There are precious few things in this world that genuinely bring men from around the world together as well as beer. Beer gives us a shared bond with one another regardless of race, language or whether our football is round or… whatever the hell shape an American football is. Of course just as you choose your friends based on shared interested and a kindred spirit, so will you best identify with a certain type of beer drinker. Brand marketers and drunk people both agree you can ascertain a lot about a person just by their choice of beer, and just so you don’t need to draw your own conclusions we’ve compiled a handy list, because normally you’d need about five beers to get this judgmental.
9 Home Brews
The 9 types of beers (and what they tell you about their drinkers)It’s not hard to spot a home brewer, their taste in beer is typically the most varied and eclectic (weird) of all drinkers; they’ll be the guys not so much talking about their beer as dissecting it. If you’ve ever overheard anyone in a bar wondering what type of hops or yeast are in a beer, you’ve seen a home brewer. For these people their unique brand of alcoholism isn’t just an accepted character quirk or even hobby, it’s a full-blown way-of-life. You can be guaranteed these drinkers spend more time thinking about beer in one week than even the most battle-hardened, career alcoholics do in a year.
8 Premium Imports (Ex: Orval, Gulden Draak, Hobgoblin)
The 9 types of beers (and what they tell you about their drinkers)These guys are closely related to the previous type of drinkers. They care about the style, taste, mouth-feel, history, and other aspects of beer that no one holding a Keystone has ever thought about. Of course one other thing they have to ponder that no other drinker does is whether they subconsciously hate money because no other type of drinker is going to look at a $50 tab and think “Yep, that’s about right for four beers.”
7 Actual Microbrew/Craft Beer (Ex: Stone, Dogfish Head, Deschutes)
craft beer 135×95 The 9 types of beers (and what they tell you about their drinkers)These drinkers are all about the burgeoning American craft beer scene; they care a lot about taste, brew-style and unique qualities. Which is great because hey, it’s important to be passionate about something and it might as well get you drunk. Granted they may spend a little too much time concerned with beer but it’s not like they have a problem. Seriously, they have it under control. Trust us.
6 Ubiquitous Imports (Ex: Stella Artois, Newcastle, Heineken)
The 9 types of beers (and what they tell you about their drinkers)These drinkers tend to care more about beer than your average Bud/Miller/Coors person, but are perhaps more concerned with panache over actual taste. After all, those infamous green Heineken bottles must be exotic because they’re imported from… somewhere. The irony of course is that many of these top brands fall under the Diageo or InBev beverage empires, which means that they’re “imported” in the way that things made in China are imported and exactly as exotic as top ramen.
5 Not-So-Microbrews (Ex: New Belgium, Sam Adams)
The 9 types of beers (and what they tell you about their drinkers)These drinkers are riding the new wave of widely available craft beers that breweries are churning out after realizing that Americans can taste beer. These drinkers are likely formerly or also in the Big American Beers group but enjoy some variation in their beer. They likely moved to this type of brew because it’s easier to tell one beer from another and thus conversations about beer go beyond “I guess Miller is less filling”.
4 Big American Beers (Ex: Bud, Miller, Coors)
The 9 types of beers (and what they tell you about their drinkers)There’s definitely something very friendly and agreeable about this group of good old-fashioned American beer drinkers, even if American companies own none of their favorite brews anymore. These guys are your typical sports-fan all-Americans that sweat, bleed and piss red, white and blue and they expect their favorite beer to taste like nothing less.
3 Cheapest Thing Ever (Ex: Natural Ice, Keystone)
The 9 types of beers (and what they tell you about their drinkers)Typically you don’t encounter these people at bars because if the whole point is saving money, then you’re much better off back at the frat house. These drinkers are purely out to get the most bang for their buck, and by bang, we mean terrible, terrible beer. Granted, it is cheap and while it’s okay to stretch your drinking money, one really has to wonder how bad that extra few bucks is going to hurt in the long run, after all Evian costs a hell of a lot more than Mexican tap water but it’s kind of worth it.
2 Hipster Beers (Ex: PBR, Schlitz)
The 9 types of beers (and what they tell you about their drinkers)Ah, what would our world be like without these noble drinkers? Likely a place where fixed gear bikes were for racing, big, thick-rimmed glasses were a thing of the past, and irony was funny because it was actually ironic. More than any other type of beer, the labels are of greater importance to the drinker than their contents or effects, which should tell you everything you need to know about them.
1 Abominations (Ex: Budweiser Chelada)
The 9 types of beers (and what they tell you about their drinkers)What can you say about people who’s urge to put tomato juice in beer is so strong that they buy it pre-mixed from the gas station? We think it’s safe to say that they have no gag reflex and they accomplish everything they set out to do in a day at 10am when they buy their first “beer”.