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10 Signs You’re Being WAY Too Picky

January 30, 2013 By Leave a Comment

7f4e676f7d1e5152d838426ee6068b66 10 Signs Youre Being WAY Too Picky

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — We get it. You want the perfect with the perfect guy and the with the 2.5 perfect children and a . Who can blame you for wanting the best for yourself?

The problem is that there is no “perfection” in the world – at least, not the world we live in. Instead, we make do, muddle along, and do the best we can.

So when you’re dating and mating, don’t be too picky – but don’t be too permissive either! Here are some that you might have impossible standards.

1) You refuse to go on a date with a guy who has in his online profile picture because he MIGHT look too scuzzy.

2) You refuse to date anyone who cannot properly punctuate a sentence. Sure, it’s annoying, but really, who doesn’t extra commas?

3) You refuse to consider a guy’s offer to buy you a drink because you “hate that pickup line.”

4) You dump a guy because you loathe the way his friends act in public – even though he’s very well behaved.

5) You refuse to consider dating anyone who is vegan, vegetarian, or eats gluten-free because it “limits the places you can eat.”

6) You break up with a great guy because he loves the band Rush.

7) You break up with a dude because he sees a therapist, even though you know that perfectly normal people see therapists, too.

8) You refuse to date a guy who has because you figure he’s a ’s boy.

9) You assume ALL men are Mama’s boys.

10) You refuse a date with a guy whose last name you don’t like – just in case you get married. Don’t want to be saddled with a bad last name!

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9 Reasons Not To Date A Mama’s Boy

May 13, 2012 By Leave a Comment

9 Reasons Not To Date A Mama’s Boy

(Phatforums News / The Frisky) — So sang the band Elizabeth and the Catapult. Truer words were never spoken. Alas, ’s boys don’t exactly ring your doorbell and announce themselves. They get you hook, line and sinker with their great with their . Then you see he’s fielding phone calls from at all hours of the days or night. Then you realize he can’t make decisions about real- because he’s so used to her making all those decisions for him. When he keeps his mouth shut while she criticizing you for your arrabiata recipe/housecleaning/, you realize you’re screwed. So. Screwed.

This Mother’s Day, be good to your mama, but stay away those mama’s boys. After the jump, nine reasons to steer clear!

He prioritizes what his mom wants over what he wants or what you want. All. The Damn. Time.
He will expect you to do everything she did for him, like his laundry and packing his lunch.
He’ll spend more of his on weekends with his mother ”fixing her dishwasher” than with you.
He will side with his mother on everything.
He always remembers her birthday. But your anniversary? Not so much.
He’s not so good at making decisions because she’s always made them for him.
He’s used to being babied, so he gets all bent out of shape when things don’t’ go his way.
He’s susceptible to . Not just from her, but from anyone in a position of , like his boss or friends.
She might end up going on the honeymoon with you. True story. It happened to a friend of someone the Frisky staff! (They’re divorced now.)

Any therapist will tell you, issues run deep. Take it from one who knows — that would be moi — kick his diaper-covered butt to the curb faster than you can say “Bunny McDougal.”

Contact the author of this post at Hidden Email Address. Follow me on at @JessicaWakeman.

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18 Guys You Should Date In 2012

December 30, 2011 By Leave a Comment

88d534af1798bcf32b09eeec51d659f2 18 Guys You Should Date In 2012

(Phatforums News / The Frisky) — So, we’ve updated our list of guys not to date in 2012, now we just need some guys we can go out with. Because dating is best tackled with a positive attitude (as positive as one can muster), we’ve put together a virtual shout out to the Universe. Dear Universe, please send some this year such as the ones listed below. After the jump, guys you should date in 2012.

1. The Guy Who Calls You At 12:01 To Wish You Happy Birthday. This year, I received a 12:01 am birthday and it made me feel very important. I had this moment where I was like, “Ohhhh. I forgot about how when someone likes you they are supposed to make you feel special.”

2. The Guy In Your Class/On Your Sports Team Who Always At You. If every time you answer a question or score a goal, you look over and see him gazing longingly at you, he’s probably interested but he may be shy/awkward/nervous. Make things easier for him by striking up a conversation and seeing if he takes the bait.

3. The Guy Who You Feel Comfortable Wearing No Makeup Around. Feeling comfortable in your au natural state is a sign that you can be vulnerable around him. It’s not just about looking attractive, because that’s really all about how you feel about yourself, it’s about being able to be yourself.

4. The Guy Your Friend Was Trying To Set You Up With All Last Year. She tried four times to get you all together for or , but you were just recently heartbroken and he was traveling. Then you had the . Blah, blah, blah. No more excuses. Set a date with your friend and make it happen.

5. The Single Who’s Ready To Find Love Again. I don’t know what woman has shunned single dads. It wasn’t me. Come to . That wasn’t a reference to his children. But I do like children.

6. Your ’s Friend Who You’ve Had A Crush On Since Middle School. You see him once a year at your ’s and he’s still as dreamy to you as he was when he was 12. Stop pining. An acceptable amount of time has passed since middle school. He’s all growns up and single. So, get the stamp of approval from your sibling and go out with him already!

7. The Friend You Have Growing Feelings For. If you can have a magical falling in love with a friend moment, these make the very, very best relationships. It is very rare that this happens, contrary to what the rom-com industry wants you to believe, but if it does happen to you, don’t be an idiot.

8. The Guy Who Plans Fun, Thoughtful Dates Tailored To Your Interests. There is a guy who does this? Where is he? Where?

9. The Guy Who’s Not Normally Your Type. The older you get, the lamer it becomes to have only one type of dude you’ll date. All of us have preferences, yes. But we have to try something different at some point. And when it comes to really forming a bond with someone, it’s not the superficial stuff that matters. Most of my relationships have happened this way — by dating someone I didn’t consider my “type.” Once I got over the Phish tapestry hanging over his bed, I found out he was a guy worth knowing.

10. The Guy Online Who Actually Took The Time To Read Your Profile And Comment On It Thoughtfully. His profile picture is almost irrelevant. This guy gets a date just for making the effort that so many other dudes online do not.

11. The Guy To Whom You Can Talk To For Hours. And not just about each other. If you can have long substantive conversations with this person, about topics outside of your own relationship and life story, that you actually enjoy, and you’re attracted to him. that’s like WHOA jackpot.

12. The Guy You Can Both Cry in Front of and Snort Laugh With. Some guys feel uncomfortable with the expression of emotion (see # 6 on 12 Guys Not To Date In 2012). This man does not. I’m so over holding in my tears or snort laughs (and I do snort when I laugh) to make anybody feel more comfortable.

13. The Guy Who Loves to Cook For You. How ironic that he loves to cook for me because I love to eat. This could work.

14. The Divorced Guy Who Understands What Commitment Is. I seriously don’t care that he’s divorced as long as he learned something from his divorce. If he can articulate what went wrong in his marriage and how what he is looking for has changed, I’m all in.

15. The Guy You’ve Seen Around For A While And Always Felt Positively About. He may live in your neighborhood or be a peripheral part of your social circle. If every time you run into him, you think, “That guy seems cool,” why not find out?

16. The Guy Whose Job/Apartment You Might Not Love But Who Treats You Like a Princess. If he treats you like gold and you’re discounting him because of he’s a bartender who lives in studio apartment, you’re focusing on the wrong things. With the exception of him being involved in criminal activities at the bar or hiding dead bodies in his studio apartment, he is highly datable.

17. The Guy You Maybe Weren’t Initially Attracted To But Suddenly Looks Kind Of Cute. People get haircuts and start going to the gym and mature a bit. If this guy is growing on you, give yourself permission to grow on him. That sounded creepier than I intended. I just meant to say, “Go for it!”

18. The Guy Who Isn’t Threatened You Make More Money Than Him — But Doesn’t Try And Freeload Off You Either. Being a successful woman means that there may be a few unenlightened men out there who feel uncomfortable about it. Luckily, he’s not one of them. But he’s also not so comfortable with your success that he’s living on your couch instead of working for a living. He is secure enough in his own career that he can be supportive of yours and, hopefully, occasionally buy you dinner.

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Once Your Ex Becomes an Ex, His Family Has to Become an Ex Too

December 21, 2011 By Leave a Comment

231cf1dacdcd32249c75ce3633b6137f Once Your Ex Becomes an Ex, His Family Has to Become an Ex Too

(Phatforums News / The Stir) — I missed my almost mother-in-law’s birthday last week. You know how you get the feeling like there’s something about a particular date you should be remembering, like it has some sort of significance but you just can’t dial up exactly what it is in your memory? Turns out, that’s what it was. I was kicking myself all over my own rump for forgetting it.

Because she’s my ex-boyfriend’s , some folks might wonder what the big deal is. She’s just the woman responsible for birthing my used-to-be. That’s only partially true. For some reason, I have a personal of maintaining better with the mothers of my boyfriends than I do with the actual guys.

Even though me and their sons weren’t able to make it last forever, me and their mamas stay in touch, talk on the phone, even hang out — much to the chagrin of the who brought us together in the first place.

Depending on how close you were to your one-time man’s circle of loved ones, the crash and burned relationship could be like going through two, three, four instead of just the one. I mean, you spend X number of years with a person, getting to know not only them and their and irks, but meeting and bonding with their family, their friends, their fraternity brothers, their co-workers, even their doggone barber. You’re immersed into his life, which means developing connections with the people around him.

It’s generally important to guys that the people they , their girlfriend too, especially if they’re really serious about her. So after facilitating all of that unity, I don’t think it’s a fair to abruptly sever with family and other loved ones when a couple parts ways.

When my daughter’s father and I called it quits (or, if you’re really keeping tabs, when he dumped my ), I’d already developed friendships with a lot of his homeboys because we’d not only spent the last three years together, but some of us went to the same college, too. Of course their allegiance was with him — I wasn’t a fool to think that, if they were forced to pick sides, they wouldn’t leave me hanging, albeit apologetically.

But his mother and I were a different story. I think she saw a lot of herself in me: I was young, I was passionate and full of opinion, and I was a single like she’d been for the past 20-odd years. We were so close at one point, that I opted to call and talk to her about things going on in my life instead of my own . Nothing about the breakup changed that, and that made the ex man pretty darn angry. He wanted her to cut me off just like he did.

Ten years later, his mama’s digits are still in my speed dial, not out of spite, but because I am the gatekeeper to her granddaughter and, on top of that, we genuinely enjoy talking to one another.

If it was the other way around, I wouldn’t mind. My mom adores my last boyfriend, the one I was with for eight years who never worked up the ambition to ask me to marry him. He calls from time to time to check on her and she cheerily reports that they’ve talked — even though I’m almost positive she’s never held one conversation with my current boyfriend, much less a secret phone chit chat.

Maintaining a relationship with an ex’s people runs the risk of being awkward, especially when the breakup is fresh. No one wants to waltz into the safety and sanctity of their parent’s house and stumble on the dreaded ex sitting in the living room watching the game or shooting the breeze in the kitchen like nothing ever happened. Talk about cuing the Friday the 13th screeching murder scene music. That’s a nightmare.

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5 Things I’ll Never, Ever Do in a Relationship Again

November 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

d5258972cba1d4468e79f7e0be98d865 5 Things I’ll Never, Ever Do in a Relationship Again

(Phatforums News / The Stir) — I’ve been through one bad breakup. I should say, I survived one bad breakup. With my first . Next to losing my , that was the most intense emotional pain I’ve ever experienced. I remember it vividly: he called me in the middle of the night to tell me that he had a new . I recall sitting up in my bed screaming. Literally. Whole household is asleep, and there I am, mouth wide open, hollering like an infant in a bassinet because this dude no longer wanted me and got a new woman to prove it.

There are several stages in the recovery from a broken heart, like , , and self-doubt. Thankfully, there’s one more: resolution. Part of that is coming to with the fact that it’s over. The other is fondly remembering the good things and learning from the ones that made you want to backslap yourself — like these I swear I will never, ever, not never do again.

Allow myself to be giddy about that . Homeboy and I were together two years, three if you count that weird, in-between stage where we did all the things that we did when we were officially together, like spend time and have sex. When he didn’t feel like being bothered, he pulled the “we aren’t together” card, but I was just happy he was paying me mind so I stayed in that space for way too long. Hell, I should’ve never been in the first place.

Have a baby out of wedlock. Aside from being in love with the man, we’d had a baby girl together. I adore her but I do regret not waiting until I was in a healthy, to have her. My mama warned me not to repeat her life as a single mom. But me and my head-in-my-behind, heart-in-the- self just knew he and I were the exception to the statistics — not thinking that once upon a time, my mother and father had probably been in love, too.

Fail to put God at the head. I grew up in a household where I learned to have a relationship with the Lord. But ask me if I ever, even one time, lifted up a prayer to ask the Father, the Son, or the Holy Spirit if I was with the right dude. I wanted what I wanted and pretty much expected God to fall in line with that and oh, by the way, bless the relationship. Not only was my man my top priority — another fail on my part — but he wasn’t even the right man, which I might’ve known had I invited Jesus into our twosome.

Lose my mind being jealous or insecure. Man, I was a handful back then. I almost got in a fight over him. Me! A fight?! I staked out his room once thinking he had another girl in there. I even had an issue with the guy watching porn because I felt so un-fabulous that I didn’t want him to have ready material to compare me to. As if, on a college campus that was about five girls to every one guy, he didn’t have enough to work with just going to the cafeteria to get a bite to eat. If Janelle now could talk to Janelle then, I’d say get some couch time, get a self-help book, and get over it.

Wait (and wait and wait) on a ring. I learned this one from the next boyfriend, who would’ve made the perfect husband — except he just wouldn’t drop down to that knee and pull that little sparkly piece of finger candy out. We had a ball together and he was a wonderful father figure to my daughter. But after eight years (oh yes, I said eight), I learned the hard way that a guy doesn’t always tell you he’s afraid of . Sometimes he just shows you.

There’s a happy ending to all this hard-knock love lesson learning. My man now is beautiful and kind, and he knows what I’ve been through and appreciates me for the woman my experiences have helped shape me into. But even more important than that, I appreciate me for the woman my experiences have helped shape me into. Janelle 13 years ago wasn’t nearly as thoughtful and fearless as Janelle today is. That’s because, after you’ve survived a broken heart — if you know like I do — you know you can survive just about anything.

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Never Put Friends Before Your Husband

August 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

b126f74d012f11cc6d2f0dd4da7c9c59 Never Put Friends Before Your Husband

(Phatforums News / The Stir) - Remember when used to say, “Always put your friends ahead of any man”? Well, forget that advice and listen to this: If you put your husband behind your friends, you will find yourself without a husband.

A recent piece in the advises women to always pick their friends over their spouses. While I agree with the basic — friends are so, so important — the idea that a woman would prioritize anyone — yes, even children — above her husband isn’t all that great.

When a person gets married, they should be marrying their , and when they do, that person becomes like family. So why would you prioritize anyone above him? The writer says:

are those who will always rally round when you are in trouble, or sick, or you need a good laugh or a or even just to download your day. Your friends are there when you need them. Guaranteed. But with your partner, you just never can tell.

Certainly I deeply value my , but there is no one I value like my spouse. And that is how it should be. To enter into a marriage thinking it could potentially end and one should keep their friends around “just in case” is so cynical, it begs a simple question: Why get married at all?

My husband is everything to me, and I have his back and he has mine. When I have falling-outs with friends, he is there to tell me how much they suck. When I want to be sad about family drama, he is holding my hand. When I have a bad day at work, it’s my husband I call. But when I want to see some he hates, I go with my sister or a friend. When I want to shop or just be away from the family, I have plenty of , but for the important stuff, my man remains the number one.

And I think that is the right way to be. Children thrive on seeing happy . The between the is the base of a healthy family. It’s the most important part of many people’s lives. How does friendship really compare to that?

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11 Things Not To Tell Your Parents About Your Boyfriend

August 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

96197ff477ec1e33c7f4c4266f855886 11 Things Not To Tell Your Parents About Your Boyfriend

(Phatforums News/ ) - Your family is almost always happy when you’re in a happy relationship. But there are certain details about your beau that veer squarely into and don’t need to be shared.

[Editor's note: Erin Meanley writes for the Glamour.com and blog, Smitten. This is an that blog.]

One of my just told me she’d had an “overshare” moment with her parents yesterday. She was filling them in on the guy she is seeing casually — he’s an amazing musician and a really incredible person all around. But she happened to mention that he has a few tattoos and one piercing. By the way they reacted, she told me, you’d think he was a card-carrying communist or something. So she was really bummed, but she did express relief that she hadn’t said something like, “His hands are deceptively small.” Ha!

So I asked my what else a parent would not want to hear about her daughter’s boyfriend. She gave me the following a list. A parent would not be happy knowing …

That he’s ever had an addiction.

That he cheated on his ex.

That he also likes guys.

That he believes in something strange like extraterrestrials.

That he plays video games 10 hours/week.

That he has zero .

That he talks to his mom twice a day (because that means you will never be #1 and the mom will be a wedge (mama is hard to give up)).

That he is estranged from his parents (because if things are so bad that he can’t be near them, then there is hurt and baggage. Even if it’s not his fault, there will be ).

Like MSN Lifestyle on

That he has a record. (As in, criminal record.)

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Shacking Up: It’s Not So Bad

May 6, 2011 By Leave a Comment

6270f2f9a8071f48d66d855781f98b18 Shacking Up: It’s Not So Bad

(Phatforums Blog/ Cyberspace) – The idea of ”shacking” – which means to live together before getting married – was on the same level as cursing out one’s mama in my household. It was not the thing to do. My ’ reasoning? The , “Why buy the when you can get the milk for free?” But in this day and age shacking has its place in modern society, but not without guidelines.

Once upon a time a relationship timeline looked like this: Courting—>Engagement—>—>Cohabitation, and sex didn’t happen prior to the exchange of wedding vows. In those days a woman’s ability to withhold sex from a man not only was an illustration of her chastity, but worked like an extended that aroused the man to the point of proposal. Marriage at that time also held a higher position in society – women did not marry by choice typically, they simply were not chosen to be someone’s wife. In our current society, marriage is seen more as an option as couples make the decision to commit without the rings and , and sex can happen as soon as a man and woman meet. Also, with our society becoming desensitized to sex, neither men nor women care to wait as long as they once did.

However, these new changes in modern couples’ thinking has both its . Divorce and rates in relationships have skyrocketed and the amount of singles still hoping to attract a mate over the age of 35 has grown tremendously. With that said, one wonders where would shacking have its place in the midst of all this?

If arranged appropriately, the relationship timeline could look like this: Courting—>Engagement—>Cohabitation—>Marriage, with sex occurring when the couple decides they’re ready. Why does this arrangement work? Because couples can’t know everything about one another without living together, and shacking is a great way to see what you’re signing up for. During a courtship, both parties are on their best behavior, and are not always showcasing who they really are. Let’s face it: if you’re having company over to your place, you are going to show everything at its very best. But what happens when you’re in a bad or lazy mood? Also, you can’t know what expectations your mate will have of you until you’ve established a living routine with them. For example, your man might want a hot meal every night but you only cook occasionally. You might like to walk around the house naked most of the time. One of you could be an insomniac that doesn’t go to bed until the middle of the night. You all won’t discover these idiosyncrasies until after you’ve moved in with one another.

Shacking is a good way for a couple to gauge whether or not they can live together long-term, but not without setting some guidelines. Couples need to know where the relationship is going, and not use living together as an opportunity to “see” where things are going in the relationship. The latter can create a situation of mutual dependency, but no progression within the relationship. Years will pass and the couple is still in the same place they were when they moved in together. Best case scenario? Move in together after the engagement and wedding plans are brewing. Get some time in living together before you make any deposits on wedding-related items. Know what you’re signing up for just in case you need to graciously pull out.

On the flip, many couples dive right into marriage and two years later are signing divorce papers. Had they given themselves a chance to see if they could live together prior to marriage, they could have saved a lot of time, money, and hurt feelings. Now shacking does NOT guarantee a perfect relationship or a because the unexpected happens – but for a couple with a solid foundation and a clear understanding of their commitment, shacking up could be one step that leads in the direction of longevity in love.

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Things to Never Tell Your Girlfriend

March 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

aef22043fdfe954ed7cb692f80dabcee Things to Never Tell Your Girlfriend

Open & Honest Is Not Always the Key
When you are dating someone it is easy to become very comfortable with being around them. However, it is a little too easy to become a little too comfortable. Once this happens, a guy will start saying or doing things that will turn the slightest wrong words into the biggest argument. Because are based on more than just words, and is as important as trust, being too honest can be a man’s biggest downfall.

Just because you are in , it does not mean that you can just come out and say the first thing that is on your mind. You still have to filter your words, no matter what she says about being honest. There are just some things that you must lie about to keep the with your , if you ever expect her to become your wife.

The Weight Issue
It is no secret that when two people become comfortable within a that they start . Nevertheless, it does not mean you should tell her that you have noticed. In addition, never tell her that she is getting fat. Never tell her that you think she looks like she might be gaining any kind of weight. This could throw her into an unstable .

Think about this… Guys look at thin women, right? Well, if you talk to her about the weight she is gaining, it might make her think you don’t want to look at her anymore. She will see in her mind that you look at all these perfect women but are telling her she is gaining weight. How do you think it will make her feel?

Forget Your Mother…
…So to speak. Never, ever get into a position to have to say that your mother would have done something different, let alone better. While being a “’s boy” is acceptable these days, it is still too much to tell your girlfriend that your mother is constantly on your mind, let alone how she would do something. This tells your girlfriend that you are thinking about your mother when you should be thinking of her instead. Feel free to make suggestions about doing something a specific way, but do not, under any circumstances, tell her it was your mother’s way of doing things.

Never Criticize
No matter how bad she might mess something up, never criticize her for messing it up. If you are in a situation where something needs to be said, do so but do it in a way that will show her you are just “suggesting’ she do it. Not only will she see you trying to be helpful, but she will not see you not appreciating her.

Keep Family Secrets
Just because your family does not like her or doesn’t get along with her, it doesn’t mean you are obligated to let your girlfriend know. Some family secrets are meant to be kept a secret. Most often is the case that a family might not like your girlfriend at first because they feel she is taking you away from them. However, if the relationship continues long enough, she will grow on them. So is it really necessary to make her feel so insecure about your family needlessly? I didn’t think so.

Just because a relationship is supposed to be open and honest doesn’t mean that a little bit if secrecy will kill it. There are some things that are better off kept as secrets, lest you want a relationship filled with insecurity, doubt and trust issues. If you can keep your lips sealed at the right time, every time then you are sure to have a happy life together.

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