learning to hold it in
Hey Doc,
I’ve read about the Kegel exercises and the PC muscles. I’m a bit confused as to how this exercise will help me control my ejaculate. Let’s say my PC muscles are really strong. Will I feel the urge to ejaculate, but simply be able to hold it in until I’m ready to let it go? How will strong PC muscles help people, like me, with premature ejaculation?
Thanks,
DC from Chicago
Since I’m the king of bad metaphors, here’s one. Envision your PC muscles like watering the lawn with a hose. You can slow or even stop the flow of water by using your hand to press on the hose like a clamp. Your PC muscles have the ability to help you control the “flow” and squeeze like a clamp. Some people have such strong PC muscles that they can actually feel ejaculation approaching, clamp their PC muscles, have an orgasm and hold their ejaculation back.
Most of us aren’t in multiorgasmic territory, but it gives you an idea of the potential we have. When working with rapid ejaculation, Kegels and strong PC muscles are important pieces, but there’s more to the pie. It’s important for us to work on anxiety reduction to combat performance anxiety, and retraining our bodies through long masturbation sessions (using peaking exercises such as the start-stop method) which teach us ejaculatory control by managing sensation and sensitivity. So, give those PCs constant workouts and begin the quest toward lasting longer!
not getting turned on
Dear Doctor Chaves,
This is my first time asking a question to a sexologist, I hope I can get some help from you.
I am a 28-year-old male and I have been with my girlfriend for almost two years. Our sex life has been pretty good, but lately I have noticed a huge loss of libido. I just don’t feel as aroused toward her, and whenever we have sex I feel as if I am struggling to get a strong erection. As you know, this feels very frustrating for me, and I am sure she notices something is wrong. Do you have any ideas? I appreciate all your help.
Thanks,
S.
Remember the old advice we used to hear back in high school — think of sports or something completely nonsexual and you’ll last longer in bed. We’ve all tried it at some point, and for some of us, it helped us last longer even though it dulled the senses and sensations. Our mind can be pretty powerful, and what’s going on in our minds often shows in our erections and libido. You mentioned “lately” you’ve noticed a change, so what’s happening in your life that triggered that change? Whether it’s work, stress, relationship troubles, self-esteem issues, or feeling down in the dumps, it sounds like something’s bothering you.
A lot of guys keep that inside and the mental pressure builds, often impacting our sex drive and erection. I’d suggest talking things out with your partner or someone you trust, and be honest about what’s on your mind. It might even be about you and her, which makes talking even scarier. Just know that releasing some of that tension can possibly remove the roadblocks in front of your libido and erection. I’ve had clients who saw huge changes in their sexual functioning after addressing what causes them pain in their life.
Doctor Chaves answers more readers’ questions after the break…
going for round two
Hey Doc,
After I’ve had sex with my girlfriend I obviously want to have sex again. However, while the mind is willing, the body is weak and sensitive. How long after climax can I have sex again (with a view to climaxing, obviously), and can I quicken this recovery period? Also, any tips on what to do during this time, to keep us both in the mood for when the time comes around again?
Cheers,
D.
Someone’s kinda horny! Good for you. What you’re describing is the male refractory period, and we all have one. Everyone has a different refractory length, so it’s specific to each person. A few guys can climax and stay hard after ejaculation (I’m so jealous!), while most have to wait a few minutes or days to see the beanstalk grow again. This time period is often associated with age, diet, exercise, weight, and smoking. The older we get, the longer our refractory period gets. The more exercise we do and healthy foods low in fat and bad cholesterol we eat, the more our penis thanks us with erections and quicker refractory periods.
Obesity and smoking effect our blood circulation in the penis, and the refractory period is about refilling the penis with blood. Things you can do to keep the mood going after you climax include watching hot porn; performing oral sex on each other; massages; something kinky like bondage or SM; having her dress in your favorite sexy outfit (garter belts, heels, role-play clothing) and giving you a lap dance. All these things can help mentally turn you on and give that extra little boost back into excitement and arousal.
open relationship blues
Hi Doctor,
I’m in a long distance relationship and we decided to have casual sex with other people while we’re away from each other. I haven’t been able to hook up with anyone else yet and I’m not sure if I will. I feel guilty and it makes me a little jealous and angry to think about her with other guys, but she hasn’t told me anything about any other guys. How can I feel more at ease with our agreeing to see other people? What should I do?
Drew
Raleigh, NC
An open relationship isn’t an easy thing to manage. Many people who try it have difficulties because we all have different expectations and feelings going into it. Sounds like you have some internal struggles over this new change in the relationship. Have you shared this with your partner? One of the key components to any relationship is communication, but especially in open relationships. Couples have to manage setting limits that both people feel comfortable with.
Things you should discuss are boundaries, safe sex and STI testing, and managing the feelings that may arise. I encourage couples who are new to open relationships to read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. The book does a great job discussing topics that sometimes get avoided or left out of conversations with new open relationships, like managing jealousy. Maybe you can read it simultaneously and talk about each chapter over the phone. You never know if a conversation today will prevent an argument or hurt feelings tomorrow.
Have a question for Doctor Chaves? Send it to sexologist@askmen.com
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