This week’s question comes from a reader, Jango, whose Interest Level is much greater than that of his love interest. Can he win her back, or is it time to move on?
reader’s question
Hey Doc,
I’ve been reading your columns for a couple of years and I have a question: I’ve been dating Jill and I’m completely and utterly interested in her. She is smart, funny, a deep thinker, and a philosopher; she stimulates my mind more than anything, and I dig that about her. She had been pursuing me and flirting with me constantly before I finally asked her out. On our first date we spent all day together walking the streets of Manhattan, laughing, flirting, and at the end of the night when we said goodbye, she leaned in and kissed me. It was passionate, sensual and sexy.
why has her interest level dropped?
Anyway, we’d been dating for about three weeks, talking and texting on the phone every day, and then it slowly stopped. We used to talk on the phone for several hours, but now the conversations are down to 20 minutes. She used to text me and ask me about my day, but now she doesn’t even return my texts. She used to tell me that we could go out on a date whenever I had time, but now she says she doesn’t know when she will have the time to go out.
I decided to give Jill a call and ask her why she was being so distant. I told her how incredible I thought she was, how much I respected her mind and how great it was to spend time with her. She responded that she felt the same way, but told me that she wasn’t ready to have a man in her life. She said she wanted to focus 100% of her time on her career, and that the two or three hours we spent on the phone were incredible and magical, but it was two or three hours she could use to do her work. I told her I understood, and that all I wanted was to be there for her and give her space. I added that I would wait on the sidelines and she told me that she just wanted to be alone, without a man waiting for her. She said that I would be a distraction.
She also said that it was the first time in her life that she wasn’t in a relationship and that she was finally independent and wanted to see what that was like. When I told her that I had been there and done that, and that I felt it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, she said she understood but that she still wanted to experience it for herself.
how can I win her back?
I know that Jill likes me, but her career is No. 1, 2, 3, and 4 in her life. Doc, I want to know what I can do to not miss out on the opportunity that Jill gave me, and then suddenly snatched away. She is an incredible woman and certainly worth fighting for, even if the person I’m fighting with is her.
Finally, I offered Jill my friendship and told her I would rather be her friend and talk with her than try to be her boyfriend and lose her. I don’t know if that was a mistake, but she answered pretty coldly and vaguely. How can I win Jill back? What is the best course of action for me?
Jango – who’s been beaten out by Jill’s career
doc love’s answer
Hi Jango,
You’ve been reading my columns for a couple of years now — which means you’ve taken in 104 of them — but you still haven’t invested in “The System.” Why didn’t you get a hold of my materials and memorize them when it was still early enough to head off your problem? You waited too long to take meaningful action. Now you have major headaches, and it didn’t have to be that way, my friend.
I have no doubt whatsoever that you’re completely and utterly interested in Jill. But you never mention her Interest Level in you. Isn’t that amazing? Again, you don’t have my course materials, so you’re like a boat drifting without an anchor. What are you waiting for, pal? Are you waiting for the boat to sink?
I don’t care about any of Jill’s wonderful character traits. I don’t care if she’s a champion skydiver or a Nobel Prize winner. All I care about is how much Jill loves you. Does she? You give no indication of it whatsoever, and her actions don’t either.
Doc Love explains why you must take it slow in order to maintain her Interest Level next…
no strategy, no game
It does seem you were a Challenge to Jill at first when you had her chasing you, though. So what happened? Again, you were unable to keep the momentum going because you had no strategy. And the only true strategy for dealing with women is “The System.”
You were texting and talking on the phone with Jill for the first three weeks you dated her? Jango, why were you giving away the store? Why were you rushing into something with this girl before you had a beachhead? You murdered Challenge by throwing yourself at this girl.
slow and easy
I’ve told you guys a million times that you have to take it slow and easy when you’re dealing with women. Talking on the phone for hours with Jill was not taking it slow and easy. And it was also a key telephone blunder. The phone is for getting dates; it’s not for talking. To you Psych majors: When you act like this, all you’re doing is rushing into rejection. You just can’t wait to spend a million hours with her so that she burns out on you.
Now Jill won’t return your texts. When a girl doesn’t return your texts, you have to drop her. And by the way, you shouldn’t be texting in the first place. When a girl asks if you text, tell her no. Texting is an anti-Challenge activity. Not only won’t Jill text you, she won’t go out with you either. When a woman says she doesn’t have time to go out with you, her Interest Level is in the 40s — if you’re lucky.
But you didn’t read any of the signals you were getting loud and clear. You called Jill and asked what was wrong. In other words, you kissed up to her when her Interest Level was in free fall. But she does think you’re fantastic, even if she doesn’t want a man in her life. Heck, that’s not a contradiction at all!
What bothers me about Jill telling you that she should have spent her time working instead of with you is not that she’s lying, but that she thinks you’re stupid enough to believe it. Do you, Jango?
stop kissing up to her
When you said that you wanted to be there for Jill and give her all of the space she needs, were you on your knees at the time? And when you say something like “I’ll wait on the sidelines,” does that sound like a confident man to you? Well, guy, I see that the 104 articles you read really sunk in. Jill dated you for three weeks and now she says she doesn’t want a relationship? Gosh, Jango, you really have this girl mixed up with someone who cares.
However, in the end, despite all of the evidence to the contrary, you’re convinced that Jill likes you. After all the things she’s been telling you (and she’s been telling you indirectly to get lost), you say that you know she digs you. And you read over 100 of my articles. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Man, you really have to lay off the vino.”
move on, buddy
Nevertheless, you insist that Jill gave you an opportunity. Dude, she gave you nothing. Her Interest Level is in the 30s. That means you’re out . You’re gone. Once Interest Level drops from 51% to 49%, you’re history. What does Jill have to tell you before you get the message? Does she have to say: “I never want to see you again?” Does she have to tell you that her Interest Level is in the toilet? Does she have to tell you that she’s seeing another guy? Your problem, Jango, is that you have 100% Interest Level and Jill has 39% Interest Level. You’re not seeing Reality at all.
Still, you want to fight for her. Like my cousin General Love says: “There’s nothing to fight for. The war is over and you’re the loser.” Jango, you can’t fight to raise Interest Level. Are you sure you haven’t been reading the articles of another love doctor?
You don’t know if it was a mistake to offer to be friends with Jill? It was a huge mistake! When you do something like that, you come off as a wimp and you’re begging for the woman to like you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “This is shameful behavior, my son.”
You can never win Jill back. And here’s the saddest part: You’re going to do the same thing with the next girl you date. You’re going to be a wimp and you’re going to give away the store too soon again. You’re going to make all of the same mistakes again until you memorize my materials.
There’s only one course of action for you now: Invest in my materials.
Remember, guys: If you go in fast, you go out fast.
To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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