Beware the sperm-jacker: She’s out there after your man juice. She’s all about getting pregnant and not about being into you. You’ll need to know what the chances are that they’re going to wreck your life by demanding your daddy dedication. Avoid this testicular thief as much as possible; but, in the case that your sperm finds that egg, man up and let the mother know that you’ll do what needs to be done as far as taking care of your offspring drama-free. Be prepared to draw the line regarding your involvement and your connection to her crazy ass.
1- The Lesbian
She doesn’t like men. No, sir. She’s into women. However, somewhere along the way, the Lesbian realized that while she won’t want you, she’ll need you — or at least your sperm. She may come out directly and ask for your contribution via fertilization or the old-fashioned way.
What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? Low, if any at all. The Lesbian will be more likely to agree to some visitation, however, most likely, she won’t want you in the picture at all — not to raise the kid and definitely not for her and her girlfriend (put your fantasies away).
2- The Girl Running Out of Time
She’s a dangerous one because the Girl Running Out Of Time is looking for the “just-add-water” family. Bed you, sperm-jack you and then start picking out the house, the fence and baby names. The relationship train has passed her lots of times and she is looking to derail the next locomotive coming by.
What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? High, because this girl wants the full family experience. Tonight it’ll be a hot date with no need for condoms. Tomorrow it’ll be her big stomach and her low sex drive.
3- The Trapster
The next type of sperm-jacker is the Trapster. She is out to get you and her web is a nine-pound, seven-ounce ambush. You probably know this girl from back in the day and moved on for whatever reason, but she’s still stuck on you. The Trapster still wants you and she’ll flirt and seduce just to get your sperm. Sperm-jacked = baby, and baby = you trapped forever.
What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? Ultra dangerously high. This girl will want you around — but not just as a father figure (which would be the right thing to do) but as her husband forever (which you should avoid at all cost).
Two more types of sperm-jackers next (yikes)..
4- Miss Lonely
With no relationships to speak of, Miss Lonely is looking for someone to cling to. She’s easy to notice as she’s awkward and a general social leper. However, she’s female and it won’t take much if she throws her vagina on you. One night, she may be the Damn-It-Girl (after all the other women go home, you look at her and say: “Damn it, girl, let’s go!”).
What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? Unpredictable, as she’s a nut job and socially inept. She may want you around forever or may not be able to handle a relationship. Be ready to focus solely on the baby.
5- Miss Independent
The last in our list of different types of sperm-jackers is Miss Independent. There’s always the one woman who hates men. She’s not a lesbian, she’s just angry. Her life is full of what a man can’t do for her. However, at the end of her day, she’s wanting that little one to fulfill a need deep down inside. That’s where you come in with your sperm.
What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? None, as she will constantly remind you that she doesn’t want or need a man. Be a man and do your best to be a dad even though Miss Independent thinks she can be one too.