May 19, 2013

Taking Care of Yourself Is Essential for a Happy Marriage

9bdbe16b9b21d3cdd78483927018bbe3 Taking Care of Yourself Is Essential for a Happy Marriage

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — For the , I thought self-care was selfish. So it’s no that taking care of me falls way down on my list.

But if there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, taking care of yourself is so important for your and it’s good for your kids to see too. The challenge is being able to make time for it without burdening your partner and doing it without feeling guilty. Here are my tips:

1. Make a self-care night

If you’re scheduling a date night once a week or once a month (like us, if we’re lucky), then I suggest turning one of them into a “you” night, where you get a sitter and go do your own thing. As important as it is for you to do things together, it’s great to do things alone too, whether it’s just sitting quietly by yourself at the bookstore, getting a , or shopping at the mall.

2. Create a barter system

Because my schedule is so challenging, I like the idea of creating a barter system for time. You basically come up with a trade for time: You get two hours on one weekend, he gets two hours on another. Sure, it could be seen as a version of scorekeeping but it’s actually just a way to keep track so one person doesn’t feel put out by another person’s hobby or .

3. Redefine your expectations

Self-care means to different people. And while you might have a weekend away with the in mind, that might not be feasible given your time and . Sometimes it’s just of quiet reading and a cup of coffee that will allow you to re-center yourself. Other times, it’s a pedicure or a . I encourage you to examine how you’re defining self-care and adjust that expectation to what you can actually accomplish.

4. Adapt your schedule

If you don’t have any extra time to spare in your schedule and you don’t have money for a sitter (trust me, I have been there), then I suggest you take a hard look at your schedule to see what you can adapt or change to allow for taking care of yourself. Can you go to bed earlier and wake up earlier to give yourself a hour (or 30 minutes) of quiet before the day starts? Take a peek at how you’re spending your time and adjust your schedule accordingly.

Where the dates are

1f4b730c8f28cfb60909871728356bce Where the dates are

(PhatzNewsRoom / .com) — According to a survey, most people meet their dates at work, school or church. That’s because people tend to work, learn and worship with people of similar social stature, creating more opportunity for . But what if you work at home, aren’t a student or don’t go to regular religious services? Where can you go to find ?

We’ve assembled a list of great places that can make finding your match as easy as A-B-C:

Auto shop
“I’ve had some luck meeting men in the auto shop waiting room,” admits Brett Blalock of Tempe, AZ. “You’re there with time on your hands, so why not make it interesting? Those magazines are so out-of-date, anyway.”
Tip: “Try to scope out the before they come in. drivers: off limits. If his car looks terrible, he’s probably not going to take good care of you either. But if it’s too clean or fancy, he’s probably too ,” says Blalock.
: “Asking about his car doesn’t have much flair, so I bring some really delicious with me,” offers Blalock. “If I see a waiting on his car, I sidle up and ask if he’d like to share. It almost always works.”

or library
“When I’m bored, I go browse my favorite independent bookstores,” says Marcia Pena of Boston. “And I’ve been known to peruse more than just the new titles. I’m a , so finding a man who shares that passion is important. If someone catches my eye, I’m more inclined to approach a person in this setting because I can pretty safely assume we have books and reading in common.”

Tip: “What a person reads can tell you a lot. And if you’re looking for a quick pickup, try ‘browsing’ the erotica section.”
Conversation starter: “It’s easy to start a conversation about a book. Ask what this person’s heard about it or why he or she picked it. If you’ve read a review, offer a comment. And if your love interest’s looking randomly, offer some helpful advice. These are easy icebreakers that get you talking.”

Bonus tip: This approach also works at music, antique and video stores.

Coffeehouse
“There are folks from all walks of life who enjoy coffee, so you are likely to see and possibly meet more people than, say, at a nightclub,” explains Scott Conary, owner of the Open Eye Café in Carrboro, NC. “Folks feel a little more relaxed and open and maybe more likely to talk to people they don’t know or see only once in a while. When is the last time you met someone new at dinner?” asks Conary.
Tip: “Assess the situation and see if that person seems to be interested in meeting someone at all,” suggests Conary. “Sometimes people are there to relax alone or get work done and really don’t want to be bothered.”
Conversation starter: “I have seen any and all connections made over simple things, a particular piece of jewelry or a music sticker, printed shirt or whatever. Largely, these interactions happen without the intent of a comment being an opening line,” observes Conary.

Dog park
“Dog parks, unlike other single-centric locales, really bring people together with the focus on their pet’s needs, and as a result, they have a tendency to show their real selves,” explains Zack Grey, a Hollywood-based dog trainer. “Our attention is shifted from getting people’s numbers to getting Fido out for some rest and relaxation.”
Tip: “Behind every great dog is a great owner, and behind every freaky dog… well, you fill in the blank. So if you want to meet people in a dog park, the good dog and its owner get the attention, and the bad dog and owner get the brush-off,” suggests Grey.
Conversation starter: “Complimenting a dog is like complimenting the owner,” notes Grey. “Start with something like, ‘Your dog’s coat is so beautiful. What do you feed her?’ or ‘Who is your groomer?’ or ‘Your dog is so obedient. Did you train her yourself or do you have a trainer?’”

Grocery store
“Women love helping hopelessly lost guys find their way, especially in the grocery store, where there are so many items to choose from,” says Davis Stillman of Nashville, TN, who met his girlfriend in the produce department. “Plus, you have to go there anyway.”
Tip: “Your chances are better at busy times, like right after work, Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon. But make sure you look for a wedding ring or kids before you pull a Fonzie and ram your cart into hers,” advises Stillman.
Conversation starter: “I was buying apples, but I saw a cutie checking out the star fruit, so I asked her what it was. That got us talking. And it works on any aisle. If you fancy yourself an expert in the cereal or beer aisle, offer up a few of your favorites,” suggests Stillman.

Bonus tip: This approach also works at clothing stores.

Now that you’re armed, get out there and start talking!

Margot Carmichael Lester, a freelance writer based in North Carolina, met two of her former boyfriends at art galleries. But like the exhibits, the relationships were for a limited time only.

The Number One Reason to Thank Your Ex-Boyfriends

0ddd4b3bda03a10055eed780d2eedd29 The Number One Reason to Thank Your Ex Boyfriends

(Phatforums News / The Stir) — Ex-boyfriend. The very term conjures up for most of us. Some of it may be good, but most of it is likely bad; otherwise, why would you have broken up? No matter how bad things got, though, the awesome thing about ex-boyfriends is that they pave the way to future . Whether you have a small or a truckload of the , each one likely helped you realize who you ultimately wanted to spend your life with, and for that, they are invaluable.

I often feel very fortunate that I met my husband when I did (age 10) and that we “re-met” later when we did (age 23), partly because I know for a fact I couldn’t have handled the around getting older and remaining single and partly because I had run out of boyfriends who didn’t work. From about the age of 19, I always had a serious boyfriend by my side.

Most of them were highly unsuitable, too. Still, they taught me everything I know about .

I had a couple “things” in high school and even one guy with whom I stayed (and occasional hook-up ) afterwards. But generally, I wasn’t in serious dating mode until my second year of college. And then it all started with a hot and heavy with Jason*. We met at a and he was older. For one amazing summer, I was totally enamored with him (he was less so with me), but he taught me a lot about the level of attraction I should feel for the man I was with because, let me tell you, it was high. We broke up in the fall, but I carried that sense with me and didn’t want to settle for less.

My first serious boyfriend (and love) was Max*. We had very good (read: VERY good) reasons for breaking up that included some serious controlling and paranoid behavior on his part. But when we were good, we were very good. No one else in my world liked him and, of course, they had good reason. But we were in love. Being with him taught me to trust my instincts on people more than others. Sure, eventually I agreed with my friends and family, but I made my own choices and got there on my own.

For the first year we were together, I learned about love and everything I wanted from love and what I wanted it to feel like. The second year was awful and our breakup was, too. But it’s nice to reflect on the positive side and how that eventually led to my current amazing .

After Max, there was Chris. We only dated a few months, but he was so incredibly smart and politically involved. I never fell in love with him, but seeing someone who had a passion for something other than booze and partying and paranoia made me realize I could love someone who was also like me and like my family. They, of course, loved him. Nevertheless, we fought about “commercial foods,” which he didn’t enjoy. And since I love me some Frosted Flakes, we knew it could never work.

There was a little overlap between Chris and Dave, the next serious dude (I cheated. Lesson learned). And while Dave was undoubtedly the sweetest and most loving man I ever dated, we weren’t exactly intellectually compatible. He was creative and emotionally intelligent, but book smart he was not. Though I loved the way he treated me — buying me flowers all the time, allowing me massive freedom, constantly telling me he loved me — it was hard to be with someone who didn’t share my intellectual background. I grew up surrounded by books with a lawyer father who read The New York Times every single day with breakfast, discussed politics all day long, and is, as my grandfather once said, “a massive egghead.” It would have been hard for me to stay with Dave, and lucky for me, I soon “re-met” my husband.

He also had about the same number of seriously unsuitable exes and we were able to apply the good things to one another. My husband (Rob) has all the sexiness of Jason, all the love and attentiveness of Max, the intelligence, passion, and quick wit of Chris, and the loving, emotional intelligence of Dave. I don’t regret a single relationship, no matter how badly each ended because they led me to this. Ten years together we have an unshakable bond and the reason I knew it was right was because it had been so very wrong before.

**Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Online Dating Is No Longer Just for Weirdos

9a060444a1050efe1c085fff5fa18a79 Online Dating Is No Longer Just for Weirdos

(Phatforums News / The Stir) — Online dating was once something that people did in private. But recently when someone told me she met her boyfriend “in line at the bookstore” and I later met him and discovered A.) he wasn’t a “bookstore” kind of guy and B.) they actually met on .com, I was surprised. Isn’t online dating kind of the now?

After all this time, I would think online dating would have long since surpassed the it once had of weirdos in who pretended to be 6’2″ lawyers when they are actually 5’1″ and have no jobs at all. I have seen enough marriages come of online dating and now even celebrities (like Carrie Ann Inaba) are doing it like it’s the norm.

So why are people still hiding it? And then I realized: Of the many married couples I know, almost none of us met online.

I met my husband in elementary school (though we reconnected online); my met her husband at work. Other friends met their spouses at college and so on and so on. For as normal as online dating appears to be, I guess I don’t know that many .

Or maybe people are lying. Maybe more people are meeting online than are admitting it. So what’s up with the stigma? It’s 2011, people! Almost everyone I know has gone on at least one online date.

Still, even with its incredible ubiquity, most of the people I know ended up meeting their mates in real life somehow. Online you can fake . But real only happens in person. That static that happens when two people have chemistry just can’t be reproduced online.

Online dating is like the modern day equivalent of searching for the frog prince. There are a lot of duds and far fewer princes. But still, they are out there, probably searching for you, too! Online dating can be your best friend if you let it. You may not meet your soul mate, but with our crazy hectic schedules and modern lives full of chaos, it’s awfully nice to have an easy way to make sure you have plans for .