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More Young People Delay Sex, Try Oral Sex First, CDC Says

March 5, 2011 By Leave a Comment

dab916c5293fd5e6e9a9c4d36c726e02 More Young People Delay Sex, Try Oral Sex First, CDC Says

report also finds same- encounters more common for women than men

THURSDAY, March 3 (HealthDay News) — More young people are waiting to have sex, and more women than men are engaging in same-sex encounters, according to a new report detailing Americans’ evolving sexual behaviors and preferences.

In statistics compiled from interviews with 13,500 men and women aged 15 to 44, the 2006-2008 National Survey of Growth also indicates that more than half of young people under age 24 who have had oral sex did so before having vaginal intercourse.

Other revelations from the survey, released March 3 by the National Center for Statistics of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, include three times as many women over 18 reporting being bisexual as men.

The CDC estimates that 19 million sexually transmitted infections occur each year, along with 50,000 new diagnoses of HIV infection. One function of the report is to provide public health researchers with information to develop prevention strategies targeting high-risk groups, lead author Anjani Chandra said.

“Traditionally, people tend to focus on vaginal intercourse, but they sort of forget about other types of sexual behavior,” said Chandra, a health scientist at the National Center for Health Statistics, which last released a similar report using data from 2002.

Some of the findings include:

* More young people reported never having any sexual contact with another person. In 2002, about 22 percent of youths aged 15 to 24 said they fit this description, while 27 percent of males and 29 percent of females did so in 2006-2008.
* White youths aged 15 to 24 were more likely (57 percent) than blacks or Hispanics of the same age (39 percent) to report engaging in oral sex before ever having intercourse.
* Twice as many women (12.5 percent) reported any same-sex contact as men (5.2 percent), a number that held steady since 2002.
* About 3.5 percent of women reported they were bisexual, compared to 1.1 percent of men. About 1.1 percent of women and 1.7 percent of men said they were homosexual.
* About 35 percent of females and 44 percent of males reported ever having anal sex with an opposite-sex partner.

Bill Albert, chief program for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned , said he is encouraged by the disclosure that more young people have had no sexual contact.

“The adult view is, when it comes to teens and sex . . . that things are bad and getting worse,” Albert said. “I don’t want to be Pollyanna-ish and say that there’s nothing but good news here, but by and large the news is good.”

But Albert said he believes that the statistics indicating most youths are engaging in oral sex before intercourse may be nebulous.

“What is ‘before’ — an hour, or two days? My strong suspicion here is that sexual activity tends to co-occur . . . they’re probably going to have vaginal sex shortly thereafter,” he said. “For some young people, they’re running the bases backwards. They used to go from more casual to more intimate, but that’s not necessarily the case these days.”

Sexuality expert Dr. Jennifer Berman said it’s not surprising that young people engage in oral sex first because it’s now considered a way to gain status and prestige among their peers.

Also, “It often has to do with sexual education or the lack thereof,” said Berman, director of the Berman Women’s Wellness Center in , Calif. “Young people don’t perceive oral sex as sex and think they’re still virgins if there’s no penetration.”

Chandra and Berman had very different takes on why twice as many women reported same-sex contact as men.

“Whether [the discrepancy] is real or they simply have a higher comfort level reporting that, I can’t say,” Chandra said. “Their comfort . . . may bolster their honesty and disclosure level.”

Berman said she feels the disclosure is genuine, but fueled by societal forces.

“In the [sexuality] field and in L.A., we think that same-sex experiences with women are a lot of times related to drugs and alcohol,” she said, “or designed and choreographed for men’s pleasure.”

Berman was critical of the scope and structure of the national report, saying it “left out very productive, active generations” by excluding participants 45 and older and omitting details about sexual habits such as the use of contraceptives, lubricants or sex toys.

“It’s an interesting sample,” she said. But, “it certainly doesn’t enable people in the field to form valid conclusions . . . or form systems or supports.”

More information

For more on sexual attraction and orientation, visit the Nemours Foundation.

SOURCES: Anjani Chandra, Ph.D., health scientist, U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics; Bill Albert, chief program officer, National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy; Jennifer Berman, M.D., director, Berman Women’s Wellness Center, Beverly Hills, Calif.; March 3, 2011, National Center for Health Statistics, report, Sexual Behavior, Sexual Attraction, and Sexual Identity in the United States: Data from the 2006-2008 National Survey of Family Growth

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Troops kill Tripoli protesters as revolt swells

February 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

3657ba7a1277cebfa07f6b7896c4c0b2 Troops kill Tripoli protesters as revolt swells

(Reuters) – forces shot dead two protesters in the Libyan capital Tripoli on Friday, Al Jazeera television reported, as a popular uprising against Muammar Gaddafi closed in on his main power base.

Pro-Gaddafi forces opened fire after hundreds of people in the Janzour district in western Tripoli started a protest march after Friday prayers, a resident, who asked not to be identified, told Reuters in an email.

He said protesters were also shouting anti-Gaddafi slogans in Fashloum in the city’s east, and another resident said security forces had fired into the air there.

Al Jazeera said two people had been killed and several wounded in heavy shooting in several districts.

Tripoli and the surrounding area, where Gaddafi’s forces had managed to stifle earlier protests, appear to be his last main stronghold as the revolt that has put the east under rebel control has also reportedly advanced through the west.

Zawiyah, an oil refining town on the main coastal highway 50 km (30 miles) west of Tripoli, has on successive nights fought off attempts by government forces to take control, said witnesses who fled across the Tunisian border at Ras Jdir.

“There are corpses everywhere … It’s a war in the true sense of the word,” said Akila Jmaa, who crossed into Tunisia on Friday after traveling from the town.

Saeed Mustafa, who also drove through the town, said:

“There are and police checkpoints around Zawiyah but there is no presence inside.”

REBEL CONTROL

Army and police in the eastern city of Adjabiya told Al Jazeera television they had gone over to the opposition.

Other reports say the third city, Misrata, 200 km east of Tripoli, is also under rebel control. Such reports are hard to verify, with foreign correspondents unable to travel around western Libya, and telephone and broadband connections poor.

But Gaddafi’s son Saif al-Islam said the government was in control of the west, south and center, and that his family had no intention of leaving.

“We have plans A, B and C. Plan A is to live and die in Libya. Plan B is to live and die in Libya. Plan C is to live and die in Libya,” he told Turkey’s CNN Turk television.

People in Benghazi, under rebel control, said friends in Tripoli had told them protesters had demonstrated at mosques throughout Tripoli and planned to converge on Green Square.

“At around 14:10 pm (7:10 a.m. EST), hundreds of protesters at the Slatnah Mosque in the Shargia district of Janzour were chanting anti-Gaddafi slogans, such as ‘With our souls, with our blood we protect Benghazi!’,” the Tripoli resident said.

Hadar, a businessman who declined to give his full name, told Reuters by telephone: “I saw two men fall down and someone told me they were shot in the head.”

Ali, another businessman who declined to give his full name, told Reuters by phone that he was standing with a crowd near a mosque on a road leading to Green Square.

“They just started shooting people. People are being killed by snipers but I don’t know how many are dead,” he said.

U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights Navi Pillay said “thousands” may have been killed or injured by Gaddafi’s forces in the uprising, and called for international intervention to protect civilians.

OIL FACILITIES

The rebels who have seized Libya’s east said they controlled almost all oil facilities east of the Ras Lanuf terminal. A Reuters reporter saw that the other main terminal, Marsa el Brega, was in rebel control, with soldiers securing the port.

Industry sources said oil shipments were near standstill.

Prosecutor-general Abdul-Rahman al-Abbar became the latest senior official to resign, and told al Arabiya television he was joining the opposition.

In the first practical attempt to enroll the support of Libya’s 6 million citizens since the uprising began, state television announced the government was raising wages and food subsidies and ordering special allowances for all families.

Gaddafi’s four decades of totalitarian rule have stifled any organized opposition or rival political structures, but in the east, ad hoc committees of lawyers, doctors, tribal elders and soldiers appeared to be filling the vacuum left by Gaddafi’s government with some success.

There was little sign of the radical Islamists whom Gaddafi has accused of fomenting the unrest.

The turmoil, inspired by successful revolutions in neighboring Tunisia and Egypt, has caused particular global concern because Libya supplies 2 percent of the world’s oil, the bulk of it from wells and supply terminals in the east.

Abdessalam Najib, a petroleum engineer at the Libyan company Agico and a member of the Feb 17. coalition that says it is running Benghazi on an interim basis, said the rebels controlled nearly all oilfields east of Ras Lanuf.

But industry sources told Reuters that crude oil shipments from Libya, the world’s 12th-largest exporter, had all but stopped because of reduced production, a lack of staff at ports and security concerns.

Benchmark Brent oil futures were steady at around $111 on Friday, after a Saudi assurance that it would replace any shortfall in Libyan output brought prices back from Thursday’s peak of nearly $120.

INTERNATIONAL STEPS

consulted the French, British and Italian leaders on Thursday to discuss coordinated steps.

The U.N. Security Council was to meet on Friday to discuss a French-British proposal for sanctions against Libyan leaders, although a vote is not likely until next week.

French Foreign Minister Michele Alliot-Marie said the draft would ask for an arms embargo, financial sanctions and a request to the International Criminal Court to indict Libyan leaders.

A German diplomatic source said the European Union was likely to agree its own sanctions early next week.

Switzerland said it was freezing any assets owned by the Gaddafi family.

But NATO Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen said NATO members had not yet discussed trying to impose a no-fly zone to protect rebel-held areas from air attacks.

Foreign governments mostly focused on evacuating thousands of their citizens trapped by the unrest.

Chinese official media said Beijing had so far evacuated 12,000, or about one third, of its citizens from Libya. A U.S.-chartered ferry that had been trapped in Tripoli for two days by bad weather finally set off for Malta.

Britain said it was sending a naval destroyer and drawing up plans to pull out British oil workers stranded in desert camps.

Gaddafi appealed for calm on Thursday in a telephone call to state television, blaming the revolt on al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.

State television said on Friday that each family would get 500 Libyan dinars ($400) to help cover higher food costs, and wages for some public sector workers would rise by 150 percent.

Gaddafi’s grip on power could depend in part on the performance around Tripoli of an elite unit led by one of his younger sons, U.S. and European officials and secret diplomatic cables obtained by WikiLeaks showed.

The 32nd Brigade, led by Gaddafi’s son Khamees, is one of three last-ditch “regime protection units” totaling 10,000 men. They are better equipped and more loyal than the rest of the military, which has seen heavy desertion, officials said.

A witness told Reuters the unit had attacked anti-government militias controlling Misrata, although residents said the forces were beaten back by lightly armed local people.

(Additional reporting by Alexander Dziadosz, Ali Abdelatti in Cairo, Amena Bakr in Riyadh, Michael Georgy on the Tunisian border, Stephanie Nebehay and Robert Evans in Geneva; Writing by Kevin Liffey; Editing by Andrew Roche)

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Sperm-Jackers: The 5 Types

February 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

58c48069d92b7f90fd1b7434d8cb9673 Sperm Jackers: The 5 Types

Beware the sperm-jacker: She’s out there after your man juice. She’s all about getting pregnant and not about being into you. You’ll need to know what the chances are that they’re going to wreck your life by demanding your daddy dedication. Avoid this testicular thief as much as possible; but, in the case that your sperm finds that egg, man up and let the know that you’ll do what needs to be done as far as taking care of your offspring drama-free. Be prepared to draw the line regarding your involvement and your connection to her crazy ass.

1- The
She doesn’t like men. No, sir. She’s into . However, somewhere along the way, the Lesbian realized that while she won’t want you, she’ll need you — or at least your sperm. She may come out directly and ask for your contribution via fertilization or the old-fashioned way.

What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? Low, if any at all. The Lesbian will be more likely to agree to some visitation, however, most likely, she won’t want you in the picture at all — not to raise the kid and definitely not for her and her (put your fantasies away).

2- The Girl Running Out of Time
She’s a dangerous one because the Girl Running Out Of Time is looking for the “just-add-water” family. Bed you, sperm-jack you and then start picking out the house, the fence and baby names. The train has passed her lots of times and she is looking to derail the next locomotive coming by.

What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? High, because this girl wants the full family experience. Tonight it’ll be a hot date with no need for condoms. Tomorrow it’ll be her big stomach and her low drive.

3- The Trapster
The next type of sperm-jacker is the Trapster. She is out to get you and her web is a nine-pound, seven-ounce ambush. You probably know this girl from back in the day and moved on for whatever reason, but she’s still stuck on you. The Trapster still wants you and she’ll flirt and seduce just to get your sperm. Sperm-jacked = baby, and baby = you trapped forever.

What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? Ultra dangerously high. This girl will want you around — but not just as a father figure (which would be the right thing to do) but as her forever (which you should avoid at all cost).

Two more types of sperm-jackers next (yikes)..

4- Miss Lonely
With no relationships to speak of, Miss Lonely is looking for someone to cling to. She’s easy to notice as she’s awkward and a general social leper. However, she’s female and it won’t take much if she throws her vagina on you. One night, she may be the Damn-It-Girl (after all the other women go home, you look at her and say: “Damn it, girl, let’s go!”).

What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? Unpredictable, as she’s a nut job and socially inept. She may want you around forever or may not be able to handle a relationship. Be ready to focus solely on the baby.

5- Miss Independent
The last in our list of different types of sperm-jackers is Miss Independent. There’s always the one who hates men. She’s not a lesbian, she’s just angry. Her life is full of what a man can’t do for her. However, at the end of her day, she’s wanting that little one to fulfill a need deep down inside. That’s where you come in with your sperm.

What are your levels of daddy expectation and commitment? None, as she will constantly remind you that she doesn’t want or need a man. Be a man and do your best to be a dad even though Miss Independent thinks she can be one too.

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British ISPs Call for Parental Control, Not Internet Censorship

February 25, 2011 By Leave a Comment

8c1049cf9aaa37d1aa082e2c301279fe British ISPs Call for Parental Control, Not Internet Censorship

CYBERSPACE — Two of the U.K.’s biggest ISPs — BT Broadband and Virgin Media — have challenged the ’s proposal to censor porn arguing that and parental control are more effective.

The government’s communications minister Ed Vaizey recently proposed that ISPs block porn and that all users be automatically opted-out.

But the proposal has raised serious issues.

In an online debate hosted by the Daily Telegraph, both companies expressed concern over Vaizey’s proposal noting that the plans hadn’t been thought through.

They cited defining the boundaries of adult content, responsibility for censorship and a host of practical and legal concerns as thorny issues.

Duncan Higgins, Virgin Media’s head of broadband media said that parents need to control what their children view on the web.

“There needs to be a real drive to getting parents to understand the issue,” he said.

A Virgin spokesperson added, “We’re absolutely committed to [Mr Vaizey's] aim of greater protection of children online.”

Tim O’Sullivan, BT’s public affairs director echoed Virgin’s stance and said, “BT offers parental controls and we believe such controls and education are the best way to approach the issue.”

Britain’s two major ISPs will reportedly issue new printed and online parental control guides in March.

BT broadband users will also have the opportunity to install the company’s free Protection software.

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Looking for that Right Date???

February 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment

86eeaaedd95de69295ca8c96025a1bbc Looking for that Right Date???

Are you ready to start seriously looking for a long-term , but don’t know where to start? Have you exhausted all possible leads from your friends and family? Do you ever feel like you’re never going to meet someone that you can like, love, and trust?

Nobody has ever said that meeting someone is easy — especially after a . It’s hard to start after years without practice, and facing the scene today is especially challenging. But take heart: people just like you start relationships every day.

What are the best ways to find and meet potential partners? What are the expectations between these days? How do you venture out as a single — safely and successfully? What’s the first step?

Are you ready?

If you aren’t emotionally ready to start a new relationship, you won’t end up with the right person. Barbara De Angelis, relationship expert and the author of Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who’s Right and Avoiding Who’s Wrong (Delacorte Press) recommends asking yourself these questions to determine whether you’re ready to have an intimate relationship.

1. Are you still angry and resentful towards your ex?
2. Do you dislike who you are? Do you feel lonely and desperate without a relationship?
3. Are you still in love with your ex?
4. Do you feel like you have nothing valuable to offer someone?

If you answered “yes” to even one of these questions, you probably aren’t ready for a new relationship. Perhaps you need more time to recover sufficiently from your relationship breakdown before you try again. If you suspect that you aren’t ready for love, work on improving your relationship with yourself first. When you can honestly answer “no” to each of these questions, you’ll be ready. Meeting strategy # 1: develop a hobby

The first thing to learn is there is no one right or wrong strategy for finding someone. If you think long and hard about it, you’ll realize that you actually have limitless opportunities to meet people. Try something you’ve never done before — or something you used to enjoy before your marriage. For instance, perhaps you loved hiking or biking, but stopped going because your ex didn’t enjoy those activities. Or maybe you loved to dance, but your ex had two left feet. Taking some dance lessons is a great way to meet new people with a similar interest, and boost your self-confidence. You’ll probably make some great new friends along the way as you become more involved with a variety of activities. After all, a person with interests is automatically interesting to others who share the same hobbies. Go places where the sort of people you’d like to meet might be — whether that’s a dance club, a wine tasting club or a scuba diving club. But remember that meeting someone is not a life-or-death mission: it should be fun. Lighten up, go out to a place or event you’ll enjoy, and take a friend with you the first time, if you feel nervous. Do whatever it takes to make yourself comfortable, and start today!

Introduction services

Introduction services are gaining in popularity as people find they need help to find Mr. or Ms. Right in these hectic times. There is a range of dating services available today: some do the matchmaking for you; others let you select from videos or from short bios. What they all have in common is a client-base of individuals who are looking for a relationship.

Matchmaking services will typically ask new members to fill in a detailed questionnaire about themselves, their likes and dislikes, and what kind of person they’re looking for as their ideal mate. Most will perform an in-depth personal interview with each member. You’ll work with a company consultant who will attempt to find close matches for your personality profile — which includes your attitude, emotional maturity, and social skills — and provide you with detailed information and phone numbers of appropriate matches. Both parties are usually notified of a potential match, so that either can initiate the first phone call. After the call and possibly first date, each member calls his or her consultant to provide feedback. Hopefully an on-going relationship will eventually develop between two members and no further referrals will be supplied unless the relationship breaks down, at which point the process starts over again.

A matchmaker may also help you identify your strengths and weaknesses, and tell you how you might be perceived by others. Since no two dating services are alike, call several to request information about their procedures, policies, and prices. Don’t hesitate to ask questions, and don’t be pressured into making a decision on the spot. Matchmaking services can be expensive, but they will save you the time and effort of attending socials or sorting through and responding to personal ads. Before signing with a matchmaker:

* Talk to at least three agencies to compare costs and services.
* Check the agencies with the Better Business Bureau or your state licensing board.
* Ask for testimonials or referrals to satisfied clients.
* Ask how long the agency has been in business.
* Ask how many people in your age range they have on their register of each sex.
* Know exactly what the services are, and what they will cost.
* Ask about methods of payment. Do they require all the money in advance of services, or can you pay in installments?

The personal approach

Personal ads are not for everyone, but many people have found love through this method. “Placing a personal ad is not only a cost-effective way to meet someone but it exposes you to a lot of people quickly,” says Emily Thornton Cavlo, co-author of 25 Words Or Less a new book on how to write an effective, personal ad. “Psychologically, placing an ad puts you into the dating mode, and it helps to know that there are lots of other people just like you who want to meet someone but don’t want to go through the club or bar scene.”

If you get bogged down in the process of writing an ad, start by letting your subconscious do all the work: just jot down all the things that come to mind when you think of a potential mate, and what you consider your best points to be. Once you’ve laid the groundwork, refining your ad is relatively easy.

Cavlo and her co-author, Laurence Minisky, recommend keeping three things in mind when writing and responding to a personals ad:

1. What kind of person are you looking for? We all have a list of traits we want in a partner. These traits can be anything from “kind and sensitive” to a “non-smoker who likes children under the age of four.”
2. What kind of person are you? Make a list of words that describe you, then select the words that really paint a picture about who you are — the ones that make a reader see, hear, smell, and taste who you are. By doing this, “generous” becomes “volunteer reader for the blind,” and “loves to cook,” becomes “you’ll love my sun-dried tomato lasagna.”
3. What level of commitment are you looking for? If you clarify the level of commitment and intimacy you’re looking for, you’ll target the people who are looking for the same type of relationship. Being straightforward about what you want ensures you don’t get involved with someone with a different agenda than yours. And don’t respond to ads with an incompatible level of commitment, no matter how interesting the person sounds.

Once you’ve written your masterpiece, you must decide where to place it. “Opportunities as to where you should place your ad are growing daily,” says Minisky. “A way to choose where to best place your ad is to look at the publication’s target readership. If it’s important to you to date someone who lives close by, place an ad in the local newspaper, or on your supermarket bulletin board. If you’d like to date a single father, seek out a single-parent’s newsletter or website, and so on. If you place your ad in the wrong place, you’ll have a hard time finding the right person for you.”

The cost of placing a personal ad can range from free to hundreds of dollars. If your budget allows, place your ad in a publication you read or website you visit yourself.

Responding to an ad is a kind of advertisement in its own right. Use the same three criteria (above) to introduce yourself to the person who placed the ad. Refer to something about the ad you particularly liked, so the recipient knows that you’re responding to him or her specifically — that you’re not just sending form letters to everyone.

Telephone personals

This form of meeting someone is fairly new but growing at a fast rate. Telephone personals services such as Chit Chat, New York’s #1 Talkline, and Telepersonals allow you to record an ad, which other members can then listen to over the phone. If you pique someone’s interest, he or she will leave a message for you. Of course, you can listen to other members’ messages and respond to as many as you like. When you call in, an automated voice prompts you through a series of choices to route you to a specific part of overall system.

Many services are completely free for women, since there are usually more men than women using the service.

It’s also usually free for men to record their ad and listen to ads, but men usually have to pay to respond to ads and to pick up their messages. With many services, you would first select an age group, then what kind of relationship you are looking for (from to marriage), and then the basic personality of the person you are hoping to meet.

Once you’ve hit it off and exchanged several messages with someone, take the time to have two or three long phone conversation before deciding to meet. This gives you the opportunity to explore whether your interests, attitudes, values, and relationship goals are compatible, and to judge the character of your prospective date. Taking the time to talk to each other not only helps you build a rapport, it also helps you better determine if the person is right for you.

“I decided to use a telephone personals company because it was fast, easy, and inexpensive,” says Shawn, a former member of a telephone personals service. “As a part-time single dad with a demanding career as a computer programmer, I didn’t have a lot of time to spend looking for the perfect mate. I joined from home, and listened to ads after the kids went to sleep. I never met anyone on the system that I didn’t like, and I dated two or three nice women before meeting Debbie. We talked for a couple of hours before we met (which is amazing because I hate phone conversations), so I knew we were intellectually compatible. As soon as she walked into the restaurant, I knew that she was the one. We got married last spring — three years from the day we met.”

Computer compatibility

The Internet connects over 25-million people from over 60 countries every day. More and more people are joining this cybersociety at a fantastic rate. It’s accessible 24 hours a day — come rain or shine, sleet or snow — from the comfort of your own home. All you need to launch yourself into cyberspace is a computer, a modem, some communications software, an internet provider (such as AOL) and a phone line or cable access to your provider.

Online matchmaking services, such as Match.com and Lavalife, provide a user-friendly way to meet people.

A leader in online personals, Match.com offers a fun and safe way to meet other singles. With more than 1.2-million members, this service offers a large member pool of quality singles, the majority of whom range in age from 25 to 45. Their “Super Search” allows you to quickly find profiles which fit your criteria, and will also send you new profiles that match your wants as they are posted. Match.com offers all users a free seven-day trial with unlimited access to browse through its member profile database.

Lavalife has been around for over 15 years. With more than 50,000 messages being posted everyday, Webpersonals offers three distinct destinations: one for men and women to connect; one for men (“manline”); and one for women (“womanline”). Once you’ve picked a destination, you can choose which community you’d like to join: “Dating,” Romance,” or “Intimate.” You can sign up in any or in all communities, then search each one for someone interesting. Their search engine allows you to be very specific about what kind of person you’re looking for; once you have your results, you can read any of the selected bios you wish.

Much like real-world dating, some people treat online dating as a fun way to pass time — a novelty. Others treat it as a genuine and meaningful way of socializing, hopefully leading towards a long-term relationship.

“Meeting online means you really have to work on your communication skills,” says Nina, a Toronto cosmetician who met Brian from Colarado. “It cuts through the superficial small talk, so you can immediately get to know someone. There’s no time to talk about the weather.” For the last two years, the two have gotten to know each other via the internet, and spent to two weeks vacationing together last summer. Now, the couple is making plans for Brian to move to Toronto to be with Nina. The discussions in cyberspace often cut through the small talk and superficiality of ordinary life. People can be intimate without being self-conscious, which can lead to deeper conversations (or cybersex, if you’re so inclined). It’s not without dirty spots, but cyberspace can be like the real world: it’s an exciting terrain to explore.

Wining and dining

Singles dances and parties are held on a weekly or monthly basis in every major city in North America. When you go to a function sponsored by a singles organization, the key is to make conversation with a number of different people and really listen to what they’re saying (both verbally and with body language).

Remember, it’s not enough to simply place yourself in a meeting environment: you need to maintain a positive attitude and give off inviting vibes (“inviting” does not mean promiscuous! Be appropriate). If you’re unfriendly, no one will take the time to get to know you. If you go with friends, don’t cling to them; approaching a pack of men or women can be too intimidating for someone who’d otherwise love to talk you.

Since we all have to eat, dinner groups can be an excellent way to meet someone and enjoy a great meal at the same time. The Single Gourmet offers events across North America — including New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles. It has more than 1,000 members in each of these cities. The Single Gourmet attracts single professionals who have a love of fine food, conversation, and socializing with other interesting singles. This atmosphere offers singles the opportunity to meet while dining together at a wide variety of the cities’ restaurants on a weekly schedule.

One terrific way to meet a lot of eligible people at once is host a dinner party with seven or eight other friends, each of whom is asked to bring one or more attractive eligible people of the opposite sex with whom they are not personally involved. Roger, a business executive with little spare time for socializing, began to hold monthly parties where he invited male friends to bring the most fascinating women they knew as long as they were not romantically linked. When it became clear that many of the invitees were showing up alone, Roger enlisted the help of women who had been to past parties to invite their single female friends. Hosting single soirees, theme parties, and other events is a great way to expand your network quickly.

Cultural encounters

Theater enthusiasts, music lovers, dance devotees, museum goers, and art aficionados will be happy to know that there are many people who share your interests — and many organizations and events that can bring you together.

When it comes to theater, you could attend a benefit for a theater company, see a play with other singles, or even take an acting class or audition for the community theater.

Most cities boast at least one museum. In addition to exhibits, your local museum might offer special events, such as silent movie programs, modern film classics programs, concerts, lecture series on arts, and hands-on art classes.

Another way to meet someone with the same appreciation for the arts is take a class. Consider signing up for group lessons in painting, ceramics and pottery, or dancing (take some private lessons first to brush up or gain confidence). You’ll not only meet great new people who share your interests, but you’ll have the fun of participating in a new hobby.

Parties for a Purpose

Involvement with non-profit organizations offers gratification in more ways than one. By investing your time, energy, and/or money as a volunteer, or by participating in fundraising events, you may experience a fruitful social life and feel good about making a contribution to a worthwhile cause. The more involved you become, the better you’ll get to know others who share your sensibility and desire to “do good.”

Many organizations offer volunteer opportunities, but may require a serious time commitment; take this into consideration when selecting which organization to support. Charities and special-interest groups and organizations are also a great way to connect with like-minded men and women. Many of the non-profit helping organizations — such as The American Red Cross, The American Cancer Society, The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, or The Multiple Sclerosis Society — wouldn’t be able to provide services to those in need without their dedicated volunteers. The rewards for helping others really can’t be measured. You’ll experience a genuine feeling of self-worth and of real usefulness — valuable indeed if you’re going through a difficult separation or divorce.

Better yourself

Life after divorce can be emotionally as well as physically exhausting. Depending on your unique situation and needs, a retreat, some exercise, or could work wonders for your health, your peace of mind, and your social life. If you feel good about yourself, it shows — and that makes you much more attractive to others.

What’s the best kind of exercise? The one you enjoy doing, because you’ll actually do it. If you’d like the opportunity to meet people while getting or staying fit, choose a group activity such as co-ed volleyball, skiing, hiking, or a biking club. If you’re feeling self-conscious about your athletic ability, choose a more relaxed “fun” team or club. Don’t choose a sport you hate just because you think you’ll meet more potential dates; if you’re having a lousy time, you’re going to be lousy company.

Another way to improve yourself, and increase your opportunities to meet people, is to take some classes. You can study almost any subject in the world, from academic subjects (such as history, philosophy, literature, and psychology) to yoga to desktop publishing. You can learn how to play the stock market or how to play chess, fix your car or bake bread. The Learning Annex and the Seminar Centers in your area offer great classes on a variety of subjects. There are even classes on how to find your soulmate! Your classmates will be people like you: they’ll be interested in knowing more about an intriguing topic, and might just be hoping to meet new people and develop new friends.

Travel

Travel offers wonderful opportunities for singles. Adults-only resorts such as the Allegro Jack Tar in Mexico and Hedonism II in Jamaica provide a relaxed atmosphere and activities designed to encourage guests to mingle and meet. You could also join a singles tour geared to your tastes and interests — whether that’s visiting European art galleries or going on Safari in Africa. If you’re traveling alone, you can request a roommate (lowering your expenses and giving you a companion), and you’re sure to befriend others in the group.

“Group tours can really expand your horizons,” says Martha Chapman of Signature Vacations. “You’ll have the opportunity to visit a destination you’ve always wanted to see, take advantage of the package prices, and you have access to lots of company if you want it. You’re alone, but not lonely.” Chapman also recommends taking advantage of the benefits that an all-inclusive package can offer. “All- inclusive resorts can offer you lots of security, activities, and an ambiance that allows you to meet a lot of new people. Everything is included and offered right there at the resorts, giving you the opportunity to try something new — such as scuba diving, windsurfing, sightseeing, or going on an archeological dig. You’ll be taking those lessons and day trips with many other guests of the resort, many of whom will probably become good friends and companions for the rest of your stay.”

Some all-inclusive resorts are very singles-oriented or offer adult-only stays. Call your travel agent, who should be able to help you find the perfect destination, package, or tour for you.

Get out and socialize

“I took a survey among my friends who are married or in a serious relationship,” says Diane, a single professional who works for an insurance association. “There are many ways to meet your soul mate, but none of them involve sitting at home doing nothing.”

Still have no idea where to find single people? No problem. These suggestions are sure to put you where you want to be — with other great singles! If you’re shy, try the approaches that scare you the least to start with.

* Bookstores. Select an interesting book, then approach someone and ask them if they’ve ever read it or know the author’s work.
* Single Parent Support Groups. If you’re a single parent, this is a great way to share your concerns, get helpful ideas, and meet other like-minded single parents.
* Coffee Houses. A casual and popular spot for singles these days. Sit down with a copy of Divorce Magazine (it’s a great conversation piece!) and enjoy the exotic blends. Some coffee houses offer poetry readings and live music as well.
* Parks. A great place to walk or picnic. Check with your local department of parks and and get on their mailing list. They sponsor some great activities, like dancing in the park, arts, and craft shows. And walking a cute, friendly dog is a great way to meet people — they’ll come to you!
* Video stores. Are you into comedy? Or maybe you need a little drama in your life. Find someone interesting in the oldies section. Reminisce with him or her about how they just don’t make movies like that anymore, then discuss your favorite classics.
* Commuting. Taking the train or bus from work doesn’t have to be boring. Sit next to someone you find interesting, start up a conversation, and make the trip home an enjoyable one.

As you begin looking into one or more of these possibilities, you’ll discover more opportunities than you could have imagined to meet other single people in your area. Take a good look at the bulletin boards on the internet and listing section of your local newspapers and magazines for singles events that might interest you.

The opportunities for you to reach out and become involved in absorbing and enjoyable activities — to keep on learning and growing, to do some good, to make new friends, and perhaps even find new love — are all around you. All you have to do is seize them.

Dating safety rules

Caution is the keyword here. It doesn’t matter how or where you’ve met someone — whether it was through the personals, online, at a bar, or even though friends — don’t rush into too much intimacy too fast. Don’t be too quick to give your phone number, address, deeply personal information — or your body — to a virtual stranger. Some of life’s dangers are beyond your control, but you can protect yourself against others.

“Get to know someone on the phone before planning to meet up with them,” says Cavlo. “Take your time and get to know their sense of humor, their interests, and hear about their lives, so you have a better idea of who you are meeting — or if you really want to meet them.”

Use common sense when you plan to meet face-to-face with someone new. Here are a few tips to help keep you safe:

* Never invite strangers to your home until they are no longer strangers. This means you don’t give your address to anyone until you feel reasonably sure he/she won’t hurt you when you are alone with him/her, or try to break into your home to carry off your precious possessions when you’re away.
* Meet in a public spot, preferably during the day. Coffee is quick, and if things are going well, you can always extend it into a meal. But if you arrange to meet for dinner and a movie, your evening may seem like an eternity if things are going badly.
* Use your own transportation. After you’ve met the person, if you have any doubts at all about him or her, don’t allow yourself to be driven to dinner or to the theater. Take your own car. If you have strong doubts, don’t go.
* If you don’t have a car, make sure you have some cash and a credit card so you can get home.
* Carry change for a telephone or bring a cellular phone.
* Leave a trail. If you’re going out with someone for the first time, let a friend or family member know where you’re going, when you’ll be back, and who you’re with. Tell them you’re going out with someone you don’t know very well and give them your date’s name, phone number, and any information that you may have about the person.
* Be on the lookout for inconsistency. “Does the information you’re received during your date agree with the facts you got over the phone, through e-mail, etc.?” says Minsky. “If the person is still very secretive about where they work or live even after several conversations, this can be a sign that there may be a hidden agenda that isn’t in your best interests.”
* Keep your financial situation to yourself. Be wary of too many questions about your assets. Don’t be persuaded to invest in anything without full investigation.
* At the end of a date, make sure you aren’t being followed home. If you are being followed, drive to a police station or a friend’s apartment where you can call the police.
* If you don’t like the person, don’t give him or her your home phone number. Give a phony number, if it will let you make your exit without creating a scene.
* Trust your gut. If you have a feeling that there’s something wrong, then there’s something wrong. And you should go with that feeling. All in all, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Also remember not to take your date’s reticence on certain matters personally. They may just be protecting themselves in case you turn out to be a psycho. For the first few weeks, if he doesn’t want you to see his car, or she doesn’t want to tell you where she lives, that’s smart. If it’s been six months, however, you should smell a rat.

What happens next?

You never know what can come from a date: it may be nothing, it may be a friendship, it may be a romance. Don’t set impossible standards for yourself or your date. You may certainly have a wish list, but you’re now mature enough to know that no one person can be expected to meet all your needs. Allow yourself and others to be human. That doesn’t mean accepting someone as partner if he or she doesn’t enrich and enhance your life in important ways, but it does mean getting rid of fantasies of the perfect mate.

Just be open to everyone you meet. Maybe you’ve found your next employer. A sister or brother-in-law. Or a new friend. Learn from your dates; even if they go badly, it can help you identify the qualities you don’t want in a mate. Have respect for yourself: you deserve to be treated well. Have respect for others: don’t be rude unless you have to. Above all, relax and enjoy yourself. Dating may seem very different this time around, but it’s still good fun and can be very rewarding.

How will you know?

You’ve meet someone you really like, but you’re wondering whether he or she is really right for you.

Take the time to see if you are compatible: physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, sexually, professionally, and in your hobbies (add or subtract items from this list based on your own wants and needs).

In Are you the One for Me? Barbara De Angelis offers a “Sixty Second Compatibility Test” you can use to see how well matched you are with someone. She suggests you ask yourself the following four questions about your prospective or present partners:

* Would I want to have a with this person?
* Would I want to have a child just like this person?
* Do I want to become more like this person?
* Would I be willing to spend my life with this person if he or she never changed from the way they are now?

If you answered “yes” to all four questions, you’re probably compatible with one another. If you answered “no,” ask yourself why.

Once you think you’ve found the partner of your dreams, what can you do to create a marriage in which you have the kind of intimacy you want but still retain your sense of self as an separate individual?

According to Victoria Jaycox, author of Single Again, “One step is to make sure that you and your partner have the same kind of marriage in mind. Talk through what each of you expects from a partner and try to work out any differences before you marry. Discuss how you will handle differences, your own separate responsibilities, and how you will be there to support each other. What you want to achieve is an understanding about the nature of your marriage.”

The second step is to decide whether you’re willing to make those efforts and compromises required by this relationship. Those are the costs. For the benefits to outweigh them, your new partner must be someone who meets your needs for caring, intimacy and autonomy,” says relationship expert Barbara De Angelis. “Although finding that person is rare, it does happen. And if it has happened to you, you better than anyone will be able to recognize and grab hold of the miracle it represents.”

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New Documentary Exposes Shelley Lubben’s Lies-UPDATED!

February 22, 2011 By Leave a Comment

b87457bb8538f263f83b64787d39a3e9 New Documentary Exposes Shelley Lubben’s Lies UPDATED!

Lubben’s told so many different versions of her “path,” she herself may not know which parts are true.

Update: Previously non-working links have been repaired, and Episode 2 expanded by the filmmaker)

LOS ANGELES—Now that the 2011 AVN Awards are over, it’s time to start thinking about 2012… and one of the early favorites for next year’s Reuben Sturman Award might just be documentary makers Michael Whiteacre and Lydia Lee (who performed in adult movies under the name Julie Meadows).

The reason for considering such an honor? The pair have just released on YouTube the first two parts of their upcoming feature-length documentary, The Devil and Shelley Lubben—and it’s a blockbuster!

Anyone who’s been reading AVN for the past few years knows who Shelley Lubben is. She runs the non-profit (though likely not non-profit for her personally) Pink Cross Foundation, whose mission is to “save” porn stars from themselves; that is, from their occupation of making sexually explicit videos.

Lubben, who’s most recently been outspoken on the subject of requiring porn stars to wear condoms and other “barrier protection” while filming—she’s for it, of course—is herself a former performer, in that she made 17 movies in 1993 and 1994 (she claims more but has yet to provide any proof). But part of her schtick is that she claims to have contracted both herpes and papilloma virus (HPV) during her brief stint in front of the cameras—and that’s where Whiteacre and Lee begin their dissection of Lubben’s web of lies.

“As a survivor of the porn industry, I contracted human papilloma virus and herpes, a non-curable disease which later led to my battle with cervical cancer, where I had to have half of my cervix removed,” Lubben is seen announcing from a rostrum in Episode 1. “I also battled with severe anemia due to hemorrhaging I experienced for 12 years—in fact, I am still battling with damages to my reproductive organs. I have suffered much at the hands of the porn industry, but after eight long, hard years of recovery, and by the grace of God almighty, I escaped that hell and stand here, a mom with three beautiful daughters, thanks to a wonderful man, a godly man who stood by me in my horrible recovery. I have the perfect life.”

“I want you all to know that the last thing I want to do, people, is talk about porn,” she continues, “but my compassion for those people who are in modern-day slavery right now—I was overwhelmed, and so I went back to the industry and I began to reach out to them, and of course, I’ve been called every name in the book, you can imagine, but that didn’t stop me, and I founded Pink Cross Foundation, a non-profit organization that reaches out to adult industry workers, offering help, a way out, education, friendship. We go to porn conventions; we go to nightclubs, and heck, I even sing porn star karaoke to them.”

There’s just one problem with those statements: They’re likely a pack of lies—and Whiteacre and Lee detail just how false her words are, usually by using… her own words!

But that comes a bit later. The beginning of Episode 1 traces Lubben’s origins, from her birth in Pasadena to her eventual move to nearby Glendora… and her mental move to Cloud Cuckooland.

“Shelley began hearing voices at age 7, when Jesus told her one day she’d be famous,” narrator Sam Phillips intones, followed on-screen with a title card quoting Lubben from her self-published book, The Truth Behind the of Porn: “I loved Jesus very much. He used to talk to me all the time. And so I always knew that I was special but it seemed that no-one else saw that about me.”

According to the episode, Lubben’s parents stopped taking her to church at around age 9, and so of course it wasn’t long before she began misbehaving.

“Shelley began making up wild stories about men trying to kidnap her, but she would eventually come clean and nothing would change,” Phillips says over images of family life in the ’60s. “Her mother still called her ‘peculiar’ rather than ‘talented,’ and her father still spent his spare time working in the garage. By turns lazy and hyperactive, and unhappy competing with her baby brother for mom’s attention, Shelley was a difficult to manage.”

But by Lubben’s own admission, she was a cheat and a liar.

“I cheated my way through high school,” she admits in her book, which is quoted on-screen. “I officially do not deserve my high school diploma, but I was so smart, I was able to cheat my way through. I was a nightmare as a teenager, so I began having , smoking pot, drinking alcohol, just partying, and my dad basically said, ‘, if you don’t get your act together, I’m going to kick you out.’ I was about 18 years old, almost 18.”

But sure enough, after losing her driver’s license and being caught stealing from a local store, her dad did just what he promised. But that’s okay, because Lubben had already learned the lessons she’d need for later life.

“I learned to become a hustler in high school, so imagine what I learned on the street,” Lubben is seen telling an audience. “Now I’m a con-artist, now I’m learning how to rip men off, how to get their money, how to manipulate con-men out of every last dollar; how to get exactly what I wanted from a man. And I loved it because I got all the attention I ever wanted.”

“The attention was like a for me. I was desperate for attention. Of course, the fast money was a major attraction,” title cards quote her as having written. “I became a professional liar and could literally lie my way out of anything,” she wrote on a Christian blog.

It’s a point that Whiteacre and Lee make several times during the course of the episode: One of Lubben’s primary motivations is her insatiable need to be noticed—a desire that easily led her into porn… by way of six years as a prostitute—a part of her history that she quickly forgets whenever it’s convenient to do so.

Fortunately, Lubben has appeared in videos from several seminars at which she spoke after she was “saved” from the horrors of porn, and some of the early ones tell quite a different story than what she related in the clip that begins this episode.

“Working as a prostitute, giving blowjobs—that’s right; did I say that word?—giving blowjobs on the street with men ejaculating on my face, getting blood on my face… I didn’t take care of myself,” she admits to various audiences. “I hadn’t even been to a doctor since I had a baby. That was the only time I ever went [to] doctors. From age 18 to 26, I went to the doctor’s one time… I got pregnant by tricks three times. Two out of the three times I had miscarriages because my reproductive system was messed up from all the multiple partners I was having, and how many times did clients break condoms on me? Too many times. Two of the times ended in miscarriages because I was so physically unhealthy because we don’t go to the doctor and we don’t go to the dentist; there’s no time for that. It’s all about the money.”

Helpfully, the filmmakers remind us that the Centers for Disease Control have some idea of how easily sexually transmitted diseases—like the ones Lubben claims to have contracted while performing—are acquired.

“HPV is so common that at least 50% of sexually active men and get it at some point in their lives,” a title card reads. “Condoms may lower the risk of developing HPV-related diseases, but HPV can infect areas that are not covered by a condom.”

“And the number one reason for getting HPV, the doctor told me, is from having multiple sex partners,” Lubben then tellssome unidentified videographer… and us.

“So according to Shelley,” Lee summarizes, “she was a prostitute for six years before getting into porn, she was a prostitute as a porn star, and she was a prostitute shortly thereafter in 1994, and that’s not multiple partners?”

The end of Episode 1 features Lubben relating some of her memories of her days as a prostitute, when, for instance, she and a madam she was living with would “pull 10, 15 tricks a day.” She also told of a Chinese man who picked her up at a strip club by offering her $200 to spend the night—but once they got to their hotel room, his cock turned out to be so small the condom kept slipping off.

“He ejaculated on me and in me,” Lubben says on tape, then a title card continues with a quote from her book: “I jumped off the bed and ran to the bathroom to try and clean myself out. Tagi asked me in his rough Chinese accent, ‘What’s wong?’[sic] What’s wrong? Was he kidding? Everything was wrong! I didn’t want to get pregnant again from a prostitution act and give birth to some ugly Asian baby.”

Pregnant again? Yep—and as title cards elaborate, “Shelley’s third pregnancy resulted in the birth of her daughter, Tiffany Ann Moore, on June 29, 1988. That means Shelley had two of her three miscarriages prior to 1988. That’s five and a half years before she walked onto a porn set. However, the story Shelley likes to tell conveniently shifts all the blame from herself—and onto the porn industry.”

And sure enough: “I’ve had several miscarriages due to the trauma in the industry,” Lubben claims on videotape. “I had hemorrhaging for 12 years and severe anemia. I have suffered much at the hands of the porn industry.”

Episode 2, titled “Roxy’s Rape,” deals with another set of Shelley “Roxy” Lubben lies: Her claim that at least some of the sex she had on camera was non-consensual.

“I was in the industry for the years of 1993 to 1994 where I was forced to have unprotected sex,” Lubben tells various audiences in a compiled segment. “I was brutally raped on the set when I contracted herpes in a six-man gangbang, on a dirty ranch, unsupervised, on a dirty picnic table…. I was forced and was coerced to do sex acts that I did not agree with… I was also a drug addict alcoholic, much like many of the other people working in the industry. I also was jaded, mentally ill, and traumatized from all the and sex I was subjected to, all the brutality.”

As Whiteacre points out, her choice of words is interesting, considering that the Penal Code defines rape in part as, “force, violence, coercion, duress, menace, or the threat of immediate unlawful bodily injury,” as well as if the victim is intoxicated, drugged, mentally ill or mentally deficient.

“Here’s where Mrs. Lubben has a problem: She has to get around the fact that she actively, willingly sought employment in the porn industry, which by and large does not use condoms; booked the shoot, showed up, shot the scene, signed a contract and model release in the presence of others, acknowledging that she did not have diminished capacity, and that she was giving all necessary consent and waiving all liability,” Whiteacre analyzes. “She did the scene, she was paid, she cashed the check, and then she didn’t file a police report. So how to get around that? Here’s where Shelley goes all in. Short of being a minor, which obviously she wasn’t, she now claims that virtually every other element which might possibly negate her consent was present. She was forced, threatened, drugged, drunk, mentally ill, with no evidence of anything; just her word 15, 16, 17 years later.”

Also weighing in against Lubben’s version is one actor who participated in the “six-man gangbang” (Filmco’s Roxy A Gang Bang Fantasy) which Lubben references, actor Guy DaSilva.

“She was very aggressive in the scene; very aggressive, and so were the guys, but in no kind of dangerous kind of way, in any kind of threatening way, or harmful, where anyone was hurt or forced to do something they didn’t want to do,” DaSilva told Whiteacre and Lee. “That absolutely did not take place. She called the shots and then the guys including myself were just going through what we were told to do, and there was a director involved who was basically shooting it and ‘letting it fly.’ He wasn’t really even ‘directing’ the scene. For the most part, he just let it go and she carried it. She was not drunk or anything. She was capable of knowing what she was doing. Coherent.”

But, according to Lubben, not only was she personally assaulted on the set, but so is everyone who participates in making adult movies—and they all salve the pain by using drugs.

“On the movie set, it’s absolutely horrible and degrading for women,” Lubben claims. “In the background you can hear women throwing up, you can hear them crying—because it hurts… You know what women do before they do a scene? We go outside with other porn actors, we lay down lines of meth, we take big bottles and chug that down, and we’re ready. They beat the girls, they feed them—force-feed them drugs. Drugs are always provided. You can get Vicodin, that’s a huge drug. Xanax, alcohol, meth, cocaine—heroin is very big, and after a day of working with nothing but filth, bodily fluids, an unclean set—because all of the movies are done on private mansions, so there’s nothing regulated about this industry.”

Most of the rest of the episode consists of current and former performers—Melissa Monet, Nina Hartley, Danny Wylde, Monica Foster, Kayden Kross—putting the lie to Lubben’s claims, with Hartley being one of the most eloquent and logical.

“I’ve been on about 700 sets; I’ve done about a thousand scenes, 1200 scenes, give or take, and honestly, in all that, I’ve had ten experiences where I actually went, ‘Ew, never again with that person, that director’,” she tells the filmmakers. “And even then I would never call them rape; I would just call them, ‘Ew, that guy’s a jerk; I just won’t work with him again.’”

“No one ever kept me on a set,” she continues. “It’s not possible to hold somebody on a set against their will, and nowadays, with cell phones, the LAPD would love to have a phone call from some young woman in a closet on a set saying, ‘Please, please, come get me now, please!’ Oh, my God; what a field day they would have with that! It doesn’t happen. We don’t need to force anybody to be on a set; they come every day from the bus station going, ‘Please, please pick me; no, pick me!’”

Equally logical is Kayden Kross’s explanation of why there aren’t rapists in porn.

“She makes it sound like we don’t have a say in the matter; she turns it into rape,” Kross sardonically analyzes. “She says that she was raped, that we’re all being raped every time you show up to set. And I’m just saying, I mean, there would be a lot more rapists, I think, if that were the case, because look how easy we make it: You know, we drive ourselves there; we give you notice when we’re going to be there; we sit down in the makeup chair so you can make us look exactly how you want us to look—it’s really a good gig for rapists, I think. But then, you know, there’s the whole object of having to pay for it and there’s the whole thing where she can just say, ‘No, I’m not showing up.’ It kind of gets in the way if you really want to be a hardcore rapist, but definitely, if you just want to rape on the side, that’s easy.”

Hartley, however, gets to one of the core issues that separates the sexually normal world from the whacky religious one when it comes to sex.

“We’re still battling upstream,” Hartley asserts, “against the idea that women are delicate flowers who need protection from men, that sex is still something men want and women have, or it’s something that men do and women are, and still we are fighting the battle that women have sexual agency of their own; they have their own desires, their own needs, their own wants and their own ways of getting them.”

The religious aspect of this is something that greatly interests Whiteacre.

“What Shelley doesn’t get is that if Satan does exist in this world, he exists in the idea that the world somehow owes you a living,” Whiteacre told AVN. “That’s the philosophy that drives thieves and grifters and other criminals… The key to this ‘new improved’ Shelley Lubben is that her time in exile was spent sojourning at the Champions Centre in Tacoma, Washington. It’s a church and ministry training facility that spits out little clones who all recite the same mantra: ‘I’m a Champion’; ‘Jesus will help me lead a Champion life!’, etc. Shelley learned how to be a convincing public speaker, how to use logical fallacies like proof by assertion and appeal to authority, and how to get people to pass the plate.

“At the core of this kind of religious conversion is the need to make your old life look as as terrible and evil and sinful as possible, so that your salvation appears that much more miraculous,” he continued. “Now that Lubben looks back on her life with these new-found religious perspectives, all the little stray pieces from her old life fit neatly into new packages: The voices she’s been hearing since childhood are actually God and Jesus; Satan entered her body to give her the strength to get through a gang bang; hearing the moon tell her to ‘fuck off’ proves that she was demon-possessed, etc.

“Pornography is Lubben’s dragon, which is a convenient one to tilt at because that sentiment provides enormous job ,” he assessed. ” There will always be a natural human desire to explore sexuality. But, in a Lubben-centric world, her enemy is the enemy of the true church, because Lubben and the true church are one and the same.”

Um… All hail St. Shelley?

In any case, Whiteacre’s and Lee’s documentary promises the best analysis of a vocal enemy of the adult industry than has been produced in many years, and can be enjoyed by adult industry members and fans alike.

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How to Solve Marital Conflict

February 21, 2011 By Leave a Comment

d7ee4fa12dc9c08321b2d4279a833144 How to Solve Marital Conflict

A therapist offers two amazingly effective techniques for getting past long-standing disputes within your .

All the problems with Jim and Carrie’s* 14-year marriage were distilled into their daily dispute: They fought about how to get their three children out the door. First, they’d argue about how to rouse the kids. Jim felt they should learn responsibility by setting their own alarm clocks; Carrie insisted on waking each herself. Then came the battle over breakfast: Jim thought grabbing fruit to eat on the way to school was fine; Carrie wanted a sit-down meal.

Rattled by their parents’ bickering, the kids — two girls, 12 and 10, and an 8-year-old boy — would create distractions, refuse to , dawdle, and nearly always miss the school bus. Then Jim would shout that they needed to understand consequences and should walk. Carrie would overrule him and drive the kids so they wouldn’t be late for class. What might have been just an ordinary set of complications in other households became an intractable conflict.

When Carrie and Jim first consulted me about the chronic unhappiness in their marriage, I saw something familiar from my 35 years as a family therapist — a couple whose relationship careened from explosive, recurring arguments to silence and distance. Jim thought things never went his way; Carrie felt her always prevailed. Problems went unsolved, sometimes for years. The children suffered because of their parents’ frequent arguments over seemingly petty matters — not just the morning routine, but also homework, chores, bedtime, and more.

Toward the end of our first session, I asked Jim and Carrie, “Have you ever taken turns on an issue?” Both looked interested but confused. “How would we do that?” Jim asked.

I explained Turn-Taking, one of two relatively simple and remarkably effective methods that any couple can use at home to resolve stubborn, repetitious conflicts. It involves, I told them, allowing your spouse to be temporarily in charge of handling a contentious matter in whatever way he or she sees fit. The job of the other spouse would be to observe without comment, saving discussion for our next meeting.

We set up a two-week experiment — but the couple was so locked in conflict, we had to flip a coin to see who would go first. Jim won. For the first week, he was to decide how to wake the children, what they ate for breakfast, and what to do if they missed the bus. Carrie was to watch and not criticize. During the second week, Carrie would handle the children in her way, while Jim observed without criticism. “You’ll each have a new opportunity to learn more about what makes the other one tick,” I said.

When they returned two weeks later, they began by telling me how astounded the children had been. “They kept trying to get us to fight,” Jim said. He laughed. “When that didn’t work, they actually got ready for school!” The number of missed-bus days diminished rapidly, and if the kids did run late, the parent whose week it was implemented his or her preferred solution.

Both had trouble at first with the observer role. “I had to bite my in the beginning,” Jim said, “but, honestly, I realized that Carrie’s method of getting them out of does move them along more easily.” Carrie told me, “I got it that on my days, when they knew I would drive them, they behaved in ways that made them miss the bus. It’s hard for me to say this, but Jim is right on this one.” She added, “We have a lot of other areas we need to address now.” Jim agreed — and both felt hopeful for the first time in ages.

The Turn-Taking experiment broke years of deadlock for Jim and Carrie, offering a clear, fair, and mutually satisfying way to negotiate the differences that pop up in the lives of every couple.

In my experience, marriages work well when partners negotiate so that each person gets some, but not all, of what he or she wants. Too many habitually choose the “meet-in-the-middle” method of problem- solving, thinking that it’s less messy and somehow more just. But it isn’t: If he loves the mountains and she loves the shore and they spend every vacation in a big city, they may not argue, but each will feel secretly unfulfilled. Meet-in-the-middle solutions lead to less and less genuine conversation about what each one truly wants. Each time spouses fail to express a clear position or listen to the desires of their mate, the invisible pile of unspoken yearnings separating them grows higher and wider.

Happy couples know how to negotiate — out loud. Learning to do that requires that people dig deep and figure out what’s truly important to them, convey it fully to their spouse, and listen carefully when he or she does the same. The Turn-Taking technique allows that to happen.

For Dena and Henry, a couple who fought over when to have dinner, the starting point in their Turn-Taking experiment was looking closely at the meaning of their preferences. Dena realized that dinner at 6 was the way things had been done in her parents’ home; eating early felt cozy to her. Dinner at 8, Henry’s choice, seemed exhaustingly late to Dena — but to Henry, it was a way of assuring private time with her after the children were in bed. Once Henry understood that early dinner meant comfort to Dena, and Dena understood that late dinner reflected Henry’s desire to be alone with her, they saw that turn-taking would allow them to meet these needs — and definitely beat dining at 7 with cranky kids, which made neither of them happy.

There were other areas of disagreement in their marriage, but turn-taking worked for those, too, providing crucial space for different preferences in the relationship. Negotiated solutions gave each partner some of what he or she wanted — and a lot of unexpected intimacy.

* The names and identifying details of this couple, and of the other couples in this article, have been changed toprotect their privacy.

All the problems with Jim and Carrie’s* 14-year marriage were distilled into their daily dispute: They fought about how to get their three children out the door. First, they’d argue about how to rouse the kids. Jim felt they should learn responsibility by setting their own alarm clocks; Carrie insisted on waking each child herself. Then came the battle over breakfast: Jim thought grabbing fruit to eat on the way to school was fine; Carrie wanted a sit-down meal.

Rattled by their parents’ bickering, the kids — two girls, 12 and 10, and an 8-year-old boy — would create distractions, refuse to listen, dawdle, and nearly always miss the school bus. Then Jim would shout that they needed to understand consequences and should walk. Carrie would overrule him and drive the kids so they wouldn’t be late for class. What might have been just an ordinary set of complications in other households became an intractable conflict.

When Carrie and Jim first consulted me about the chronic unhappiness in their marriage, I saw something familiar from my 35 years as a family therapist — a couple whose relationship careened from explosive, recurring arguments to silence and distance. Jim thought things never went his way; Carrie felt her husband always prevailed. Problems went unsolved, sometimes for years. The children suffered because of their parents’ frequent arguments over seemingly petty matters — not just the morning routine, but also homework, chores, bedtime, and more.

Toward the end of our first session, I asked Jim and Carrie, “Have you ever taken turns on an issue?” Both looked interested but confused. “How would we do that?” Jim asked.

I explained Turn-Taking, one of two relatively simple and remarkably effective methods that any couple can use at home to resolve stubborn, repetitious conflicts. It involves, I told them, allowing your spouse to be temporarily in charge of handling a contentious matter in whatever way he or she sees fit. The job of the other spouse would be to observe without comment, saving discussion for our next meeting.

We set up a two-week experiment — but the couple was so locked in conflict, we had to flip a coin to see who would go first. Jim won. For the first week, he was to decide how to wake the children, what they ate for breakfast, and what to do if they missed the bus. Carrie was to watch and not criticize. During the second week, Carrie would handle the children in her way, while Jim observed without criticism. “You’ll each have a new opportunity to learn more about what makes the other one tick,” I said.

When they returned two weeks later, they began by telling me how astounded the children had been. “They kept trying to get us to fight,” Jim said. He laughed. “When that didn’t work, they actually got ready for school!” The number of missed-bus days diminished rapidly, and if the kids did run late, the parent whose week it was implemented his or her preferred solution.

Both had trouble at first with the observer role. “I had to bite my tongue in the beginning,” Jim said, “but, honestly, I realized that Carrie’s method of getting them out of bed does move them along more easily.” Carrie told me, “I got it that on my days, when they knew I would drive them, they behaved in ways that made them miss the bus. It’s hard for me to say this, but Jim is right on this one.” She added, “We have a lot of other areas we need to address now.” Jim agreed — and both felt hopeful for the first time in ages.

The Turn-Taking experiment broke years of deadlock for Jim and Carrie, offering a clear, fair, and mutually satisfying way to negotiate the differences that pop up in the lives of every couple.

In my experience, marriages work well when partners negotiate so that each person gets some, but not all, of what he or she wants. Too many couples habitually choose the “meet-in-the-middle” method of problem- solving, thinking that it’s less messy and somehow more just. But it isn’t: If he loves the mountains and she loves the shore and they spend every vacation in a big city, they may not argue, but each will feel secretly unfulfilled. Meet-in-the-middle solutions lead to less and less genuine conversation about what each one truly wants. Each time spouses fail to express a clear position or listen to the desires of their mate, the invisible pile of unspoken yearnings separating them grows higher and wider.

Happy couples know how to negotiate — out loud. Learning to do that requires that people dig deep and figure out what’s truly important to them, convey it fully to their spouse, and listen carefully when he or she does the same. The Turn-Taking technique allows that to happen.

For Dena and Henry, a couple who fought over when to have dinner, the starting point in their Turn-Taking experiment was looking closely at the meaning of their preferences. Dena realized that dinner at 6 was the way things had been done in her parents’ home; eating early felt cozy to her. Dinner at 8, Henry’s choice, seemed exhaustingly late to Dena — but to Henry, it was a way of assuring private time with her after the children were in bed. Once Henry understood that early dinner meant comfort to Dena, and Dena understood that late dinner reflected Henry’s desire to be alone with her, they saw that turn-taking would allow them to meet these needs — and definitely beat dining at 7 with cranky kids, which made neither of them happy.

There were other areas of disagreement in their marriage, but turn-taking worked for those, too, providing crucial space for different preferences in the relationship. Negotiated solutions gave each partner some of what he or she wanted — and a lot of unexpected intimacy.

* The names and identifying details of this couple, and of the other couples in this article, have been changed toprotect their privacy.

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Royal wedding: Couple invite 1,900 guests

February 20, 2011 By Leave a Comment

4d37c193500c52fe8f36a88aedb6499a Royal wedding: Couple invite 1,900 guests

Some 1,900 guests will be at the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, St James’s Palace has said.

No names have officially been released as invitations begin arriving but more than half are and friends.

and foreign dignitaries, senior politicians, charity workers and celebrities like the Beckhams are said to be among the Westminster Abbey congregation on 29 April.

Not all the guests at the service will go on to a Buckingham Palace reception.

The BBC’s royal correspondent Peter Hunt says individuals who have come into contact with Prince William will also be present, including people who have been homeless and soldiers injured in and Iraq.

Some famous names on the guest list, such as David and Victoria Beckham, have already trickled out, our correspondent added.

The service will be conducted by the Dean of Westminster, with the Archbishop of Canterbury marrying the prince and his bride.

Seated in the front pews will be the Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of , Duchess of Cornwall and best , Prince Harry.

e870711e513492236142d1b26956c0d0 Royal wedding: Couple invite 1,900 guests

Analysis
Hugo Vickers Royal historian

Good to see that quite a lot of foreign royalty, about 40 of them, will be coming because they always add a good flavour to these occasions. And the Commonwealth is well represented. Also, representatives of Prince William’s charities and the armed services and indeed members of the Cabinet. This still leaves about a thousand people out of the 1,900 or so being invited who are what they call “friends of the couple”.

There’ll be some people who will be invited to the Abbey, that’s about 1,900. There are about 650 people who will be invited to the reception at the palace after the service. And then of course there’s another party in the evening, including a dinner for 300 of their really close genuine friends. So as these invitations arrive, people will be ferreting in the envelopes to see which category they fall into.

Alongside them will be Kate’s parents, Michael and Carole Middleton, Kate’s sister and maid of honour, Pippa, and her brother James.

About 600 relatives, friends and dignitaries are invited to the lunchtime reception hosted by the Queen at Buckingham Palace to toast the couple, who got engaged in October while on holiday in Kenya.

And just 300 will stay on at the palace for a more intimate evening dinner, which will be followed by dancing.

In the past few days, those on the guest list have been opening their invitations – a white card gilded with gold in a pale brown envelope.

The Queen’s initials are die-stamped in gold on the card below a crown.

It reads: “The Lord Chamberlain is commanded by the Queen to invite [name] to the of his Royal Highness Prince William of Wales KG with Miss Catherine Middleton at Westminster Abbey on Friday 29 April 2011 at 11.00am.”

Royal expert Charles Mosley and wedding planner Mark Niemierko discuss how the guests were chosen

Guests are asked to reply to the Lord Chamberlain’s office which is handling the ceremonial and formal parts of the preparations.

The dress requirements are given as “uniform, morning coat or lounge suit”.

The choice of guests who will get to watch the couple exchange vows at the abbey, reflects William’s position as second-in-line to the throne.

They will include more than 200 members of the , parliament and diplomatic corps, as well as 60 governors-general and prime ministers from Commonwealth countries.

Peter Hunt

* For Royal Wedding updates, follow the BBC’s royal correspondent, Peter Hunt, on Twitter

The prince also has a number of charitable , including the homeless organisation Centrepoint, wildlife conservation group, Tusk Trust and the Royal Marsden Hospital. Some 80 representatives will be drawn from charities.

The guest list also includes 30 members of the armed forces as well as representatives from the Church and other faiths.

A spokesman for the Duchess of York confirmed she had not been invited to the wedding.

“She wasn’t and she never thought she would be.

“She won’t be attending and she was never expecting to attend. She’s going to be overseas at the time,” he said.

David Beckham’s spokesman would not confirm whether he and Victoria were invited.

“We’re not discussing it,” he said, adding that it was a private matter.

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Protesters in Bahrain retake Pearl Roundabout

February 19, 2011 By Leave a Comment

96562ddef6769ccecc9c20666fd9d850 Protesters in Bahrain retake Pearl Roundabout

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

* Bahrainis retake square after military pulls out
* The joy contrasted with the violence in last two days
* 10 people died this week during Bahraini unrest

Manama, Bahrain (CNN) — Thousands of joyous Bahrainis retook a major square in the heart of the island nation’s capital Saturday — a dramatic turn of events two days after forces ousted demonstrators from the spot in a deadly attack.

The sight of citizens streaming into Pearl Roundabout came as the Bahrain royal appealed for dialogue to end a turbulent week of unrest and the crown prince ordered the removal of the military from the Pearl Roundabout, a top demand by opposition forces.

Police were placed in charge but withdrew on the heels of the military.

The roundabout — the focal point of protests in central Manama, much like Tahrir Square in the Egyptian capital of Cairo — was filled by people waving Bahraini flags, praying and honking horns.

RELATED TOPICS

* Bahrain

While there was anger in the crowd over longstanding grievances, it was a sharp contrast to deadly confrontations early Thursday and Friday evening.

Many of the protesters are Shiite Muslims, who make up 70 percent of the residents of the island kingdom and have long harbored deep political and economic grievances against the Sunni ruling family.

Bahrain is one of several countries in the and North Africa to face a surge of dissent following the revolts that toppled longtime autocrats in Tunisia and .

This week’s ferment upended the kingdom, a tiny but strategically critical country that’s a key ally and to the Navy’s Fifith Fleet and left 10 dead and many injured.

Two protesters were killed early this week. Four people died after security forces stormed the Pearl Roundabout early Thursday, ousting an encampment of sleeping demonstrators and taking control of the location.

Four others died on Friday evening after demonstrators attempted to approach the square and the security forces fired bullets and tear gas at them.

As international condemnation rolled in over the military’s use of force against peaceful demonstrators, the royal family urged a dialogue with all sectors of the society to resolve the situation.

In a nationally televised address Friday, Crown Prince Salman offered his condolences, cautioned citizens and security forces to restrain themselves, and said the country wants a nation where neither Sunni or Shiites are favored.

After Salman’s TV appearance, King Hamad announced that the crown prince is to lead a dialogue “with all parties and sections of Bahrain, without exception.”

But a leading member of parliament from Bahrain’s main Shiite opposition party, al-Wifaq, told CNN that there can be no dialogue with the government while the military controls the streets.

The crown prince ordered the military Satutrday to withdraw from Bahrain’s streets and left the police in charge to “oversee and order.” He appealed for calm and said “the situation is going back to normal.”

“We are starting a new stage, a stage that we will discuss all our issues with all honesty and integrity,” he said.

“To all the citizen of Bahrain, I hope that we be shoulder to shoulder, collaborate with each other , and communicate with all the political forces.”

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Bahrain protests: Angry mourners bury clashes victims

February 18, 2011 By 1 Comment

66fe26fd238c37c09898f64aacc4ed31 Bahrain protests: Angry mourners bury clashes victims

Thousands of people have been voicing anger against ’s authorities at the funerals of victims of Thursday’s clashes which left four dead.

Crowds attending Friday prayers joined the funeral processions, calling for the overthrow of the ruling family.

At the prayers a top Shia cleric described the clashes as a “massacre”, saying the government had shut the door to dialogue.

There were also reports of a pro-government rally.

After prayers in Manama’s Grand Mosque, demonstrators with Bahraini flags and portraits of the king staged their own march protected by forces, reported.

Correspondents said the rally attracted many non-native Bahrainis, including Sunni Muslims from other Gulf states and South Asia.

Tanks have been stationed at strategic points around the streets of Manama, a day after demonstrators were cleared from the central Pearl Square.

Soldiers would take every measure necessary to preserve security, the interior ministry said.

Bahrain is ruled by a royal family and a Sunni Muslim elite, but has a Shia majority who make up the bulk of the protesters.

The country’s most senior Shia cleric, Sheikh Issa Qassem, described attacks on protesters as a “massacre” and said the government had shut the door to dialogue.

As he spoke at emotionally charged Friday prayers in the Duraz neighbourhood, supporters shouted “victory for Islam”, “death for Al Khalifa [the ruling family]” and “we are your soldiers”.

Western countries have urged Bahrain to show restraint in dealing with protesters and called for meaningful reform in the small Gulf state kingdom.

Pro-democracy protests have recently swept through several Arab nations, with the presidents of Tunisia and Egypt forced to resign amid growing unrest.

‘Justice and freedom’

The funerals of two , one in his 50s the other in his 20s, were held in the village of Sitra.

The two coffins were draped in red-and-white Bahraini flags and placed on top of all-terrain vehicles, which then drove slowly through the streets.

“Trial, trial for the criminal gang,” the crowd shouted, and: “Justice, freedom and constitutional monarchy.”

Some are now calling for the removal of the royal family.

“We used to demand for the prime minister to step down, but now our demand is for the ruling family to get out,” Ahmed Makki Abu Taki, the brother of one of the victims, told Reuters news agency.

Men attending the ceremonies said they were willing to sacrifice their lives for change, as women dressed from head to toe in black chanted: “Revolution till victory.”

Mid-East unrest: Bahrain

953f7bd4203222ce05a5b01bb174bb82 Bahrain protests: Angry mourners bury clashes victims
Map of Bahrain

* King Hamad, 61, has been in power since 1999
* Population 800,000; land area 717 sq km, or 100 times smaller than Irish Republic
* Ranks 48 out of 178 on corruption
* A population with a median age of 30.4 years, and a literacy rate of 91%
* Youth unemployment at 19.6%
* Gross national income per head: $25,420 (World Bank 2009)

* Country profile: Bahrain
* Protests: Country by country

A third funeral was held in the village of Karzakan.

Many more protesters joined the processions after Friday prayers, says the BBC’s Caroline Hawley who was at the funeral.

Our correspondent says the situation is calm but tense, with helicopters overhead the only security presence, and the crucial question is how the security forces respond to the large numbers of protesters.

Since independence from the UK in 1971, tensions between the Sunni elite and the less affluent Shia have frequently caused civil unrest. Shia groups say they are marginalised, subject to unfair laws and repressed.

Washington is watching with growing concern as unrest and violence spread across the , threatening its regional , correspondents say.

While Bahrain is tiny, with a population of less than one million, it is home to the US Navy’s Fifth Fleet and is near another key US ally in the region, Saudi Arabia.

97a1e56b4bab33df96a6188188ca8be5 Bahrain protests: Angry mourners bury clashes victims

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