This week, Doc Love answers a question from a reader who is separated from his wife and who is having relationship troubles with a girlfriend he loves.
reader’s question
Hey Doc,
I’ve read your course materials and love your weekly column. Much wise material is contained in your words.
I’m a professor in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, and I have recently separated from my wife. I also have a 6-year-old daughter. I met Danya, a student of mine, and we started talking, going out on dates and finally established a relationship. She’s 29, I’m 33 and everything was fine for the first three months, until she told her parents about our relationship. Since then they have transformed my life into a living hell.
Every time Danya and I are together, she is wonderful, we make plans for the future and we have lots of fun. But whenever her parents call or visit her, they tell her that sooner or later I will leave her and go back to my ex-wife, and that I’ll break her heart, just like her ex-boyfriend who was also separated from his wife. Well, they don’t know me and they shouldn’t make such harsh judgments.
unwanted parental influence
Now these people are badgering Danya on a daily basis, trying to convince her to go back to her hometown, which is 2,000 miles from here. She’s beginning to tell me to forget her and to not call her anymore because it’s going to be easier for her to forget me that way. She says she can’t take the pressure from her parents or me.
I know Danya loves me because of the way she is when we’re together. I have no doubt that I love her and that I’m not going back to my wife. I don’t know if keeping a distance from Danya now is a good idea, because I’m afraid her family will end up convincing her to do what they want. I simply don’t know how to deal with this situation.
Please coach me, Doc.
Davi – who doesn’t know whether he should apply more pressure
doc love’s answer
Hi Davi,
Thanks for the compliment, but I don’t think you actually memorized my materials because if you had, you’d understand that you can’t be trying to date someone when you’re already married. So, in the first place, I have to straighten you out on something. You didn’t “firmly establish” a relationship with Danya. How could you, pal? You have a wife. So you couldn’t and didn’t have anything solid with this woman. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “You’re standing on second base and you forgot to touch first!” In case you haven’t noticed, Davi, you don’t have your divorce papers yet. This relationship you think you have with Danya is really nothing but a big daydream in your own mind. It’s a fantasy and my job is to help you deal with reality.
you’re out of line
Of course Danya’s folks have transformed your life into a living hell. What else would you expect them to do? If your daughter were going out with a married man who has a family, what would you, as a good father or mother, say to her? Wouldn’t you try to stop her from ruining her life? Think about it, guy.
Here’s something else, something a little more sinister. You abused your power as a teacher by hitting on your student. So what do you think that makes you look like to Danya’s family? Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “When you put the moves on the females who are in your class to learn, you’re acting like a sleaze-bucket.” Davi, you’re lucky that Danya’s parents — or the school administration for that matter — haven’t gone after your job for messing around with a student. So now there are two strikes against this so-called relationship.
Doc Love’s advice continues after the jump…
Maybe Danya’s family shouldn’t judge you too harshly. But they know you’re a married man, don’t they? And they know that their daughter was dumped by another guy under similar circumstances, right? Again, dude, what else could you possibly expect from them? So, I disagree with you about their actions here. I say her parents are great people! They’re only doing what any concerned parent would do — and it’s the right thing, too, Davi. To you Psych majors: No decent parent advises his or her kid to get into a relationship with a married man.
they’re looking out for her
Danya’s parents are what I call Blockers. There is no question whatsoever that they’re trying to put a stop to this situation. But they’re really only getting involved to protect their daughter because you’re still a legally committed man, you have a kid, you don’t have your divorce finalized yet, and this thing can never take off because you already have a spouse. But, Davi, you keep rationalizing the significance of the fact that you have a wife. You act like it’s no big deal at all that you’re married — but to Danya’s parents it’s a huge deal, and rightly so. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “Usually when you’re married, it means you can’t be chasing other women.”
You might not have the intention of going back to your ex, Davi, but don’t forget that she’s still not your ex-wife. She’s still very much your wife — in the present.
it’s time to get divorced
How should you deal with this situation? Well, if you want to deal with it, you have to start by divorcing your wife. Until you do, you can’t move forward at all. Chances are that by the time you and your wife settle all outstanding matters in a court of law, Danya will be long gone, probably back to her hometown. And if she’s smart, to a single guy.
Remember, guys: If you’re married and want to date another girl, it’s a waste of time.
To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years Doc Love has asked thousands of women, “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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