June 19, 2013

Calls capture terror of Texas plant explosion

 Calls capture terror of Texas plant explosion

Story Highlights

Investigators are still unsure what caused the blast
The left the city with one functioning
Dispatchers were flooded with calls minutes after the incident

WEST, Texas (AP) — When the first call came in, it was just a fire. Smoke was coming from West Fertilizer Co. and an alarm was sounding, so a woman at a park just across the railroad tracks phoned for help. She was calm and matter of fact. The dispatcher responded in kind: “OK, I’m going to get them to put out the fire.”

It was 7:29 p.m. April 17, and the last routine moment in West, Texas, since.

Within 20 minutes, the park was strewn with huge chunks of from the exploded . The complex behind it was ripped apart by the wave of energy that climbed the railroad bed and slammed into the building, shredding its roof and blowing out windows.

Dispatchers were swamped with hysterical reports. Nearly all 50 calls that flooded in during the next 35 minutes came from within a mile of the plant. Some knew what happened, others knew only that windows had suddenly shattered on them and houses several blocks from the site were on fire.

Firefighters and emergency medical technicians would account for 10 of 14 people killed, and more than 200 people in the town of 2,800 would be counted as injured.

State and continued combing the site Monday looking for the cause of the blast so powerful it registered as small earthquake. They had found the center of the explosion a day earlier, but not the fire’s starting point.

Recordings show fears ran rampant among those who called last .

One woman who glanced outside and saw the that erupted from the blast could be heard shouting: “Get out of the house. Get out,” to those around her. “There’s a freaking cloud. Look at that!” An off-duty firefighter concerned about the air called a to say he was leaving with his family. A man wearing an ankle monitor told a dispatcher as he drove that he was fleeing the chemicals.

Investigators later assured residents the town’s air was not toxic.

Calls from those further away relate terror of the unknown. Dispatchers asked callers to take deep breaths and repeat the unintelligible.

“Something happened out here,” a crying 83-year-old woman tells the operator, her voice quavering. “Our house exploded or something. There was a big explosion and then our house is just destroyed.

“We’re all ok, but my God, what has happened?” she said. “I’m scared to death.”

Residents and dispatchers soon realized the enormity of the situation. One woman who called about a house burning on her street was asked if she lived close to the fertilizer plant. But she said she was several blocks away.

Less than five minutes after the first explosion call, dispatchers also knew West’s own emergency resources were severely hampered.

“Listen to me, my ambulance station just completely exploded,” a West EMS supervisor can be heard saying on one call. “I’ve got a nursing home and an ambulance station and an air evac. I need as many … trucks as you can send this way.”

“The roof completely collapsed on the building. I’m doing a walk through now. I think we got everybody out,” he said. “I don’t have radio communications, I have lost my repeater.”

The blast left the city with one functioning ambulance.

An EMT training class was in the building that evening. The trainees already had passed their practical exam, so they left the class to go help, said Dr. George Smith, West EMS’s medical director.

Four of the 18 in that class died. “Every one of them were friends of mine,” Smith said.

Smith now carries a photo on his phone that shows a huge pile of debris, part of what used to be the West Rest Haven nursing home, where he also is medical director. The home sat between the ambulance building and the fertilizer plant.

“I was under that,” Smith said of the collapsed roof in the photo. His face bears scrapes and scratches from the night.

Smith and others managed to get all of the about 130 residents out. One man later died, not from injuries but his existing medical conditions, Smith said.

A woman whose mother-in-law was a resident told an emergency dispatcher they needed flashlights to help find the injured.

“We’ve got old people, they’re bleeding, they’ve got glass,” she said. “This rest home is completely demolished.”

Injured residents of an assisted living facility next door were moved to the front porch.

“My people are at the assisted living, three workers and my 11 residents and they’re all bleeding,” another caller said. “They’re trying to take care of the bleeding but nobody has any medical attention over there right now.”

One man who called twice from about a .5-mile (8-kilometer) south of the plant said he had dug three women out of a collapsed house.

“Hurry, they’re bleeding bad,” he said.

Help was coming, but from a distance. Dispatchers told callers they were bringing in fire trucks from elsewhere. One dispatcher had the pleasant surprise of being offered medical professionals.

“I have several people that are willing to go help, medical personnel, nurses and such, do you all still need help?” one woman offered. “Can they go help with the triage and such?”

“That would be perfect,” the dispatcher said. “We need as many medical people as we can get.”

10 Things Sure to Make Him Fall in Love With You

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(PhatzNewsRoom / The Stir) — A lot of women find it pretty easy to figure out if the guy they are seeing is The One. Some of us know by the middle of the . He wants kids. Check. He loves his career but says family comes first. Check. He has all of his . Check. But for guys, figuring out if a woman has long-term potential can be a complicated process. Sure, there are that send them running (like the lady who tattooed a guy’s name to her face hours after meeting him), but for the most part, it’s subtle behaviors that help you evolve from Miss Right Now to Mrs. Right. Take a look at the 10 surefire ways to make a guy fall in with you.

Maintain a little bit of . He doesn’t need to know you wear Spanx and he definitely doesn’t need to see you struggle pulling them on. It’s like looking behind the curtain in Oz. Some things they just don’t want or need to know.

Be an independent woman. Just because you are in a relationship now doesn’t mean you have to spend every minute with him. In fact, being a is a real turn-off. Make sure to maintain your own life and do things without him. Allowing him to miss you once in awhile will make getting together that much more exciting.

Make him feel like he’s needed. Nothing feels better than being wanted or needed — and not just in the bedroom. Let him do things for you and feel that he is taking care of you sometimes. This can be as simple as helping you fix something around the or picking you up from the airport.

chemistry. From a gentle, sensual peck to full on make-out session, there should be . He should crave your and vice versa.

Give him an eyeful. A sexy, come-hither look can send shivers down a guy’s . It also lets him know how much he turns you on, which is a great ego boost.

Ask how his day was and really listen to his answer. Let him know it’s not always about you. Give him a chance to vent when he needs it. Don’t interrupt or interject, just let him talk. He’ll love the fact that you really listen to him.

Be confident. Men love a woman who loves herself. That doesn’t mean be vain or self-centered, but rather walk with your head tall and carry yourself as though you know you are a gorgeous, great catch.

Exercise your funny bone. Just as important as sex appeal is a sense of humor. Nothing is cooler than a girl who can crack a joke — and better yet, take one.
Show your friend potential. Does he feel like he can open up to you? A smart guy knows that a keeper is someone he can confide in and trust with his thoughts and feelings.
Don’t overreact to small things. Nothing sends a guy running faster than a drama queen.

Dating Don’ts: 4 Things You Shouldn’t Do With Your Ex

1ddac39828f7603dec4385154e5ad06c Dating Don’ts: 4 Things You Shouldn’t Do With Your Ex

(PhatzNewsRoom / The Frisky) — Soooo, “Girls” is back. Which means lots of watching them make so that we don’t have to. Hooray for vicarious learning! As I watched the season two premiere, I had a bunch of thoughts: How come I never get invited to house parties anymore? Am I old? I should do more karaoke. How are these characters managing to make sooo many mistakes with their exes in the span of ? Oops! I”ve done many of these myself. Geez, they make it look so fun and quirky!

In real life, we are well aware that messy ex situations are not fun and quirky. Oh no. They are comp-li-cated and emotionally fraught. After the jump, let’s review all the mistakes that Hannah and the gang made so that we can avoid making them in the future. Spoilers ahead, obviously.

1. Live together. Let’s start with Hannah and her new roommie — gay ex-boyfriend, Elijah. Cut to them spooning in bed together. “Sorry, I have a . It’s not for you,” Elijah says. Hilarious! But not so much.

Why is this living situation a ? He’s not attracted to women, you may say. They are platonic friends and feel comfortable around each other. Eh, why not? Here’s why not: Hypothetically, let’s say that Elijah were to become confused about his sexuality after a night of drinking and karaoke and found himself with a boner meant for Hannah’s best friend, Marnie. And hypothetically, if that boner found it’s way into Marnie’s , and then got confused again in mid-pump, would that be awkward for Hannah to find out about? Would that be distressing information for Elijah to keep a secret from his roomie/ex? Would that make Marnie too weirded out to ever come over to Hannah’s apartment again? I say YES to all of the above, but we’ll have to keep watching to find out. Even with the gayest, most platonic of exes, the for unseen are endless.

2. Not tell them they’re an ex. Oh Hannah. She wasn’t doing Adam any favors by not telling him that she had already broken up with him IN HER MIND. Before you start fucking that hottie Donald Glover, I mean Sandy (never mind that he’s a Republican), you need to tell your invalid boyfriend that you are not together any more. Otherwise, that’s kind of considered cheating. Changing his bedpan and feeding him soup and scratching his balls underneath his body cast is not going to make it any easier to end the .I get that Hannah blames herself for Adam’s injury, but guilt is not an appropriate reason to stay in a . Luckily, by the end of the episode, Hannah grew a pair and told him. Although, I don’t get the feeling he’s going to take it well. I think we may meet Pyscho Adam in the next couple of episodes. I’m scared!

3. Go to parties where you know they’ll be. You might be telling yourself that you want to show off how good you look, how happy you are, how much you don’t need him/her anymore. If you have to tell yourself anything to justify attending a social event where an ex will be, you’re so fucked. Prepare for emotional blitzkrieg. Unless you are truly over that relationship, it’s best to stay away.

Just think, he might be at that party with his new girlfriend, and you’ll have to see him waiting for her while she pees. Why was Charlie waiting for his new chick while she peed? I can write a whole other Dating Don’ts about that. New rule: DON’T EVER WAIT FOR A GIRL OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM UNLESS HER LIFE IS IN DANGER OR SHE ASKS YOU TO.

I’ve gotten sidetracked. Back on topic. Other things that can go wrong when you attend the same party as your ex: You might make out with him accidentally in the coat room. Shoshanna. Or feel so vulnerable that you have sex with a gay man/your best friend’s ex. Marnie. Am I missing anything? That party was a shit show. Moral of story: going to social engagements where you know your ex will be. BAD.

4. Show up at their place and ask to in their bed. You may be at the lowest point in your life. You may have lost your job. Lost your boyfriend. Lost your best friend. Lost your appetite. You might have just had the worst sex of your life with your best friend’s gay ex-boyfriend. You may be drunk. You may be depressed. You may be desperate. But you must not show up on your ex’s doorstep and ask to in his bed. Why? Because he will have to say yes. Or he will have to say no. And either way, in the morning you’ll wish you had gone home and cried in your pillow and watched reality TV instead, because you’ve just further obsfucated your chances of ever getting back together. If you even wanted that chance. Wait and make that decision when you’re not vulnerable and/or wasted. It also helps if he’s single. I’m talking to you, Marnie. Time for therapy.

NFL: Belcher was out with 2nd woman prior to murder-suicide

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Inside linebacker Belcher #59 of the walks off the field during his against the at on November 25, 2012 in Kansas City, Missouri.
(November 24, 2012 – Source: / )

(PhatzRadio / SI) —- According to a close to the investigation, Belcher was out “partying” the night before he shot Kasandra Perkins. He had been with a woman in the Power and Light District, an area of bars in downtown Kansas City.

Belcher and the woman had become separated at some point and he went to her in a complex in Kansas City, but she wasn’t there, the official said. According to two of the woman’s , Belcher was intoxicated and they let him stay in their apartment so he could get some .

Belcher asked them to wake him by 6:30 a.m. so he could attend a team meeting later that morning, the official said. “I’ll get fined if I don’t make it,” Belcher told them.

The women woke Belcher and he went to the house he and Perkins shared at about 6:30 a.m. or 7 a.m. She had returned home several hours earlier after attending a Trey Songz concert and being out in the Power and Light District, as well.

The couple then argued before Belcher killed Perkins and later killed himself.

NFL: Belcher was out with 2nd woman prior to murder-suicide is a post from: PhatzRadio.com

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 NFL: Belcher was out with 2nd woman prior to murder suicide

Just Because I’m Divorced Doesn’t Mean I’m Ready to Date

m224645821 Just Because Im Divorced Doesnt Mean Im Ready to Date

(Phatforums News / The Stir) — I’ve been fairly open and honest about the I’m going through, which has been no easy feat. I’ve been separated from my husband for more than two years now, which means that all my well-meaning friends are bending over backwards to find me a new man in my life.

Problem is, I don’t want one.

At least, not yet.

Just because I don’t feel like dating yet doesn’t mean that I’ve become a man-hater or am ready to live a life with 40 all named Mr. Sprinkles. Far from it. I’d nothing more than to have a partner. I’m simply not ready for one.

After being with the same person for , I’ve still got a ton of soul-searching and healing to do well before I can focus my attention on anyone else, which means I’d probably attract the wrong kind of guy if I even attempted dating.

Divorce isn’t easy, not by a , which means that I have a lot more recovering and discovering of myself to do before I can actually give myself to someone else.

I know the old saying about getting back on the horse and riding if the thing bucks you off, but it doesn’t feel right for me. I have to overcome the of the I’d had — none of which involved the D Word — and work my way through the grief. Bringing another person into this with me is simply not fair. Not to me, and especially not to him.

It’s safe to say that I wouldn’t make a very good partner right now, and I’m not ashamed to admit that. And when I’m ready to wade back into the dating , I’m sure that I’ll know it. But I’m not prepared to rush things just so I can alleviate the discomfort of learning to live on my own and rediscover who I am.

That, to me, is far more important than having someone I can only half-heartedly devote myself to. I’ve settled for less than I deserve for a very , and I’m not ready to do that again.

So, I thank you, my friends, for being concerned that I might wither away alone in my , but know that when the time is right, I’ll be more than ready to jump back into territory, shiny, fresh, and new.

Until then, it’s time to devote myself to, well, myself. Why? Because I deserve it. And so does my potential (future) partner.

How not to get dumped

f804acb97916f963a7dcd9a48452aae5 How not to get dumped

(Phatforums News / The Frisky) — I believe I’ve made it clear how I feel about advice. Mostly, I find it utterly unhelpful. I think that relationships are so complicated and personal, that advice is not one person fits all. I especially hate gimmicky, quick-fix advice that’s like “The Magic Thing That Will Get You Married In 364 Days!” WORST! The only brand of I can stomach is the kind that’s empowering. And when I stumble upon it, I share it with you.

Last week, I had with a good friend. We both started dating new guys we met online on the exact same day. (Weird, right?) That was a few months ago, and both relationships are still on and popping. During our session, one of the things we talked about was how we both were having persistent, irrational about our relationships suddenly ending. Our of anxiety were a bit different. Mine has been taking the form of a recurring of being dumped out-of-the-blue.

The script in my head goes like this:

He didn’ me back. That must mean he’s going to dump me. He said he wants to tell me about something. Is he going to dump me? He told me he needs to push back our meeting time for tonight. He must be thinking about dumping me.

OK. Now, you know my shameful self-script. I know it’s ridiculous. It’s not based in reality. It has nothing to do with my guy or his behavior. He didn’t text me back because he was sleeping. He wanted to tell me about something that happened at work. He pushed back our meeting time because he wanted to clean his before I came over.

My fears are based on things that have happened to me in the past. Specifically, the several times I got dumped out-of-the-blue, twice by people I was in unabashedly in with. My way of dealing with the past hurt was to be hyper-vigilant in all future relationships. I’m constantly afraid I’m missing a sign or a like I might have in the past.

I’ve diagnosed myself with Post Traumatic Dating Disorder. Not to make light in any way of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it’s severe and often debilitating symptoms, but years of relationship disappointments can create their own emotionally traumatic side-effects. This particular brand of insanity, I blame on my PTDD.

Pursuant to our conversation, my friend sent me a relationship advice column, unearthed from the deep recesses of the internet, entitled Dr. Rob’s Simple Advice To Ladies So You Don’t Get Dumped.

When asked for some advice to help women in their relationships Dr. Rob Dobrenski, Ph.D. says:

“A few years ago a large portion of my clientele was women, aged 21-35 or so. Most of them had what seemed to be potentially great relationships with their boyfriends. However, all the women had a common feature: a need … for constant reassurance of the relationship’s stability … The women would come to me seeking ways to lower their anxiety levels, feel less jealous about ex-girlfriends, develop ways to not freak out that their partner didn’t say ‘I love you’ often enough. I will tell you exactly what I told each of them …There are no magic words, no breathing or muscle relaxation techniques, no amount of drugs (recreational or medicinal) that can take away all of the angst and distress if you insist on making a small number of erroneous and perhaps not entirely conscious assumptions.”

So what are these erroneous assumptions that are preventing women from enjoying our potentially great relationships? According to Dr. Rob the main one is that there is such a thing as a “guarantee” in relationships or life in general.

NAIL ON HEAD. It’s fucking scary to think about losing someone you’ve really started to like. Instead of coming to terms with this, I’ve been putting all my energy into micro-monitoring every single word exchanged between me and the boy instead of dealing with the real issue: the terrifying truth that there are no guarantees in life. I’ve been wasting my time. I need to stop.

But there is hope for me. Dr. Rob goes on to say:

“The good news is that once you’ve eliminated the aforementioned assumptions from your mind set, all the ‘symptoms’ will go away. No more worry … finally some fucking inner peace. Why? Because you’ll know that while it’s painful to lose someone important to you, loss is a part of life and that you can be okay with that fact. You can and will move forward, as hard as it may be.”

Dr. Rob, I don’t know you, but can I hug you?

Hey Ami, YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE FUTURE OF THIS RELATIONSHIP, NOW GET OVER YOUR DAMN SELF AND GET ON WITH IT!

Thanks, Dr. Rob! I’m working on it.

Fucking inner peace sounds nice.

7 Terrible Breakups I’m Thankful For

8b367f700cbe42f756844e8982f9f747 7 Terrible Breakups I’m Thankful For

(Phatforums News / The Frisky) suck. But after a has passed, you may find yourself feeling relieved, reflective and actually — dare we say — thankful that you and your former dude are no longer together. and how they’re done can teach us lots of valuable lessons about who we are and what we want. They can also be maddening, depressing and straight up rude. Still, all in all, practically every breakup has made me thankful, too–either that I’m no longer with that person or that I’ve learned something valuable about them. After the jump, some of the I’m most thankful for.

And tell us yours in the comments!1. To the guy who broke up with me because my was messy: Thank you for exposing your particular brand of OCD crazy to me early on. Thank you, also, for repeatedly asking me out after doing so, so I could repeatedly turn you down by telling you, “No thanks, I’m cleaning.”

2. To the man I dated, and broke up with, but then decided to take out to dinner for his birthday anyway: Thank you for teaching me that yes, you can take your ex to dinner for their birthday, but they are going to order the most expensive thing on the menu if you do.

3. To the guy who broke up with me over IM, while we were both at work: Thank you for reminding me that just because you have grown taller/hairier/fatter than you were as a , you MIGHT ACTUALLY mentally still be a 14-year-old boy.

4. To the guy who dumped me two days after I lost my to him, citing a “lack of spark” between us: Thank you for helping me develop a healthy about guys who say all the right things too soon. If it appears too good to be true, it probably is. Also, thanks for getting scabies after I lost my virginity to you; it seemed like some really awesome karmic retribution from the .

5. To the guy who broke up with me so he could date my , and eventually marry her: Thank you for helping me realize (the very hard way) that you can’t come between two people who are in . Thanks for teaching my 19-year-old self it’s not all about me–and that you weren’t doing what you did to hurt me, but rather to be with each other.

6. To the guy who broke up with me on a mountaintop in Mexico in the middle of a two-month road trip: Thank you for making me realize how difficult traveling with a significant other can be, and how you have to make compromises to keep each other happy when you’re on the road. Had I know that then, I would have been a lot kinder and sweeter to you.

7. To the guy I dumped who later wrote a scathing blog about me that included photos of me and my home address: Thank you for helping me get over myself. I was 16 when this happened and it seemed like the end of the world. I obsessed for weeks, until my mom said, “You know, you should try doing something for someone else instead of worrying about what people think about you.” And then I did. Thank you for helping me realize that sometimes the best way to get over someone is to give back to other people.

Dating Don’ts: The Importance Of Girlproofing

114302be7d5fed832a8d60fc98dacb14 Dating Don’ts: The Importance Of Girlproofing

(Phatforums News / The Frisky) — As parents must safeguard their homes against the presence of a toddler, so must prepare their apartments for the company of a woman. This process is called girlproofing. I must give credit where credit is due here. It was the great of “Mind of Man” who coined the term. He once told me that he refused to let a woman he liked into his apartment until it was properly “girlproofed.” is a wise man. For he understands that if a woman doesn’t feel safe and comfortable at his place, she’s probably never coming back.

One of the first questions women ask each other after an overnight is, “How was his apartment?” And why do we ask this? You probably didn’t give a rat’s ass what was going on at our apartment, right? Do you even remember what it looked like? Well, let me generalize for a moment here and say that most women have more needs, require more amenities, pay attention to little details that guys don’t. That stack of crusty dishes in the sink may mean nothing to you, but to me it means, “I wonder if he has roaches?” You may have no problem with that one, moldy-smelling towel you’ve been using for months, but to me, it is a guarantee that I will never shower at your place. So guys, if you want repeat customers — just one or many — I cannot stress the importance of girlproofing. Here’s how it’s done…

1. Clean up! I may tell you that I don’t care that your apartment is a mess. I’m lying. Now, there are of . Maybe there are some clothes that need to be put away or mail that needs to be sorted or you forgot to make your bed. Fine, I can look the other way. Here’s what I can’t ignore:

An inch-thick layer of dust and crumbs on the floor
A pile of moldy dishes in the sink
A bathroom sink covered in your shaving remains
A shower grown over with grimy
Sheets and towels with , which reek of and old sweat
An avalanche of dirty laundry
Heaps and heaps of pet hair
Bug infestations of any sort
Stinky, rotting garbage piles
Your porno smut (unless I ask to see it)

I could keep going here, but I think you’re catching my drift. May I make a suggestion? You may not have a knack/time for proper housekeeping. That’s OK. I don’t either. This is why I set aside $50 a month to have someone come and clean for me. I don’t do my own laundry either. I pay an extra $5 and drop it off every week. It comes back folded and then I just put it away. You may be poor, but this $60, or whatever it is, that you set aside for someone else to do housekeeping for you will more than make up for itself in the sex you will receive. Are we clear about this?

2. Stock up! Now that your place is clean, on to girl-friendly amenities which you must have. There are certain things I need — or at least want to know are there if I’m spending the night. These things will put me at ease so all I’m thinking about is you. I don’t want to lay awake at night thinking about how much I wanted to brush my , but couldn’t because you don’t have toothpaste. Then I’m worrying about whether or not you brush your . It’s a vicious cycle. Don’t forget the basics:

Unused toothbrush
Toothpaste (not crusty, with enough inside to easily squeeze out)
Mouthwash
Toilet paper (c’mon!)
Hand soap
Shower
A garbage can in your bathroom
A space, clean towel for when I take a shower
A clean towel to wipe my face with
Soap, shampoo and conditioner in the shower
Tissues and Q-tips
Basic face and body lotion (anything fancy I want, I’ll bring myself)
Water
Coffee for the morning (bonus points if you make it for me)
Something for breakfast

You may be like, “But I didn’t know you were coming over and I wasn’t prepared!” Just go out this weekend and stock up and then if you get lucky, you’re good to go. You don’t have to wait for a special girl to girlproof. Why not girlproof preemptively?

3. Bells and whistles! And now for the bonus round. Advanced girlproofing 101. If you want me to stay over lots and lots, you’ll need a few more things:

Condoms
Candles (if that’s your vibe … they smell nice)
A place for me to put a few of my specialized lady products
Some space in the closet or a drawer for some clothes
An iron
A blowdryer
What I like to eat for breakfast (Kashi and Almond Breeze)
My favorite beverages
Chocolate of some sort

Or just ask what she likes to have around. I’m sure that she will be more than happy to tell you.

And on that note, feel free to chime in with instructions about guyproofing. Do I need to buy beer or bourbon or special shaving cream or something?

I’m dating Mr. Separated

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(Phatforums News / Match.com) — “I’m separated,” he said. What I didn’t know at the time was how many of that word there are. There is “newly separated,” “legally separated,” “separated for awhile, but waiting for the to be final,” and “separated, but I forgot to tell my spouse.” So I decided to go out with him, assuming he was of the separated-with-a--pending variety. But I was wrong.

My with a “what kind of separated?” situation started off auspiciously. The guy in question was tall. He was well-dressed. He was Italian. He managed to charm me in a . He wasn’t wearing a wedding ring (I checked).

The only problem? He wasn’t really separated. Oh, maybe he was in his own mind, but this man was still married in the real-life sense of the word (i.e., still sharing the same bedroom with his wife at night). Sadly, it took me a few months of daytime coffee dates and late-night desserts to put the pieces together. I guess I was naïve. But I hadn’t run into a situation like this before.

Piecing together the clues…
Somewhere along the way, however, I started to think: “Why haven’t I seen his apartment yet?” and “How come he doesn’t ever want to go out on a ?” Then there was the fact that I only had his cell phone number and email address (both big clues that I missed due to my naiveté). And he would often stop by unannounced when he had time during his day, but I wasn’t allowed to do the same (he would make excuses, like saying he was too busy to see me). And the only time I was included in his world, it was a large party with a ton of people and he was completely standoffish toward me the whole night (i.e., my very demonstrative and affectionate Italian boyfriend suddenly wouldn’t even take my hand).

The kicker came when I didn’t have a date on ’s and he left me hanging with a promised phone call that never came. Suddenly it hit me: He was kissing his wife at midnight while I was home alone. I was horrified. Thankfully, we hadn’t crossed every line yet, but I felt awful for having even kissed this man in private — as if I had somehow unwittingly broken the “chick code of ethics.” How had this happened?

Confronting the culprit
The next time I heard from my Italian, I flat-out asked about his status. Afterward, the “I’m separated” line became, “Well, we’re going to be separated soon.” Right… and I would bet money she wasn’t a part of that discussion. And how soon was soon, exactly? I think “soon” meant years in his world. He told me to be patient. I told him: I don’t think so! Any chance of building trust with this man had already been ruined. It was crushing because I actually liked the guy, and I had genuinely believed I would never fall into this kind of a scenario.

Needless to say, this not-so-separated experience left me nervous about dating anyone who wasn’t completely and obviously single. I changed my online dating profile to exclude anyone who had “Separated” listed as his status. I guess you could say I became a more discriminating dater overnight.

Would history repeat itself?
Two years later, I found myself standing face-to-face with a man who challenged those assumptions. He was dashing. He was well-dressed. He was German. He managed to charm me at the gym. He wasn’t wearing a wedding ring (I checked). He was separated.

Everything in my body screamed “run away,” but wow… he was cute and very much my type. I had a good feeling about this one. So, against my better judgment, I said “yes” to a date with a separated man again. And this time, everything was different.

Our was on a Saturday night. He picked me up in his car and we went to dinner. We chatted. We laughed. He was smart, and I was definitely smitten. Wow, I thought, I’m scared. So, instead of wondering about his true status, I took a deep breath and asked him about his separation. To my relief, he opened up: he had been amicably separated for two years (though not quite legally, which made me uneasy), but their divorce was imminent.

I was still nervous, but my gut said, “hang in there.” Plus, the signs were encouraging. He didn’t try to hide me from friends. He kissed me in public. I got a glimpse of his apartment on our second date (no sign of a “wife” there), and I was back there again on a later date (after which he made me breakfast). We spent New Year’s Eve together. And, within a month, he wanted us to be exclusive.

Exclusivity with a (technically) still-married man? I hesitated. But that’s when I truly realized the range of meanings that apply to the word “separated” out there. My new boyfriend was separated in the real-life sense of the word (i.e., he was not still sharing the same bedroom with his wife at night… and he was sharing his heart with me). It was a different situation. I don’t know how I would have felt if he’d been just a few months separated… I might have run away. No one wants to be the rebound person while your new amour works out his or her demons (or fields the late-night phone calls from his soon-to-be-ex). But this man had made his clean break already; I could tell.

How to calculate the potential risks and rewards
The trick when getting involved with a separated person is to try and suss out where he or she is in the moving-on process. Ever dated someone who had just broken up with a long-term partner? Take that drama and multiply it by a million if the person’s separated from a spouse. You need to be willing to take on the inevitable issues that go along with a separation and divorce. And you have to be able to rationally talk about the ex, because that person is a real and important part of your date’s past.

later, we’re still an item and things are progressing beautifully. The divorce has been filed and he and I are practically, well, inseparable. But that’s not to say that dating someone who happens to be separated is easy. A pang of jealousy hits whenever I see a piece of mail addressed to his soon-to-be-ex still sporting his last name (think: Mrs. Married-to-My-Boyfriend). I hate that there is another woman running around who is still legally his wife. I know I have his heart, but she has his health insurance.

In times like these, I have to remind myself that his “wife” is his past. I am quite possibly his future. We’ll get through this divorce and have a celebration when it’s official. But in the meantime, I have a wonderful, committed man in my life whom I love. To think I almost passed him up because of his nebulous status! I would have missed out on the most amazing — and what I believe will be an incredible future together.

Kimberly Dawn Neumann is a New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in such publications as Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Women’s Health, Redbook, Prevention and other publications.

3 Grudges I Will Never Let Go Of

d5da6620b0293ec8b78c32e2a91ba3e7 3 Grudges I Will Never Let Go Of

(Phatforums News / The Frisky) — I’ve never been good at . Who knows why this is – of , , a literal pie to the face – but the interesting (read: TOTALLY PREDICTABLE) thing about it is: The Grudge. Not the movie starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as a hot, tormented blonde, of course. No. What I mean is holding a grudge. If you’re bad at confrontation, if you live in constant fear of telling the world at large what you actually think, you wind up with, approximately, 8,000,510 things to still be mad about. If I had my way, I would happily list each and every one of those eight million plus to you, right now, in these interwebular pages. But as certain dreams do not come true, I won’t. What I’ll do instead is tell you of the worst offensives, of the three crazy who dared to commit them, and why I will never forgive them. EVER.

1. My . If you live in New York, which I do, there’s a risk you run in any apartment you will ever rent, and that is the possibility of scoring a slumlord for a . This, I’m sad to tell you, is what happened to me. His offenses are too numerous to count, but just for a taste: He refuses to provide, 1) adequate heat, 2) exterminators to tend to the burgeoning mice problem, and 3) timely repairs to various dysfunctional appliances, including – but not limited to! – my 50-year-old .

For the purposes of this piece, I’d like to go into greater detail on the heat issue. This was four years ago, and I’d recently moved in. It was the dead of winter. Not only that, it was that sort of dead of winter that makes you feel like, “God. Why does anyone live anywhere other than Phoenix, Arizona.” Low teens, temperature wise. Anyway, there was no gas the day I moved in, a problem I informed my landlord about immediately. Since, well, I don’t know about you, but I can’t afford to be eating out a day. I need a stove that works.

So I called and called and he didn’t call back. It took two weeks to get him on the phone, and when I finally did, our conversation went like this:

Me: Jack, I’ve been living without gas for two weeks.

Jack: Calm down. What’s the problem? You gotta cook a lasagna?

It should be noted that he was being only mildly sarcastic. It should also be noted that he will never be forgiven.

2. My ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. I do not mean myself. What I mean is that a couple years back I dated a guy who, during the time he and I were together, remained quite close with his ex, a gal named Melanie, the one who’d come before me.

Now, if we’re dividing the world into PEOPLE WHO STAY GOOD FRIENDS WITH EXES vs. PEOPLE WHO THINK IT’S HARDER BUT HEALTHIER TO MAKE A CLEAN BREAK, I’m a member of the latter camp. I think staying in touch, the occasional catch-up on one another’s lives is fine, but much more than that get can dicey. That said, my then-boyfriend was close with his ex, so I decided, “What the hey? Let’s try to keep an open mind.” So I kept an open mind.

I kept an open mind when my boyfriend said, “I showed your picture to Melanie, and she told me, ‘Congratulations on finally dating someone who doesn’t look like me.’”

I kept an open mind when Melanie, having been invited to my surprise birthday party by the aforementioned boyfriend, said about my outfit, “Oh! Wow! I’m so surprised you wore that.”

I kept an open mind when a group of us were out to dinner and got into a conversation on what books we were reading. At the time, I’d been struggling through The Ambassadors, one of the later and, it is widely acknowledged, more challenging works of Henry James. I said – “I decided to give it a go, but man, it is dense,” and Melanie responded, “Really? That’s so weird! I always find James really easy.”

I couldn’t look at it her after that. And, it will come as no surprise, it wasn’t much longer before I couldn’t look at the aforementioned boyfriend either.

3. The Five Foot Seven Burning Man. “Five Foot Seven Burning Man” is a nickname I bestowed upon a gentleman I briefly dated back in 2006. His real name was Ethan, and on Ethan’s Myspace page (remember, it was 2006) he listed his height as 5”7?, but then when I met Ethan in person, he was most definitely not 5”7?. I mean, I’m 5”5?, and I was on no uncertain terms the tall one. But, whatever, right? I’ve got an open mind, he was short, but great body, I’ll work with it, BLAH. FINE. But then he yelled at the waiter about not wanting ice in his water, and then launched into this thing about how he’d just been to Burning Man, and how amazing it was. And so he became “Five Foot Seven Burning Man.”

Really, I would’ve been happy to use his real name, or at least a less mocking nickname, if he hadn’t turned out to be a real a-hole. He never cracked a smile, he was rude to waiters, like, a lot. And worst of all: The sex. We did it once (I hadn’t been laid in awhile; I was in no position to be picky) and not only did he spend the entire episode watching himself in a nearby mirror, he did the ol’ wham, bam, thank you ma’am routine, just rolled on over, as though it was time for bed.

“Um… I’m not… finished,” I said, at which point he patted – patted – my thigh, and said, “That’s okay,” and went to .

Sara Barron is the author of People Are Unappealing and the forthcoming book Eating While Peeing (And Other Adventures) For more info, visit her website.