. And I don’t mean which hand he writes with. It’s important to know where he stands on political issues that are important to you. For new loves, this can be a deal breaker, but it doesn’t have to be. Look at Mary Matalin and James Carville. For , you will know what topics to avoid when you want a peaceful night.

How to get him to open up. Men need to talk too — just not as much as we do. Work on getting him to share when he needs to, not when you want him to. He needs to know the conversation can be all about him sometimes.

His turn-ons. Some women never make the , but guys love it when you do. If his are especially sensitive, why not nibble on them and let him know how desired he is.

What really gets him down. Whether it’s when his favorite team loses or the anniversary of a parent’s death, you should know what makes your man sad. You can try to cheer him up or at least know you aren’t the reason he is acting so strangely.

That he wants to be more helpful. It’s so easy to complain about all that they don’t do. But if they are trying to be more helpful, we should acknowledge that even if they do it wrong. Then find some nice way to show him how to do whatever it is better.

His favorite sports team. I personally hate watching sports but my husband loves it. Really loves it. While it’s hard for me to sit through a game, he appreciates the fact I try to at least know when his favorite teams are in the finals. Once, I even surprised him with play-off tickets. That was ago and he still says it’s one of the best gifts he’s ever received.

What truly hurts his feelings. And never bring it up.

Married Couples Who Have Sex Less Than Once a Week Are in Trouble

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(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — Every couple is different. It’s something we are all told from the moment we start to consider marriage and , and the reality is, it’s true. Every couple IS different. We have absolutely no way of knowing whether we are looking at a or a miserable one from the outside. The is, there are rarely any in life. But there might be in sex.

who have “sexless marriages” are, indeed, unhappier than those who have plenty of the between the sheets action. But just what constitutes a “sexless marriage”? I know for my husband, if we fall below once a week, he starts to get pissy.

It may sound bad, but it’s true. There is a lot of door slamming and whining and “why aren’t you to me?” But you know what? I’ll take it. There are worse things that can happen.

Having known many couples over the years and having heard some of their intimate stories, I know that every couple has their . Whether it’s once a week or once a year, there is a that is required to keep the magic alive.

Once you fall below that number, you start to feel less desirable, less attractive, and generally less. And that is NOT good for any marriage.

Having spoken off the record with a few friends on this subject, I am aware that once a week isn’t the norm. But every couple has their “hmmm, why are we not being intimate?” moment. For me, I would start to get antsy around two weeks. I would start to feel neglected and like he didn’t love me or find me attractive.

Once you reach that point, there is trouble. And if you go beyond that point? Look out. Sure, there are extenuating circumstances when people get sick or have a baby or travel for work, but in general, even in busy times, couples need to find their magic number and stick to it. If yours is one week like mine, you better find the time to get between the sheets even if it isn’t what you want to do at that moment.

The person with the higher sex drive or who needs it more often is the one who wins in this case. Even if you don’t feel like it, once you get started, it’s usually true that sex is pretty fun.

So figure out your magic number and figure out your spouse’s and then make your sex happen that often. Trust me. It will save your marriage.

Senate passes package to avert fiscal cliff; House votes next

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STORY HIGHLIGHTS

The measure now goes to the House where a vote could come Tuesday
A statement from House leadership made no promises
Under the Senate package, taxes would stay the same for most Americans
It leaves a range of big issues unaddressed.

(CNN) — A full two hours after a , the Senate overwhelmingly passed a deal Tuesday to avert the feared fiscal cliff on an 89-8 vote.

The Senate package would put off for two months and preserve Bush-era income tax cuts for individuals earning less than $400,000 or couples earning less than $450,000.

The measure now goes to the House where it faces an uncertain future in the Republican-controlled body.

“Glad it’s over,” said , D-Nevada, after the vote. “We’ll see if the in the House can become functional instead of dysfunctional.”
Sen. Reid: We’ve reached agreement
McConnell: ‘We’ve done some good’

A statement from House leadership made no promises.

“Decisions about whether the House will seek to accept or promptly amend the measure will not be made until House members — and the American people — have been able to review the ,” the statement said.

A vote could come as early as ’s Day. The House is scheduled to convene at noon.

Sen. , R-North Dakota, was hopeful the House will follow suit.

“The vote was 89 to 8. Bipartisan vote. 89 votes,” he said. “I think it sends a strong message and I think it will be approved by the House.”

What the package proposes

Read the bill (pdf)

Under the Senate package:

– Taxes would stay the same for most Americans. But it will rise for individuals making more than $400,000 and couples making more than $450,000. For them, it will go from the current 35% to the Clinton-era rate of 39.6%.

would be capped for those making $250,000 and for making $300,000.

– Taxes on inherited estates will go up to 40% from 35%.

– Unemployment insurance would be extended for a year for 2 million people.

– The alternative minimum tax — a perennial issue — would be permanently adjusted for inflation.

– Child care, tuition and research and development tax credits would be renewed.

– The “Doc Fix” — reimbursements for doctors who take Medicare patients — will continue, but it won’t be paid for out of the Obama administration’s signature health care law.

– Prevents a spike in milk prices. Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said milk prices would have doubled to $7 a gallon because a separate agriculture bill had expired.

What’s not addressed

While the package provides some short-term certainty, it leaves a range of big issues unaddressed.

It doesn’t mention the debt ceiling, and temporarily puts off for two months the so-called sequester — a series of automatic cuts in federal spending that would have taken effect Wednesday. It would have reduced the budgets of most agencies and programs by 8% to 10%.

This means that, come late February, Congress will have to tackle both those thorny issues.

“We’re going to have to deal with the sequester, that’s true,” said Sen. Max Baucus, D-Montana, “but look, this is better than nothing.”

Reid said the agreement was a win for average Americans.

“I’ve said all along that our most important priority was to protect the middle class families,” he said. “This legislation does that.”

And maybe a bit more.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, median household income in 2011 was $50,054, which is well below the tax cut threshold approved by the Senate.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, praised the effort, but said it shouldn’t have taken so long to get an agreement.

“We don’t think taxes should be going up on anyone but we all knew that if we did nothing they would be going up on everyone today,” he said. “We weren’t going to let that happen.”

All eyes on the House

As lawmakers left the chamber around 2 a.m., there was no sentiment of celebration, more a sense of relief that the vote was done.

One of the last members to leave was 88-year-old retiring Hawaii Senator Daniel Akaka. He walked down the steps bent over his cane, assisted by an aide, but smiling.

Others rubbed their eyes from lack of sleep. It was the end to a very long, down-to-the wire day — and all eyes now turn to the House.

There’s a lot at stake.

If the House doesn’t act and the Bush administration’s 2001 and 2003 tax cuts expire, broad tax increases will kick in as will $110 billion in automatic cuts to domestic and military spending.

The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office has predicted the combined effect could dampen economic growth by 0.5%, possibly tipping the U.S. economy back into a recession and driving unemployment from its current 7.7% back over 9%.

President Barack Obama urged House members to pass the package “without delay.”

GOP sources said House members saw little practical difference in settling the issue Monday night versus Tuesday.

But if tax-averse House Republicans approve the bill on Tuesday — when taxes have technically gone up — they can argue they’ve voted for a tax cut to bring rates back down, even after just a few hours, GOP sources said. That could bring some more Republicans on board, one source said.

Read more: Why your paycheck is getting smaller, no matter what

Concerns persist

Read more: What if there’s no deal on fiscal cliff

The White House budget office noted in September that sequestration was designed during the 2011 standoff over raising the federal debt ceiling as “a mechanism to force Congress to act on further deficit reduction” — a kind of doomsday device that was never meant to be triggered. But Congress failed to substitute other cuts by the end of 2012, forcing the government to wield what the budget office called “a blunt and indiscriminate instrument.”

In its place, the Senate plan would use $12 billion in new tax revenue to replace half the expected deficit reduction from the sequester and leave another $12 billion in spending cuts, split half-and-half between defense and domestic programs.

Despite the progress, the White House cautioned that deficit reduction still requires more work.

“But tonight’s agreement ensures that, going forward, we will continue to reduce the deficit through a combination of new spending cuts and new revenues from the wealthiest Americans,” Obama said.

Read more: Medicare patients may suffer if country goes over fiscal cliff

Conservative lobbyist Grover Norquist, whose Americans for Tax Reform pushes candidates to sign a pledge never to raise taxes, said the plan “right now, as explained” would preserve most of the Bush tax cuts and wouldn’t violate his group’s pledge.

“Take the 84% of your winnings off the table,” Norquist told CNN. “We spent 12 years getting the Democrats to cede those tax cuts to the American people. Take them off the table. Then we go back and argue about making the tax cuts permanent for everyone.”

But Robert Reich, who served as labor secretary in the Clinton administration, said the $450,000 threshold “means the lion’s share of the burden of deficit reduction falls on the middle class, either in terms of higher taxes down the road or fewer government services.” In addition, he said, the plan does nothing to raise the federal debt ceiling just as the federal government bumps up against its borrowing limit.

And that, Arizona GOP Sen. John McCain told CNN, is likely to be “a whole new field of battle.”

“We just added 2.1 trillion in the last increase in the debt ceiling, and spending continues to go up,” McCain said. “I think there’s going to be a pretty big showdown the next time around when we go to the debt limit.”

Great New Year’s dates

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(PhatzNewsRoom / Match.com) — There are all sorts of ways to celebrate ’s Eve. If you’re single, you could spend it in a state of debauchery with friends. If you’re happily coupled up, you and your honey can snuggle up on the sofa, watching the ball drop. But what if you’re at a relationship stage somewhere between single and spoken for? We’re glad you asked! Here’s how to have a great ’s Eve date no matter what point you’re at, relationship-wise.

If it’s your : keep it
Yes, some of us have on New Year’s Eve — it can be fun, festive, and exciting… and, notes David Coleman, of 101 Great Dates, there’s that of a kiss at midnight. “With most dates, you have to wonder what will happen during the last five minutes of a date,” says Coleman. “But on New Year’s, it’s customary.” The bad thing? The of a kiss at midnight. “If things haven’t gone well and you know you don’t want to kiss your date, the strike of midnight can sound like The Telltale Heart.” Not to mention that you’ll have a completely awkward situation on your hands (and lips). So to prevent any “expectations,” Coleman suggests avoiding dates that are tremendously romantic or too formal, like a fancy-schmancy restaurant. Instead, he recommends something more low key, where the pressure is off. “When we act like a kid or a teenager, we revisit a time in our lives that was effortless, humorless and enjoyable.” Think arcades, a , or a viewing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

If you’ve already been on a few dates: make it social but special
Parties are everywhere on New Year’s Eve, but couples who have been on a few dates and aren’t exactly serious yet should skip the ones where groups of committed or are clustered. “It may set the couple up for too much pressure or ,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of The to Dating Again. Hit up the parties where you know your single or newly coupled friends will be, bring a token gift for the host, and enjoy yourselves.

If you want something a bit more intimate for you two and another one or two couples, follow this suggestion from David Coleman and have a theme night — say, New Year’s, Italian style. Pick a type of food and build an evening around it. For example, prepare an Italian meal, watch Under the Tuscan Sun (or The Godfather, depending on your shared tastes), and listen to Monteverdi.

If you two have been dating for a couple of months: ring in the
When you’re involved with someone but haven’t said the “L” word or sworn yourselves to exclusivity, why not use New Year’s Eve as a way to take things to the next level? “If you’re craving some alone time, do something luxurious,” suggests April Masini, author of Date Out of Your League. “Hire a pair of masseuses to come to your home and give you joint massages.” Masini also suggests making a tradition out of giving each other New Year’s surprises, planning an evening at your honey’s favorite restaurant or treating your sweetie to a pedicure given by you. These are all romantic gestures that will make for a memorable start to your year together.

If you two are exclusive: savor spontaneity
You and your honey have probably had your share of romantic evenings — some seductive jazz, a glammed-up meal at an incredible restaurant…what you two could use is something surprising and off-the-beaten path. How about peering through a telescope at various constellations? Making s’mores if one of you has a fireplace or is bold enough to fire up the barbecue on a December night? What about renting an Elvis-in-Hawaii movie and making some hula moves together? Unconventional, yes — but sometimes that’s just what a rock-solid couple needs to liven things up.

Laura Leu is a writer in New York City who has written for Stuff, Maxim, and Sync.

Defending Date Night: Why You Have to Make Time for Romance With Your Spouse

singles+meeting Defending Date Night: Why You Have to Make Time for Romance With Your Spouse

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — I’m the first one to admit that I don’t always practice what I preach, particularly when it comes to date nights and getaways with your spouse.

In theory, I think that married couples’ romantic get-togethers, along with a few other things like saying “I you,” are not only awesome but necessary for a healthy . But in reality, they are pretty tough to execute, especially when you’ve got four kids, a traveling husband, and family that lives away.

But when my husband and I do get the for a night away from the kids, we seize it. And wow, has it really changed my on how it affects a .

As much as we enjoy going out together or, better yet, staying in a hotel without the kids, it’s amazing how easily we can talk ourselves out of it. And worse, relegate those times to like birthdays or , if we’re lucky.

I’m not going to completely blame our lack of alone time on the fact that we don’t have family nearby to help us out. But when I see and friends with who take the kids for the weekend or pop over so they can go out to dinner, I think of how lucky they are. Going on dates is definitely a much bigger challenge for us. For one thing, babysitting is expensive! And as much as I love the idea of a babysitting co-op, which a few of my do, there’s just no way we can burden someone with four children.

Then there’s my husband’s schedule, which generally takes him away from home about half the month total and definitely complicates matters. Usually date nights can’t be planned that far in advance, so finding a sitter is many times a last-minute scramble.

But this time, the stars aligned, and my mother-in-law was already coming to town to help my husband with the kids while I was away on business. So we figured, why not take advantage of the free childcare, go to his work holiday party two hours away, and stay overnight?

Trust me, leaving my children with my mother-in-law is a bit of a scary prospect — not for safety reasons, thank goodness, but more for what they might hear come out of her mouth. Also for what she’ll feed them, which, by the way, turned out to be cinnamon buns, ice cream cones, and a ton of candy.

But hey, while they played their video games for three hours straight (as my son told me with great excitement), and they ate more sugar than they probably have in a very long time, we got a chance to get dressed up, enjoy the company of other adults together, and sleep in until 8:30 a.m.

I can’t remember the last time that’s happened.

And yes, while the extra sleep alone was worth it, the time we spent together just made us much more tolerant of each other, and much more patient with our kids.

So now instead of waiting for opportunities to present themselves, I’m going to make them. Not just budgeting for the date nights, which I’m planning to put on the schedule at least once a month, but the overnight getaways too. They might not happen as often as I’d like, but damnit, I’m determined to make them happen more than once every eight years.

Guy Talk: Housework Equality Can Lead To Higher Divorce Rate

ef367a59daacdd1ea92f4755573e9c13 Guy Talk: Housework Equality Can Lead To Higher Divorce Rate

(Phatforums News / The Frisky) — Couples who divvy up washing dishes, cleaning the , and other house chores are more likely to get divorced than couples where the woman does the homemaking by herself, according to a Norwegian study of thousands of couples called Equality in the Home.

In the study, which looked at 2007-08 data, researchers found that the 25 percent of that shared were more likely to get divorced, compared to the 71 percent of where the woman was in charge of doing all the chores. Interestingly, having men do the majority of the housework didn’t bode well either.

The study’s author Thomas Hansen told “The ” that the study suggests equality in housework should not be the sole of how well a functions. “The main point is that there is little to indicate that at home protects against divorce, as many people think and as is typically maintained by scholars in the field,” he said.

Obviously the cause-and-effect between divorce and housework is not so clear cut. But the author suggested that having clearly defined roles cuts back on disputes about whose turn it is to do chores.

“Maybe it’s sometimes seen as a good thing to have very clear roles with lots of … where one person is not stepping on the other’s toes,” Hansen said. “There could be less , since you can easily get into squabbles if both have the same roles and one has the feeling that the other is not pulling his or her own weight.”

Of course, this study only researched Norwegian men and women; other research in other countries has suggested that gender equality at home actually does make both partners happier overall — and even leads to more sex.

What do you think about how divvying up chores at home contributes to ? Let us know in the comments.

Sex Confession: My Husband Insists On Having Sex Every Day

a5fed61294ba487fab09180d120207b8 Sex Confession: My Husband Insists On Having Sex Every Day

(Phatforums News / The Stir) — “” is a series featuring your naughtiest bedroom secrets and fantasies. Some will sound familiar, others may give you ideas, some will turn you on, and some are dark and twisted. You might want to sit down for this.

Today’s sex confession comes from Anna* (*not her real name), a 36-year-old married of one school-age kid. She says she has a happy — her husband is a great , he’s amazing at saving money, he still compliments her after almost of — but he does insist on one thing that drives her crazy. He wants to have sex every day. He demands it. He says that if they don’t do it, it would ruin their . Read on to hear more of what Anna has to say.

This sex every day thing isn’t new. My husband has been insisting on it since we got together. Back in the day we used to have sex every day anyway. Then we got comfortable with each other and there were days he wanted to have sex and I turned him down not for any other reason than I was just tired and not into it. He was fine with it the first time and we had sex the next day. But then a week or so later when I wasn’t interested a , he got upset. We had this huge talk about how he doesn’t want to be one of those who never have sex. I tried to explain to him that 6 out of 7 days a week is still probably more than most people we know, but he didn’t want to hear it. He wanted us to have sex every day. He said it will keep us close and make sure our marriage stays strong.

I think the opposite is happening. I don’t want to have sex EVERY . We have a child who is going into the second grade, and as any parent knows, kids take a lot out of you. There are days when we have a spare three minutes of time and that’s the time he thinks we should have sex. I’m not really interested in having a quickie in the spare moment between me cleaning up a dirt pile my daughter tracked in and making dinner for the family. I feel like I always have to be “ready for it” and it’s making me resent my husband.

He did give me a break after I had my daughter, but he was the one googling how soon after birth I could have sex again. I’m not kidding. It used to make me feel sexy — like he loves and lusts after to me that much he needs to have me all the time, but now … frankly … it’s just annoying. It’s become a chore. It’s making me not into having sex at all and I don’t know how to resolve this.

What Do Mothers Secretly Want for Mother’s Day?

ec86d8e5e1b713c66eaa82a212ae42e8 What Do Mothers Secretly Want for Mother’s Day?

(Phatforums News / Psychology Today) — As a sex and couples’ therapist for the past 20 years, I frequently see couples who are looking to increase the frequency and/or quality of sex in their lives. I also lead groups for long-married women to teach them about Sex Esteem, the confidence and empowerment program I’ve created that can lead to increased desire in monogamous relationships. Perhaps the frequency of sex which these couples or women are having has gradually dwindled to once a month, or once every or perhaps it’s just that the once every week is not enough for them or their partners. They also complain about the quality of the sex which has become routine, robotic or frankly, boring. Many of these couples have children and are in the of active child rearing. I add the word active because this type of involved parenting sometimes viewed as “ parenting” is much more emotionally and physically demanding in our generation than in previous .

Perhaps this active involvement in their children’s lives is due to a commitment to a‘re-do’ of their own childhood that may have lacked in or connection. Another reason may be due to the anxiety parents are currently feeling regarding their children’s eventual college applications and career opportunities in this unstable economy. Add to this mix the fact that more women are in the workplace than in previous generations so that both the parents’ work life and the children’s school/extra-curricular life become heavily scheduled during the week and on weekends. So who bears the burden of seeing to the many details of family life so that all these goals can be met? Some of the who I treat in therapy are working full-time or part-time jobs outside the home but are still responsible for more of the and more of the executive planning. While there have been many studies researching the between married couples, I haven’t been able to find a study that inquires about all the executive functioning that is utilized to: plan a birthday party, order invitations, remind the kids to send thank-you notes, make a shopping list for Easter, order new soccer shoes in time for the playoff game, call another parent to arrange for a carpool, etc. For the moms who are working full time as homemakers their job includes meeting with teachers and/or volunteering for the PTA in addition to the myriad of details, chores and responsibilities of home life.

The wives/mothers in the couples I see complain of a lack of desire, they guiltily admit to “putting sex on the back burner”, “the bottom of their list”, feeling like “it’s the last thing on their mind”. Many of their husbands wonder what happened to the hot sexy vibrant woman they were dating before marriage or kids came along. They themselves miss the freedom and fun they felt in their twenties. Due to the tremendous amount of testosterone that men produce naturally, their ability to switch channels from putting out the light in their kids’ bedrooms to feeling frisky and reaching out to grab their wife’s derriere as she does the dishes does not take much transition time. In addition, he usually is not thinking about the 10 family/life chores still on his wife’s mind to take care of before she gives herself permission to collapse into bed. Wives need a lot more time to switch hats from the role of dependable, patient mommy to insatiable, hot, horny lover.

So what do you think these moms want for Mother’s Day? They want a day or two off, thank you very much!! Most moms would feel too guilty to say this because “good moms” in their minds should want to be with their kids on Mother’s Day, right? They would want to be woken from their much needed sleep (when was the last time they slept in till 10?) to eat a high-calorie breakfast sitting in bed (while their inner goddess is dying to get to a yoga class), and spend the day going to the zoo (for the umpteenth time) while oohing and ahhing over the necklace she received from the kids. Of course moms want to show their appreciation for gifts and kind efforts however, what my clients do articulate to me is that they want to be taken AWAY from their homes, so they can get all those to-do lists out of their consciousness and focus on their own needs for a change
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The recent SNL Mother’s Day skit expressed what most moms secretly want. They really want to spend a night or two in a hotel or spa (knowing their kids are well-cared for at home) alone where they can catch up on their much-deprived sleep, take a long bubble bath, have someone massage their whole body with lavender oil (who’s not pressuring her for intercourse), eat a meal that is healthy, luscious and frankly far from “kid friendly” without interruption and get a pedicure. After a day or two of this, she then might be ready for someone to slowly and gradually flirt with her, tell her how sexy and irresistible she looks, light a bunch of candles, turn on an iPod with the sexy music playlist already created, and then have someone touch her sensitively and sensuously while being seduced and surprised emotionally and physically. Just like Christian Grey would do in Fifty Shades of Grey . If this someone could be her husband or her partner instead of a fantasy figure, she has gotten EXACTLY what she wanted and deserved for the BEST MOTHER’S DAY EVER! So moms, ask for what you really want, and dads, give her what she’s longing for. More help on this in the next blog.