May 22, 2013

Representative: Father of Boston bomb suspects to fly from Russia to U.S.

59bd3d748d01af3e9fe5312a8ae297fc Representative: Father of Boston bomb suspects to fly from Russia to U.S.

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

Hospitals: 33 of the more than 260 wounded are still hospitalized
Suspects’ father will travel to the U.S., the parents’ representative says
Russia twice asked the U.S. to investigate one of the sons
Police say he and his brother may have planned to go to New York City to “party”

(CNN) — His older son’s body remains unclaimed. His younger son is hospitalized with severe injuries, and faces terrorism and .

Anzor Tsarnaev is expected to step off a flight in the United States in the coming days after his travel from Dagestan.

He may be bringing along for the investigation into the bombings that killed three and injured hundreds on April 15.

He is to depart for the United States as soon as Friday, human rights activist Kheda Saratova told CNN. Saratova is serving as the parents’ representative.

Tsarnaev has said he will cooperate in the investigations into the alleged crimes of his sons, Dzhokhar, 19, and Tamerlan, 26. The elder son was killed while the two allegedly violently resisted and fled police.

Though they have , no one had claimed Tamerlan Tsarnaev’s body as of Wednesday, the Massachusetts chief ’s office said.

Relatives living in the area have publicly remarked that they are ashamed of the two . Several Boston-area imams have said they would feel uncomfortable presiding over his funeral.

media reported that Anzor Tsarnaev’s wife, Zubeidat, was supposed to travel with him, but she is wanted on 2012 of shop lifting and property damage in Massachusetts, according to .

The family lived there before she jumped bail and they moved the same year to Dagestan, a semiautonomous region of Russia, officials said.

Saratova said the suspects’ mother would not be traveling to the United States, where there’s been an for her since October, according to the Natick District Court.

Suspect talking

Characterized in fair condition at a Boston hospital, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has been communicating with authorities. His father has spoken for hours with U.S. and Russian authorities, Saratova said.

On Wednesday, FBI agents were in Makhachkala, Dagestan — a city that Tamerlan Tsarnaev called home for several months in 2012 — to talk with the suspects’ parents.

The conversation — which included members of Russia’s federal security service — ended Wednesday evening, the suspects’ mother told Saratova.

Both parents have publicly stated that they believe their children are innocent and were framed — “just because they were Muslim,” as Zubeidat Tsarnaev put it.

When asked whether she thinks her younger son will get a fair trial, she replied, “Only Allah will know.”

Russia warned U.S.

The Tsarnaevs are originally from the embattled Russian republic of Chechnya but fled from the brutal wars there in the 1990s. The two brothers were born in Kyrgyzstan and moved at different times to the United States.

The family’s adopted republic has become a focus for investigators, especially given that Tamerlan Tsarnaev went there during a six-month trip to Russia last year.

Officials have been looking into what he may have done there during that time. The young man is believed to have posted videos online tied to militant jihadists in the region.

On two occasions before that — in March and late September 2011 — Russian authorities asked U.S authorities to investigate Tamerlan Tsarnaev.

A senior U.S. official with direct knowledge of information from the Russians said that the case then “was extremely thin,” adding that the European country wanted Tamerlan Tsarnaev questioned to see if he and others had become “radicalized.”

NYC ‘party’ celebration

The brothers may have planned to celebrate the Boston Marathon bombings by driving to New York City and “party,” according to Ray Kelly, the New York police commissioner.

Kelly said information collected from the surviving suspect included “something about a party or having a party.”

“It may have been words to the effect of coming ‘to party’ in New York,” Kelly said.

A man who was carjacked and held hostage — allegedly by the two brothers — just outside Boston last week said he thought he heard the two men say “Manhattan” in their conversation, which was in a language other than English, the commissioner said.

Deadly toy

The brothers used a remote control device similar to those used to guide toy cars to detonate the two bombs in Boston, said Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger, a Maryland Democrat and member of the House Select Committee on Intelligence.

The surviving suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, has indicated that his older brother planned the attack and described him and his brother as self-radicalized jihadists, according to a U.S. government source.

He has denied any direct influence by terror organizations such as al Qaeda.

The teenager cited the U.S. wars in Afghanistan and Iraq as motivating factors behind the attack, a U.S. government official said.

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has been charged with using and conspiring to use a weapon of mass destruction resulting in death and one count of malicious destruction of property by means of an explosive device resulting in death.

Investigators are looking into the possibility Tamerlan Tsarnaev may have helped finance the bomb plot through drug sales, according to a source familiar with the investigation. He was married with a young daughter whom he frequently cared for while his wife worked as a home health aide.

Boston bouncing back

For more than a week, a stretch of Boylston Street– traditionally one of the busiest parts of Boston — had been a crime scene in the aftermath of the blasts that left three dead.

On Wednesday, workers replaced missing bricks and patched up concrete on the street just before opening it to pedestrian traffic. Crews were repairing damage caused by the two bombs, which were placed near the marathon’s finish line.

“I think that Boston is a tough city and it will be rejuvenated and ready to go,” said David Sapers, owner of Sugar Heaven on Boylston Street.

Those wounded in the explosions, meanwhile, continued to recover as well.

Of the more than 260 people who were hurt, 33 remain hospitalized Wednesday night, according to a CNN tally. One person is in critical condition at Boston Medical Center.

In Cambridge, mourners gathered at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology campus to honor Campus Officer Sean Collier, the fourth person killed last week.

Authorities believe the Tsarnaev brothers shot Collier as he sat in his patrol car Thursday night.

Should your crisis be your date’s problem?

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(Phatforums News / .com) — “I was at an awkward place in my new relationship,” Rachel, 36, told me. “I’d been dating a guy for a month when I was laid off from my job. I was devastated, but didn’t know how much should I share with him. On the one hand, I don’t want any secrets with the guy I’m dating. On the other [hand], I don’t want to dump too much, too soon on him.”

Rachel’s dilemma is a common one for the newly smitten. How do you manage to keep your private emotional struggles from bleeding into the of your new relationship? “There’s no easy answer,” says Ken Page, psychotherapist and author of the . “But you can take some time to wrap your mind around what’s happening, how much you want to take, and how your date might react.”

Weighing the risks and rewards of self-disclosure
Typically, new relationship concerns are focused on mutual attraction and whether it’s progressing at an agreeable rate for both parties. But when it comes to sharing information, most people want that to be mutual, too, and expect similar rates of self-disclosure from their dates. According to , author of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, “the rate of self-disclosure — the speed at which we tell people about ourselves — has a huge impact on the course of a relationship.”

No wonder so many singles avoid bringing up sensitive topics during their dates! It seems more marketable to promote yourself like a shiny, one-dimensional product instead of a complicated human being. So, many of us focus on what’s sexy, funny and admirable during those of getting to know someone.

But what happens when you meet a great guy right when something daunting enters your life — such as an illness, a sick parent or child, or a job displacement? Your problem has nothing to do with the two of you, per se, but it could have an impact on what you’re trying to create together.

I recently spoke with several women to find out what they learned from managing a crisis during the early part of a new relationship. Before your next date, check out these guidelines to get a better understanding of when you clue a new romantic prospect in to your difficult situation…and when you shouldn’t bring it up.

If you’re OK with having a “crisis conversation,” follow these three tips:

1. Share only when you feel comfortable doing so. how you feel first before second-guessing his reaction. “I got great advice from my therapist,” says New Yorker Gina, 37. “I met my new boyfriend around the same time that my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders as I put on a happy face for each date. I was scared that, if I told him, I’d be undesirable — me and my family baggage. My therapist suggested that once I got comfortable with sharing this so-called ‘baggage,’ my date would be OK with it, too. He was right! When I didn’t pin the ‘undesirable’ label on myself, my date didn’t, either. We’ve been together almost a year, and I am so glad I shared.”

2. Pick a neutral location, a relatively calm time, and then discuss the issue in person. “I learned that timing of disclosure matters,” says Californian Tracy, 34. “When I found out my dog was sick, I called the guy I’d just had a first date with the night before. I freaked out on him during the phone call during a really bad rush hour in Los Angeles. In retrospect, it was a bad idea. I should have called a close friend first. It wasn’t so much what I shared — it was how I shared it that ruined the chance for date number two.”

3. When it comes to a health issue (an STD or Mononucleosis diagnosis, for example), then by all means, you owe it to disclose information that could possibly jeopardize your partner’s health. It might not work out the way you want, but it’s the right thing to do. “I told a guy I was interested in that I had herpes and wanted to make sure we were careful before getting closer,” says Virginia resident Lisa, 32. “I never heard from him again. He’d come on so strong, but that was a deal-breaker to him, I guess.”

Fortunately, sharing even difficult news like this doesn’t always signal the end of a relationship. “I just had a client tell me that the time her new relationship bloomed most beautifully was when she shared a lot during an early date,” says Page. “It bonded them.” Marylander Brenda, 42, agrees: “I was terrified to tell this great new guy that I’d had a partial mastectomy,” she reveals. “But he was a total prince — and we’re closer than ever now.” Sometimes, sharing tough stuff can have an upside (if it’s the right guy at the right time who can handle it, of course).

When should you avoid having a conversation about your problems? Here are a few clues:

1. Don’t tell him out of a sense of obligation, especially during the first few dates (assuming it’s not a health issue that could also jeopardize him). Remember: you should want to share with him before doing so. “I was having a spell of serious money troubles that was preoccupying me,” says 34-year-old Sharon from North Carolina. “At one point I was about to blurt it out during my date, but then I just decided I didn’t need to share this with my new beau. I didn’t owe him that. I knew I’d get through it. I didn’t want to put it on the table for discussion.”

2. Spilling every detail based on the current “confessional talk show” climate might feel empowering to you — but is it really necessary? Perhaps edged on by talk shows in which people air out their dirty laundry to the world, we think it’s our duty to be walking, talking confessionals. “I’m part of the Oprah generation,” says Washingtonian Donna, 37. “We talk because we can, and that’s not always good. While it can be empowering to share sensitive information if you think it will help him understand you, it can also be a fatal blow to a budding relationship if you share too much, too soon for no good reason.”

3. Proceed with caution if you’re unclear on what you expect from him. It’s important to understand the implications and expectations associated with what you’re sharing. Are you sharing from a “FYI, thought it’d be good for you to know” mindset? Or do you want him to know what’s going on in your life so he’ll understand why you might not act like your typical self in the near future? Making sure a date understands that your personality changes aren’t his fault is a very legitimate reason to share sensitive information. Are you asking for comfort or support for what you’re going through? If so, you may need to make it clear that you have some expectations about how your date will behave after sharing your story. If you don’t, you might end up resenting him for not delivering what you never asked him for in the first place, behavior-wise. It’s hard for people to read your mind and know what you need during your time of crisis, so set clear expectations for both of you going forward (if possible).

Borrowing from Hamlet: If “to share or not to share” is still a burning question in your mind, talk to a friend. Get a reality check to make sure your expectations are reasonable before speaking with your date. During stressful periods, you might not be thinking as clearly as usual.

Finally, ask yourself: if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel if your date told you early on that he was going through a rough patch in his life? Considering upfront what kind of boundaries you’d place on a new date in a challenging situation might help you decide whether to share this information with him and anticipate what kind of reaction to expect on his behalf.

Bottom line: As you think about sharing your personal challenges with someone, remember that you are not alone. The guy you’re dating has concerns and challenges of his own, even if they aren’t readily apparent to you. There’s something to be said for inviting your date into your world, especially if you allow him the opportunity to share his issues with you, too. While timing and how you feel about your revelation are critical (and no one wants to be Debbie Downer on a date), don’t cheat both parties out of an opportunity to grow.

In the end, even if you don’t say it, wouldn’t you at least like to know that you could unburden yourself? “It’s a really good sign if you feel that you could share something sensitive with your date, no matter whether you actually share it or not,” explains Page.

Dave Singleton, an award-winning writer and columnist for Match.com since 2003, is the author of two books on dating and relationships. Send your dating questions and comments to him at Hidden Email Address.

Should Your Crisis Be His Problem Too

33ee4df645ca14cac300815777f4151a Should Your Crisis Be His Problem Too

(Phatforums News / Match.com) — You’ve started seeing a great guy when trouble strikes in your . How much should you share with him about it — and when? Here’s advice to help new cope with one person’s crisis.

hen asked about her love life, “I was at an awkward place in my new relationship,” Rachel, 36, told me. “I’d been dating a guy for a month when I was laid off from my job. I was devastated, but didn’t know how much should I share with him. On the one hand, I don’t want any secrets with the guy I’m dating. On the other [hand], I don’t want to dump too much, too soon on him.”

Rachel’s dilemma is a common one for the newly smitten. How do you manage to keep your personal from bleeding into the of your new relationship? “There’s no easy answer,” says Ken Page, and author of the Finding Love . “But you can take some time to wrap your mind around what’s happening, how much risk you want to take, and how your date might react.”

Weighing the risks and rewards of self-disclosure with someone new
Typically, new relationship concerns are focused on and whether it’s progressing at an agreeable rate for both parties. But when it comes to sharing information,

how you feel first before second-guessing his reaction.
most people want that to be mutual, too, and expect similar rates of self-disclosure from their dates. According to Theo , author of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, “the rate of self-disclosure — the speed at which we tell people about ourselves — has a huge impact on the course of a relationship.”

No wonder so many singles avoid bringing up sensitive topics during their dates! It seems more marketable to promote yourself like a shiny, one-dimensional product instead of a complicated human being. So, many of us focus on what’s sexy, funny and admirable during those initial stages of getting to know someone.

But what happens when you meet a great guy right when something daunting enters your life — such as an illness, a sick parent or child, or a job displacement? Your problem has nothing to do with the two of you, per se, but it could have an impact on what you’re trying to create together.

I recently spoke with several women to find out what they learned from managing a crisis during the early part of a new relationship. Before your next date, check out these guidelines to get a better understanding of when you clue a new romantic prospect in to your difficult situation…and when you shouldn’t bring it up.

If you’re OK with having a “crisis conversation,” then…

Share when you feel comfortable doing so. Gauge how you feel first before second-guessing his reaction. “I got great advice from my therapist,” says New Yorker Gina, 37. “I met my new boyfriend around the same time that my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders as I put on a happy face for each date. I was scared that, if I told him, I’d be undesirable — me and my family baggage. My therapist suggested that once I got comfortable with sharing this so-called ‘baggage,’ my date would be OK with it, too. He was right! When I didn’t pin the ‘undesirable’ label on myself, my date didn’t, either. We’ve been together almost a year, and I am so glad I shared.”

Pick a neutral location, a relatively calm time, and then discuss the issue in person. “I learned that timing of disclosure matters,” says Californian Tracy, 34. “When I found out my dog was sick, I called the guy I’d just had a first date with the night before. I freaked out on him during the phone call during a really bad rush hour in Los Angeles. In retrospect, it was a bad idea. I should have called a close friend first. It wasn’t so much what I shared — it was how I shared it that ruined the chance for date number two.”
When it comes to a health issue (an STD or Mononucleosis diagnosis, for example), then by all means, you owe it to disclose information that could possibly jeopardize your partner’s health. It might not work out the way you want, but it’s the right thing to do. “I told a guy I was interested in that I had herpes and wanted to make sure we were careful before getting closer,” says Virginia resident Lisa, 32. “I never heard from him again. He’d come on so strong, but that was a deal-breaker to him, I guess.”

Fortunately, sharing even difficult news like this doesn’t always signal the end of a

It’s hard for people to read your mind.
relationship. “I just had a client tell me that the time her new relationship bloomed most beautifully was when she shared a lot during an early date,” says Page. “It bonded them.” Marylander Brenda, 42, agrees: “I was terrified to tell this great new guy that I’d had a partial mastectomy,” she reveals. “But he was a total prince — and we’re closer than ever now.” Sometimes, sharing tough stuff can have an upside (if it’s the right guy at the right time who can handle it, of course).

When should you avoid having a conversation about your problems? Here are a few clues:

Don’t tell him out of a sense of obligation, especially during the first few dates (assuming it’s not a health issue that could also jeopardize him). Remember: you should want to share with him before doing so. “I was having a spell of serious money troubles that was preoccupying me,” says 34-year-old Sharon from North Carolina. “At one point I was about to blurt it out during my date, but then I just decided I didn’t need to share this with my new beau. I didn’t owe him that. I knew I’d get through it. I didn’t want to put it on the table for discussion.”

Spilling every detail based on the current “confessional talk show” climate might feel empowering to you — but is it really necessary? Perhaps edged on by talk shows in which people air out their dirty laundry to the world, we think it’s our duty to be walking, talking confessionals. “I’m part of the Oprah generation,” says Washingtonian Donna, 37. “We talk because we can, and that’s not always good. While it can be empowering to share sensitive information if you think it will help him understand you, it can also be a fatal blow to a budding relationship if you share too much, too soon for no good reason.”

Proceed with caution if you’re unclear on what you expect from him. It’s important to understand the implications and expectations associated with what you’re sharing. Are you sharing from a “FYI, thought it’d be good for you to know” mindset? Or do you want him to know what’s going on in your life so he’ll understand why you might not act like your typical self in the near future? Making sure a date understands that your personality changes aren’t his fault is a very legitimate reason to share sensitive information. Are you asking for comfort or support for what you’re going through? If so, you may need to make it clear that you have some expectations about how your date will behave after sharing your story. If you don’t, you might end up resenting him for not delivering what you never asked him for in the first place, behavior-wise. It’s hard for people to read your mind and know what you need during your time of crisis, so set clear expectations for both of you going forward (if possible).

Borrowing from Hamlet: If “to share or not to share” is still a burning question in your mind, talk to a friend. Get a reality check to make sure your expectations are reasonable before speaking with your date. During stressful periods, you might not be thinking as clearly as usual.

Finally, ask yourself: if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel if your date told you early on that he was going through a rough patch in his life? Considering upfront what kind of boundaries you’d place on a new date in a challenging situation might help you decide whether to share this information with him and anticipate what kind of reaction to expect on his behalf.

Bottom line: As you think about sharing your personal challenges with someone, remember that you are not alone. The guy you’re dating has concerns and challenges of his own, even if they aren’t readily apparent to you. There’s something to be said for inviting your date into your world, especially if you allow him the opportunity to share his issues with you, too. While timing and how you feel about your revelation are critical (and no one wants to be Debbie Downer on a date), don’t cheat both parties out of an opportunity to grow.

In the end, even if you don’t say it, wouldn’t you at least like to know that you could unburden yourself? “It’s a really good sign if you feel that you could share something sensitive with your date, no matter whether you actually share it or not,” explains Page.

Dave Singleton, an award-winning writer and columnist for Match.com since 2003, is the author of two books on dating and relationships. Send your dating questions and comments to him at Hidden Email Address.

Is Your Marriage In Trouble?

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(Phatforums / ) – In most divorces, one spouse is caught off guard by the delivery of . That is why it pays, to pay attention to what is going on in your marriage. Getting comfortable with the status quo and taking things for granted is one of the biggest mistakes make. Below is a list of warning signs of a marriage in trouble.

1. You no longer, have anything in common.

Do you and your partner spend hours together under the same roof, at social engagements or performing routine errands, yet rarely engage in ? Living in silence is a primary symptom of major .

2. You can do no right.

Do you feel like your every action is being watched and criticized by your partner? Can you do no right in their eyes? Do you feel intimidated or afraid because of your partners constant criticism? Too often partners will funnel larger into negative criticism of day-to-day tasks.

3. You are the last to know.

Is you partner no longer sharing information with you about his career, personal problems or personal achievements? Is your partner sharing this information with a friend and you hear it second hand? When you become the last to know there has been a huge breakdown in communication.

4. A change in appearance.

Over time, your comfort level will inevitably end that desire to look “perfect” for every encounter with your partner. However, a drastic decline in personal appearance and hygiene by your spouse could be a sign of they no longer care or, are happy in the marriage.

5. Looking for from the problems.

If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a .

6. Arguing over the same subject repeatedly.

If your arguments become routine with all the same issues and no resolution, then your marriage is either standing still or dying fast. You may need the assistance of a professional counselor to help find solutions to the problems that don’t seem to go away.

7. Intimacy is a thing of the past.

A considerable decline in physical affection is one of the most recognized symptoms of a failing relationship. Intimacy is the act that allows us to bond as husband and wife. If your partner is showing no or very little interest in intimacy with you then they are showing little concern for their emotional bond with you as a husband/wife.

Survey Questions:

1. You want more time away from your spouse, even when you are in the same house.
2. You share fewer feelings with your spouse because he/she wouldn’t understand or care.
3. You and your spouse rarely touch except sexually.
4. You have become very critical of your spouse – to her/him, to your children, to others, and/or to yourself.
5. You are carrying resentments toward your spouse. Things that take place in the present add to things that you haven’t resolved from the past.
6. You think of former romantic relationships and feel you would have been happier if you had married one of them.
7. You don’t make plans to spend special time with your spouse. The two of you mostly sit at home watching TV, reading, etc.
8. You complain about your marriage to your friends and/or a parent.
9. You aren’t keeping yourself up, i.e., by exercise, cleanliness, dressing attractively, or controlling your weight.
10. You make hurtful “jokes” about your spouse in front of him/her when others are present.
11. When you and your spouse do talk, the subjects are usually money and children and who is going to do what around the house.
12. More and more you find yourself attracted to members of the opposite sex.
13. You compare your spouse to others of the opposite sex, and others usually come out ahead.
14. When your spouse tries to talk to you about something that is wrong, you repeatedly tune him/her out.
15. You cope with life with compulsive behaviors such as over-eating, overworking, over involvement in church activities (or alcohol, drugs, etc.)
16. You customarily share your deepest feelings with a close friend rather than with your spouse.
17. You rarely compliment or show appreciation to your spouse.
18. Most of your free time is spent in activities that don’t include your spouse.
19. You and your spouse bicker and argue over small things, or your “discussions” frequently escalate into major fights.
20. You feel your spouse should do things your way. You try to change your spouse into whom you want him/her to be.
21. You avoid being alone with your spouse. You are more comfortable when others are present.
22. You have sexual fantasies about other members of the opposite sex.
23. You spend considerable time and share your feelings with a member of the opposite sex.
24. When you and your spouse fight, on occasion one (or both of you) throw things, break things, or slaps or hits the other.
25. You dress or behave in ways to attract the opposite sex.