Stocks rose sharply on Thursday after an unexpected drop in new applications for unemployment benefits and strong retail sales. The Dow Jones industrial average had its biggest gain since Dec. 1.
* What You Need To Know
* If women you date start asking for handouts, you need to change your game.
* Bring her on dates that don’t cost you a dime, and see if she sticks around.
* After she’s emotionally invested, money is just a bonus for her.
“Rent, car payments — you name it, they were asking for it. ”
When it comes to dating, relationships and marriage, guys throughout history have asked the same questions over and over — let’s call them the “Eternal Questions.” “When is the right time to have sex?” “How do I know it’s time to break up?” “What do I do when she gets pregnant and we didn’t plan it?” These are the sorts of challenges I’ll help you deal with by addressing a new question every week. If you have your own questions you’d like answered, please e-mail me. I’ve been helping people deal with these issues professionally for 14 years. On AskMen, I hope to help even more of you find some positive solutions and move your lives in the directions you want them to go.
Let’s say you’re at that point in your life where everything is great. Maybe you’re in your mid-20s, maybe somewhere in your 30s. You’ve got a nice place to live. You’ve got great clothes. You can afford nice hotels. You’re at the top of your game. You’re a business success. You have money in the bank. And now you want to go out there and meet women. but this question keeps popping up in your head: “Does she only want me for my money?”
Here’s what I tell every single guy with money who wants to date and meet women that want them for them. And this advice you can take to heart. I had a client a couple of years back; he lived in a beautiful house in Bel Air. I mean, it was right out of Architectural Digest. The house had to cost at least $10 million — a real $10 million house, not an over-inflated $10 million house based on some real estate boom. Every woman he dated immediately started asking for things. Rent, car payments — you name it, they were asking for it. They expected handouts. I said to my client: “Let’s not expose this side of you right now. You are really the same guy you always were, but now you have money.”
I came up with a plan for him. The plan was not to show his beautiful Bel Air house to any women he dated for the first six months. He looked at me confusedly and asked, “Do you mean I need to rent another house?” I said, “Absolutely.” He looked at me like it was the craziest idea in the entire world.
More on how to avoid the dreaded gold digger…
“Instead of impressing women with a $250 or $300 dinner, he started taking them out on free dates. ”
But he did end up renting a small one-bedroom apartment. I let him keep the nice car because anybody can afford a lease payment. But I also gave him a budget on all dates. Instead of impressing women with a $250 or $300 dinner, he started taking them out on free dates. He took women for walks in the park, on the beach, a drive down to Malibu for the day, and for fish tacos at the taco stand. Another bit of advice I told my client was: “Don’t talk about work and don’t tell her you run five companies. Just tell her you’ve got your hands in a couple of different ventures right now or that you’re an entrepreneur.” He did this with every woman he took out for the first five dates.
Why five dates? Because within five dates, women know whether or not they want to move forward with you. Within five dates, women either have an emotional connection to you or they don’t. So by the time you actually bring them back to your house — your man castle — they’re already emotionally invested, and it has nothing to do with how much money you earn.
A lot of men who are very successful tend to brag about who they are on dates because, as men, we brag a lot among ourselves. We’ve done it our whole lives. Remember when you got that first stereo and it sounded really great? You invited your friend over, and the first thing you did was make him sit on the couch and listen to the music really loud and talk about how great of a deal you got. By taking this out of the equation — by simplifying your dates and not talking about money and not talking about work — you’ll genuinely bond with women.
A gold digger will never go out with you past the first date if she can’t sum up who you are and assess what they can get out of you. So any woman who will go through a five-date cycle is looking for a real guy. The money and the toys and the beautiful home will just be an added benefit. Try this out if you need to get rid of the gold diggers in order to find the gems.
HERNDON, Va. — Network Solutions, one of the world’s top five domain registrars, has gone live with a “Be ready for the launch of .XXX!” webpage, marketing the virtues of the sTLD that hasn’t yet been green lighted by ICANN.
“.XXX will be launching shortly and Network Solutions is working with ICM Registry to provide informational services for our customers that wish to take advantage of the launch and register domain names,” Network Solutions says on the webpage.
The registrar, which has more than 6.7 million domains under management, goes on to say that “those voluntarily identifying themselves as compliant with a comprehensive set of Best Business Practices that are part of the registry policies can provide more predictable revenue streams, greater customer retention and fewer complaints, as regulators and others will see adult entertainment providers take a proactive and responsible approach to their web presence.”
Network Solutions spokesman Shashi Bellamkonda told XBIZ that the company is simply gearing up for a possible .XXX roll out if it is approved at ICANN’s general board meeting on Friday, March 18.
“At this time, we are preparing for a possible launch of .XXX just like we would for any new domain,” he said. “Being a leader in the domain industry, we constantly look for opportunities that can help our small business customers.
“ICANN will determine whether .XXX will get the green light and we will support the launch of .XXX if and when it gets approved.”
With the decision to launch a “be ready” site, Bellamkonda said that Network Solutions has been working with ICM Registry to offer customers “the opportunity to protect their brand with .XXX domains.”
“As with any other domain extension that gets launched in the marketplace, we will support the extension if we believe that it brings value to our customers,” he said.
So many married couples seem to struggle to keep passion alive in their relationship. And it’s no wonder: There’s no shortage of factors that wreak havoc on sex lives ?- from busy schedules to kids to changing, aging bodies. Without physical intimacy, what’s left to hold a marriage together? Plenty, one would think: shared history, family, friendship. So just how important is sex and passion to a marriage?
“Work + Kissing = a Happy Marriage”
It’s hard for me to comment on the notion of aging bodies affecting passion, because I met my wife 11 years ago and age has only made her more beautiful. I, on the other hand, am a different story. I’m looking more and more like Elliot Gould each day. (No offense, Elliot Gould. You’re just much older than I am.) So you’d have to ask her. But as for the mundane rhythms of life ?- from the hectic schedules to the screaming babies ?- it all adds up to a situation that seems a bit more like two shift workers trying to keep a business afloat than it does a healthy marriage. Sex is hugely important. Especially when it’s part of the deal that you’re not allowed to go anywhere else to get it. I used to hate it when I heard people say things like “Marriage is work,” but when routine sets in I realize that marriage is work. And it’s worth it. But my one little secret? Kissing. Married couples don’t kiss like they did when they were dating, and they should really, really try. What better way to save a marriage than a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
“Do Whatever It Takes”
Cathi Hanauer & Daniel Jones
Cathi: Virtually every marriage, no matter how steamy at the beginning, goes through sexual dry spells. As long as you have other ways of connecting and having fun together during those dry spells, that’s okay. The problem comes when sex and passion drop out of a marriage purely because caring for each other is so low on your list of priorities that you start to treat one another like roommates. Often, making time to have sex can end up being less about the physical act than about taking a moment to reconnect, share a laugh or a moment of affection and remember why you’ve committed to this person in the first place.
Dan: See, I wonder if this is one of those questions that’s different for men and women. Married or not, most men seem to need sex regularly. For women, I believe passion is an essential: a sense of desiring and being desired. But sex with their husbands? I’ll bet many could take it or leave it. (By the way, I’m talking about everyone else’s sex life here, not my own, which is, of course, perfect.)
What is important for all of us married people is that we air our expectations and needs and work at ways to meet them. Some people schedule dates with their spouse, go to hotels, watch porn, take ballroom dancing lessons, send dirty text messages to each other ?- whatever it takes, as long as you’re honest and not overly greedy. Don’t be embarrassed about what you need. And don’t keep your needs and desires in marriage all to yourself as your resentment festers and divorce looms. In marriage, a little effort to please the other person can go a long way.
“Sex Fizzles Long before Love”
Dr. Sarah Stedman
An ideal marriage would be one that includes a balance between mind, spirit and body. So the question becomes: Which of these components truly anchors a marriage through “better or worse”? It is my belief that sex and passion can be part of any relationship ?- and are therefore pretty easy to attain. Everything else requires a certain depth of intimacy and commitment to the partnership. When the physical component is missing or troubled for whatever reason, it is even more important for the other sustaining elements to be present.
As we grow older, our bodies change ?- but so do our notions about romantic and sexual love. So in their young married years, couples need to recognize the importance of becoming one another’s dearest friend, of building interests together and stimulating each other intellectually, because a couple’s sex life is likely to fizzle out long before their love for one another. And if that is done successfully, people will realize that life holds few joys more satisfying than the process of growing old with your life partner.
“It’s All about Intimacy”
Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW
Sex is very important to a marriage. Just ask the one out of every three spouses who’s in a marriage where there’s a sexual desire gap. That is, one spouse is desperately unhappy because this person isn’t having sex nearly as often as he or she would like, and the other wonders, “What’s the big deal? It’s just sex.” But for the spouse yearning for more touch, it is a big deal. Sex isn’t just a physical release, it’s about feeling wanted, connected and loved.
When this sort of misunderstanding occurs, intimacy on all levels fades. Couples stop spending time together, snuggling on the couch, engaging in meaningful conversation, laughing at each other’s jokes. Friendship is replaced by resentment, hostility and a painful distancing. This puts marriages at risk of infidelity and/or divorce. But the good news is that regardless of the reasons for a sexual meltdown ?- whether it’s due to biological, personal or relationship issues ?- excellent help is available. Anyone wanting a more robust and passionate love life can have it
“Sex Keeps Love Alive”
I think sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. If one or both partners is sexually frustrated, that’s likely to wreak havoc on the relationship, often in ways that the couple doesn’t even realize. They may be snapping at each other over other matters when the real conflict stems from problems in the sexual arena. The more discord there is in a relationship, the less likely it is that the couple is going to want to have sex. This in turn establishes a vicious cycle that causes not only the couple’s sex life, but also the relationship, to spiral downward.
Another pitfall of an asexual relationship is that all physical contact can eventually cease. Hugs and kisses aren’t a substitute for sex, but such physical contact is also a necessary component of a healthy relationship. If two people are acting like roommates, then after a while their reasons for staying together become increasingly questionable. For these reasons, it’s vital for couples of any age to be proactive and to keep the fires of passion burning. If their sexual fires become completely extinguished, slowly but surely their relationship will die out too.
Are you ready to start seriously looking for a long-term relationship, but don’t know where to start? Have you exhausted all possible leads from your friends and family? Do you ever feel like you’re never going to meet someone that you can like, love, and trust?
Nobody has ever said that meeting someone is easy — especially after a divorce. It’s hard to start dating after years without practice, and facing the dating scene today is especially challenging. But take heart: people just like you start relationships every day.
What are the best ways to find and meet potential partners? What are the expectations between couples these days? How do you venture out as a single — safely and successfully? What’s the first step?
Are you ready?
If you aren’t emotionally ready to start a new relationship, you won’t end up with the right person. Barbara De Angelis, relationship expert and the author of Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who’s Right and Avoiding Who’s Wrong (Delacorte Press) recommends asking yourself these questions to determine whether you’re ready to have an intimate relationship.
1. Are you still angry and resentful towards your ex?
2. Do you dislike who you are? Do you feel lonely and desperate without a relationship?
3. Are you still in love with your ex?
4. Do you feel like you have nothing valuable to offer someone?
If you answered “yes” to even one of these questions, you probably aren’t ready for a new relationship. Perhaps you need more time to recover sufficiently from your relationship breakdown before you try again. If you suspect that you aren’t ready for love, work on improving your relationship with yourself first. When you can honestly answer “no” to each of these questions, you’ll be ready. Meeting strategy # 1: develop a hobby
The first thing to learn is there is no one right or wrong strategy for finding someone. If you think long and hard about it, you’ll realize that you actually have limitless opportunities to meet people. Try something you’ve never done before — or something you used to enjoy before your marriage. For instance, perhaps you loved hiking or biking, but stopped going because your ex didn’t enjoy those activities. Or maybe you loved to dance, but your ex had two left feet. Taking some dance lessons is a great way to meet new people with a similar interest, and boost your self-confidence. You’ll probably make some great new friends along the way as you become more involved with a variety of activities. After all, a person with interests is automatically interesting to others who share the same hobbies. Go places where the sort of people you’d like to meet might be — whether that’s a dance club, a wine tasting club or a scuba diving club. But remember that meeting someone is not a life-or-death mission: it should be fun. Lighten up, go out to a place or event you’ll enjoy, and take a friend with you the first time, if you feel nervous. Do whatever it takes to make yourself comfortable, and start today!
Introduction services are gaining in popularity as people find they need help to find Mr. or Ms. Right in these hectic times. There is a range of dating services available today: some do the matchmaking for you; others let you select from videos or from short bios. What they all have in common is a client-base of individuals who are looking for a relationship.
Matchmaking services will typically ask new members to fill in a detailed questionnaire about themselves, their likes and dislikes, and what kind of person they’re looking for as their ideal mate. Most will perform an in-depth personal interview with each member. You’ll work with a company consultant who will attempt to find close matches for your personality profile — which includes your attitude, emotional maturity, and social skills — and provide you with detailed information and phone numbers of appropriate matches. Both parties are usually notified of a potential match, so that either can initiate the first phone call. After the call and possibly first date, each member calls his or her consultant to provide feedback. Hopefully an on-going relationship will eventually develop between two members and no further referrals will be supplied unless the relationship breaks down, at which point the process starts over again.
A matchmaker may also help you identify your strengths and weaknesses, and tell you how you might be perceived by others. Since no two dating services are alike, call several to request information about their procedures, policies, and prices. Don’t hesitate to ask questions, and don’t be pressured into making a decision on the spot. Matchmaking services can be expensive, but they will save you the time and effort of attending socials or sorting through and responding to personal ads. Before signing with a matchmaker:
* Talk to at least three agencies to compare costs and services.
* Check the agencies with the Better Business Bureau or your state licensing board.
* Ask for testimonials or referrals to satisfied clients.
* Ask how long the agency has been in business.
* Ask how many people in your age range they have on their register of each sex.
* Know exactly what the services are, and what they will cost.
* Ask about methods of payment. Do they require all the money in advance of services, or can you pay in installments?
The personal approach
Personal ads are not for everyone, but many people have found love through this method. “Placing a personal ad is not only a cost-effective way to meet someone but it exposes you to a lot of people quickly,” says Emily Thornton Cavlo, co-author of 25 Words Or Less a new book on how to write an effective, personal ad. “Psychologically, placing an ad puts you into the dating mode, and it helps to know that there are lots of other people just like you who want to meet someone but don’t want to go through the club or bar scene.”
If you get bogged down in the process of writing an ad, start by letting your subconscious do all the work: just jot down all the things that come to mind when you think of a potential mate, and what you consider your best points to be. Once you’ve laid the groundwork, refining your ad is relatively easy.
Cavlo and her co-author, Laurence Minisky, recommend keeping three things in mind when writing and responding to a personals ad:
1. What kind of person are you looking for? We all have a list of traits we want in a partner. These traits can be anything from “kind and sensitive” to a “non-smoker who likes children under the age of four.”
2. What kind of person are you? Make a list of words that describe you, then select the words that really paint a picture about who you are — the ones that make a reader see, hear, smell, and taste who you are. By doing this, “generous” becomes “volunteer reader for the blind,” and “loves to cook,” becomes “you’ll love my sun-dried tomato lasagna.”
3. What level of commitment are you looking for? If you clarify the level of commitment and intimacy you’re looking for, you’ll target the people who are looking for the same type of relationship. Being straightforward about what you want ensures you don’t get involved with someone with a different agenda than yours. And don’t respond to ads with an incompatible level of commitment, no matter how interesting the person sounds.
Once you’ve written your masterpiece, you must decide where to place it. “Opportunities as to where you should place your ad are growing daily,” says Minisky. “A way to choose where to best place your ad is to look at the publication’s target readership. If it’s important to you to date someone who lives close by, place an ad in the local newspaper, or on your supermarket bulletin board. If you’d like to date a single father, seek out a single-parent’s newsletter or website, and so on. If you place your ad in the wrong place, you’ll have a hard time finding the right person for you.”
The cost of placing a personal ad can range from free to hundreds of dollars. If your budget allows, place your ad in a publication you read or website you visit yourself.
Responding to an ad is a kind of advertisement in its own right. Use the same three criteria (above) to introduce yourself to the person who placed the ad. Refer to something about the ad you particularly liked, so the recipient knows that you’re responding to him or her specifically — that you’re not just sending form letters to everyone.
This form of meeting someone is fairly new but growing at a fast rate. Telephone personals services such as Chit Chat, New York’s #1 Talkline, and Telepersonals allow you to record an ad, which other members can then listen to over the phone. If you pique someone’s interest, he or she will leave a message for you. Of course, you can listen to other members’ messages and respond to as many as you like. When you call in, an automated voice prompts you through a series of choices to route you to a specific part of overall system.
Many services are completely free for women, since there are usually more men than women using the service.
It’s also usually free for men to record their ad and listen to ads, but men usually have to pay to respond to ads and to pick up their messages. With many services, you would first select an age group, then what kind of relationship you are looking for (from friendship to marriage), and then the basic personality of the person you are hoping to meet.
Once you’ve hit it off and exchanged several messages with someone, take the time to have two or three long phone conversation before deciding to meet. This gives you the opportunity to explore whether your interests, attitudes, values, and relationship goals are compatible, and to judge the character of your prospective date. Taking the time to talk to each other not only helps you build a rapport, it also helps you better determine if the person is right for you.
“I decided to use a telephone personals company because it was fast, easy, and inexpensive,” says Shawn, a former member of a telephone personals service. “As a part-time single dad with a demanding career as a computer programmer, I didn’t have a lot of time to spend looking for the perfect mate. I joined from home, and listened to ads after the kids went to sleep. I never met anyone on the system that I didn’t like, and I dated two or three nice women before meeting Debbie. We talked for a couple of hours before we met (which is amazing because I hate phone conversations), so I knew we were intellectually compatible. As soon as she walked into the restaurant, I knew that she was the one. We got married last spring — three years from the day we met.”
The Internet connects over 25-million people from over 60 countries every day. More and more people are joining this cybersociety at a fantastic rate. It’s accessible 24 hours a day — come rain or shine, sleet or snow — from the comfort of your own home. All you need to launch yourself into cyberspace is a computer, a modem, some communications software, an internet provider (such as AOL) and a phone line or cable access to your provider.
Online matchmaking services, such as Match.com and Lavalife, provide a user-friendly way to meet people.
A leader in online personals, Match.com offers a fun and safe way to meet other singles. With more than 1.2-million members, this service offers a large member pool of quality singles, the majority of whom range in age from 25 to 45. Their “Super Search” allows you to quickly find profiles which fit your criteria, and will also send you new profiles that match your wants as they are posted. Match.com offers all users a free seven-day trial with unlimited access to browse through its member profile database.
Lavalife has been around for over 15 years. With more than 50,000 messages being posted everyday, Webpersonals offers three distinct destinations: one for men and women to connect; one for gay men (“manline”); and one for gay women (“womanline”). Once you’ve picked a destination, you can choose which community you’d like to join: “Dating,” Romance,” or “Intimate.” You can sign up in any or in all communities, then search each one for someone interesting. Their search engine allows you to be very specific about what kind of person you’re looking for; once you have your results, you can read any of the selected bios you wish.
Much like real-world dating, some people treat online dating as a fun way to pass time — a novelty. Others treat it as a genuine and meaningful way of socializing, hopefully leading towards a long-term relationship.
“Meeting online means you really have to work on your communication skills,” says Nina, a Toronto cosmetician who met Brian from Colarado. “It cuts through the superficial small talk, so you can immediately get to know someone. There’s no time to talk about the weather.” For the last two years, the two have gotten to know each other via the internet, and spent to two weeks vacationing together last summer. Now, the couple is making plans for Brian to move to Toronto to be with Nina. The discussions in cyberspace often cut through the small talk and superficiality of ordinary life. People can be intimate without being self-conscious, which can lead to deeper conversations (or cybersex, if you’re so inclined). It’s not without dirty spots, but cyberspace can be like the real world: it’s an exciting terrain to explore.
Wining and dining
Singles dances and parties are held on a weekly or monthly basis in every major city in North America. When you go to a function sponsored by a singles organization, the key is to make conversation with a number of different people and really listen to what they’re saying (both verbally and with body language).
Remember, it’s not enough to simply place yourself in a meeting environment: you need to maintain a positive attitude and give off inviting vibes (“inviting” does not mean promiscuous! Be appropriate). If you’re unfriendly, no one will take the time to get to know you. If you go with friends, don’t cling to them; approaching a pack of men or women can be too intimidating for someone who’d otherwise love to talk you.
Since we all have to eat, dinner groups can be an excellent way to meet someone and enjoy a great meal at the same time. The Single Gourmet offers events across North America — including New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles. It has more than 1,000 members in each of these cities. The Single Gourmet attracts single professionals who have a love of fine food, conversation, and socializing with other interesting singles. This atmosphere offers singles the opportunity to meet while dining together at a wide variety of the cities’ restaurants on a weekly schedule.
One terrific way to meet a lot of eligible people at once is host a dinner party with seven or eight other friends, each of whom is asked to bring one or more attractive eligible people of the opposite sex with whom they are not personally involved. Roger, a business executive with little spare time for socializing, began to hold monthly parties where he invited male friends to bring the most fascinating women they knew as long as they were not romantically linked. When it became clear that many of the invitees were showing up alone, Roger enlisted the help of women who had been to past parties to invite their single female friends. Hosting single soirees, theme parties, and other events is a great way to expand your network quickly.
Theater enthusiasts, music lovers, dance devotees, museum goers, and art aficionados will be happy to know that there are many people who share your interests — and many organizations and events that can bring you together.
When it comes to theater, you could attend a benefit for a theater company, see a play with other singles, or even take an acting class or audition for the community theater.
Most cities boast at least one museum. In addition to exhibits, your local museum might offer special events, such as silent movie programs, modern film classics programs, concerts, lecture series on arts, and hands-on art classes.
Another way to meet someone with the same appreciation for the arts is take a class. Consider signing up for group lessons in painting, ceramics and pottery, or dancing (take some private lessons first to brush up or gain confidence). You’ll not only meet great new people who share your interests, but you’ll have the fun of participating in a new hobby.
Parties for a Purpose
Involvement with non-profit organizations offers gratification in more ways than one. By investing your time, energy, and/or money as a volunteer, or by participating in fundraising events, you may experience a fruitful social life and feel good about making a contribution to a worthwhile cause. The more involved you become, the better you’ll get to know others who share your sensibility and desire to “do good.”
Many organizations offer volunteer opportunities, but may require a serious time commitment; take this into consideration when selecting which organization to support. Charities and special-interest groups and organizations are also a great way to connect with like-minded men and women. Many of the non-profit helping organizations — such as The American Red Cross, The American Cancer Society, The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, or The Multiple Sclerosis Society — wouldn’t be able to provide services to those in need without their dedicated volunteers. The rewards for helping others really can’t be measured. You’ll experience a genuine feeling of self-worth and of real usefulness — valuable indeed if you’re going through a difficult separation or divorce.
Life after divorce can be emotionally as well as physically exhausting. Depending on your unique situation and needs, a retreat, some exercise, or education could work wonders for your health, your peace of mind, and your social life. If you feel good about yourself, it shows — and that makes you much more attractive to others.
What’s the best kind of exercise? The one you enjoy doing, because you’ll actually do it. If you’d like the opportunity to meet people while getting or staying fit, choose a group activity such as co-ed volleyball, skiing, hiking, or a biking club. If you’re feeling self-conscious about your athletic ability, choose a more relaxed “fun” team or club. Don’t choose a sport you hate just because you think you’ll meet more potential dates; if you’re having a lousy time, you’re going to be lousy company.
Another way to improve yourself, and increase your opportunities to meet people, is to take some classes. You can study almost any subject in the world, from academic subjects (such as history, philosophy, literature, and psychology) to yoga to desktop publishing. You can learn how to play the stock market or how to play chess, fix your car or bake bread. The Learning Annex and the Seminar Centers in your area offer great classes on a variety of subjects. There are even classes on how to find your soulmate! Your classmates will be people like you: they’ll be interested in knowing more about an intriguing topic, and might just be hoping to meet new people and develop new friends.
Travel offers wonderful opportunities for singles. Adults-only resorts such as the Allegro Jack Tar in Mexico and Hedonism II in Jamaica provide a relaxed atmosphere and activities designed to encourage guests to mingle and meet. You could also join a singles tour geared to your tastes and interests — whether that’s visiting European art galleries or going on Safari in Africa. If you’re traveling alone, you can request a roommate (lowering your expenses and giving you a companion), and you’re sure to befriend others in the group.
“Group tours can really expand your horizons,” says Martha Chapman of Signature Vacations. “You’ll have the opportunity to visit a destination you’ve always wanted to see, take advantage of the package prices, and you have access to lots of company if you want it. You’re alone, but not lonely.” Chapman also recommends taking advantage of the benefits that an all-inclusive package can offer. “All- inclusive resorts can offer you lots of security, activities, and an ambiance that allows you to meet a lot of new people. Everything is included and offered right there at the resorts, giving you the opportunity to try something new — such as scuba diving, windsurfing, sightseeing, or going on an archeological dig. You’ll be taking those lessons and day trips with many other guests of the resort, many of whom will probably become good friends and companions for the rest of your stay.”
Some all-inclusive resorts are very singles-oriented or offer adult-only stays. Call your travel agent, who should be able to help you find the perfect destination, package, or tour for you.
Get out and socialize
“I took a survey among my friends who are married or in a serious relationship,” says Diane, a single professional who works for an insurance association. “There are many ways to meet your soul mate, but none of them involve sitting at home doing nothing.”
Still have no idea where to find single people? No problem. These suggestions are sure to put you where you want to be — with other great singles! If you’re shy, try the approaches that scare you the least to start with.
* Bookstores. Select an interesting book, then approach someone and ask them if they’ve ever read it or know the author’s work.
* Single Parent Support Groups. If you’re a single parent, this is a great way to share your concerns, get helpful ideas, and meet other like-minded single parents.
* Coffee Houses. A casual and popular spot for singles these days. Sit down with a copy of Divorce Magazine (it’s a great conversation piece!) and enjoy the exotic blends. Some coffee houses offer poetry readings and live music as well.
* Parks. A great place to walk or picnic. Check with your local department of parks and recreation and get on their mailing list. They sponsor some great activities, like dancing in the park, arts, and craft shows. And walking a cute, friendly dog is a great way to meet people — they’ll come to you!
* Video stores. Are you into comedy? Or maybe you need a little drama in your life. Find someone interesting in the oldies section. Reminisce with him or her about how they just don’t make movies like that anymore, then discuss your favorite classics.
* Commuting. Taking the train or bus from work doesn’t have to be boring. Sit next to someone you find interesting, start up a conversation, and make the trip home an enjoyable one.
As you begin looking into one or more of these possibilities, you’ll discover more opportunities than you could have imagined to meet other single people in your area. Take a good look at the bulletin boards on the internet and listing section of your local newspapers and magazines for singles events that might interest you.
The opportunities for you to reach out and become involved in absorbing and enjoyable activities — to keep on learning and growing, to do some good, to make new friends, and perhaps even find new love — are all around you. All you have to do is seize them.
Dating safety rules
Caution is the keyword here. It doesn’t matter how or where you’ve met someone — whether it was through the personals, online, at a bar, or even though friends — don’t rush into too much intimacy too fast. Don’t be too quick to give your phone number, address, deeply personal information — or your body — to a virtual stranger. Some of life’s dangers are beyond your control, but you can protect yourself against others.
“Get to know someone on the phone before planning to meet up with them,” says Cavlo. “Take your time and get to know their sense of humor, their interests, and hear about their lives, so you have a better idea of who you are meeting — or if you really want to meet them.”
Use common sense when you plan to meet face-to-face with someone new. Here are a few tips to help keep you safe:
* Never invite strangers to your home until they are no longer strangers. This means you don’t give your address to anyone until you feel reasonably sure he/she won’t hurt you when you are alone with him/her, or try to break into your home to carry off your precious possessions when you’re away.
* Meet in a public spot, preferably during the day. Coffee is quick, and if things are going well, you can always extend it into a meal. But if you arrange to meet for dinner and a movie, your evening may seem like an eternity if things are going badly.
* Use your own transportation. After you’ve met the person, if you have any doubts at all about him or her, don’t allow yourself to be driven to dinner or to the theater. Take your own car. If you have strong doubts, don’t go.
* If you don’t have a car, make sure you have some cash and a credit card so you can get home.
* Carry change for a telephone or bring a cellular phone.
* Leave a trail. If you’re going out with someone for the first time, let a friend or family member know where you’re going, when you’ll be back, and who you’re with. Tell them you’re going out with someone you don’t know very well and give them your date’s name, phone number, and any information that you may have about the person.
* Be on the lookout for inconsistency. “Does the information you’re received during your date agree with the facts you got over the phone, through e-mail, etc.?” says Minsky. “If the person is still very secretive about where they work or live even after several conversations, this can be a sign that there may be a hidden agenda that isn’t in your best interests.”
* Keep your financial situation to yourself. Be wary of too many questions about your assets. Don’t be persuaded to invest in anything without full investigation.
* At the end of a date, make sure you aren’t being followed home. If you are being followed, drive to a police station or a friend’s apartment where you can call the police.
* If you don’t like the person, don’t give him or her your home phone number. Give a phony number, if it will let you make your exit without creating a scene.
* Trust your gut. If you have a feeling that there’s something wrong, then there’s something wrong. And you should go with that feeling. All in all, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
Also remember not to take your date’s reticence on certain matters personally. They may just be protecting themselves in case you turn out to be a psycho. For the first few weeks, if he doesn’t want you to see his car, or she doesn’t want to tell you where she lives, that’s smart. If it’s been six months, however, you should smell a rat.
What happens next?
You never know what can come from a date: it may be nothing, it may be a friendship, it may be a romance. Don’t set impossible standards for yourself or your date. You may certainly have a wish list, but you’re now mature enough to know that no one person can be expected to meet all your needs. Allow yourself and others to be human. That doesn’t mean accepting someone as partner if he or she doesn’t enrich and enhance your life in important ways, but it does mean getting rid of fantasies of the perfect mate.
Just be open to everyone you meet. Maybe you’ve found your next employer. A sister or brother-in-law. Or a new friend. Learn from your dates; even if they go badly, it can help you identify the qualities you don’t want in a mate. Have respect for yourself: you deserve to be treated well. Have respect for others: don’t be rude unless you have to. Above all, relax and enjoy yourself. Dating may seem very different this time around, but it’s still good fun and can be very rewarding.
How will you know?
You’ve meet someone you really like, but you’re wondering whether he or she is really right for you.
Take the time to see if you are compatible: physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, sexually, professionally, and in your hobbies (add or subtract items from this list based on your own wants and needs).
In Are you the One for Me? Barbara De Angelis offers a “Sixty Second Compatibility Test” you can use to see how well matched you are with someone. She suggests you ask yourself the following four questions about your prospective or present partners:
* Would I want to have a child with this person?
* Would I want to have a child just like this person?
* Do I want to become more like this person?
* Would I be willing to spend my life with this person if he or she never changed from the way they are now?
If you answered “yes” to all four questions, you’re probably compatible with one another. If you answered “no,” ask yourself why.
Once you think you’ve found the partner of your dreams, what can you do to create a marriage in which you have the kind of intimacy you want but still retain your sense of self as an separate individual?
According to Victoria Jaycox, author of Single Again, “One step is to make sure that you and your partner have the same kind of marriage in mind. Talk through what each of you expects from a partner and try to work out any differences before you marry. Discuss how you will handle differences, your own separate responsibilities, and how you will be there to support each other. What you want to achieve is an understanding about the nature of your marriage.”
The second step is to decide whether you’re willing to make those efforts and compromises required by this relationship. Those are the costs. For the benefits to outweigh them, your new partner must be someone who meets your needs for caring, intimacy and autonomy,” says relationship expert Barbara De Angelis. “Although finding that person is rare, it does happen. And if it has happened to you, you better than anyone will be able to recognize and grab hold of the miracle it represents.”
Coping with divorce and the prospect of new sexual relationships can be emotionally challenging, to say the least. Here’s a look at some of the pitfalls and opportunities you’ll encounter as you rebuild your sex life.
When it comes to divorce and new relationships, there’s a memorable line from the 1989 Rob Reiner film, When Harry Met Sally. Soon-to-be-married Marie and Jess have each just gotten off the phone from consoling their single friends, Harry and Sally, who are suffering the tremors of emotional uncertainty brought on by the aftermath of their first sexual encounter together. Afterward, Marie turns to Jess and pleads: “Please tell me I will never have to be out there again!”
That we understand this sentiment should come as no surprise. When married, our sexual routine was a safe bet. We either had sex or we didn’t. We were familiar with our partner’s moves, and we knew what was expected of us. Whatever else it may have been, it was safe. And our needs were — to varying extents, depending on the partnership — being met. After a break-up, however, things are neither “safe” nor predictable. We’re not only dealing with a painful recovery process, but we’re also wondering if we’ll ever have a satisfying relationship — or whether we’ll be able to love or be loved — again.
Sex and divorce are two of the most emotionally potent subjects of our time. When combined, they create a psychological cocktail with all the portents of both ecstasy and hangover, of pleasure and pain, of risk and failure. And, as with any strong elixir, the subliminal message reads: handle with care.
Unless you left your ex for someone else, break-up usually means being single again. And being single again means that you’re going to face, in one way or another, the potential of new relationships and their inherent sexuality. And sexuality, for all the self-help manuals that have proliferated in North America over the last few decades, still remains a mystery to some extent. Sex is the private poetry that flows between two individuals — even if only for the moment — carrying with it a unique signature of communication at its most intimate. It’s a physical and emotional union where our most primal expressions of self are laid bare to another being.
Divorce, on the other hand, no matter how common it has become in our society, is still a painful psychological process of denial and acceptance, grief and growth, death and rebirth. How is one to manage both the pain of divorce and the uncertainty of new sexual encounters when dealing with one comes so close upon the heels of the other? Coping with divorce and the prospect of intimate sexual relationships thereafter is like having each foot in a different camp: which deserves the most attention?
The answer lies in finding the root that connects them both: in dealing with one issue, you ultimately find yourself dealing with both. And in order to begin that process, you need to examine the dynamics of the partnership that’s ended and identify a starting point uniquely your own.
Being out in the cold
According to Jill Fein, a certified Imago relationship therapist and LCSW practicing in Lincolnwood, IL, some people want to get right back on the horse after splitting up with their spouse — and the sooner, the better. “It’s a way to reassure themselves that they’re still desirable,” she says. “Others are very cautious: they want to protect themselves from ever being hurt again. Many clients have told me they’d love to be in a relationship if there were a guarantee they wouldn’t get hurt. But opening your heart to someone is a risk — and it’s the risk you have to take if you want to be in a relationship.”
There’s absolutely no doubt that the prospect of new sexual relationships is going to bring emotional issues related to your break-up to the forefront. If you have unresolved hurt or anger, these are going to affect your sexuality and your ability to become involved in a fulfilling manner. Post-divorce sex can either salt the existing wounds or be a loving, satisfying experience; it depends on where you are on your “healing curve.”
Being dumped can bring on low self-esteem, feelings of personal failure, rejection, and abandonment. And these will have a tremendous impact on how you perceive your sexual attractiveness and the way you interact sexually. In addition, there’s still a considerable divide between men and women with respect to sexual objectives and attitudes that govern sexual behavior.
Looking for Mr./Ms. Goodbar
Feelings of abandonment or rejection can manifest themselves in a number of ways. You could experience some sexual inhibitions and feel fearful of sexual contact, since rejection can have a debilitating effect on your sense of inner self and body image. Alternatively, you could use your sexuality as a vehicle to act out your anger and to regain a sense of control, or as an attention-getting device, attempting to repair your damaged self-esteem.
A woman who has been left by her spouse often loses much of her self-confidence and self-esteem, notes Toronto-based individual and marital therapist Karen Solomon-Ament. “She needs to feel love and acclamation, and so she’ll have sex with the guy who gives her attention and fulfills her immediate need. Then she wakes up the next morning hating herself. It can also be a way of retaliating from being in a relationship where she felt impotent, neglected, or rejected.” Of course, men can end up on this emotional rollercoaster, too.
Solomon-Ament says that this is really a form of self-sabotage: that by using casual sex specifically to deal with unresolved issues, you’re only effecting a temporary cure that carries one hell of an emotional hang-over — not to mention the physical dangers of having sex with someone you don’t know well. Your self-esteem and sense of self-worth continue to be assaulted the “morning after,” and you’re actively denying yourself all of the joy and fulfillment of a loving sexual relationship.
Sex with your ex
Many couples who’ve split up avoid the whole prospect of being out in the cold by continuing to have a sexual relationship even though the relationship is over. It’s a way of remaining in the safe, secure sexual environment we know and delaying the inevitable plunge into the unknown singles market. Therapists, however, are quick to point out that it “ain’t over ’till it’s over.” In other words, while sex with your ex can provide a wonderful release, you need to let go sexually in order to fully heal, grow, and move on to a new life. And that won’t happen until you and your ex can agree to stay out of each other’s beds.
Sharon admits to having an on-again, off-again affair with her ex-husband, Dave, for four years after they split up. “Every time we’d make love, I’d think ‘This feels so great — he must want to get back together with me.’ And each time, I ended up hurt and disappointed, because all he wanted was the sex.” The last time they slept together, Dave told her he was engaged to someone else. “It was like a cold bucket of water in the face,” Sharon remembers. “I asked him how he could cheat on his fiancée, and he replied that it wasn’t really cheating if it was just with me.” She suddenly realized that he intended to go on having sex with her even after his marriage to another woman, and that she had to terminate their sexual relationship if she wanted to get over him and move on with her life. “It was a bit like getting divorced again — really sad and painful,” she says. “And it took Dave years to stop making passes at me whenever I’d see him; he just couldn’t believe that I was never going to sleep with him again.”
If you’ve left behind an abusive marriage, there are probably a number of very deep emotional issues that need to be tackled before you should consider starting an intimate, sexual relationship. The main risk of entering into new relationships lies in repeating an established pattern: the relationship may be new, but your role as a victim will be all too familiar.
“Before getting into a new relationship, you should consider therapy,” advises Debra Burrell, a New York psychotherapist who provides “Mars-Venus” counseling and workshops based on the work of Dr. John Gray. “Make sure you’re not the same person who was the victim in the abusive relationship. You need to learn how to spot the warning signs early on, and how to attract a different type of mate.”
Burrell emphasizes that unresolved emotional issues stemming from an abusive marriage can result in the individual finding themselves in the same type of toxic relationships over and over again.
Sexually repressed marriages
When coming from a sexually repressed marriage, there are two common reactions: to choose another partner with low sexual requirements; or to get out there and make up for lost time! If you felt sex-starved by an unresponsive marital partner, then you’re going to have a great deal of pent-up urges that want expression. And finding a sexually responsive partner can open up a whole new realm of joy.
There are risks, however, to becoming sexually active immediately following a break-up. Burrell points out that you’re not likely to be very discriminating at this stage, and that you’ll only become more discerning with time. The difference between sexual experimentation as acting-out behavior — as opposed to the positive enjoyment of one’s freedom — depends on a number of psychological factors. Whether or not it’s okay to “go out and play” for a while depends on you: your background, religious beliefs, and personal history.
“If you’re inclined to have sex immediately after break-up, you need to accept that it’s raw sex,” says Solomon-Ament. “It’s primal. Sex for its own sake is okay as long as it’s consenting and not abusive or destructive to either partner.”
And remember to have safe sex each and every time you sleep with someone. You can’t tell whether someone has a sexually transmitted disease (STD) by looking at them: nice people get AIDS and herpes, too. If you don’t know what safe sex is (and you may not after a long-term, monogamous marriage), ask your doctor about safe-sex practices, or get a book such as Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer or The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex and read all about it before having sex with a new partner.
Most therapists agree that it takes a minimum of one to two years to heal from a divorce. You’re extremely vulnerable after a break-up, so if you’re not sure about whether you really want to have sex, or why you are having sex, it’s best to wait until you know.
Performance anxiety and inhibitions
Sexual performance anxiety in men is not uncommon after divorce. If this is the case, visit a physician to find out whether there’s a physical cause for your impotence. If physical problems have been ruled out, consider seeking help from a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. Non-organic impotence can be caused by anxiety or guilt: it often emerges when the relationship has not had a final ending or closure; or when it has broken down because the man’s wife was cheating on him; or sometimes even if the man was the one who did the cheating.
Interestingly, though not surprisingly, men often try and work their problems out themselves rather than going for help. For health reasons, however, men suffering from impotence should find out whether the cause is organic or non-organic with the help of a medical practitioner. Then, when they’re ready, they can choose to seek help from a doctor or therapist.
Jill Fein suggests that anyone who has been in a long-term partnership may feel some sexual inhibition with a new partner. “It’s normal to have inhibitions after divorce,” she says. “There’s the fear of being naked in front of someone new — to leave the security of being with someone who has seen you change over the years.”
If you’re used to a sexual routine in which the ability to please and be pleased has been mapped out by experience, you’ll be facing a whole new set of questions, such as: “What’s expected of me now?” “Is there anything more about sex I should know?” or “What kind of sexual behavior is considered acceptable?” These concerns should eventually subside through the process of learning and sharing with a new sexual partner.
“There’s a terrible embarrassment about revealing yourself after years and years of marriage,” says Monica Morris, the author of Looking for Love in Later Life (Avery Publishing). “Both men and women feel like this. Men are afraid they won’t measure up, that they won’t be able to deliver — especially older men, although younger men also experience this… Sex is such a problem for men. Either they have an erection, or they don’t — there’s no faking it.”
Sexual inhibitions in a woman can have a great deal to do with negative body image. Becky Wilborn, president of the Diet Center in Manhattan, points out that being — or even feeling — overweight affects every area of a woman’s life: including her vitality, self-expression, and self-esteem. While she is taking part in the sexual act, this woman’s mind is likely to be engaged with thoughts such as: “I hope he doesn’t see this part of my body, or that part…” rather than concentrating on pleasure. Before she can truly enjoy and wholeheartedly participate in sex, she needs to deal with her body-image issues.
Body Image and Sex
Our body image is what is triggered in our minds when we look in the mirror: how we perceive and feel about ourselves. And there are huge gender differences. Although things are changing, says Wilborn, generally speaking, women are more concerned about appearance and body weight than men. Women are trained from childhood to believe that their appearance is extremely important and they must invest considerable time, effort, and expense in maintaining it if they want to be happy and successful.
Poor body image almost inevitably translates into bad sex. If you’re trying to flatten your stomach or worried about how your thighs look, for example, you’re unlikely to derive much pleasure from the sex act. Dr. Thomas Cash, a researcher into the link between body image and sex at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA has found that women who like the way they look reach orgasm more frequently than those who were preoccupied with their “physical defects”: they reported reaching orgasm 73% of the time compared with only 42% for women with a negative body image.
Very often, weight gain in a woman is a substitute “problem” for an underlying emotional issue she doesn’t want to deal with. For example, if she’s been hurt by a painful break-up and she’s terrified about her future prospects, she might gain weight out of a subconscious wish to become “undesirable” and thereby protect herself from having to face the pain and fear of rejection.
Wilborn, who estimates that 75% of her clients are women, points out that some women start to gain weight before a break-up to avoid sex with their husbands, from whom they feel emotionally estranged. “For some, the extra weight is there because of intimacy issues: the weight is a cushion protecting her from having to have sex with her husband. After a divorce, being overweight can be a barrier between a woman and a new relationship.”
Even a stunning woman can have a poor body image; she feels ugly or undesirable, and that translates into a negative energy that she sends out to men. Most women and men, whether they realize it or not, are attracted to a person’s energy far more than their physiology. The key to positive sexual energy is truly accepting and loving yourself — and that includes your body.
Ask yourself: “How do I feel about my body?” If the answer is a list of dislikes and complaints, then you can be pretty sure you have a self-esteem or body-image problem. The first step to renovating your poor self-image is to identify the belief that’s responsible for it, figure out where this belief came from, and deal with the experience that caused it. If you’re having trouble figuring out the original “trigger” for your negative thoughts, try writing a history of your body: how it looked from early childhood to present day. Maybe your dislike of your body began with a teenage case of acne, or with a sudden weight gain when you started taking birth-control pills, or with a critical boyfriend. Pick up a copy of The Body Image Workbook: An 8-Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks by Thomas F. Cash, Ph.D. for help.
Men are not immune from feelings of low self-esteem or poor body image, either. “Men feel very much like this, too,” says Monica Morris. “Especially older men, although younger men also experience this. They’re afraid they won’t measure up, that they won’t be able to deliver. This seems to be a constant problem with men at any age.”
What men want
There’s an old saying that sex is emotional for women and physical for men. Although it’s dangerous to make generalizations about the way all men are, researchers have found that men are aroused mainly through their senses: particularly through sight, although sound and smell play their parts, too. And, as male arousal tends to be generated by physiological rather than psychological stimuli, men are far more likely than women to be ready for sex very soon after divorce.
The impetus to get involved again can be strengthened by a man’s need to fill the emotional gap that has been created by loss of a partner: having sex means that men can be intimate without having to talk about their feelings. It’s also a validation of their egos, which is especially important when the ego is bruised. Hence, many men are interested in having sex as early as the first date. “Sleeping around to build up self-esteem is a common mistake,” says Debra Burrell. “They’re seeking attention to make them feel loved and lovable, but ultimately, it always backfires.”
Frank asked his wife for a divorce after he discovered that she had been cheating on him with one of his best friends for over a year. He felt deeply betrayed and hurt by both of them, and ended up having a string of one-night stands in an effort to reassure himself about his attractiveness to women — and to make himself feel better. “At first, it was great,” he says. “Going to bed with different women made me feel like some kind of stud — and I was also trying to rub my ex’s nose in the fact that I had multiple sex partners. But after a while, I realized that sex with virtual strangers was not ultimately fulfilling: sure, I wanted sex, but I also wanted to fall asleep with my arms around a woman I loved.”
Frank discovered that he missed the emotional intimacy and touching of marriage as much as he missed the sex, and decided to stop sleeping around until he found someone with whom he really “connected.” He also started going for regular therapeutic massages, which he found lowered his stress level and filled some of his need to be touched by another human.
For men, a desire to have sex doesn’t necessarily translate into a desire for a relationship. For women, however, having sex tends to have different, more powerful implications.
What women want
Women are more likely to glean a sense of being loved from non-sexual behaviors — having flowers bought for them, receiving loving letters, or having a man demonstrate his feelings through appreciative gestures — than through the mere act of having sex. They’re also more likely to want to sort out their post-divorce issues before getting involved sexually again.
For women, sex is usually more than physical gratification. It’s an emotional investment — what Jill Fein calls “opening your heart.” Most men are able to walk away after sex and go about their business without a second thought, but women are left wondering where they stand. If her break-up is very fresh, the potential damages of becoming involved sexually far outweigh the potential benefits.
Respecting these differences makes sense, especially for women. Hence, a good rule of thumb should be: “What’s the hurry?”
Learning to trust again
Having sex can be one of the most intimate acts we can share as human beings. By its very nature, the sexual act makes us vulnerable to one another. And divorce has everything to do with the loss of our faith, idealism, and our trust in others and in relationships. Getting involved again is about learning to trust once more and, before we can do that, we must first heal, deal with our emotional issues, and get a positive sense of self.
Whatever you’re doing sexually, it should feel good, have a sense of “rightness,” and enhance your life with fulfillment and well-being. If you need help getting to that place, don’t be afraid to ask for it. Above all, it’s beneficial to have a healthy awareness of the sexual differences between men and women — this awareness will enable you to celebrate them in yourself and in your new partner.
The democratic senate majority leader said it’s time for Nevada to outlaw prostitution so the silver state can attract more investment and businesses.
While addressing a joint session of the Nevada Senate and Assembly, Reid told lawmakers, “We should do everything we can to make sure the world holds Nevada in the same high regard you and I do. If we want to attract business to Nevada that puts people back to work, the time has come for us to outlaw prostitution.”
But Reid’s ideas have caused a firestorm of controversy and head-scratching from officials and citizens alike as to why the senator would propose the outlawing of prostitution — a source of state revenue.
“I frankly don’t understand why the good senator is concerning himself with this issue when there are huge problems to be solved in Washington, D.C.,” said Richard Osborn, the county manager for Nye County.
Osborn reportedly said that the taxes raised by legal brothels help other programs and in 2010 more than $150,000 was paid and that money was used to for veterans’ care and ambulance service in Nye County.
Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada told the Las Vegas Review-Journal that Reid is attacking the civil rights of the women who work in brothels.
“These women have a right to work. He should be proud of us. We have a clean industry,” Hof said.
And Gov. Brian Sandoval, a Republican, said he’s never heard that brothels detract from getting new businesses to come to Nevada noting that prostitution is a local issue.
Lance Gilman, owner of the Mustang Ranch and Wild Horse Resort stated in a news release that it is illegal prostitution that includes underage girls and “repulsive” pimps that tarnishes the image of Nevada not legally operated establishments.
“As we understand it, the legislative agenda is busy addressing a multi-billion dollar shortfall. The legal brothel industry helps support the small rural counties where they are located, and thus this action seems unwise,” Gilman said.
There are 10 rural Nevada counties (under 400,000 residents) that permit legal prostitution where brothels are licensed, taxed and regulated.