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Why Do People Fall Out Of Love?

April 24, 2013 By Leave a Comment

daf27390eace8180c0b97e54e957d5f2 Why Do People Fall Out Of Love?

(PhatzNewsRoom / BlackDoctor.org) — Love. Most of us remember, or are at this very moment, feeling the raptures of new love. But what about the other side? Many of us who’ve experienced the joys of love have also experienced the unfortunate fact that love doesn’t always last.

Even if you were raised on a rich diet of , you know that “’til death do us part” and “forever” can actually be pretty rare things. Even staying with someone forever is no guarantee of experiencing lasting love.

The ending of love leaves us sad. Depressed. Angry. Confused. Swearing that we’ll never fall in love again. And wondering many things, such as why do people really fall out of love? Is there anything we can do to make love stay? Do some of us give up too easily?

Here are what have to say about some of the common reasons people fall out of love:

Emotional Distance. A sudden need to distance yourself can topple a good thing if you let it. Ken Page, psychotherapist and author of the Finding Love for Psychology Today and founder of the Deeper , has identified a phenomenon that can destroy new love: Sometimes we unconsciously push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing his or her worth.

“When someone is available and decent,” Page explains, “something inside us knows that this person can get to our nest, our soul — the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our gets panicked.”

If you find yourself breaking up with someone awesome for no , check yourself; you might be acting out of .

Lack of . Unwillingness to discuss relationship problems can kill a relationship. Once people start a great new relationships, many forget to communicate with their partner regularly. Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance , says that people fall out of love because they don’t talk through their relationship peeves with each other.

“Research shows that who are able to voice complaints well and discuss them productively have greater marital satisfaction and much lower divorce rates than who are unable to do so,” says Winch.

If you’re in a newer relationship, iron out the kinks early on to keep love alive over the long haul. “It is much easier to address issues earlier in a relationship than later, just as it is much harder to mold cement once it has dried and hardened,” Winch adds.

The key word here, however, is “productively.” It usually doesn’t help to fight and blame your partner for all of the relationship’s problems. Couples fall out of love when they can’t find a way to make the partnership good for both people involved. Creativity and open minds are the stuff of lasting love.

Couples Grow Apart (or think they have). People change or get bored with each other. April Masini, the relationship expert behind AskApril.com and author of Romantic Date Ideas, says:

“Over time, people can change — or more often, they become who they really are. Someone who loved his steady business career may suddenly realize he always wanted to be a stand-up comedian and throw caution to the wind to chase his dreams.”

People evolve; change — and sometimes, relationships can’t be sustained as a result. But if you really know your partner down to the core, the changes won’t be as shocking.

“The kind of change that leads to love lost is always about a buried desire to be someone that’s repressed inside,” continues Masini. “It’s important to really know your partner to avoid this lost-love syndrome.”

In other words, don’t neglect someone you care about. You cannot get to know a person thoroughly right away — rather, it’s a lifelong journey. If you find yourself perusing faraway rental homes and thinking, “He’s changed!” or “I’m just so bored with her,” think about holding on and digging a little deeper first. This can be the beginning phase of an entirely new level of intimacy, if each person decides to learn to grow and try to give that partner what he or she needs most.

Love Does Change

Then again, love doesn’t necessarily have to last decades (or a lifetime) to matter. Romantic relationships can also evolve into dear friendships — and that’s perfectly fine. Dr. Lissa Coffey, author of the book, Closure and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings, agrees.

“We may come together for a certain period of time to help each other learn and grow, and when that has been accomplished, we’ve gotten everything we were meant to get out of the relationship. Then it changes,” Coffey explains. “It doesn’t have to end; it’s just redefined.”

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Your “emotional calendar” for love

April 2, 2013 By Leave a Comment

452492c412dd7eb9532dae80f3899bd1 Your “emotional calendar” for love

(PhatzNewsRoom / Match.com) —- What is it about those warm days of summer that makes even the most romance-averse of us able to get all starry-eyed and ready to fall head over heels? According to Dr. John Sharp, a leading Harvard psychiatrist and the author of The Emotional Calendar: Understanding Seasonal Influences and to Become Happier, More Fulfilled, and in Control of Your Life, certain seasons and times of year profoundly affect the way we feel, influencing our and behavior when it comes to searching for The One. In order to help you maximize your seasonal dating, mating and relating activity, we asked Dr. Sharp for his advice on how to maximize each season’s potential during your search for love throughout the ; below are his answers.

Q: Are certain seasons better or worse for ?

A: Some people make the of waiting for the most favorable of to embark on romance; others take whatever works in the moment. I am for the latter strategy — enhanced, however, by seasonal awareness. When one has “seasonal awareness,” he or she can gravitate to the emotional center of a given season and embrace what it offers. What does this mean? [It means that you should] strive, for example, to be empowered by the feeling of “” in spring, or that feeling of in summer. Even winter offers wonderful for romance, [as it’s] a time for getting close and warm. Summer’s coming around the corner, and that’s a great season for love — especially if you are feeling positively about yourself. Do a little something to be healthier right now. Feel better about yourself and you’ll get in the mood for love.

Q: Is spring fever real? How does it affect peoples’ love lives?

A: Oh, spring fever is definitely real. Scientific research has confirmed that there is a biochemical that comes with spring. That inner restive energy is cellular, metabolic, and neuroendocrine-based, revving you up to make you want to get going more, mix it up, and create a stir. There’s no need to change partners, but there’s certainly a need to harness the expansive upsurge and be the determiner of what you want. This is no time for standing on the sidelines — [it’s] better to get in the game! The big problem, though, is that early spring can feel too discombobulating. So hold on tight and focus your energy in the new direction you decide you want to go. Spring is ultimately about rejuvenation.

Q: Why are summer romances so prevalent?

A: Summer romances are indeed prevalent, and it’s not just [part of] American lore; it’s global. Interestingly, there are two very different explanations at work. One is simply that after the upsurge of restive energy in spring comes the opportunity to put this all to good use. Late spring and summer are natural times to follow the birds and the bees (or that boy or girl) if you are ready. It’s so natural — passions are enabled; people wear less clothing; we are out and about more; sunlight abounds. The other explanation has to do with the idyllic time away from reality that summer brings — or that we think it should bring. A summer romance, like in an Eric Rohmer movie, is a separate reality — an inherently time-limited and yet paradoxically unbounded time in our lives. It’s that “don’t be too serious, don’t worry about it, do it just for right now” kind of moment that we all crave sometimes. In The Emotional Calendar, I advise thinking of each season as its own separate world — unique with its own tastes, smells, colors and textures. And summer? It can be magic: don’t fight it, embrace it!

Q: How, specifically, do certain holidays — or holiday seasons — affect one’s search for love? And are men affected differently than women?

A: Women often want their men to live up to certain expectations. So, a birthday or Valentine’s Day or even a Saturday night date can be a proving ground. But men sometimes resist feeling forced or [put] on demand. I say that men should wise up and respond. Men [who are] determined to refuse, beware: you are doing so at your own risk. Men should ask themselves: What would it mean if I were to buy into the holiday ideal — go with it rather than against it — and seriously play the part with feeling and some measure of authenticity? The trick is always to strive to be authentic — to both yourself and the season. Find and magnify the connection between what is right for you and what is right for the season. If you are able to capitalize on the emotions associated with a particular season — a particular propensity to fall in love around Valentine’s Day, or the excitement and that “special” feeling [that happens] during her birthday — you can really score extra points.

Q: How do the weather changes that occur during certain times of year influence peoples’ love lives?

A: Some people never take a moment to really realize it, but weather affects how we experience our own selves and how we feel in our relationships with others. It doesn’t [necessarily] have to be fairytale beautiful outside [in order] to enjoy yourself and relate well to others. Bad weather, for example, can have a terrific bonding effect, making you want to help a neighbor or cozy up at home. Or maybe a weather-inspired adventure injects some unexpected delight into your everyday picture. Bad hair day? Maybe take a walk in the rain, I say — just don’t try to pretend that weather isn’t a big factor in your life. The key is to recognize how you are being affected. Whether you then decide to try and balance out the effect or go with it, smooth it over as best you are able or accentuate it, it’s all up to you.

Q: How do you advise dealing with a holiday season that might include a negative environment or trigger a painful memory for some daters?

A: The unhealthy thing would be to take refuge in the context of a relationship in an attempt to avoid the pain of the season. Yet, this is actually a most natural temptation; it’s a little bit like drugging yourself. Maybe this is not necessarily so unhealthy as long as you know that’s what you’re doing. But avoidance, distraction, and intoxication with a dramatic love affair trades one set of problems for another. You’d better make sure you understand what your motivations are and be wise to the fact that healthy relationships almost always come from a feeling of personal strength and positivity, not neediness and vulnerability. So, problem-solve in advance for hotspots on your emotional calendar that have proved difficult in the past. A holiday season, negative environment, or specific trigger in the past is likely to prove to be difficult again unless you approach it differently. Taking an active role in [dealing with] this prevents you from being the victim of circumstance. Sometimes having a valid need to do something different — to make a difficult time turn out better — can be downright empowering. More of that take-charge attitude can be a very attractive asset in the dating world!

Q: In your book, you explain that men are especially affected by seasonal sports. How do these “sports seasons” affect men’s dating experiences and their search for love in particular?

A: First, let me say that I know there are many women sports fans. It’s just that classically, it’s the dudes who congregate and do the “pretzel and beer at the sporting arena” or 60-inch plasma TV thing. A big game day is a big deal, and that means time away from romance. It’s really best not to try to control or interfere with this [too] much… it’s primal. If there is enough space in the relationship (and there probably is), make room for it. Take note that every sports season has its own phases; just like a natural season, there’s the beginning, middle and end — or, more specifically to sports, the first half, second half, and play-offs. And just like with a natural season, a sports season’s emotion gets more and more intense as it goes along, and we have to take that into consideration. Finally, remember that some guys may get extra-involved with sports because they have nothing better to do. But with romance in the picture, a better balance may come naturally.

When DC-based journalist Chelsea Kaplan isn’t helping you solve your , she’s making jewelry. Check it out at www.chelseabellejewelry.com.

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Why we fall out of love

March 7, 2013 By Leave a Comment

f893446a91b2be8663ad6951a7100fd9 Why we fall out of love

(PhatzNewsRoom / Match.com) — “When the hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!” sang . We all know the delicious feeling of new love, but what about the flip side? Love doesn’t always last, and its retreat can leave us bewildered, confused or downright depressed.

Even if you were raised on a plentiful diet of , you know that “till death do us part” can be a rare thing. Even staying with someone forever is no guarantee of experiencing lasting love. But why do people really fall out of love? Is there anything we can do to make love stay? Do some of us give up too easily? To understand the of love’s end, we asked the experts’ opinions on the subject. Here are the top three reasons they shared with us:

1. A distancing “Wave” can topple a good thing if you let it. Ken Page, and author of the blog for Psychology Today and founder of the Deeper Dating website, has identified a phenomenon that can destroy new love: “The ‘Wave’ occurs when we unconsciously push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing his or her worth.” Think about how Carrie Bradshaw behaved when she first started dating Aidan Shaw: Aidan was “too available” and Carrie freaked because she wasn’t used to being with someone so open.

“When someone is available and decent,” Page explains, “something inside us knows [this person] can get to our nest, our soul — the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our unconscious gets panicked.” If you find yourself breaking up with someone awesome for no , check yourself; you might be acting out of . After all, real love is a big deal. It involves a , and that can be a scary thing. Those who give in to the Wave fall out of love before they even give themselves a chance to fall properly in love, and that’s kind of sad.

2. Unwillingness to discuss . OK, let’s say you’ve taken that leap and you’re in a long-term, committed relationship. Good for you! Now, don’t forget to communicate with your partner regularly. Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem, says that people fall out of love because they don’t talk through their relationship peeves with each other: “Research shows that who are able to voice complaints well and discuss them productively have greater marital satisfaction and much lower divorce rates than who are unable to do so.” If you’re in a newer relationship, iron out the kinks early on to keep love alive over the long haul. “It is much easier to address issues earlier in a relationship than later, just as it is much harder to mold cement once it has dried and hardened,” explains Winch.

The key word here, however, is “productively.” It usually doesn’t help to fight and blame your partner for all of the relationship’s problems. Dr. Fran Praver, author of The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain’s Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship, says that “when couples play the blame game, they wage a war of being right where both parties lose. It may seem like a strong personality to insist on being right, but in fact ‘rightness’ is born out of rigidity and weakness, not strength.” Couples fall out of love when they can’t find a way to make the partnership good for both people involved. Creativity and open minds are the stuff of lasting love; silence and blaming, though? Not so much.

3. People change or get bored with each other. April Masini, the relationship expert behind AskApril.com and author of Romantic Date Ideas, says: “Over time, people can change — or more often, they become who they really are. Someone who loved his steady business career may suddenly realize he always wanted to be a stand-up comedian and throw caution to the wind to chase his dreams.” People evolve; circumstances change — and sometimes, relationships can’t be sustained as a result. But if you really know your partner down to the core, the changes won’t be as shocking. “The kind of change that leads to love lost is always about a buried desire to be someone that’s repressed inside,” continues Masini. “It’s important to really know your partner to avoid this lost-love syndrome.” In other words, don’t neglect someone you care about. You cannot get to know a person thoroughly right away — rather, it’s a lifelong journey. There’s a whole universe inside the person you fell for, and if you don’t check in with that individual on a regular basis, you could wake up one day hearing this: “I’m unhappy. I’m moving to another country to start my life over fresh, and you’re not invited.”

If you find yourself perusing faraway rental homes and thinking, “He’s changed!” or “I’m just so bored with her,” think about holding on and digging a little deeper first. “At a certain point in a relationship, according to Imago Couples Therapy,” says Page, “each partner feels that the thing they most need from their partner is the very thing that their partner can’t give. At that point, many people feel that the relationship has run its course and they leave. The reality, however, is much different. This can be the beginning phase of an entirely new level of intimacy, if they each decide to learn to grow and try to give that partner what [he or she needs most].”

Then again, love doesn’t necessarily have to last decades (or a lifetime) to matter. Romantic relationships can also evolve into dear friendships — and that’s perfectly fine. Dr. Lissa Coffey, author of the book, Closure and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings, agrees. “We may come together for a certain period of time to help each other learn and grow, and when that has been accomplished, we’ve gotten everything we were meant to get out of the relationship. Then it changes,” Coffey explains. “It doesn’t have to end; it’s just redefined.”

Laura Schaefer is the author of The Secret Ingredient and Planet Explorers Chicago.

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Expert advice for dating after 35

January 18, 2013 By Leave a Comment

4b1d2fd27ab641df86421c8ba13d849b Expert advice for dating after 35

(PhatzNewsRoom / Match.com) — about it: Dating becomes a as you move through your and onward. How do you talk about your past? How do you talk about your hopes for the future? How do you avoid coming across as desperate? We have the answers: We recently chatted with , dating and best-selling author of Find a Husband After 35 (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School). She answered questions from real people like you — about finding love at any and every age. Here is her .

Q: What is the most important change in the dating world in the past 15 or 20 years?
Rachel: Undeniably, the most important change has been the electronic aspect of dating — specifically, online dating, and also email exchanges — where friends introduce friends and network through email. So for those of you who are a little rusty on the computer, you will definitely want to get a tech-savvy friend or relative to get you up to speed. And understand that even if you don’t like it or feel uncomfortable with it, the Internet is here to stay, and is absolutely a part of the of dating today.

Q: I have a feeling that I come across as too needy when I’m just trying to be friendly and inclusive. Am I better off playing hard to get?
Rachel: can smell desperation a mile away, and if you have received feedback that you appear too needy or if you sense it in yourself, then you absolutely need to tone it down. Ask friends or dates (if you have communication with them later), what specifically you did that appeared needy. It may be something easy to change, such as too much talk about being lonely and needing a father for your children. But whatever your behavior or communication that projects a needy image may be, it needs to stop, because it’s a huge turn-off.

Q: Is there really a difference between dating at age 28 and dating at age 38, or is it all just a state of mind?
Rachel: I think that dating at age 28 can be more leisurely; you have a bit longer to get to know somebody before deciding the relationship is or is not right. If you’re a woman who wants to have children, you’re still in a place where time is your friend. By age 38, however, you need to be more efficient in dating, both by increasing your efforts to meet more people, and decreasing the time you’re willing to spend with someone before deciding if this is The One.

Q: I’m at a loss. Other than the clubs, where can I meet men in their 40s?
Rachel: This is a great question! The reason it’s great is because it’s the wrong question — everyone assumes that it is difficult to meet men because they don’t know where to look, but after 35 there is no where, there is only how. You have to use several different strategies. For example: online dating, asking friends and to fix you up, speed dating, matchmaking, going to join new classes and groups that interest you.

Q: What does a single 37-year-old woman who still wants a child do? Are women like me in a hopeless situation?
Rachel: Women like you are absolutely not in a hopeless situation — you’re in a very common situation. I suggest you see your 37th birthday as a wake-up call to mistakes you may have made in the past, such as working too many hours and sacrificing your dating life or staying too long with the wrong man. Consider those mistakes the jumper cables for jump-starting your dating life.

Q: I am told I am intimidating, that I give off the aura that I don’t need a man. How can I change this?
Rachel: I hear this question a lot — it is a very important issue for successful women today. First of all, what you’ve described as intimidating may come across as arrogant or overbearing. I want to challenge you to ask six friends and coworkers tomorrow to describe how you come across to someone you’ve just met. (And don’t use the leading question, “Do I come across as intimidating?”). If you do hear that you’re intimidating, realize that you’ve been given some very valuable information about your communication skills. You need to soften your approach early on, to give someone a chance to get to know you better. So, for example, instead of telling someone you’re the president of a real estate company, try telling him you work in real estate. In a first date situation, simply restating your profession might relax someone and get him to see you in a different light.

Q: I really built my whole world around my marriage and my ex. I’m so lonely now, but just can’t make the leap to dating again. What do you recommend?
Rachel: First of all, you must decide when the time is right for you to date again. Only after you have truly mourned the loss of your ex can you make dating your number-one priority. Then, get busy! You need to clear the path in your schedule — whether that means getting extra babysitters, slowing down at work and not taking on extra projects, or delaying that home renovation. Everything you do and every person you meet has got to be seen through dating lenses, because doing anything half-hearted is not going to get you the result you want. Just as you would when searching for a job, you have to make dating your first priority.

Q: What are the chances of marriage at the young age of 63, and how do I find it?
Rachel: Your chances are as strong as the effort you put into meeting someone. If you put 100 percent effort in, then I believe firmly that your chances are 100 percent. However, most people only put in 20 percent effort. I understand that everyone has busy lives and other commitments, but try to make finding a mate a top priority for a time, and try to focus your attention on every dating activity you can think of (in my book there are 15 steps covering all dating activities) that can bring love into your life quickly and efficiently.

Q: I’m a 37-year-old single professional mom, and I don’t go out. How do I find a date that is right for me?
Rachel: Working mothers may have a much more challenging time, but it is by no means impossible to re-work your calendar and your commitments to carve out more time to spend online dating and socializing. The key is to beef up your babysitting lineup, and not feel guilty about it. Even though in the short term you may not be there in time to tuck your child in to bed on a particular night, in the long run you are helping the child by bringing in a father to help guide him and love him. There are many single-parenting social groups that you should join and you can find a list of some of them in the appendix of my book.

Q: How can we compete with females half our age, the ones men our age are attracted to?
Rachel: That is a very real dynamic in the dating world, and I’m not going to pretend that it’s not a challenge. I would encourage you to keep an open mind, and ask yourself, “If men my age think I’m too old, which age group thinks I’m young?” And the answer may be men 10 or 15 years older than you. Please don’t rule them out for their age alone, because what you’re looking for is , not birthday candles.

Q: Where did you get the inspiration for this book?
Rachel: I was inspired by my first client, over 10 years ago, who was also a good friend of mine: A 40-year-old single woman who was smart and attractive and fabulous, and who couldn’t find a mate. While my infant took his naps every afternoon, I sat on the phone and talked to her like I used to talk with clients when I worked as a marketing director. I told her about marketing and packaging and branding, and translated those concepts into the dating world. Within 10 months, she had used my advice to meet the love of her life. Sitting in the audience at her wedding, I realized I needed to write a book.

Q: I’ve met two men through my kayaking hobby, but neither turned out to be what I’m looking for. Are similar hobbies really a good basis for meeting someone?
Rachel: Well, you’ve learned that the answer is no, so go in the opposite direction and join groups where you have absolutely no experience. For example, sign up at your local adult education center for a class in making furniture, or website design, and see if there’s any difference in meeting people who have skills and interests that are different from yours. My guess is that you will find a lot of interesting people outside the hobbies you already know. If one thing doesn’t work (such as your kayaking group), then try something completely different. Shake it up!

Q: Do men think differently of a woman who has never been married by age 35?
Rachel: Not at 35, but probably at 45, if you want the truth. I think 20 years ago, men might have thought differently about women who were never married at 35, but today, 35 truly is the new 25. But I’m a marketer and can put a good spin on anything. If you are 35 or older, you can explain your status by the amount of time you devoted to your job or education, and all of the exciting things you’ve done in your life during the past 10 or 15 years when most of your friends have been getting married.

Rachel Greenwald is the author of the New York Times best-selling book, Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. She is also a dating coach and matchmaker. She is a frequent guest on The Today Show and has been featured in dozens of magazines from Oprah to People.

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Mirror, Mirror: You ARE Pretty Enough To Find Love

December 21, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Mirror Mirror e1333095507140 Mirror, Mirror: You ARE Pretty Enough To Find Love

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Frisky) — The other day, a girl emailed me:

“I’m worried that I’m not pretty enough to get a guy. I’m single, and want a , but sometimes I think I can’t find one because I’m not prettier.”

I wanted to exclaim, “That’s ridiculous!” But instead I thought, Well, of course you’re worried.

When I was single, I reasoned that being hotter was always better because it would give me more options. The hotter I was, the more guys would be interested in me, and the more choice I’d have in the matter. So even if I thought I looked fine, it would’ve been better to look, well, even better. (And then there is no limit—you can always be hotter, somehow.) And when I thought that I looked significantly, depressingly less than fine, I was scared, because I felt as though I might miss out on something essential.

This is not irrational. It makes sense, when we think of women’s worth as being closely matched, at least initially, with their beauty.

From the time we’re , we’re taught that if we were prettier everything in our lives would be better. We would have the things that we want. Girls become preoccupied with their appearances in an effort to control and improve their lives, and are too often driven to despair when they don’t see themselves as fitting into restrictive and seemingly arbitrary beauty standards. And this is not some dramatic interpretation—it’s just life. Some of us escape unscathed, and some of us are blissfully oblivious enough, and some of us recover from middle school and go on to not care very much, and some of us continue to be chased by the howling, hungry beauty demons into our and even until we die.

My are always worried about how they look. Always.

So it’s no wonder that someone might worry that not looking good enough might interfere with . It sometimes feels like it interferes with everything, after all. And what is more tied to beauty than selecting a partner? Isn’t that what beauty is all about, ultimately–being able to attract desirable partners? Isn’t that the biological reason why we even have this thing called beauty?

Sure. Sort of.

Looking good is an important part of dating. But the critical part is looking good to a particular person who you would like to look good to. It’s taken me perhaps a surprisingly long amount of time to adjust to this idea.

“If I was prettier, I’d have more of a chance with guys,” I thought, shamefully, secretly, when I was single. At the same time I was telling my friends, “Whatever—guys are so lame these days.”

But even as I worried that I wasn’t naturally beautiful enough to find someone great, everywhere I looked, there were real-life examples to the contrary. Lots of fabulously happy, well-matched in which neither person struck me as conventionally attractive. in which the woman was not obviously “hot,” and the man obviously thought she was. Stunningly lovely single women who couldn’t seem to go on a second date. Nerdy , married in their mid-20?s, fabulous women who were happy being single and fabulous women who were heartbroken over being single. Opposites-attract and who looked almost eerily sibling-esque. who’d fallen in love at first sight and who had waited forever. Looking at the people around me, it almost seemed like no rules applied to love. It almost seemed like anything could happen, regardless of what a person looked like.

The thing about beauty is that we are taught that it applies in the same ways to everyone, and that we can all see it the same and judge it the same and experience it the same and value it the same. That is the reason why so many girls and women fight so hard and spend so much money and energy trying their best to look the same ways. Very thin and lustrously-haired and large-eyed and plump-lipped and full-boobed and narrow-waisted. And while it’s probably totally true that these beauty standards exist for a reason, that they are rooted in biology and confirmed by eons of culture, it is ALSO true that often, they just don’t matter a whole lot when it comes to finding love.

Maybe when it comes to finding a sexy one-night stand, yes, yes, definitely, the more stereotypically, standardly hot you look, the easier it might be to select from a larger number of eager volunteers. But when it comes to finding longer lasting love, it’s a different story. And that story is much more about individual tastes and conversation and that mysterious spark that wafts between people and sometimes suddenly ignites.

That’s the awesome thing about people—despite everything we’re told about the way other people should look, and despite all the ways in which we are influenced by our culture, our own desires often prevail. I have always wanted a squishy, hairy man, for example. I have heard these characteristics dismissed thoughtlessly as “gross,” and I don’t admire them because I am so subversive and such a social rebel. I just like the way they feel and look. The belly that my husband is convinced makes him unattractive is one of my favorite features. Meanwhile, I’ve spent a long, stupid, but maybe inevitable amount of time hating my big nose, but on our third date, right before we kissed for the first time, my husband said, “I love your nose. It’s so striking.”

There are men, I’ve seen their comments on the internet, who complain that Gisele Bundchen needs another nose , because her nose is hideous for being “too big.” There are men who have passed me over in a second for my beautiful blond, buxom friend. And there are men who have fallen madly in love with me and told me that I am the most beautiful thing they have ever seen. One of those men happened to be fantastically gorgeous and amazingly awesome in my eyes, and I married him. So that worked out.

I think it works out most of the time. Not just because of my own life, but because of everything I’ve seen, when I’m looking around honestly, instead of through the lens of self-criticism.

Feeling unattractive can be all-consuming, but it’s usually misleading. Just because you feel like you don’t look good enough for this or that or true love or the other thing doesn’t mean that you actually don’t. Because “good enough” is a complicated, indefinable measure that is too easily moved around to accommodate our own worst fears, rather than the reality.

Maybe ironically, though I’ve been concerned about my appearance when single, I’ve felt my ugliest in long-term relationships. Maybe because I had more time to think, and I realized that my concerns about my appearance had very little to do with other people, they were mostly about my relationship with myself.

I don’t know your whole story, girl-who-is-afraid-she-isn’t-pretty-enough-to-get-a-guy, and of course stories are complicated, but I promise you that love is not waiting for you to get prettier. That’s just you, waiting. The rest, I think, has a lot to do with coincidence and luck. But in the meantime, it’s time to start feeling good about who you are. And in my opinion, it’s really important to learn to feel better about the way you look, not so that you can get a man, but so that you can learn to stop blaming your looks for the way your life is going. And then you can be happier all around. That is the real victory.

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Should your crisis be your date’s problem?

November 13, 2012 By Leave a Comment

m225207001 Should your crisis be your date’s problem?

(Phatforums News / Match.com) — “I was at an awkward place in my new relationship,” Washingtonian Rachel, 36, told me. “I’d been dating a guy for a month when I was laid off from my job. I was devastated, but didn’t know how much should I share with him. On the one hand, I don’t want any secrets with the guy I’m dating. On the other [hand], I don’t want to dump too much, too soon on him.”

Rachel’s is a common one for the newly smitten. How do you manage to keep your private from bleeding into the honeymoon period of your new relationship? “There’s no easy answer,” says Ken Page, psychotherapist and author of the . “But you can take some time to wrap your mind around what’s happening, how much you want to take, and how your date might react.”

Weighing the risks and rewards of self-disclosure
Typically, new are focused on mutual attraction and whether it’s progressing at an agreeable rate for both parties. But when it comes to sharing information, most people want that to be mutual, too, and expect similar rates of self-disclosure from their dates. According to , author of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed, “the rate of self-disclosure — the speed at which we tell people about ourselves — has a huge impact on the course of a relationship.”

No wonder so many singles avoid bringing up sensitive topics during their dates! It seems more marketable to promote yourself like a shiny, one-dimensional product instead of a complicated human being. So, many of us focus on what’s sexy, funny and admirable during those initial stages of getting to know someone.

But what happens when you meet a great guy right when something daunting enters your life — such as an illness, a sick parent or child, or a job displacement? Your problem has nothing to do with the two of you, per se, but it could have an impact on what you’re trying to create together.

I recently spoke with several women to find out what they learned from managing a crisis during the early part of a new relationship. Before your next date, check out these guidelines to get a better understanding of when you clue a new romantic prospect in to your difficult situation…and when you shouldn’t bring it up.

If you’re OK with having a “crisis conversation,” follow these three tips:

1. Share only when you feel comfortable doing so. Gauge how you feel first before second-guessing his reaction. “I got great advice from my therapist,” says New Yorker Gina, 37. “I met my new boyfriend around the same time that my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders as I put on a happy face for each date. I was scared that, if I told him, I’d be undesirable — me and my family baggage. My therapist suggested that once I got comfortable with sharing this so-called ‘baggage,’ my date would be OK with it, too. He was right! When I didn’t pin the ‘undesirable’ label on myself, my date didn’t, either. We’ve been together almost a year, and I am so glad I shared.”

2. Pick a neutral location, a relatively calm time, and then discuss the issue in person. “I learned that timing of disclosure matters,” says Californian Tracy, 34. “When I found out my dog was sick, I called the guy I’d just had a first date with the night before. I freaked out on him during the phone call during a really bad rush hour in Los Angeles. In retrospect, it was a bad idea. I should have called a close friend first. It wasn’t so much what I shared — it was how I shared it that ruined the chance for date number two.”

3. When it comes to a health issue (an STD or Mononucleosis diagnosis, for example), then by all means, you owe it to disclose information that could possibly jeopardize your partner’s health. It might not work out the way you want, but it’s the right thing to do. “I told a guy I was interested in that I had herpes and wanted to make sure we were careful before getting closer,” says Virginia resident Lisa, 32. “I never heard from him again. He’d come on so strong, but that was a deal-breaker to him, I guess.”

Fortunately, sharing even difficult news like this doesn’t always signal the end of a relationship. “I just had a client tell me that the time her new relationship bloomed most beautifully was when she shared a lot during an early date,” says Page. “It bonded them.” Marylander Brenda, 42, agrees: “I was terrified to tell this great new guy that I’d had a partial mastectomy,” she reveals. “But he was a total prince — and we’re closer than ever now.” Sometimes, sharing tough stuff can have an upside (if it’s the right guy at the right time who can handle it, of course).

When should you avoid having a conversation about your problems? Here are a few clues:

1. Don’t tell him out of a sense of obligation, especially during the first few dates (assuming it’s not a health issue that could also jeopardize him). Remember: you should want to share with him before doing so. “I was having a spell of serious money troubles that was preoccupying me,” says 34-year-old Sharon from North Carolina. “At one point I was about to blurt it out during my date, but then I just decided I didn’t need to share this with my new beau. I didn’t owe him that. I knew I’d get through it. I didn’t want to put it on the table for discussion.”

2. Spilling every detail based on the current “confessional talk show” climate might feel empowering to you — but is it really necessary? Perhaps edged on by talk shows in which people air out their dirty laundry to the world, we think it’s our duty to be walking, talking confessionals. “I’m part of the Oprah generation,” says Washingtonian Donna, 37. “We talk because we can, and that’s not always good. While it can be empowering to share sensitive information if you think it will help him understand you, it can also be a fatal blow to a budding relationship if you share too much, too soon for no good reason.”

3. Proceed with caution if you’re unclear on what you expect from him. It’s important to understand the implications and expectations associated with what you’re sharing. Are you sharing from a “FYI, thought it’d be good for you to know” mindset? Or do you want him to know what’s going on in your life so he’ll understand why you might not act like your typical self in the near future? Making sure a date understands that your personality changes aren’t his fault is a very legitimate reason to share sensitive information. Are you asking for comfort or support for what you’re going through? If so, you may need to make it clear that you have some expectations about how your date will behave after sharing your story. If you don’t, you might end up resenting him for not delivering what you never asked him for in the first place, behavior-wise. It’s hard for people to read your mind and know what you need during your time of crisis, so set clear expectations for both of you going forward (if possible).

Borrowing from Hamlet: If “to share or not to share” is still a burning question in your mind, talk to a friend. Get a reality check to make sure your expectations are reasonable before speaking with your date. During stressful periods, you might not be thinking as clearly as usual.

Finally, ask yourself: if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel if your date told you early on that he was going through a rough patch in his life? Considering upfront what kind of boundaries you’d place on a new date in a challenging situation might help you decide whether to share this information with him and anticipate what kind of reaction to expect on his behalf.

Bottom line: As you think about sharing your personal challenges with someone, remember that you are not alone. The guy you’re dating has concerns and challenges of his own, even if they aren’t readily apparent to you. There’s something to be said for inviting your date into your world, especially if you allow him the opportunity to share his issues with you, too. While timing and how you feel about your revelation are critical (and no one wants to be Debbie Downer on a date), don’t cheat both parties out of an opportunity to grow.

In the end, even if you don’t say it, wouldn’t you at least like to know that you could unburden yourself? “It’s a really good sign if you feel that you could share something sensitive with your date, no matter whether you actually share it or not,” explains Page.

Dave Singleton, an award-winning writer and columnist for Match.com since 2003, is the author of two books on dating and relationships. Send your dating questions and comments to him at Hidden Email Address.

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Banish your worries about meeting The One

October 19, 2012 By Leave a Comment

703c2f7ec3b33e734c21465f4ed4b68e Banish your worries about meeting The One

(Phatforums News / .com) — Has your search for the perfect partner turned you into a total mess? If so, it’s time to chill out — for the sake of both your mental and physical health. According to Martin Rossman, M.D., author of The Worry Solution, letting go of dating-related stress is simple when you understand the difference between “good” and “bad” worrying and learn how to redirect “bad” worrying into a productive, useful process for finding The One. In our Q&A session below, he fills us in on why we worry so much about finding love, how stress can (sometimes) be helpful during the dating process — and the way to banish dating-related permanently.

Q: Why is the process of searching for The One particularly stressful or worrisome for so many people?

A: Because it’s such an important life event. Deciding whom we spend our lives with may be the single most important decision we ever make in terms of our daily , the direction of our lives, the kinds of children we have and even our future health. Young people today see that half of all marriages end in divorce — almost always a and, sometimes, a very ugly one. They see the emotional and financial toll that divorce takes because they have frequently experienced it in their own family or have close friends and who have gone through it. If nothing else, they see the “musical chairs” approach to marriage in Hollywood and with musical celebrities, and the multiple and betrayals by prominent . It makes it seem almost impossible to find a who will be committed and true to you through thick and thin. It makes it difficult to give your heart away.

Q: In your book, you explain how humans’ are actually “wired” to worry about finding a . How so?

A: The brain is an organ whose chief evolutionary function is to keep us alive so we can procreate and continue the survival of our species, which generally requires finding a mate or sexual partner. The search for love takes place in three different parts of our brain. One part simply asks, “Can I mate with this thing?” while another part, the emotional brain, concerns itself with our relationships and our place in the social order. This is the part of the brain that makes it so important to us to be liked and accepted, and it has a lot to do with our chemical and emotional reactions to people, including who we find sexually attractive. Lastly, there’s a part that gives us our ability to analyze, think, imagine and anticipate the future. It is what makes humans different from all other creatures, and it offers both an advantage and disadvantage in forming our relationships. In other animals, it is strictly sexual attraction to the strongest, most powerful male or the prettiest, sweetest female that drives mating behaviors. But with humans, there are other factors that we start thinking about — does this guy have a future? Does he have a job? Will he make a good father? Or, does she really love me or is she looking for a sugar daddy? Will she be a good mother? Often, the attraction and the analysis are at odds with each other, and that creates internal conflict and makes it hard to commit to a relationship. Ideally, we find someone to whom we are madly attracted who also passes the good husband/good wife test. However, these traits are frequently not necessarily tied together in people.

Q: So if we’re biologically conditioned to worry about finding a good mate, does that mean that, in some ways, worrying about meeting The One is a good thing?

A: What I call “good worry” solves problems and helps us avoid preventable dangers, so it can be helpful to “worry” about finding the right partner — just as long as you do so in a way that does not stress you out to the point that it affects your health. “Good worry” when dating consists of using your imagination to think and daydream about what you would ideally want in a lover or mate. Focus on thinking about everything your mate would be: What would this person look like, act like, sound like, even smell like? What would his/her interests be? What kind of family would this person come from? How would he or she look at you, talk to you, touch you? So, instead of stressing about “Will I ever meet someone who isn’t a jerk?” or “Will I ever meet someone who is drama-free?” imagine how he or she would be in your ideal scenario.

Q: Can you offer some tips on how to do this?

A: Tune into your body and see if you can tell how you would know this is the right person for you. Where do you imagine you might meet this kind of person? At a place of work? Through a friend? A foreign country? A rehab center? In doing this, you should also think about what is unacceptable in someone you’d have a relationship with. What characteristics are you definitely not interested in? Identifying these can save you time that you don’t need to waste when you are looking for your soul mate. By cultivating and observing your daydreams about your ideal partner, you’ll get a clearer idea of what your emotional brain is looking for, and you can be on the lookout for that. Of course, this is a normal part of getting ready for love — we do it constantly as teenagers and young . It’s when the clock starts ticking that we become more worried and less imaginative about what The One would look like.

Q: What is “bad” worrying when it comes to dating and how does that negatively affect people?

A: Bad worrying when you date generally happens as a result of having a runaway imagination and circular thinking — endless pondering on things like, “What if he leaves me?” or “I’ll never fall in love!” These kinds of thoughts end up stimulating anxiety and stress responses in the body that are not only very uncomfortable, they are draining and exhausting as well. When you worry, the thinking brain sends “alarm” messages through you, stimulating the well-known “fight-or-flight” response which prepares the body to protect itself with a surge of intense physical activity to fight off a predator or enemy. The trouble is, with so many of our worries — especially the ones that are habitual — there is nothing to fight or run away from, and we end up stewing in these powerful chemical juices, like adrenaline. The heart beats faster, blood pressure goes up, blood clots faster, we may need to go to the bathroom more, we have trouble sleeping and we become more vulnerable to all kinds of illnesses — including serious ones in middle age, like heart disease and even cancer. Unrelieved worry and stress also leads many people to toxic coping behaviors like overeating, drinking too much, smoking, or other drug use that further heightens the risk of illness, so it’s critically important to learn how to release unnecessary stress and deal only with what really needs your attention.

Q: Is it possible to rewire ourselves to be worry-free (or stress-reduced) when looking for love?

A: I’m not sure people want to be worry-free because, again, worrying helps identify what we want and don’t want, helps us avoid danger, and helps us solve problems when used properly. However, we can certainly free ourselves from “bad,” futile, unproductive worry. Mark Twain said, “I have known many troubles in my life, most of which never happened.” Studies show that 85 percent of the time the things we worry about do not happen, and even when they do, 79 percent of people say they handled them better than they thought they would. A bad worrying habit comes from letting your imagination run away with fearful thoughts. It’s like owning a powerful car without really knowing how to drive — it’s dangerous! The good news is that you can (and should) use your imagination for solving problems rather than creating them. Doing those types of imagination exercises I mentioned previously can eliminate a huge percentage of your everyday worry and stress while looking for love. By imagining what you could have instead of what you think you won’t, you’ll take control of — and hopefully eliminate — your stress.

Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor of www.thefamilygroove.com and regularly appears as a guest on XM Radio’s “Broad Minded.” Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.chelseakaplan.com.

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3 love lessons from his first marriage

September 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment

f63f9092f5bf74012c547cae82a1aeb9 3 love lessons from his first marriage

(Phatforums News / .com) — When it comes to guys remarrying, the response from their is often: “wow…really?” There’s an odd against guys a second time. After all, famously said: “You were out… why would you go back in?” But in a world where even Howard Stern found that life as a was too empty, we need to understand that guys do want love, marriage and the whole domestic lifestyle — as long as it’s done right.

So if a guy’s been burned once, how can he avoid repeating the same mistakes? On an episode of Modern Family, (played by the voluptuous ) berated her husband, saying: “I’m the second wife, Jay. Why do you insist on treating me like the first?” It’s funny because one thing guys are supposed to finally get after their first marriage falls apart is to take nothing for granted!

Lesson #1: Focus on finding the best match for you, not just your ex’s opposite
What else can guys learn from a failed first marriage? According to , a dating coach and author of Why You’re Still Single, lesson one is not to play ping-pong with your heart. “People tend to go to the opposite end of the spectrum in a second relationship, and that’s a mistake,” he says. “You had zero passion, so you go for 100% passion — and when that feeling wears off 18 to 24 months later, you’re left with someone you don’t have a lot in common with and you end up having to pick up the pieces all over again.” But it doesn’t have to be that way. Look for ways in which you were complicit in the breakup of your first marriage — even if it was just to the reasons why she was wrong for you — and look for someone who’s a better overall match, not simply the total opposite of your ex.

Lesson #2: and communication are crucial for a healthy relationship
Joe F., of Sausalito, CA, learned a lot from his first marriage. “The biggest lesson I learned was not to lie,” he says. “The first person you deceive is yourself.” His current marriage is much more open — even when it leads to difficult conversations. After all, Joe concedes, it’s better to have those discussions with your wife than with her lawyer. As a parent, he also notes one important lesson he learned from a long-term relationship that occurred between his first and second marriage: “Make dates with your kids that include real face time spent doing something together (not a movie). And if having a great relationship with your kids bothers your partner, well, you’ve got the wrong woman there — don’t marry her.”

In the end, Joe quips, “you never really know a woman until you have divorced her at least once.” It’s funny, but there’s also a grain of truth in Joe’s remark: “Marriage and divorce are very educational, but the tuition is too high,” he says. “I believe I’ve found the right partner now because I really understand her — [and that’s] because of how much I learned in my previous relationships.”

Lesson #3: Love means accepting your partner as-is, no changes required
After 17 years of marriage, Scott U. of El Cerrito, CA, took away one valuable lesson: “My new wife and I are both around 50, age-wise, and I doubt we’re going to change our behaviors in large ways. Life with her is more about acceptance. She’s spent years becoming this person, and I have, too.” After all, why would Scott try to change someone he loved enough to marry in the first place? That’s nothing but a power play, he notes — a dynamic he’s avoiding this time around.

The other thing Scott learned echoes Katz’s advice: “The things that attract us to other people are the [same] things that later drive us away,” he says. “With my first wife, I was drawn to a more serious, grounded, reliable person, and she seemed to see me as being frivolous, spontaneous and nonconformist. Some people can make that work, but we couldn’t — and I think that in the end we were both good people who just needed different partners.”

Put more simply, Randy H. of San Francisco, CA, says: “If you’ve got cold feet, that’s your instincts telling you to back out while you have the chance. It’s OK to wait until you meet the right person… [which is] someone who doesn’t feel like he or she has to fix you.” (In the interest of full disclosure, Randy’s my husband.) Aww!

For the other side of the story, read Love lessons from her first marriage.

Amy Keyishian has written for Cosmopolitan and other national magazines.

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Should Your Crisis Be His Problem Too

July 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

33ee4df645ca14cac300815777f4151a Should Your Crisis Be His Problem Too

(Phatforums News / .com) — You’ve started seeing a great guy when trouble strikes in your . How much should you share with him about it — and when? Here’s advice to help new cope with one person’s crisis.

hen asked about her , “I was at an awkward place in my new relationship,” Washingtonian Rachel, 36, told me. “I’d been dating a guy for a month when I was laid off from my job. I was devastated, but didn’t know how much should I share with him. On the one hand, I don’t want any secrets with the guy I’m dating. On the other [hand], I don’t want to dump too much, too soon on him.”

Rachel’s dilemma is a common one for the newly smitten. How do you manage to keep your personal from bleeding into the honeymoon period of your new relationship? “There’s no easy answer,” says Ken Page, psychotherapist and author of the Finding Love . “But you can take some time to wrap your mind around what’s happening, how much risk you want to take, and how your date might react.”

Weighing the risks and rewards of self-disclosure with someone new
Typically, new are focused on and whether it’s progressing at an agreeable rate for both parties. But when it comes to sharing information,

Gauge how you feel first before second-guessing his reaction.
most people want that to be mutual, too, and expect similar rates of self-disclosure from their dates. According to Theo Pauline Nestor, author of How to Alone in a King-Size Bed, “the rate of self-disclosure — the speed at which we tell people about ourselves — has a huge impact on the course of a relationship.”

No wonder so many singles avoid bringing up sensitive topics during their dates! It seems more marketable to promote yourself like a shiny, one-dimensional product instead of a complicated human being. So, many of us focus on what’s sexy, funny and admirable during those initial stages of getting to know someone.

But what happens when you meet a great guy right when something daunting enters your life — such as an illness, a sick parent or child, or a job displacement? Your problem has nothing to do with the two of you, per se, but it could have an impact on what you’re trying to create together.

I recently spoke with several women to find out what they learned from managing a crisis during the early part of a new relationship. Before your next date, check out these guidelines to get a better understanding of when you clue a new romantic prospect in to your difficult situation…and when you shouldn’t bring it up.

If you’re OK with having a “crisis conversation,” then…

Share when you feel comfortable doing so. Gauge how you feel first before second-guessing his reaction. “I got great advice from my therapist,” says New Yorker Gina, 37. “I met my new boyfriend around the same time that my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders as I put on a happy face for each date. I was scared that, if I told him, I’d be undesirable — me and my family baggage. My therapist suggested that once I got comfortable with sharing this so-called ‘baggage,’ my date would be OK with it, too. He was right! When I didn’t pin the ‘undesirable’ label on myself, my date didn’t, either. We’ve been together almost a year, and I am so glad I shared.”

Pick a neutral location, a relatively calm time, and then discuss the issue in person. “I learned that timing of disclosure matters,” says Californian Tracy, 34. “When I found out my dog was sick, I called the guy I’d just had a first date with the night before. I freaked out on him during the phone call during a really bad rush hour in Los Angeles. In retrospect, it was a bad idea. I should have called a close friend first. It wasn’t so much what I shared — it was how I shared it that ruined the chance for date number two.”
When it comes to a health issue (an STD or Mononucleosis diagnosis, for example), then by all means, you owe it to disclose information that could possibly jeopardize your partner’s health. It might not work out the way you want, but it’s the right thing to do. “I told a guy I was interested in that I had herpes and wanted to make sure we were careful before getting closer,” says Virginia resident Lisa, 32. “I never heard from him again. He’d come on so strong, but that was a deal-breaker to him, I guess.”

Fortunately, sharing even difficult news like this doesn’t always signal the end of a

It’s hard for people to read your mind.
relationship. “I just had a client tell me that the time her new relationship bloomed most beautifully was when she shared a lot during an early date,” says Page. “It bonded them.” Marylander Brenda, 42, agrees: “I was terrified to tell this great new guy that I’d had a partial mastectomy,” she reveals. “But he was a total prince — and we’re closer than ever now.” Sometimes, sharing tough stuff can have an upside (if it’s the right guy at the right time who can handle it, of course).

When should you avoid having a conversation about your problems? Here are a few clues:

Don’t tell him out of a sense of obligation, especially during the first few dates (assuming it’s not a health issue that could also jeopardize him). Remember: you should want to share with him before doing so. “I was having a spell of serious money troubles that was preoccupying me,” says 34-year-old Sharon from North Carolina. “At one point I was about to blurt it out during my date, but then I just decided I didn’t need to share this with my new beau. I didn’t owe him that. I knew I’d get through it. I didn’t want to put it on the table for discussion.”

Spilling every detail based on the current “confessional talk show” climate might feel empowering to you — but is it really necessary? Perhaps edged on by talk shows in which people air out their dirty laundry to the world, we think it’s our duty to be walking, talking confessionals. “I’m part of the Oprah generation,” says Washingtonian Donna, 37. “We talk because we can, and that’s not always good. While it can be empowering to share sensitive information if you think it will help him understand you, it can also be a fatal blow to a budding relationship if you share too much, too soon for no good reason.”

Proceed with caution if you’re unclear on what you expect from him. It’s important to understand the implications and expectations associated with what you’re sharing. Are you sharing from a “FYI, thought it’d be good for you to know” mindset? Or do you want him to know what’s going on in your life so he’ll understand why you might not act like your typical self in the near future? Making sure a date understands that your personality changes aren’t his fault is a very legitimate reason to share sensitive information. Are you asking for comfort or support for what you’re going through? If so, you may need to make it clear that you have some expectations about how your date will behave after sharing your story. If you don’t, you might end up resenting him for not delivering what you never asked him for in the first place, behavior-wise. It’s hard for people to read your mind and know what you need during your time of crisis, so set clear expectations for both of you going forward (if possible).

Borrowing from Hamlet: If “to share or not to share” is still a burning question in your mind, talk to a friend. Get a reality check to make sure your expectations are reasonable before speaking with your date. During stressful periods, you might not be thinking as clearly as usual.

Finally, ask yourself: if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel if your date told you early on that he was going through a rough patch in his life? Considering upfront what kind of boundaries you’d place on a new date in a challenging situation might help you decide whether to share this information with him and anticipate what kind of reaction to expect on his behalf.

Bottom line: As you think about sharing your personal challenges with someone, remember that you are not alone. The guy you’re dating has concerns and challenges of his own, even if they aren’t readily apparent to you. There’s something to be said for inviting your date into your world, especially if you allow him the opportunity to share his issues with you, too. While timing and how you feel about your revelation are critical (and no one wants to be Debbie Downer on a date), don’t cheat both parties out of an opportunity to grow.

In the end, even if you don’t say it, wouldn’t you at least like to know that you could unburden yourself? “It’s a really good sign if you feel that you could share something sensitive with your date, no matter whether you actually share it or not,” explains Page.

Dave Singleton, an award-winning writer and columnist for Match.com since 2003, is the author of two books on dating and relationships. Send your dating questions and comments to him at Hidden Email Address.

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Dating Don’ts: 13 Signs That He’ll Be A Bad Partner

June 7, 2012 By Leave a Comment

3c047378e2c1b44df646a1c295fb5bec Dating Don’ts: 13 Signs That He’ll Be A Bad Partner

If there’s any deeper message to be extracted from “Love In The Wild,” which premieres tonight 9/8c on , it’s that you don’t want to get stuck in a snake pit with a ass partner. is key on the dating competition show, in which and women pair off into and compete for a trip around the world – that can be trusted to be loyal is the best chance they have to at achieving victory in the end (and to boot). The same can be said of long-term relationships in the . The about competing in life-threatening challenges is that a person reveals their right away. These things are not quite as easy to discern at a as they are when bungee jumping off a mountain. But there are clues that you can pay attention to that will let you know if he’s the kind of guy you’d want to go kayaking through the rain forest with … or endure a weekend at his parents’ together. Equally as dangerous! After the jump, some signs that he won’t be a great partner — “Love in the Wild” contestants, take notes!

1. You tell him you’re sick and he doesn’t offer to bring you soup or check up on you the next day to see how you’re feeling. God forbid you really needed serious taking care of, you wouldn’t want to have to rely on him.

2. He forgets stories you tell him about your friends and family. So he either has a listening problem or isn’t invested in learning about the things that are important to you. Either way, Meh.

3. He is hard to reach, always losing his phone, or gets back to you inconsistently. Cross him off the list as your emergency contact.

4. When you’re upset, he doesn’t know how to comfort you and just shuts down. Considering there are going to be countless moments in your life where you’ll need your partner to be there for you emotionally, this is not a positive portend.

5. All the plants in his apartment are dead. As a plant lover, I find this egregious. At the very least, anyone can keep a cactus alive.

6. He never makes any plans for the two of you and just expects you to come up with all the ideas. Eventually this will get old, especially if you have kids together.

7. He gets himself a drink or a bite to eat but doesn’t ask if you want something. A sign that he’s not attuned to your needs. He probably doesn’t notice when you’re cold either.

8. He spells your name wrong. There’s no excuse for this.

9. He doesn’t think about you in big decisions he makes — like where he’s going to move next, or whether or not to get a pet you’re allergic to. Translation, he’s not thinking about you being part of his life in the long term.

10. If you tell him something that is bothering you or ask him to change his behavior, he twists it around to make it seem like it’s your problem. Resolving issues with this person will be like chasing your tail for all eternity.

11. He is irresponsible with money, but refuses to change his ways. This will become a big problem if you’re ever trying to make a large purchase together.

12. He has a treatable problem, such as depression or OCD, but refuses to seek treatment. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be the best person they can be? You don’t even need to answer because I know what you’ll say.

13. He makes condescending comments about women getting fat and haggard when they are older. It will sure be fun to grow old with him!

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