May 21, 2013

More Young People Delay Sex, Try Oral Sex First, CDC Says

dab916c5293fd5e6e9a9c4d36c726e02 More Young People Delay Sex, Try Oral Sex First, CDC Says

U.S. report also finds same- encounters more common for than men

THURSDAY, March 3 (HealthDay News) — More young people are waiting to have sex, and more women than men are engaging in same-sex encounters, according to a new report detailing Americans’ evolving sexual behaviors and preferences.

In statistics compiled from with 13,500 men and women aged 15 to 44, the 2006-2008 National Survey of Family Growth also indicates that more than half of young people under age 24 who have had did so before having vaginal intercourse.

Other revelations from the survey, released March 3 by the National Center for Statistics of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, include three times as many women over 18 reporting being bisexual as men.

The CDC estimates that 19 million sexually transmitted infections occur each year, along with 50,000 new diagnoses of HIV infection. One function of the report is to provide public health researchers with information to develop prevention strategies targeting high-risk groups, lead author Anjani Chandra said.

“Traditionally, people tend to focus on vaginal intercourse, but they sort of forget about other types of sexual behavior,” said Chandra, a health scientist at the National Center for Health Statistics, which last released a similar report using data from 2002.

Some of the findings include:

* More young people reported never having any sexual contact with another person. In 2002, about 22 percent of youths aged 15 to 24 said they fit this description, while 27 percent of males and 29 percent of females did so in 2006-2008.
* White youths aged 15 to 24 were more likely (57 percent) than blacks or Hispanics of the same age (39 percent) to report engaging in oral sex before ever having intercourse.
* Twice as many women (12.5 percent) reported any same-sex contact as men (5.2 percent), a number that held steady since 2002.
* About 3.5 percent of women reported they were bisexual, compared to 1.1 percent of men. About 1.1 percent of women and 1.7 percent of men said they were homosexual.
* About 35 percent of females and 44 percent of males reported ever having anal sex with an opposite-sex partner.

Bill Albert, chief program officer for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned , said he is encouraged by the disclosure that more young people have had no sexual contact.

“The adult view is, when it comes to teens and sex . . . that things are bad and getting worse,” Albert said. “I don’t want to be Pollyanna-ish and say that there’s nothing but good news here, but by and large the news is good.”

But Albert said he believes that the statistics indicating most youths are engaging in oral sex before intercourse may be nebulous.

“What is ‘before’ — an hour, or two days? My strong suspicion here is that sexual activity tends to co-occur . . . they’re probably going to have vaginal sex shortly thereafter,” he said. “For some young people, they’re running the bases backwards. They used to go from more casual to more intimate, but that’s not necessarily the case these days.”

Sexuality expert Dr. Jennifer Berman said it’s not surprising that young people engage in oral sex first because it’s now considered a way to gain status and prestige among their peers.

Also, “It often has to do with sexual or the lack thereof,” said Berman, director of the Berman Women’s Wellness Center in , Calif. “Young people don’t perceive oral sex as sex and think they’re still virgins if there’s no penetration.”

Chandra and Berman had very different takes on why twice as many women reported same-sex contact as men.

“Whether [the gender discrepancy] is real or they simply have a higher comfort level reporting that, I can’t say,” Chandra said. “Their comfort . . . may bolster their honesty and disclosure level.”

Berman said she feels the disclosure is genuine, but fueled by societal forces.

“In the [sexuality] field and in L.A., we think that same-sex experiences with women are a lot of times related to drugs and alcohol,” she said, “or designed and choreographed for men’s pleasure.”

Berman was critical of the scope and structure of the national report, saying it “left out very productive, active generations” by excluding participants 45 and older and omitting details about sexual habits such as the use of contraceptives, lubricants or .

“It’s an interesting sample,” she said. But, “it certainly doesn’t enable people in the field to form valid conclusions . . . or form systems or supports.”

More information

For more on sexual attraction and orientation, visit the Nemours Foundation.

SOURCES: Anjani Chandra, Ph.D., health scientist, U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics; Bill Albert, chief program officer, National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy; Jennifer Berman, M.D., director, Berman Women’s Wellness Center, Beverly Hills, Calif.; March 3, 2011, National Center for Health Statistics, report, Sexual Behavior, Sexual Attraction, and Sexual Identity in the : Data from the 2006-2008 National Survey of Family Growth

Looking for that Right Date???

86eeaaedd95de69295ca8c96025a1bbc Looking for that Right Date???

Are you ready to start seriously looking for a long-term , but don’t know where to start? Have you exhausted all possible leads from your friends and family? Do you ever feel like you’re never going to meet someone that you can like, love, and trust?

Nobody has ever said that meeting someone is easy — especially after a divorce. It’s hard to start dating after years without practice, and facing the dating scene today is especially challenging. But take heart: people just like you start relationships every day.

What are the best ways to find and meet potential partners? What are the expectations between couples these days? How do you venture out as a single — safely and successfully? What’s the first step?

Are you ready?

If you aren’t emotionally ready to start a new relationship, you won’t end up with the right person. Barbara De Angelis, relationship expert and the author of Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who’s Right and Avoiding Who’s Wrong (Delacorte Press) recommends asking yourself these questions to determine whether you’re ready to have an intimate relationship.

1. Are you still angry and resentful towards your ex?
2. Do you dislike who you are? Do you feel lonely and desperate without a relationship?
3. Are you still in love with your ex?
4. Do you feel like you have nothing valuable to offer someone?

If you answered “yes” to even one of these questions, you probably aren’t ready for a new relationship. Perhaps you need more time to recover sufficiently from your relationship breakdown before you try again. If you suspect that you aren’t ready for love, work on improving your relationship with yourself first. When you can honestly answer “no” to each of these questions, you’ll be ready. Meeting strategy # 1: develop a hobby

The first thing to learn is there is no one right or wrong strategy for finding someone. If you think long and hard about it, you’ll realize that you actually have limitless opportunities to meet people. Try something you’ve never done before — or something you used to enjoy before your marriage. For instance, perhaps you loved hiking or biking, but stopped going because your ex didn’t enjoy those activities. Or maybe you loved to dance, but your ex had two left feet. Taking some dance lessons is a great way to meet new people with a similar interest, and boost your self-confidence. You’ll probably make some great new friends along the way as you become more involved with a variety of activities. After all, a person with interests is automatically interesting to others who share the same hobbies. Go places where the sort of people you’d like to meet might be — whether that’s a dance club, a wine tasting club or a scuba diving club. But remember that meeting someone is not a life-or-death mission: it should be fun. Lighten up, go out to a place or event you’ll enjoy, and take a friend with you the first time, if you feel nervous. Do whatever it takes to make yourself comfortable, and start today!

Introduction services

Introduction services are gaining in popularity as people find they need help to find Mr. or Ms. Right in these hectic times. There is a range of dating services available today: some do the matchmaking for you; others let you select from videos or from short bios. What they all have in common is a client-base of individuals who are looking for a relationship.

Matchmaking services will typically ask new members to fill in a detailed questionnaire about themselves, their likes and dislikes, and what kind of person they’re looking for as their ideal mate. Most will perform an in-depth personal interview with each member. You’ll work with a company consultant who will attempt to find close matches for your personality profile — which includes your attitude, emotional maturity, and social skills — and provide you with detailed information and phone numbers of appropriate matches. Both parties are usually notified of a potential match, so that either can initiate the first phone call. After the call and possibly first date, each member calls his or her consultant to provide feedback. Hopefully an on-going relationship will eventually develop between two members and no further referrals will be supplied unless the relationship breaks down, at which point the process starts over again.

A matchmaker may also help you identify your strengths and weaknesses, and tell you how you might be perceived by others. Since no two dating services are alike, call several to request information about their procedures, policies, and prices. Don’t hesitate to ask questions, and don’t be pressured into making a decision on the spot. Matchmaking services can be expensive, but they will save you the time and effort of attending socials or sorting through and responding to personal ads. Before signing with a matchmaker:

* Talk to at least three agencies to compare costs and services.
* Check the agencies with the Better Business Bureau or your state licensing board.
* Ask for testimonials or referrals to satisfied clients.
* Ask how long the agency has been in business.
* Ask how many people in your age range they have on their register of each sex.
* Know exactly what the services are, and what they will cost.
* Ask about methods of payment. Do they require all the money in advance of services, or can you pay in installments?

The personal approach

Personal ads are not for everyone, but many people have found love through this method. “Placing a personal ad is not only a cost-effective way to meet someone but it exposes you to a lot of people quickly,” says Emily Thornton Cavlo, co-author of 25 Words Or Less a new book on how to write an effective, personal ad. “Psychologically, placing an ad puts you into the dating mode, and it helps to know that there are lots of other people just like you who want to meet someone but don’t want to go through the club or bar scene.”

If you get bogged down in the process of writing an ad, start by letting your subconscious do all the work: just jot down all the things that come to mind when you think of a potential mate, and what you consider your best points to be. Once you’ve laid the groundwork, refining your ad is relatively easy.

Cavlo and her co-author, Laurence Minisky, recommend keeping three things in mind when writing and responding to a personals ad:

1. What kind of person are you looking for? We all have a list of traits we want in a partner. These traits can be anything from “kind and sensitive” to a “non-smoker who likes children under the age of four.”
2. What kind of person are you? Make a list of words that describe you, then select the words that really paint a picture about who you are — the ones that make a reader see, hear, smell, and taste who you are. By doing this, “generous” becomes “volunteer reader for the blind,” and “loves to cook,” becomes “you’ll love my sun-dried tomato lasagna.”
3. What level of commitment are you looking for? If you clarify the level of commitment and intimacy you’re looking for, you’ll target the people who are looking for the same type of relationship. Being straightforward about what you want ensures you don’t get involved with someone with a different agenda than yours. And don’t respond to ads with an incompatible level of commitment, no matter how interesting the person sounds.

Once you’ve written your masterpiece, you must decide where to place it. “Opportunities as to where you should place your ad are growing daily,” says Minisky. “A way to choose where to best place your ad is to look at the publication’s target readership. If it’s important to you to date someone who lives close by, place an ad in the local newspaper, or on your supermarket bulletin board. If you’d like to date a single father, seek out a single-parent’s newsletter or website, and so on. If you place your ad in the wrong place, you’ll have a hard time finding the right person for you.”

The cost of placing a personal ad can range from free to hundreds of dollars. If your budget allows, place your ad in a publication you read or website you visit yourself.

Responding to an ad is a kind of advertisement in its own right. Use the same three criteria (above) to introduce yourself to the person who placed the ad. Refer to something about the ad you particularly liked, so the recipient knows that you’re responding to him or her specifically — that you’re not just sending form letters to everyone.

Telephone personals

This form of meeting someone is fairly new but growing at a fast rate. Telephone personals services such as Chit Chat, New York’s #1 Talkline, and Telepersonals allow you to record an ad, which other members can then listen to over the phone. If you pique someone’s interest, he or she will leave a message for you. Of course, you can listen to other members’ messages and respond to as many as you like. When you call in, an automated voice prompts you through a series of choices to route you to a specific part of overall system.

Many services are completely free for , since there are usually more men than using the service.

It’s also usually free for men to record their ad and listen to ads, but men usually have to pay to respond to ads and to pick up their messages. With many services, you would first select an age group, then what kind of relationship you are looking for (from friendship to marriage), and then the basic personality of the person you are hoping to meet.

Once you’ve hit it off and exchanged several messages with someone, take the time to have two or three long phone conversation before deciding to meet. This gives you the opportunity to explore whether your interests, attitudes, values, and relationship goals are compatible, and to judge the character of your prospective date. Taking the time to talk to each other not only helps you build a rapport, it also helps you better determine if the person is right for you.

“I decided to use a telephone personals company because it was fast, easy, and inexpensive,” says Shawn, a former member of a telephone personals service. “As a part-time single dad with a demanding career as a computer programmer, I didn’t have a lot of time to spend looking for the perfect mate. I joined from home, and listened to ads after the kids went to sleep. I never met anyone on the system that I didn’t like, and I dated two or three nice women before meeting Debbie. We talked for a couple of hours before we met (which is amazing because I hate phone conversations), so I knew we were intellectually compatible. As soon as she walked into the restaurant, I knew that she was the one. We got married last spring — three years from the day we met.”

Computer compatibility

The connects over 25-million people from over 60 countries every day. More and more people are joining this cybersociety at a fantastic rate. It’s accessible 24 hours a day — come rain or shine, sleet or snow — from the comfort of your own home. All you need to launch yourself into cyberspace is a computer, a modem, some communications software, an provider (such as AOL) and a phone line or cable access to your provider.

Online matchmaking services, such as Match.com and Lavalife, provide a user-friendly way to meet people.

A leader in online personals, Match.com offers a fun and safe way to meet other singles. With more than 1.2-million members, this service offers a large member pool of quality singles, the majority of whom range in age from 25 to 45. Their “Super Search” allows you to quickly find profiles which fit your criteria, and will also send you new profiles that match your wants as they are posted. Match.com offers all users a free seven-day trial with unlimited access to browse through its member profile database.

Lavalife has been around for over 15 years. With more than 50,000 messages being posted everyday, Webpersonals offers three distinct destinations: one for men and women to connect; one for gay men (“manline”); and one for gay women (“womanline”). Once you’ve picked a destination, you can choose which community you’d like to join: “Dating,” Romance,” or “Intimate.” You can sign up in any or in all communities, then search each one for someone interesting. Their search engine allows you to be very specific about what kind of person you’re looking for; once you have your results, you can read any of the selected bios you wish.

Much like real-world dating, some people treat online dating as a fun way to pass time — a novelty. Others treat it as a genuine and meaningful way of socializing, hopefully leading towards a long-term relationship.

“Meeting online means you really have to work on your communication skills,” says Nina, a Toronto cosmetician who met Brian from Colarado. “It cuts through the superficial small talk, so you can immediately get to know someone. There’s no time to talk about the weather.” For the last two years, the two have gotten to know each other via the internet, and spent to two weeks vacationing together last summer. Now, the couple is making plans for Brian to move to Toronto to be with Nina. The discussions in cyberspace often cut through the small talk and superficiality of ordinary life. People can be intimate without being self-conscious, which can lead to deeper conversations (or cybersex, if you’re so inclined). It’s not without dirty spots, but cyberspace can be like the real world: it’s an exciting terrain to explore.

Wining and dining

Singles dances and parties are held on a weekly or monthly basis in every major city in North America. When you go to a function sponsored by a singles organization, the key is to make conversation with a number of different people and really listen to what they’re saying (both verbally and with body language).

Remember, it’s not enough to simply place yourself in a meeting environment: you need to maintain a positive attitude and give off inviting vibes (“inviting” does not mean promiscuous! Be appropriate). If you’re unfriendly, no one will take the time to get to know you. If you go with friends, don’t cling to them; approaching a pack of men or women can be too intimidating for someone who’d otherwise love to talk you.

Since we all have to eat, dinner groups can be an excellent way to meet someone and enjoy a great meal at the same time. The Single Gourmet offers events across North America — including New York, Chicago, and . It has more than 1,000 members in each of these cities. The Single Gourmet attracts single professionals who have a love of fine food, conversation, and socializing with other interesting singles. This atmosphere offers singles the opportunity to meet while dining together at a wide variety of the cities’ restaurants on a weekly schedule.

One terrific way to meet a lot of eligible people at once is host a dinner party with seven or eight other friends, each of whom is asked to bring one or more attractive eligible people of the opposite sex with whom they are not personally involved. Roger, a business executive with little spare time for socializing, began to hold monthly parties where he invited male friends to bring the most fascinating women they knew as long as they were not romantically linked. When it became clear that many of the invitees were showing up alone, Roger enlisted the help of women who had been to past parties to invite their single female friends. Hosting single soirees, theme parties, and other events is a great way to expand your network quickly.

Cultural encounters

Theater enthusiasts, lovers, dance devotees, museum goers, and art aficionados will be happy to know that there are many people who share your interests — and many organizations and events that can bring you together.

When it comes to theater, you could attend a benefit for a theater company, see a play with other singles, or even take an acting class or audition for the community theater.

Most cities boast at least one museum. In addition to exhibits, your local museum might offer special events, such as silent movie programs, modern film classics programs, concerts, lecture series on arts, and hands-on art classes.

Another way to meet someone with the same appreciation for the arts is take a class. Consider signing up for group lessons in painting, ceramics and pottery, or dancing (take some private lessons first to brush up or gain confidence). You’ll not only meet great new people who share your interests, but you’ll have the fun of participating in a new hobby.

Parties for a Purpose

Involvement with non-profit organizations offers gratification in more ways than one. By investing your time, energy, and/or money as a volunteer, or by participating in fundraising events, you may experience a fruitful social life and feel good about making a contribution to a worthwhile cause. The more involved you become, the better you’ll get to know others who share your sensibility and desire to “do good.”

Many organizations offer volunteer opportunities, but may require a serious time commitment; take this into consideration when selecting which organization to support. Charities and special-interest groups and organizations are also a great way to connect with like-minded men and women. Many of the non-profit helping organizations — such as The American Red Cross, The American Society, The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, or The Multiple Sclerosis Society — wouldn’t be able to provide services to those in need without their dedicated volunteers. The rewards for helping others really can’t be measured. You’ll experience a genuine feeling of self-worth and of real usefulness — valuable indeed if you’re going through a difficult separation or divorce.

Better yourself

Life after divorce can be emotionally as well as physically exhausting. Depending on your unique situation and needs, a retreat, some exercise, or education could work wonders for your , your peace of mind, and your social life. If you feel good about yourself, it shows — and that makes you much more attractive to others.

What’s the best kind of exercise? The one you enjoy doing, because you’ll actually do it. If you’d like the opportunity to meet people while getting or staying fit, choose a group activity such as co-ed volleyball, skiing, hiking, or a biking club. If you’re feeling self-conscious about your athletic ability, choose a more relaxed “fun” team or club. Don’t choose a sport you hate just because you think you’ll meet more potential dates; if you’re having a lousy time, you’re going to be lousy company.

Another way to improve yourself, and increase your opportunities to meet people, is to take some classes. You can study almost any subject in the world, from academic subjects (such as history, philosophy, literature, and psychology) to yoga to desktop . You can learn how to play the stock market or how to play chess, fix your car or bake bread. The Learning Annex and the Seminar Centers in your area offer great classes on a variety of subjects. There are even classes on how to find your soulmate! Your classmates will be people like you: they’ll be interested in knowing more about an intriguing topic, and might just be hoping to meet new people and develop new friends.

Travel

Travel offers wonderful opportunities for singles. Adults-only resorts such as the Allegro Jack Tar in Mexico and Hedonism II in Jamaica provide a relaxed atmosphere and activities designed to encourage guests to mingle and meet. You could also join a singles tour geared to your tastes and interests — whether that’s visiting European art galleries or going on Safari in Africa. If you’re traveling alone, you can request a roommate (lowering your expenses and giving you a companion), and you’re sure to befriend others in the group.

“Group tours can really expand your horizons,” says Martha Chapman of Signature Vacations. “You’ll have the opportunity to visit a destination you’ve always wanted to see, take advantage of the package prices, and you have access to lots of company if you want it. You’re alone, but not lonely.” Chapman also recommends taking advantage of the benefits that an all-inclusive package can offer. “All- inclusive resorts can offer you lots of security, activities, and an ambiance that allows you to meet a lot of new people. Everything is included and offered right there at the resorts, giving you the opportunity to try something new — such as scuba diving, windsurfing, sightseeing, or going on an archeological dig. You’ll be taking those lessons and day trips with many other guests of the resort, many of whom will probably become good friends and companions for the rest of your stay.”

Some all-inclusive resorts are very singles-oriented or offer adult-only stays. Call your travel agent, who should be able to help you find the perfect destination, package, or tour for you.

Get out and socialize

“I took a survey among my friends who are married or in a serious relationship,” says Diane, a single professional who works for an insurance association. “There are many ways to meet your soul mate, but none of them involve sitting at home doing nothing.”

Still have no idea where to find single people? No problem. These suggestions are sure to put you where you want to be — with other great singles! If you’re shy, try the approaches that scare you the least to start with.

* Bookstores. Select an interesting book, then approach someone and ask them if they’ve ever read it or know the author’s work.
* Single Parent Support Groups. If you’re a single parent, this is a great way to share your concerns, get helpful ideas, and meet other like-minded single parents.
* Coffee Houses. A casual and popular spot for singles these days. Sit down with a copy of Divorce Magazine (it’s a great conversation piece!) and enjoy the exotic blends. Some coffee houses offer poetry readings and live music as well.
* Parks. A great place to walk or picnic. Check with your local department of parks and recreation and get on their mailing list. They sponsor some great activities, like dancing in the park, arts, and craft shows. And walking a cute, friendly dog is a great way to meet people — they’ll come to you!
* Video stores. Are you into comedy? Or maybe you need a little drama in your life. Find someone interesting in the oldies section. Reminisce with him or her about how they just don’t make movies like that anymore, then discuss your favorite classics.
* Commuting. Taking the train or bus from work doesn’t have to be boring. Sit next to someone you find interesting, start up a conversation, and make the trip home an enjoyable one.

As you begin looking into one or more of these possibilities, you’ll discover more opportunities than you could have imagined to meet other single people in your area. Take a good look at the bulletin boards on the internet and listing section of your local newspapers and magazines for singles events that might interest you.

The opportunities for you to reach out and become involved in absorbing and enjoyable activities — to keep on learning and growing, to do some good, to make new friends, and perhaps even find new love — are all around you. All you have to do is seize them.

Dating safety rules

Caution is the keyword here. It doesn’t matter how or where you’ve met someone — whether it was through the personals, online, at a bar, or even though friends — don’t rush into too much intimacy too fast. Don’t be too quick to give your phone number, address, deeply personal information — or your body — to a virtual stranger. Some of life’s dangers are beyond your control, but you can protect yourself against others.

“Get to know someone on the phone before planning to meet up with them,” says Cavlo. “Take your time and get to know their sense of humor, their interests, and hear about their lives, so you have a better idea of who you are meeting — or if you really want to meet them.”

Use common sense when you plan to meet face-to-face with someone new. Here are a few tips to help keep you safe:

* Never invite strangers to your home until they are no longer strangers. This means you don’t give your address to anyone until you feel reasonably sure he/she won’t hurt you when you are alone with him/her, or try to break into your home to carry off your precious possessions when you’re away.
* Meet in a public spot, preferably during the day. Coffee is quick, and if things are going well, you can always extend it into a meal. But if you arrange to meet for dinner and a movie, your evening may seem like an eternity if things are going badly.
* Use your own transportation. After you’ve met the person, if you have any doubts at all about him or her, don’t allow yourself to be driven to dinner or to the theater. Take your own car. If you have strong doubts, don’t go.
* If you don’t have a car, make sure you have some cash and a credit card so you can get home.
* Carry change for a telephone or bring a cellular phone.
* Leave a trail. If you’re going out with someone for the first time, let a friend or family member know where you’re going, when you’ll be back, and who you’re with. Tell them you’re going out with someone you don’t know very well and give them your date’s name, phone number, and any information that you may have about the person.
* Be on the lookout for inconsistency. “Does the information you’re received during your date agree with the facts you got over the phone, through e-mail, etc.?” says Minsky. “If the person is still very secretive about where they work or live even after several conversations, this can be a sign that there may be a hidden agenda that isn’t in your best interests.”
* Keep your financial situation to yourself. Be wary of too many questions about your assets. Don’t be persuaded to invest in anything without full investigation.
* At the end of a date, make sure you aren’t being followed home. If you are being followed, drive to a police station or a friend’s apartment where you can call the police.
* If you don’t like the person, don’t give him or her your home phone number. Give a phony number, if it will let you make your exit without creating a scene.
* Trust your gut. If you have a feeling that there’s something wrong, then there’s something wrong. And you should go with that feeling. All in all, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Also remember not to take your date’s reticence on certain matters personally. They may just be protecting themselves in case you turn out to be a psycho. For the first few weeks, if he doesn’t want you to see his car, or she doesn’t want to tell you where she lives, that’s smart. If it’s been six months, however, you should smell a rat.

What happens next?

You never know what can come from a date: it may be nothing, it may be a friendship, it may be a romance. Don’t set impossible standards for yourself or your date. You may certainly have a wish list, but you’re now mature enough to know that no one person can be expected to meet all your needs. Allow yourself and others to be human. That doesn’t mean accepting someone as partner if he or she doesn’t enrich and enhance your life in important ways, but it does mean getting rid of fantasies of the perfect mate.

Just be open to everyone you meet. Maybe you’ve found your next employer. A sister or brother-in-law. Or a new friend. Learn from your dates; even if they go badly, it can help you identify the qualities you don’t want in a mate. Have respect for yourself: you deserve to be treated well. Have respect for others: don’t be rude unless you have to. Above all, relax and enjoy yourself. Dating may seem very different this time around, but it’s still good fun and can be very rewarding.

How will you know?

You’ve meet someone you really like, but you’re wondering whether he or she is really right for you.

Take the time to see if you are compatible: physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, sexually, professionally, and in your hobbies (add or subtract items from this list based on your own wants and needs).

In Are you the One for Me? Barbara De Angelis offers a “Sixty Second Compatibility Test” you can use to see how well matched you are with someone. She suggests you ask yourself the following four questions about your prospective or present partners:

* Would I want to have a child with this person?
* Would I want to have a child just like this person?
* Do I want to become more like this person?
* Would I be willing to spend my life with this person if he or she never changed from the way they are now?

If you answered “yes” to all four questions, you’re probably compatible with one another. If you answered “no,” ask yourself why.

Once you think you’ve found the partner of your dreams, what can you do to create a marriage in which you have the kind of intimacy you want but still retain your sense of self as an separate individual?

According to Victoria Jaycox, author of Single Again, “One step is to make sure that you and your partner have the same kind of marriage in mind. Talk through what each of you expects from a partner and try to work out any differences before you marry. Discuss how you will handle differences, your own separate responsibilities, and how you will be there to support each other. What you want to achieve is an understanding about the nature of your marriage.”

The second step is to decide whether you’re willing to make those efforts and compromises required by this relationship. Those are the costs. For the benefits to outweigh them, your new partner must be someone who meets your needs for caring, intimacy and autonomy,” says relationship expert Barbara De Angelis. “Although finding that person is rare, it does happen. And if it has happened to you, you better than anyone will be able to recognize and grab hold of the miracle it represents.”

Sex and Divorce

40dbdf5a50de2dfac6768c87b0fc8d73 Sex and Divorce

Coping with divorce and the prospect of new sexual can be emotionally challenging, to say the least. Here’s a look at some of the pitfalls and opportunities you’ll encounter as you rebuild your sex life.

When it comes to divorce and new relationships, there’s a memorable line from the 1989 Rob Reiner film, When Harry Met Sally. Soon-to-be-married Marie and Jess have each just gotten off the phone from consoling their single friends, Harry and Sally, who are suffering the tremors of emotional uncertainty brought on by the aftermath of their first sexual encounter together. Afterward, Marie turns to Jess and pleads: “Please tell me I will never have to be out there again!”

That we understand this sentiment should come as no surprise. When married, our sexual routine was a safe bet. We either had sex or we didn’t. We were familiar with our partner’s moves, and we knew what was expected of us. Whatever else it may have been, it was safe. And our needs were — to varying extents, depending on the partnership — being met. After a break-up, however, things are neither “safe” nor predictable. We’re not only dealing with a painful recovery process, but we’re also wondering if we’ll ever have a satisfying — or whether we’ll be able to or be loved — again.

Sex and divorce are two of the most emotionally potent subjects of our time. When combined, they create a psychological cocktail with all the portents of both ecstasy and hangover, of pleasure and pain, of risk and failure. And, as with any strong elixir, the subliminal message reads: handle with care.

Unless you left your ex for someone else, break-up usually means being single again. And being single again means that you’re going to face, in one way or another, the potential of new relationships and their inherent sexuality. And sexuality, for all the self-help manuals that have proliferated in North over the last few decades, still remains a mystery to some extent. Sex is the private poetry that flows between two individuals — even if only for the moment — carrying with it a unique signature of communication at its most intimate. It’s a physical and emotional union where our most primal expressions of self are laid bare to another being.

Divorce, on the other hand, no matter how common it has become in our society, is still a painful psychological process of denial and acceptance, grief and growth, death and rebirth. How is one to manage both the pain of divorce and the uncertainty of new sexual encounters when dealing with one comes so close upon the heels of the other? Coping with divorce and the prospect of intimate sexual relationships thereafter is like having each foot in a different camp: which deserves the most attention?

The answer lies in finding the root that connects them both: in dealing with one issue, you ultimately find yourself dealing with both. And in order to begin that process, you need to examine the dynamics of the partnership that’s ended and identify a starting point uniquely your own.

Being out in the cold

According to Jill Fein, a certified Imago relationship therapist and LCSW practicing in Lincolnwood, IL, some people want to get right back on the horse after splitting up with their spouse — and the sooner, the better. “It’s a way to reassure themselves that they’re still desirable,” she says. “Others are very cautious: they want to protect themselves from ever being hurt again. Many clients have told me they’d love to be in a relationship if there were a guarantee they wouldn’t get hurt. But opening your heart to someone is a risk — and it’s the risk you have to take if you want to be in a relationship.”

There’s absolutely no doubt that the prospect of new sexual relationships is going to bring emotional issues related to your break-up to the forefront. If you have unresolved hurt or anger, these are going to affect your sexuality and your ability to become involved in a fulfilling manner. Post-divorce sex can either salt the existing wounds or be a loving, satisfying experience; it depends on where you are on your “healing curve.”

Being dumped can bring on low self-esteem, feelings of personal failure, rejection, and abandonment. And these will have a tremendous impact on how you perceive your sexual attractiveness and the way you interact sexually. In addition, there’s still a considerable divide between men and women with respect to sexual objectives and attitudes that govern sexual behavior.

Looking for Mr./Ms. Goodbar

Feelings of abandonment or rejection can manifest themselves in a number of ways. You could experience some sexual inhibitions and feel fearful of sexual contact, since rejection can have a debilitating effect on your sense of inner self and . Alternatively, you could use your sexuality as a vehicle to act out your anger and to regain a sense of control, or as an attention-getting device, attempting to repair your damaged self-esteem.

A woman who has been left by her spouse often loses much of her self-confidence and self-esteem, notes Toronto-based individual and marital therapist Karen Solomon-Ament. “She needs to feel love and acclamation, and so she’ll have sex with the guy who gives her attention and fulfills her immediate need. Then she wakes up the next morning hating herself. It can also be a way of retaliating from being in a relationship where she felt impotent, neglected, or rejected.” Of course, men can end up on this emotional rollercoaster, too.

Solomon-Ament says that this is really a form of self-sabotage: that by using casual sex specifically to deal with unresolved issues, you’re only effecting a temporary cure that carries one hell of an emotional hang-over — not to mention the physical dangers of having sex with someone you don’t know well. Your self-esteem and sense of self-worth continue to be assaulted the “morning after,” and you’re actively denying yourself all of the joy and fulfillment of a loving sexual relationship.

Sex with your ex

Many who’ve split up avoid the whole prospect of being out in the cold by continuing to have a sexual relationship even though the relationship is over. It’s a way of remaining in the safe, secure sexual environment we know and delaying the inevitable plunge into the unknown singles market. Therapists, however, are quick to point out that it “ain’t over ’till it’s over.” In other words, while sex with your ex can provide a wonderful release, you need to let go sexually in order to fully heal, grow, and move on to a new life. And that won’t happen until you and your ex can agree to stay out of each other’s beds.

Sharon admits to having an on-again, off-again affair with her ex-husband, Dave, for four years after they split up. “Every time we’d make love, I’d think ‘This feels so great — he must want to get back together with me.’ And each time, I ended up hurt and disappointed, because all he wanted was the sex.” The last time they slept together, Dave told her he was engaged to someone else. “It was like a cold bucket of water in the face,” Sharon remembers. “I asked him how he could cheat on his fiancée, and he replied that it wasn’t really cheating if it was just with me.” She suddenly realized that he intended to go on having sex with her even after his to another woman, and that she had to terminate their sexual relationship if she wanted to get over him and move on with her life. “It was a bit like getting divorced again — really sad and painful,” she says. “And it took Dave years to stop making passes at me whenever I’d see him; he just couldn’t believe that I was never going to sleep with him again.”

Abusive marriages

If you’ve left behind an abusive marriage, there are probably a number of very deep emotional issues that need to be tackled before you should consider starting an intimate, sexual relationship. The main risk of entering into new relationships lies in repeating an established pattern: the relationship may be new, but your role as a victim will be all too familiar.

“Before getting into a new relationship, you should consider therapy,” advises Debra Burrell, a psychotherapist who provides “Mars-Venus” counseling and workshops based on the work of Dr. John Gray. “Make sure you’re not the same person who was the victim in the abusive relationship. You need to learn how to spot the warning signs early on, and how to attract a different type of mate.”

Burrell emphasizes that unresolved emotional issues stemming from an abusive marriage can result in the individual finding themselves in the same type of toxic relationships over and over again.

Sexually repressed marriages

When coming from a sexually repressed marriage, there are two common reactions: to choose another partner with low sexual requirements; or to get out there and make up for lost time! If you felt sex-starved by an unresponsive marital partner, then you’re going to have a great deal of pent-up urges that want expression. And finding a sexually responsive partner can open up a whole new realm of joy.

There are risks, however, to becoming sexually active immediately following a break-up. Burrell points out that you’re not likely to be very discriminating at this stage, and that you’ll only become more discerning with time. The difference between sexual experimentation as acting-out behavior — as opposed to the positive enjoyment of one’s freedom — depends on a number of psychological factors. Whether or not it’s okay to “go out and play” for a while depends on you: your background, religious beliefs, and personal history.

“If you’re inclined to have sex immediately after break-up, you need to accept that it’s raw sex,” says Solomon-Ament. “It’s primal. Sex for its own sake is okay as long as it’s consenting and not abusive or destructive to either partner.”

And remember to have safe sex each and every time you sleep with someone. You can’t tell whether someone has a sexually transmitted disease (STD) by looking at them: nice people get AIDS and herpes, too. If you don’t know what safe sex is (and you may not after a long-term, monogamous marriage), ask your doctor about safe-sex practices, or get a book such as Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer or The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex and read all about it before having sex with a new partner.

Most therapists agree that it takes a minimum of one to two years to heal from a divorce. You’re extremely vulnerable after a break-up, so if you’re not sure about whether you really want to have sex, or why you are having sex, it’s best to wait until you know.

Performance anxiety and inhibitions

Sexual performance anxiety in men is not uncommon after divorce. If this is the case, visit a physician to find out whether there’s a physical cause for your impotence. If physical problems have been ruled out, consider seeking help from a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. Non-organic impotence can be caused by anxiety or guilt: it often emerges when the relationship has not had a final ending or closure; or when it has broken down because the man’s wife was cheating on him; or sometimes even if the man was the one who did the cheating.

Interestingly, though not surprisingly, men often try and work their problems out themselves rather than going for help. For health reasons, however, men suffering from impotence should find out whether the cause is organic or non-organic with the help of a medical practitioner. Then, when they’re ready, they can choose to seek help from a doctor or therapist.

Jill Fein suggests that anyone who has been in a long-term partnership may feel some sexual inhibition with a new partner. “It’s normal to have inhibitions after divorce,” she says. “There’s the fear of being naked in front of someone new — to leave the security of being with someone who has seen you change over the years.”

If you’re used to a sexual routine in which the ability to please and be pleased has been mapped out by experience, you’ll be facing a whole new set of questions, such as: “What’s expected of me now?” “Is there anything more about sex I should know?” or “What kind of sexual behavior is considered acceptable?” These concerns should eventually subside through the process of learning and sharing with a new sexual partner.

“There’s a terrible embarrassment about revealing yourself after years and years of marriage,” says Monica Morris, the author of Looking for Love in Later Life (Avery ). “Both men and women feel like this. Men are afraid they won’t measure up, that they won’t be able to deliver — especially older men, although younger men also experience this… Sex is such a problem for men. Either they have an erection, or they don’t — there’s no faking it.”

Sexual inhibitions in a woman can have a great deal to do with negative body image. Becky Wilborn, president of the Diet Center in Manhattan, points out that being — or even feeling — overweight affects every area of a woman’s life: including her vitality, self-expression, and self-esteem. While she is taking part in the sexual act, this woman’s mind is likely to be engaged with thoughts such as: “I hope he doesn’t see this part of my body, or that part…” rather than concentrating on pleasure. Before she can truly enjoy and wholeheartedly participate in sex, she needs to deal with her body-image issues.

Body Image and Sex

Our body image is what is triggered in our minds when we look in the mirror: how we perceive and feel about ourselves. And there are huge gender differences. Although things are changing, says Wilborn, generally speaking, women are more concerned about appearance and body weight than men. Women are trained from childhood to believe that their appearance is extremely important and they must invest considerable time, effort, and expense in maintaining it if they want to be happy and successful.

Poor body image almost inevitably translates into bad sex. If you’re trying to flatten your stomach or worried about how your thighs look, for example, you’re unlikely to derive much pleasure from the sex act. Dr. Thomas Cash, a researcher into the link between body image and sex at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA has found that women who like the way they look reach orgasm more frequently than those who were preoccupied with their “physical defects”: they reported reaching orgasm 73% of the time compared with only 42% for women with a negative body image.

Very often, weight gain in a woman is a substitute “problem” for an underlying emotional issue she doesn’t want to deal with. For example, if she’s been hurt by a painful break-up and she’s terrified about her future prospects, she might gain weight out of a subconscious wish to become “undesirable” and thereby protect herself from having to face the pain and fear of rejection.

Wilborn, who estimates that 75% of her clients are women, points out that some women start to gain weight before a break-up to avoid sex with their husbands, from whom they feel emotionally estranged. “For some, the extra weight is there because of intimacy issues: the weight is a cushion protecting her from having to have sex with her husband. After a divorce, being overweight can be a barrier between a woman and a new relationship.”

Even a stunning woman can have a poor body image; she feels ugly or undesirable, and that translates into a negative energy that she sends out to men. Most women and men, whether they realize it or not, are attracted to a person’s energy far more than their physiology. The key to positive sexual energy is truly accepting and loving yourself — and that includes your body.

Ask yourself: “How do I feel about my body?” If the answer is a list of dislikes and complaints, then you can be pretty sure you have a self-esteem or body-image problem. The first step to renovating your poor self-image is to identify the belief that’s responsible for it, figure out where this belief came from, and deal with the experience that caused it. If you’re having trouble figuring out the original “trigger” for your negative thoughts, try writing a history of your body: how it looked from early childhood to present day. Maybe your dislike of your body began with a teenage case of acne, or with a sudden weight gain when you started taking birth-control pills, or with a critical boyfriend. Pick up a copy of The Body Image Workbook: An 8-Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks by Thomas F. Cash, Ph.D. for help.

Men are not immune from feelings of low self-esteem or poor body image, either. “Men feel very much like this, too,” says Monica Morris. “Especially older men, although younger men also experience this. They’re afraid they won’t measure up, that they won’t be able to deliver. This seems to be a constant problem with men at any age.”

What men want

There’s an old saying that sex is emotional for women and physical for men. Although it’s dangerous to make generalizations about the way all men are, researchers have found that men are aroused mainly through their senses: particularly through sight, although sound and smell play their parts, too. And, as male arousal tends to be generated by physiological rather than psychological stimuli, men are far more likely than women to be ready for sex very soon after divorce.

The impetus to get involved again can be strengthened by a man’s need to fill the emotional gap that has been created by loss of a partner: having sex means that men can be intimate without having to talk about their feelings. It’s also a validation of their egos, which is especially important when the ego is bruised. Hence, many men are interested in having sex as early as the first date. “Sleeping around to build up self-esteem is a common mistake,” says Debra Burrell. “They’re seeking attention to make them feel loved and lovable, but ultimately, it always backfires.”

Frank asked his wife for a divorce after he discovered that she had been cheating on him with one of his best friends for over a year. He felt deeply betrayed and hurt by both of them, and ended up having a string of one-night stands in an effort to reassure himself about his attractiveness to women — and to make himself feel better. “At first, it was great,” he says. “Going to bed with different women made me feel like some kind of stud — and I was also trying to rub my ex’s nose in the fact that I had multiple sex partners. But after a while, I realized that sex with virtual strangers was not ultimately fulfilling: sure, I wanted sex, but I also wanted to fall asleep with my arms around a woman I loved.”

Frank discovered that he missed the emotional intimacy and touching of marriage as much as he missed the sex, and decided to stop sleeping around until he found someone with whom he really “connected.” He also started going for regular therapeutic massages, which he found lowered his stress level and filled some of his need to be touched by another human.

For men, a desire to have sex doesn’t necessarily translate into a desire for a relationship. For women, however, having sex tends to have different, more powerful implications.

What women want

Women are more likely to glean a sense of being loved from non-sexual behaviors — having flowers bought for them, receiving loving letters, or having a man demonstrate his feelings through appreciative gestures — than through the mere act of having sex. They’re also more likely to want to sort out their post-divorce issues before getting involved sexually again.

For women, sex is usually more than physical gratification. It’s an emotional investment — what Jill Fein calls “opening your heart.” Most men are able to walk away after sex and go about their business without a second thought, but women are left wondering where they stand. If her break-up is very fresh, the potential damages of becoming involved sexually far outweigh the potential benefits.

Respecting these differences makes sense, especially for women. Hence, a good rule of thumb should be: “What’s the hurry?”

Learning to trust again

Having sex can be one of the most intimate acts we can share as human beings. By its very nature, the sexual act makes us vulnerable to one another. And divorce has everything to do with the loss of our faith, idealism, and our trust in others and in relationships. Getting involved again is about learning to trust once more and, before we can do that, we must first heal, deal with our emotional issues, and get a positive sense of self.

Whatever you’re doing sexually, it should feel good, have a sense of “rightness,” and enhance your life with fulfillment and well-being. If you need help getting to that place, don’t be afraid to ask for it. Above all, it’s beneficial to have a healthy awareness of the sexual differences between men and women — this awareness will enable you to celebrate them in yourself and in your new partner.

XBIZ Sets Plans in Motion for June 2011 Chicago Conference

e26a438db0fa7f6e4df4fac6fb862aa2 XBIZ Sets Plans in Motion for June 2011 Chicago Conference

— XBIZ is pleased to announce that it has set plans in motion for a cutting-edge digital media conference to be held in June in .

Called the XBIZ Summit, the conference will offer attendees the opportunity to mix with through a slate of exclusive informational sessions and business-networking special .

“The world-class city of Chicago will add a new and exciting dimension to our summer event offerings and allow attendees to generate new business from previously untapped markets.” said Kristen Kaye, XBIZ executive director of business development.

As with previous XBIZ summer events, the show will feature three days of high-energy business engagements, set among Chicago’s world-famous restaurants, vibrant nightlife, cutting-edge architecture, legendary blues and breathtaking views.

“We are very excited about Chicago. There’s no other city like it in the world,” said Moe Helmy, XBIZ’s events director.

“Not only is Chicago full of life and energy, but it’s the perfect venue for a summer show that mixes business with pleasure.”

Combined with Chicago’s world-class offerings, XBIZ Summit is set to be the online industry’s top networking event of the summer, bringing together company decision-makers from across and international markets for three days of unparalleled seminars, business-networking and deal-making opportunities.

For more information, go to XBIZSummit.com.

Israeli settlements: US vetoes UNSC resolution

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The US has vetoed an Arab resolution at the UN Security Council condemning Israeli settlements in the Palestinian territories as an obstacle to peace.

All 14 other members of the Security Council backed the resolution, which had been endorsed by the Palestine Liberation Organisation (PLO).

It was the first veto exercised by the which had promised better relations with the Muslim world.

A Palestinian official said the talks process would now be “re-assessed”.

was under pressure from Israel and Congress, which has a strong pro-Israel lobby, to use its veto.

The Obama administration’s decision risks angering Arab peoples at a time of mass street protests in the , the BBC’s Barbara Plett reports from the UN.

It had placed enormous pressure on the Palestinians to withdraw the resolution and accept alternatives, but these were ultimately rejected.

Analysis
Barbara Plett BBC UN correspondent

On paper this was a defeat for the Palestinians but they and representatives of other Arab nations seemed to be in a buoyant mood. They had held out some hope that would abstain, but not much, so the veto was predictable.

The degree of support, on the other hand, was overwhelming: some 130 countries co-sponsored the resolution, and all the other members of the Security Council voted for it.

The result was strong endorsement of the Palestinian position on Israeli settlements – that they are illegal, and an obstacle to peace – which isolated Israel. It also isolated the United States.

No matter what reasons America gave for the veto (it insisted bringing the matter to the Security Council complicated chances for peace talks) or how fulsomely it criticised settlement building (as a folly and threat to peace) it appeared out of sync with the international consensus, and as Israel’s only defender.

Given the ferment in the Arab world at the moment, that is not a good position for Washington to be in.

While stating that it opposed new settlements, the Obama administration argued that taking the issue to the UN would only complicate efforts to resume stalled negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians on a two-state peace deal.

“Unfortunately, this draft resolution risks hardening the positions of both sides,” said the US ambassador to the UN, Susan Rice.

The resolution, sponsored by at least 130 countries, declared Israeli settlements in Palestinian territories were illegal and a “major obstacle to the achievement of a just, lasting and comprehensive peace”.

Speaking from Ramallah in the West Bank, PLO Yasser Abed Rabbo said the US veto was “unfortunate” and “affected the credibility of the US administration”.

Israeli Benjamin Netanyahu welcomed the US veto, adding that his country remained committed to “a solution that will reconcile the Palestinians’ legitimate aspirations for statehood with Israel’s need for security and recognition”.

Britain, which voted in favour of the resolution, called on Israel and the Palestinians to resume talks because of the gravity of the stalemate between the two sides.

Referring to recent events in and other Arab states, Foreign Secretary William Hague said the parties involved should not be “diverted by events in the wider region from working towards a just and lasting resolution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict”.

“I call on both parties to return as soon as possible to direct negotiations towards a two-state solution, on the basis of clear parameters,” he added.

Parenting, Part II: Don’t create star-crossed lovers

1efffc078b314d8f9d9aa2ec50e3ced8 Parenting, Part II: Don’t create star crossed lovers

Jane Isay has three words for parents who think they can stop their kids from the wrong people: “Romeo and Juliet.”

Let’s face it: There’s nothing quite like parental disapproval to give young a certain zing. And, for parents, there’s nothing quite like seeing your teen or twentysomething in love with someone you can’t stand or, at least, can’t stand to see with them.

“Parents have dreams for their children, and when the child brings home the wrong person, it can shatter those dreams,” says Isay, an author of two books on family who lives in .

Susan Ende, a psychotherapist and author who lives in Pasadena, Calif., concurs: “You find out things about your children that maybe you don’t like — for example, that it turns out that your son likes bimbos. But what can you do?”

That’s an excellent question — because once children are past age 5 or so, you can’t choose their friends or address their Valentine cards.

And few parents in modern America possess the power to outright forbid a relationship between adults. You can try it with teens, but banning a bad boyfriend or should be a “last resort, reserved for when a child is unable to get out of a horrible situation on their own,” says Kelly Roberts, a marriage and family therapist in Edmond, Okla.

As Shakespeare knew, a ban can backfire. The writers of NBC’s Parenthood know, too: They recently built a plot around a 16-year-old girl determined to date an older, forbidden guy. First, she sneaks out to see him; later, she moves out of her parents’ house.

Those things happen, says Mike Nutting, 18, a high school senior from Bartlett, Ill., who contributes to Radical (radicalparenting.com), a website where teens write for parents. “I’ve known kids who’ve gone behind their parents’ backs when their parents didn’t approve,” he says.

A teen’s view
Hailee Smith, a 15-year-old high school sophomore in Pittsgrove, N.J., doesn’t want her parents picking her boyfriends. But she doesn’t mind hearing what they think.

“If my mom doesn’t like who I’m dating or who my sister is dating, we take that into consideration,” says Hailee, a contributor to radicalparenting.com.

In fact, she says, she has dropped boys after reluctantly agreeing with a negative parental review.

“Parents should have their say,” she says. “But they should also trust that they’ve raised you well enough to make good judgments.

Ultimately, it’s your choice.” Sometimes the choices won’t be great, she says: “Everyone makes mistakes, but those can be learning experiences.”

“There are always ways to get around parents,” agrees Rachel Wong, 17, a senior from New York who also writes for the Radical Parenting site.

But that doesn’t mean parents must just shut up and suffer.

In fact, Roberts says, parents of teens have a responsibility to share concerns if they are uneasy about any friend, romantic or not.

It’s right to “trust your gut,” she says. Research even shows that teen girls dating guys that their parents and friends do not like are at higher risk for abuse.

Here are some ways to wield influence without overplaying your hand:

•Focus on the behavior, not the boyfriend (or girlfriend). Roberts says: “You might say ‘It bothers me that he stands in the foyer playing with his cellphone instead of coming in to say ‘hi’ to … It makes feel like he doesn’t want to meet the people who are important in your life.”

•Practice your poker face. Parents who keep cool (or who at least keep any hysteria to themselves) accomplish and learn more, says Vanessa Van Petten, 25, the creator of Radical Parenting.

•Extend the welcome mat. After a few family dinners or games of mini-golf, you may see what your son sees in “that girl” — or have some new, reality-based concerns to share.

•Cheer up. Most young romances die a natural death. “Teenagers think they are going to be with someone forever,” Van Petten says, but they usually are wrong. Parents can safely ignore any teen romance for the first three weeks, she says. Even parents of ’s twentysomethings should know most boyfriends and girlfriends are not future in-laws, Isay says: “They are just boyfriends and girlfriends.”

•Know when to call in a pro. If your child is caught up with an abuser or addict, you can’t solve their problems alone. Seek help or, if your child is an adult, urge him or her to seek help from a therapist or appropriate support organization.

Egypt protests: US call to Hosni Mubarak’s government

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The has called on the Egyptian government to lift its 30-year-old state of emergency immediately.

Earlier, the described as “particularly unhelpful” comments by Egyptian Vice-President Omar Suleiman that the country was not ready for democracy.

Mr Suleiman has warned of a coup if constitutional reforms fail.

Tuesday saw one of the biggest anti-government rallies in Cairo since the protests began on 25 January.

It came despite the government’s announcement of its plans for a peaceful transfer of power.

President Hosni Mubarak has said he will stay in office until elections in September, when he plans to step down.
US pressure

US Vice-President Joe Biden urged that the transition should produce “immediate, irreversible progress that responds to the aspirations of the Egyptian people”.

“Start Quote

The real test of the revolution’s success or failure is whether it changes Egypt permanently”

End Quote
Jeremy Bowen BBC Middle East editor

* Egypt’s unfinished revolution

He also called on the Egyptian government to stop arresting and beating journalists and activists. The interior ministry should be restrained immediately and there should be a clear policy of no reprisals, Mr Biden said.

Earlier on Tuesday, US President Barack ’s spokesman, Robert Gibbs, said Mr Suleiman’s remarks about Egypt not being ready for democracy were “particularly unhelpful”, adding that they do not square with the idea of a timetable for progress.

The US vice-president has been phoning his Egyptian opposite number on an almost daily basis and his latest call is the toughest yet, says BBC editor Mark Mardell.

The focus now seems not to be on President Mubarak and his future but on what the White House calls “concrete reforms”, our editor says.

So far the administration’s repeated suggestions over the last week have been met largely by grudging commitments from the Egyptian authorities and little action, he adds.

As the protests entered their third week, hundreds of thousands of Egyptians poured into Cairo’s Tahrir Square for the latest protest. Initial attempts by the to check the identity cards of those joining the demonstration were quickly abandoned because of the sheer weight of numbers.

Wael Ghonim, a Google executive who was detained by state security forces for 12 days, often blindfolded, was feted by the crowds as he entered Tahrir Square. He is credited with setting up the page on the Facebook social network that helped galvanise protesters.

“We will not abandon our demand and that is the departure of the regime,” Mr Ghonim told protesters in the square, to cheers and applause.

Large crowds also demonstrated in the second city, Alexandria, and other Egyptian towns and cities.
Wael Ghonim, a Google executive, hugs the mother of Khaled Said, a young businessman who died last June at the hands of undercover police, at Cairo’s Tahrir Square. Photo: 8 February 2011 Wael Ghonim (left) is credited with setting up a Facebook page that helped galvanise protesters

In his response to the protest movement that has presented by far the most serious challenge to his 30-year rule, President Mubarak has set up one committee to propose constitutional changes, and another is being formed to carry the changes out.

Among the key expected changes are a relaxation of the rules on who is eligible to stand for president, and the setting of a limit for presidential terms.

Vice-President Suleiman said a third committee, expected to begin its work in the next few days, would investigate clashes between pro- and anti-Mubarak groups last week and refer its findings to the prosecutor-general.

He also said President Mubarak had issued directives to stop repressive measures against the opposition.

Many protesters have said they are sceptical about any transition managed by the government.

“We don’t trust them any more,” Ahmed, one young Egyptian queuing to get into Tahrir Square, told the BBC. “How can Suleiman guarantee there’ll be no more violence around the election after all the attacks we’ve seen on young people?”

Death toll

The unrest over the last two weeks has seen fierce clashes with police, and pitched battles between protesters and Mubarak supporters.

Human Rights Watch (HRW) researchers say they have confirmed the deaths of 297 people since 28 January, based on a count from eight hospitals in the cities of Cairo, Alexandria and Suez. No comprehensive death toll has been given by the Egyptian government.

Some economic activity has resumed, but authorities have delayed reopening the stock exchange until Sunday. On Friday it was estimated that the paralysis resulting from the unrest had been costing the economy an average of $310m (£193m) a day.

The number of those on Tahrir Square has been swelling each day and dropping back overnight.

Meanwhile, leaked US diplomatic cables carried on the Wikileaks have revealed that Mr Suleiman was named as ’s preferred candidate to succeed President Mubarak after discussions with American officials in 2008.

As Egypt’s intelligence chief, he is said to have spoken daily to the Israeli government via a secret “hotline” on issues surrounding the Hamas-run Gaza Strip.

Through Ed Sabol’s lens, the NFL and its players became mythic

9b6a0a25bfc0edc52f15072b51320d9c Through Ed Sabol’s lens, the NFL and its players became mythic

Steve and Ed Sabol, the father and son team who created the legendary NFL Films, before the 1991 Super Bowl.
STORY HIGHLIGHTS

* Ed Sabol loved filming his only son, Steve, playing pee-wee and high school football
* Big Ed bid on 1962 NFL championship, intending to bring Hollywood feel to highlight film
* From there, NFL Films was born, using new techniques to give players god-like qualities
* On Saturday, Hall of Fame selectors will vote on Ed and 14 other candidates

(CNN) — When Steve Sabol was a fourth-grader, he loved two things: football and the movies. Well, three things: football, movies — and football.

Steve, the only son of Ed Sabol, hereafter called Big Ed, played on a team of 70-pounders in southern New Jersey in the 1950s. Big Ed, using a Bell and Howell film camera, skipped out of work and shot the games, sometimes from the roof of the school. When Big Ed was done selling overcoats for the day, the Sabol family often had the other kids on the team over for apple cider and Mom’s cookies — and a private screening.

Big Ed would set up the projector and the phonograph and revel in the exploits of the little lads in their leather shoulder pads. John Philip Sousa or Stan Kenton and Woody Herman would provide the soundtrack.

“My dad, he loved to make movies, and in football he found the perfect subject,” Steve said.

As Steve grew older and became a decent high school player, Ed kept at it, capturing every snap, tackle and touchdown on film. Years later, the boys on the film were replaced by men named Hornung and Kramer and Lombardi and Bradshaw and Swann.

For in the Sabol house, the vision of NFL Films was born to a disgruntled salesman who thought football movies were fun to watch, but …

“I knew I could do better,” Ed said.

Ed Sabol is 94 now, retired and living in Arizona. His creative mind is as fertile as ever, says his son, who took over NFL Films in 1987. The elder Sabol is on the ballot for Saturday’s Pro Football Hall of Fame as a contributor. Most of the men who have been inducted as contributors were coaches who changed the game or were past commissioners.

On Saturday, voters will select five men from the 15 finalists. Big Ed is the only non-player on the final ballot.

Sports Illustrated: See the final candidates

It’s time for him to be celebrated, many NFL observers say. After all, NFL Films changed the way the league was viewed, not just by fans but by all Americans.

“Every other major sports league is envious of the because it has NFL Films to document their history and grow the game,” said Ira Kaufman of the Tampa Tribune, a Hall of Fame voter who will make the case for Big Ed on Saturday. “You’ll always have your rabid fans, but NFL Films made it easier for the casual fan to grasp pro football and embrace it.”

We took what every fan felt about the game and added music and sound, and we magnified and we glorified and we put it on a movie screen.
–Steve Sabol, NFL Films

RELATED TOPICS

* NFL Films Inc.
* NFL Football
* Super Bowl

In the early ’60s, the NFL was far from the most popular sports league in America. and the glamorous New York Yankees were king. College football was more popular than pro football.

Ed Sabol was selling coats. He hated it. He didn’t hate the coats; they were “very high quality,” but he wanted to do something else. He saw in the paper that the rights to film the 1962 NFL Championship were up for bid. Why not take a shot, he thought. I can do better, and if not, I’ll find someone who can help me do it.

So he bid $5,000, Steve says, and during a three-martini lunch (that turned into four) won over the commissioner of the NFL, Pete Rozelle.

Big Ed, who loved the films of director John Ford and the musicals of Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly, set out to marry the drama of the game to stirring music that elevated the men of the NFL to mythic proportions.

But that very first game was a near disaster for Big Ed, his son and the others who helped shoot it. For starters, it was brutally . Cameras broke. Film cracked. Lenses froze.

“My dad was so upset, he spent the whole second half in the (bathroom),” Steve said.

Big Ed says he just wanted to get away.

“At that particular moment, I was not interested in doing another game nor concerned about the future,” he said. “I just wanted to get out of the stadium, get home and warm up.”

But weeks later, when the film, entitled “The NFL’s Longest Day,” was developed and edited, league officials loved it. And soon America would come to the short films, too.

Big Ed calls that first film his favorite and points to the end scene as something that set his group apart. The last shot is of the empty stadium after the game. Wind blows newspapers and programs around the lonely goal posts.

“I had a saying that I always told all of our cameramen: ‘Finish like a pro,’ ” he said, “and this cameraman got this memorable shot because he finished like a pro.”

Big Ed encouraged his crew to take risks (Steve’s words) though the father says: “In my eyes, they were not risks; rather (it was) doing film the way I felt it should be done.”

He chose employees for their passion, creativity and love of the game. It made his company legendary.

No longer were football movies just a series of real-time shots of players running past would-be tacklers. The Sabols slowed it down, using multiple cameras to capture the action in the trenches and the big hits people hadn’t seen before. They showed us the faces behind the masks, Kaufman says.

It took a few years, though, of learning through experimentation.

“We had to figure out what the hell we were doing,” Steve said. “The company was sustained by my dad’s personality. We were all a bunch of young kids trying to figure out how to make movies. Thank God there was one veteran (among the five staff members), a director named Dan Endy.”

Another innovation was to give voice to the game, putting microphones on the players and coaches.

One of the first coaches to wear a mic was one of the greatest of all time, Vince Lombardi. But the first time they wired up the legendary Green Bay Packers boss at a game in Minneapolis, they captured more than his gravelly tone, Steve says. The radio also picked up a nearby cab dispatcher.

“You’d hear Lombardi say, ‘What the hell is going on out here?’ Then you’d hear someone say, ‘We have a out here with a kid and a cart; is there someone who can pick her up?’ ”

YouTube: NFL Films tribute to Vince Lombardi

But winning over Lombardi — getting him to let them follow him into meeting and onto the practice field — was a boon. Other coaches like Hank Stram followed.

By Super Bowl IV, the operation was humming, and the dialogue the Chiefs coach carried through the game and film enamored an audience that had no idea a football team could, in the words of Stram, “matriculate the ball down the field.”

Hollywood also took notice of the cinematic innovations.

”NFL highlight reels had a real impact on how movies get made, particularly montages,” two-time Academy Award winning director Ron Howard told the New York Times in 2000. ”Lots of different images. Images on images. Using the slow-motion, combined with the live action. The hard-hitting sound effects, juxtaposed against incredible music, powerful music, creating a really emotional experience for the viewer.”

Steve Sabol likes to recount how the late, great Sam Peckinpah told a Hollywood trade magazine that the epic climactic scene in “The Wild Bunch” was inspired by a football movie that used cameras ringing the action, shooting at different speeds with different perspectives.

Ron Shelton, who has directed five sports movies, said Hollywood could get away with things in those kind of films of the ’40s and ’50s that it can’t anymore.

“Once it was available on , filmmakers had to step up their games, and the Sabols came along and said, ‘We’re going to put the bar way up here,’ ” said Shelton, who grew up loving the Rams. “They have great attention to every detail — to the lenses, to the speed (of the film), to the technical ability to follow a runner.”

if you watch a football movie like “Rudy” or “Brian’s Song” or even “We Are Marshall,” you’ll notice touches of NFL Films: the close-ups of the tight spiral of a pass, for example, or the key moments unfolding slowly.

The man who wanted to bring a Hollywood feel to football films ended up having an impact on Hollywood.

“We took what every fan felt about the game and added music and sound, and we magnified, and we glorified, and we put it on a movie screen,” Steve said.

“We distilled what they love about the game: the fierce physical nature, the competition, the history and the traditions, and also the humor.

“We gave it a mythology.”

Steve points to the film “They Call It Pro Football” as the movie that really elevated NFL players to divine status. It was also the debut of announcer John Facenda, whose rich, firm voice led to the nickname “The Voice of God.”

YouTube: “They Call It Pro Football”

Facenda was not a sportscaster, and the NFL owners wanted a more well-known personality like or Chris Schenkel, but Big Ed insisted that it didn’t matter that Facenda knew little about the game. Once again, Big Ed had to persuade the league to take a chance.

And when Facenda read one of the first lines of the film: “It starts with a whistle and ends with a gun,” the father and son knew they were right.

One hundred Emmys later, NFL Films still finds ways to be innovative. Fancy new helps, but for Big Ed and Steve, it was always about finding the right people who were willing to take chances.

NFL Films has grown from a recently retired coat salesman and his kid showing movies at Kiwanis Clubs or bar mitzvahs to a company with more than 300 employees and revenue of tens of millions, with programs on six networks.

Proponents of Big Ed’s Hall bid insist that you can’t tell the history of the NFL without including Ed Sabol and NFL Films.

Yet their place in the Hall of Fame is not a sure thing, because there are a lot of great players on the ballot and on future ballots.

“I’m a little concerned that a lot of voters won’t cast a vote for any contributor with the argument that there’s a backlog of players who deserve to get in,” Kaufman said. “I’m not buying that argument. I think Sabol’s overdue.

“He’s a towering figure in this league. Let’s do this now.”

Big Ed plays down the idea of being in the Hall. He’s enjoying retirement in Scottsdale, fully satisfied with a career of bringing the drama of Sunday’s gladiators to America’s TV screens.

If he wants to reflect on it all, he’ll have no problem. It’s all there on film.

On the ground amid Egyptians’ protests

04c569b1d312809336eed2f9fdaef4ff On the ground amid Egyptians’ protests

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

* A cab driver says, “We don’t need a new government, we need a new president.”
* A stranded U.S. family, unable to communicate with the outside world, contemplates what to do
* outages are affecting life in unexpected ways

RELATED TOPICS

* Mohamed ElBaradei
* Egypt
* Hosni Mubarak

Cairo, Egypt (CNN) — The grizzled taxi driver manuevered his battered black-and-white cab down an overpass, toward streets where head-scarved women posed for photos with the burned-out hulks of police vehicles.

“Tell America to stop supporting this (expletive) government,” the driver named Shaban swore, enthusiastic about the fast-moving events in Egypt, where tens of thousands of people demanding the president’s resignation have clashed with forces.

“We don’t need a new government, we need a new president,” he said.

After two days of protests, police had been forced to retreat. There was no sign of them anywhere on Saturday.

Instead, the beige armored personnel carriers of units from the ’s Presidential Guard were posted at intersections and outside strategic buildings, such as the offices of Egyptian state .

Early Saturday afternoon, thousands of chanting demonstrators filed passed the still-smoking office building that was, until Friday, the headquarters for the ruling National Democratic Party.

As the protesters approached the Egyptian TV building, soldiers linked arms, forming a chain to hold then back. The crowd stopped short of the troops and continued chanting.

“Down, down, Hosni Mubarak,” they yelled. “The people want to bring down the regime.”

“We will not stop until we get a new president,” declared one protester named Mustafa, who would not give his full name because he wasn’t “100% sure” he could publicly criticize the government without being punished.

“Yesterday was a very exceptional day in the history of Egypt. It is the day we spoke up” the said. As for the police, he said, “they are gone…in some rats’ hole.”

Not everyone was celebrating the absence of police. The sudden lack of security raised fears among some of anarchy in the streets.

“Last night people came to destroy the Radio Shack in my neighborhood, looted the whole thing with knives and sticks,” said Adham el Kamouny, a presenter with Egypt’s Channel 1 TV. “I want to know, is it on purpose?”

He wondered if Mubarek is “punishing” the people or if there was another reason for the lack of security.

“Is there a conflict between the and the Ministry of Interior? We don’t know, and he’s still responsible,” he said of Mubarak.

Although some local cell phone service had been restored, the Internet remained inaccessible. The collapse of basic telecommunications has had unforeseen consequences in some of the most trivial aspects of daily life.

The handful of bellhops working at the Sheraton Hotel near Cairo International Airport had to scurry from room to room, using their master keys to help guests into their rooms becasue the hotel’s magnetic key system wasn’t working – it relies on Internet access to update guests’ keys.

Hundreds of arriving travelers trapped at Cairo airport by a dusk-to-dawn curfew slept on the floor early Saturday morning. Among them were Lucas Pierce, his family and his girlfriend, who had just arrived from Willsoboro, New York, for what was supposed to be a two-week vacation on the Nile River.

Banned by the curfew from driving to their hotel in downtown Cairo and unable to reach their tour guide because of the blocked cell phone system, the Pierces were contemplating canceling their vacation. But Lucas Pierce, who had organized the trip, said he had a hard time communicating with the outside world to explore alternatives.

“The most frustrating thing is the (blocked) phones and the lack of internet,” said Piece, 25.

Picnicking on the floor, surrounded by Japanese tourists who were sleeping wearing protective surgical masks over their faces, the Pierces debated the pros and cons of landing amidst such chaos in the world’s most populous Arab country.

“I finally I got my first stamp in my passport,” Pierce’s 25-year old girlfriend, Jennifer Trude, said with a laugh.

WikiLeaks founder says enjoys making banks squirm

baa8390fc4cb9e621554a19125dc05d2 WikiLeaks founder says enjoys making banks squirm

| Fri Jan 28, 2011 7:57pm EST

NEW YORK (Reuters) – WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he enjoys making banks squirm thinking they might be the next targets of his which has published diplomatic and secrets.

“I think it’s great. We have all these banks squirming, thinking maybe it’s them,” Assange told the CBS program “60 Minutes” in an interview.

CBS released a partial transcript on Friday ahead of Sunday’s broadcast of the full segment.

Bank of America Corp shares fell more than 3 percent on Nov. 30 on investor fears that the largest U.S. bank by assets would be the subject of a document release.

Interviewer Steve Kroft asked Assange whether he had acquired a five-gigabyte hard drive belonging to one of the bank’s executives, as Assange had previously asserted.

“I won’t make any comment in relation to that upcoming publication,” said Assange, who is under a form of modified house arrest in England, awaiting an extradition hearing to for questioning over alleged sex offenses that he denies.

Assange had told Forbes magazine that WikiLeaks planned a “megaleak” by releasing tens of thousands of internal documents from a major U.S. bank in early 2011 that he expected would lead to investigations of the bank.

In an October 2009 interview, Assange told Computerworld that WikiLeaks had obtained five gigabytes of data from a Bank of America executive’s hard drive.

The Forbes interview came just after WikiLeaks released 250,000 U.S. diplomatic cables. Previously, WikiLeaks had made public nearly 500,000 classified U.S. files on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Major headlines were generated by some of the cables, which revealed that Saudi leaders had urged U.S. military action against Iran and detailed contacts between U.S. diplomats and political dissidents and opposition leaders in some countries.

Assange told “60 Minutes” he fully expected U.S. retaliation but that the American government was incapable of taking his website down.

“The U.S. does not have the technology to take the site down . … Just the way our technology is constructed, the way the Internet is constructed,” Assange said.

“We’ve had attacks on particular domain names. Little pieces of infrastructure knocked out. But we now have some 2,000 fully independent in every way websites, where we’re publishing around the world. It is — I mean, it’s not possible to do.”

WikiLeaks says it is a nonprofit organization funded by human rights campaigners, journalists and the general public. Launched in 2006, it promotes the leaking of information to fight government and corporate corruption.