February 23, 2012

Channel your inner Greek god (or goddess)

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(Phatforums News / Match.com) --- When it comes to something as important as finding true love, the cleverest among us often turn to the wisdom of the ancients. The Greek gods embody all extremes in human nature, and somewhere amongst the pantheon, you’ll find yourself. According to Dr. Richard Martin, Ph.D., Classics department chair at Stanford University and author of Myths of the Ancient Greeks (2003), “No matter how advanced we think we might be, we still are subject to the same urges and desires, problems and possibilities, that people living in a small-scale society 2,500 years ago experienced — lust, anger, jealousy, ecstasy — it’s all still here, and we have to deal with it. The more we can look back to the stories of the ancients, the more perspective we have on our own problems.” Which Greek god or goddess do you identify with most when it comes to love? Read on, find out, and learn from their mistakes. Aphrodite was the goddess of lust, beauty, and seduction. You might be an Aphrodite if you let your, ahem, carnal side guide your dating life. Aphrodites are alluring, charming and always sought-after by others. Tips for Aphrodite types: Evaluate others on more than just their looks and magnetism. Tune into subtler signs of your mutual compatibility, such as shared laughter and interests. Spend less time primping and more time cultivating the parts of your personality that have nothing to do with physical attractiveness. Balance and complement your alluring looks with your own substantive opinions and unique talents. Athena was the goddess of wisdom and reason. She excelled at strategy, but she was also a goddess who was fully armored for battle. According to Dr. Martin, Athena could be thought of as “too tightly wrapped.” You might be an Athena if you tend to over-think social interactions and prefer to work or read rather than going out. You are a wonderful — if slightly shy — conversationalist who attracts others with your rich intelligence and insight. Someone who appreciates your formidable brain will be well-rewarded. Tips for Athena types: Relax and try to live in the moment. Quiet your mind long enough to have fun and listen to your gut instinct about others. Consider going on group dates that focus on a shared activity instead of just making conversation in order to reveal your fun-loving side. It is there somewhere, right? Dionysus was the god of feasts, parties, and pleasure. He knew how to have a good time and put people at ease with intoxicating beverages and talk. You might be a Dionysus if you love going out in big groups and letting loose at concerts, festivals, and clubs. Those in touch with their inner Dionysus are extroverted, popular, and always having a good time. Others are drawn to their joie de vivre. Tips for Dionysus types: Step away from the crowd — just this once! To find a worthy partner and counterpart to your wild ways, you’ll need all your faculties intact. … [Read more...]

4 signs your partner’s a fitness fanatic

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(Phatforums News / Match.com) --- Being healthy and fit is one thing, but if the gym lover you’ve started to date spends huge chunks of time pumping iron or logging miles run, obsesses over the protein content of every morsel that he or she eats and checks out the mirror every time this person passes one, watch out. Sounds like your partner’s having an affair — with exercise! New York City woman Sara Buckman knows the perils of dating a fitness fanatic. Her fiancé, Chris, is so proud of bulking up and getting in shape that he became a full-time trainer... and she’s got stories to tell: “He even insists on carrying our luggage when we travel, just for extra cardio work, even though it has wheels!” she laughs. So what if your guy or girl has been bitten by the fitness bug? Here are four common symptoms of workout mania and some easy solutions (no heavy lifting required!). Fitness Fanatic Sign #1: He or she has bulked up and is now boring you with all the “shop talk” Is it wrong to wish that guy or girl who once read you love poems would talk about something other than lats, delts, sets and reps? Just like fans can store mountains of mental trivia about their favorite sports players, gym rats might use shocking amounts of brain space to keep track of their latest lifting stats or to calculate their workouts in calories burned per week. “Some guys can go on about their workouts forever,” says Larry Krug, a nutrition expert and personal trainer. “It’s a problem, because they don’t realize that it makes other people uncomfortable,” says Krug — or just plain uninterested in making further conversation, regardless of your date’s gender. Fast Fix: Explain that, as much as you love your partner and are happy about this person’s fitness successes to date, all this statistical talk goes over your head — much like he or she doesn’t understand why you’re always going on about your favorite reality show that your honey refuses to watch. Obviously, your partner won’t have any fun bragging to someone who can’t fully appreciate all this newfound strength. Ask this person to tell you (in laymen’s terms) when he or she accomplishes a new goal and compliment the acheivement appropriately as a way of showing your support. Fitness Fanatic Sign #2: He or she wants to look like a professional athlete Most people probably compare themselves to others seen at the gym or on TV. Anyone who looks at pro-basketball players, for example, is likely going to feel out of shape — but for most, the desire to get buff is tempered naturally enough by reality. In some cases, however, the quest for physical perfection gets out of control. “The ‘Adonis Complex’ is the term we use for men who suffer from a compulsive psychological need to work out,” says Juliet Zuercher, R.D., an expert on compulsive exercise at Arizona’s Remuda Ranch Programs for Anorexia and Bulimia. “They want to be big and muscle-bound, not thin, … [Read more...]

Finding The Light In A Breakup

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(Phatforums News / Tango) --- Breakups are devastating, but good can come out of them, too. After three whole weeks of bus-riding bliss, he told me he didn't want to sit with me anymore. "Good, I want to sit with other people anyway," I'd said in response. I was crushed, and seven years old. Thus began my failed relationship streak. I'm mostly kidding, but it is true I've been broken up with more than once. I like to think it's because I'm a part of the hopeful bunch. Still, even when you're not 100% into it (or the relationship = being school bus buddies), it hurts. Trust me, I know. But, according to Smitten, break-ups come with perks too. Most of the ten are just funny, but my favorite two truths are: "Everyone reminds you of how beautiful, smart, funny, and overall great you are," (case in point) and "You can fall in love again. And you will!" In the gap of time between point A and B, I become the queen of distraction; I like to bombard my schedule with friend dates, weekend getaways, and family time. Doing so forces me to enjoy myself even as my heart aches. Eventually, I've found, the pain stops and the fun continues. Amy Spencer of The Life Optimist even has a list of 10 things all singles must do (in addition to these 36 experiences "every singleton should savor.") I can check off nearly every one—ahem, traveling alone and not coming home at night—but the most important to-do in particular, learning how to take even more care of myself, is and will forever be a work in progress. Until this past December, I've never really understood how people maintain a regular workout routine. Now I get it. It's not about toning up, slimming down, or even staying fit, it's about getting stronger. And I don't mean physically. For as weak as we sometimes feel, we are incredibly resilient creatures. Practicing yoga, taking the stairs, dancing the night away, running towards the sunrise, has taught me that. It feels good to stretch, sweat, and see results, knowing that you did it all for you. Then this goodness spills over into the rest of your day. The magical combination of endorphins and confidence in your abilities makes truly living and loving again a habit. And before you know it, you're better than fine... you're planning for the best Valentine's Day yet with four great friends. … [Read more...]

Women on the upside of post-divorce dating

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(Phatforums News / Match.com) --- For most people, it’s nerve-wracking to get out there and start dating again after a divorce. But if you’re in that situation and need a little encouragement, listen to the lessons these women learned — good ones! — when they stepped out again. You can’t hurry love “I was surprised to learn that, despite beginning to date a month after my divorce, I wasn’t really ready for it just then. The end of my marriage was really rough, and after the divorce, I just didn’t feel confident. Because I felt that way, I didn’t put a lot of effort into dating, and I just had bad date after bad date. It took me at least a year of dating to really feel like I was ready to meet someone again. I never knew I wouldn’t simply be ready to date again once the ink dried on my divorce settlement, but it’s true. Give yourself time to really heal, and things will go much more smoothly.” – Lisa, 42, Philadelphia, PA My “type” changed “I was surprised to find out that a lot of guys I would have totally ignored when I was single the first time around are the ones I now find the most intriguing. It’s amazing how the life experience and maturity a divorce can force upon you can result in your realizing sincere, emotionally available men are the ones who are really worth giving a chance.” – Patti, 39, Aurora, CO Discussing the kids isn’t off-limits “I soon realized that when you’re a divorced dater in your late forties, a lot of first-date conversation revolves around your kids. It’s probably because the topic is just a nice, innocuous commonality you and your date have. I think I imagined that when I was on a date, we’d only discuss ‘adult’ things and leave the kids totally out of it. So, at first I tried to avoid the topic. Now I’m comfortable with the fact that the subject of the kids always comes up, and then trading stories about your kids takes over the conversation for a while. I guess it’s a nice way to sniff out if your date is as into being a parent as you are.” – Bonnie, 45, Jacksonville, FL My expectations are a lot more realistic “When I started dating after my marriage ended, I had a much more realistic perspective on life and love, which was pleasantly surprising to me, as I have always been a hopeless romantic. Even though I’m looking for someone wonderful, I’m no longer looking for fairy tales because I know that they don’t realistically exist. When my seemingly ‘perfect’ marriage ended, it showed me that in life, nothing is perfect — and that sometimes, things that seem great on the surface aren’t. Instead, I’m looking for a great guy who I will love in spite of his flaws and vice versa.” – Juliana, 39, New York, NY You get the chance to make better choices “I was surprised to find out how much less desperate I felt after my divorce. When I was first dating, I used to be so eager to meet someone that I would keep dating … [Read more...]

Chuck your dating checklist

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(Phatforums News / Match.com) --- For many of my single years, I had a lengthy checklist of what my dream guy should be like: tall, sophisticated, would sweep me off my feet by reciting lines from Walt Whitman. A natural philosopher and die-hard romantic, my husband-to-be would enjoy deep conversations about the meaning of life while gazing at me with those piercing brown eyes. (It’s not like I’m picky or anything...) So I went out and — though you may find this hard to believe — without too much trouble, found a few guys who made good on 99 percent of these criteria. And my brain said, “Yes, this is the right kind of guy for you: Your spiritual and intellectual equal,” but, at a gut level, something wasn’t quite right. One guy I dated was a brilliant theologian on his way to a tenured position as a professor at an Ivy League school. Yet the simple task of grocery shopping took him hours because he couldn’t decide which brand of peanut butter to buy. Another guy I saw composed exquisite poetry, but was a nightmare at social functions since he’d sidestep the small talk and immediately launch into a dissertation on Dante’s The Divine Comedy. My relationships with these men didn’t lead to marriage, but I didn’t give up. My checklist was always in my mind’s eye when I sized guys up. I reasoned that I simply hadn’t found the right romantic, well-read intellectual. He was out there, and when I finally met him, our relationship would be electric. Then I met Eric. “Oops,” Eric said to me the first time I met him, looking down at his fly, which was open. “Looks like the horse is out of the barn.” I laughed, and we talked some more, but I wasn’t exactly dying to give him my number. After all, Eric had graduated from a mediocre college in Indiana. His clothes were wrinkled. Sophisticated? Hardly. Even so, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go out with him a few times and have some fun while scouting out the real deal. Months passed, and Eric and I kept going out. I was conflicted all the way; my checklist was still there, waiting for me to get real and move on. Just about every time we got together, Eric would say something that would remind me of the gulf between us. Like the day I told him I had always dreamed of hiking the Himalayas. This was met with an eyebrow furrow and a “Why would you want to go anywhere without good water pressure and dependable toilets?” Or, the day I nervously took him to meet my very religious mom. I’d prepped him for this, but he promptly informed her that “holy was out; happy was in.” Spiritual enrichment, or any type of enrichment for that matter, did not exist in his world. He’d rather practice his golf swing than ruminate about the meaning of life. Why was I wasting my time with someone who was so obviously not my ideal? The why only became clear to me as I spent time with a good friend who’d found a guy who — check, check, check — had just about everything … [Read more...]

Strange but fun dates

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(Phatforums News / Match.com) --- Bored with your usual dating routine of coffee, rent a movie, rinse and repeat? Try these unconventional ideas instead. Weird Date #1: Renaissance Fair Why your date might freak: The question is, why a date wouldn’t freak. “Having been raised by two Shakespeare professors, I screamed in horror when my boyfriend showed up with two tickets,” admits Amy Kaye of Morristown, NJ. “‘Only nerds do that!’ I pleaded. But he said it would be fun and he’d heard good things about all the roast turkey drumsticks and the beer. I dug up a poufy shirt and joined him.” Why it’ll end up being fun: So it’s not cool. Who cares? Seeing people dressed in armor, bustiers, and jester’s suits will get you two laughing more than any swanky ultralounge. “We weren’t even laughing at the jugglers and people talking in fake English accents, we were genuinely having fun,” Amy says. “We did have a great moment when, halfway through the day, my boyfriend kind of stared at the people around us in their leather armor and XL-sized bustiers. ‘Wait a minute,’ he said. ‘Aren’t these the people I make fun of?’ I laughed and told him, ‘Yep — and now we’re just like them!’” Weird Date #2: Ethiopian Restaurant Why your date might freak: Anyone who’s seen the movie Along Came Polly has been duly warned: This cuisine — piles of spicy fare that you eat without silverware — is hardly for the faint of heart. “When I got my order I discovered that I really, truly hate Ethiopian food,” says Matt Christensen of Queens, NY. “I stuffed myself on the spongy bread while she enjoyed her dinner.” Why it’ll end up being fun: You may go home hungry, but being adventurous is a heckuva lot more memorable than grabbing your usual chow. “It was a relief to realize that my girlfriend didn’t care whether I liked the same food as she did, she was happy that I was there, trying something new,” says Matt. Weird Date #3: Tango Lessons Why your date might freak: Dancing is many a guy’s nightmare. “I haven’t danced in public since I appeared in the musical Annie in grade school,” recalls David Garfield of Rockville, MD. “So when my girlfriend asked me to take tango lessons as a birthday gift to her, I very reluctantly agreed.” Why it’ll end up being fun: Let’s face it... dancing, even badly, with someone you care about is an incredibly intimate experience. And trust us, you won’t be the only one there with two left feet. “We showed up at the studio and I was expecting to feel like a total schlub, but it wound up to be a small group of beginners,” says David. “Besides the low-key company, I found myself really getting into the music and remembering how fun it was back when I did think I had rhythm! I never made it onto a dance floor outside of that room, but it felt great to listen to cool music and know that I could dance... if I ever wanted to.” Weird Date … [Read more...]

First kisses: the new rules

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(Phatforums News / Match.com) --- Your lips touch for the first time and the earth moves. The angels sing...or, at least, that’s what you hope will happen, right? The reality is, anticipating that first smooch can be one of the most exciting and nerve-wracking moments in your dating life. So much hangs in the balance: Will your date like how you kiss? Will there be chemistry? Does this person even want to lock lips with you in the first place? As a relationship educator, I’ve helped thousands of singles and couples navigate this tricky first-kiss terrain. And don’t worry, there are many ways to pull it off with ease while letting your date know there’s plenty more where that came from. Here’s how: Secret #1: Time it right The most common question I get about first kisses is this: When should I do the deed? An understandable concern. No one wants to make the move too soon and get the dreaded cheek-turn, and yet, if you wait too long it sends the vibe that you’re not interested or that you lack confidence. So when should you dive in? Most women I’ve spoken to say it should happen on the first or second date — provided you don’t wait until that very end when you’re standing in her doorway. That’s too predictable, awkward and likely to be framed by those “Umm, I had a really good time…” comments. Instead, go for something sexier and more spontaneous. Says Missy Barcic, of New Vernon, NJ: “A first kiss has to have something that’s dynamic to it. Surprise me, catch me off-guard. That’s passion.” And creative, which earns bonus points, too. Women have told me about incredible kisses happening on the way into a restaurant (getting it out of the way early), across a dinner table, in a movie theater (during the opening credits), or just walking down the street, when the guy “noticed” that there was a romantic full moon overhead. Secret #2: Guys and girls can take the lead Some people think that a guy has the responsibility to initiate a first kiss. But what I’ve heard over and over again from men is this: They love, love, love it when a woman makes the first move. “My best first kiss was when my now-girlfriend just went for it. We were standing in the kitchen, getting ready to go out, and all of a sudden she just pushed me against the wall and we sort of melted into each other,” recalls Tao Nguyen of Washington, D.C. Guys love knowing that they’re wanted, so go ahead, girls, give him a break and go for it. One woman I interviewed did this with fabulous results. “After our third date, we stayed up talking until 4 a.m. and still no kiss!” she says. “So at the very beginning of our fourth date, I walked into his apartment and instead of saying, hello, I kissed him — and we wound up making out for hours. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t given him that first kiss if we’d even be together today. He assures me that he would have gotten around to it, but I am glad that I took charge. It gave me … [Read more...]

Real men talk about guys’ night out

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(Phatforums News / Match.com) --- Let’s admit it: When men get together for some bonding time, it isn’t always pretty. When women aren’t around to keep us in check, the conversation can, well, devolve a few thousand years. Raunchy jokes, gripes about the girls we’re seeing, and furtive exclamations of “Dude, check her out!” abound. But what I’m here to say is, one hour of eavesdropping on these clandestine conversations will give you more insight into the male mind than a semester’s worth of cramming at the “relationships” section of Barnes & Noble. So, at the risk of being branded a traitor to my brothers, I’m going to break the code of silence. I invited three of my single buddies to a night out in New York, bought a few rounds, and got them talking about women they’ve dated, who they’d like to date (many of whom were right in front of us), and women that, to be honest, make us want to run in the opposite direction. Listen and learn, ladies. The guys: Brendan, 24, freelance illustrator Beecher, 25, art manager Joe, 25, art director Q: So guys, in an ideal world, what do you hope will happen tonight? Beecher: Nothing specific. Eighty percent of the time, I’m just here to hang out, 10 percent of the time I’m actively looking to snag a woman, and then the other 10 percent of the time, I’m here just to flirt. You know — keep my game strong. Joe: Yeah, because you’ve got so much game. Beecher: Stop teasing me, man! Brendan: My goal is to kick everyone’s butt in that video game, Deer Hunter. Otherwise, I want to relax. As for women, if I meet one who’s worth the effort, great. If not, no big deal. Q: Which women in the room catch your eye, and why? Joe: The short brunette to my left. She had the good taste to check me out when I came in; I watched her look me up and down. Pretty face, OK body. I like a girl who isn’t super-attractive — it’s less intimidating that way. Brendan: I like the same girl who caught Joe’s eye because she has a crook in her nose. I like large noses — maybe because I have one, too. I suppose it may stem from some deep desire to fall in love with someone like myself. Beecher: The same girl and her friend caught my eye. I’m guessing neither of them is taken, since they’re sizing up all the guys in the room... including Joe. But on further review, those chicks are not my type. Neither of them is as cute as the brunette with the pink scarf over there. She has curves, and I love curves. Q: Does the way a woman dresses matter to you? Beecher: It has to do with how she carries herself. She could dress preppy as long as she looks comfortable. On the flip side, she could dress like a hipster and seem more concerned with how she looks — and that’s a turn-off. Joe: Exactly. It’s not the clothes — it’s the attitude. She just has to have her own style. Besides, if she’s wearing a $100,000 outfit, I’d have no idea. Brendan: I don’t … [Read more...]

First date foods to avoid

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(Phatforums News / Match.com) --- Oscar Wilde once said, “It is a very poor consolation to be told that the man who has given one a bad dinner or poor wine is irreproachable in private life. Even cardinal virtues cannot atone for half-cold entrees.” But riddle me this, Oscar: Can cardinal virtues atone for, say, garlic breath on a first date? You don’t have to be a Wilde-esque literary genius to recognize that it’s a turn-off to watch (or smell) your date getting splattered with his or her food during your initial get-together. Nobody likes to see a guy digging into his mouth to loosen a spinach leaf or a girl begging for a wet-nap after a plate full of baby back ribs; it just isn’t dignified. If you want to maintain your dignity – or, at the very least, exponentially increase your chances for a goodnight kiss – here are a few foodstuffs to avoid during those first few dates: Spinach This leafy superfood is the king of all stick-in-your-teeth veggies. I defy you to eat it without getting a hunk wedged in your molars. The bummer is that spinach is totally yummy and healthy for you. Sigh… Lobster Do you really want to wear a bib on your first date? If that doesn’t faze you, maybe the thought of accidentally squirting lemon juice in your date’s eye will give you pause. Anything loaded with Thai chili peppers This one requires an anecdote to explain adequately. Many years ago, I went to a bachelor party where the first stop was a local Thai place. One of the groom’s coworkers insisted on eating a chili pepper from his spicy chicken. He plucked the pepper up with his hands, shoved it into his mouth, and took a big bite. Three seconds later, his face turned bright red and he started coughing uncontrollably. So why take a chance? After all, it’s virtually impossible to kiss someone when your mouth feels as though it’s on fire. Beans After all, they are the musical fruit. Ribs Let’s face it: no matter how awesome your outfit may be or how excellent your hair looks, you can’t come off as an ideal date with a face covered in barbecue sauce and a row of teeth filled with bits of half-gnawed meat. Crab legs/soft-shelled crab Same basic principle as both ribs and lobster as noted above, except sans BBQ sauce. Onion soup A few spoonfuls of this stuff, and your sweat will smell like Georgia Vidalias. Guys with facial hair should fear the cheese that usually gets melted on the top more than anything, though. Corn on the cob Like spinach, this stuff gets lodged in your teeth; like crab and ribs, you can’t help but look semi-undignified when you eat it. This, my friends, is what we call the worst of both worlds. (Note: Corn on the cob is often found on the menu at barbecue joints. I hope this doesn’t raise the dander of the National Pork Board, but you probably shouldn’t eat ribs and their accoutrements until at least date number five.) Alan Goldsher is a Chicago-based writer, advice columnist, … [Read more...]

What girls’ night out is really like

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(Phatforums News / Match.com) --- Hey, guys: You know those Friday nights when you’re out and you see a table of cute girls giggling in the corner? Ever wonder what those women are talking about — men they’re dating, guys nearby who’ve caught their eye, maybe even a comment or two about you? Well, guess what: They really are discussing all of the above (in gory detail, we might add). So, we thought we’d give you a peek at this privileged conversation, since some of the things women talk about might make you more of a catch the next time you’re out. To do that, I invited a bunch of my single gal-pals to join me at a New York hotspot on a Friday night. Come eavesdrop and understand what women are really talking about. The girls: Trang, 33, writer Tracy, 29, art director Elaine, 32, producer Katrina, 34, fashion designer Stephanie, 36, photo editor Q: So which guys around here catch your eye, and why? Stephanie: I like the one in the blue shirt. He’s just been talking to his friend and laughing a lot. He looks nice. He’s boyfriend material. Trang: The guy in white is better looking but has been looking around the room too much, like he’s checking out the place for girls. He looks like a player. Stephanie: I agree! The guy in white is the hottest guy in the room, but I don’t like to date the hottest guy in the room. That’s the kind of guy who makes you fight to be the Thursday night girl and not just the Tuesday night girl. Katrina: When I was younger, I cared about looks more. But I just got out of an 11-year relationship, and now, I know better. Guys who aren’t that hot can actually be better boyfriends. Tracy: The least attractive guy I ever dated was the best in bed. Q: Are you more open to meeting guys who are alone or in a group? Trang: I get intimidated by a loud pack of men. I’ll never approach them. Elaine: But I think a guy alone somewhere on a Friday is a little freaky. Like, where are his friends? Why is he lingering here alone instead of at home? Katrina: I like to see a guy alone. It shows he’s confident and will probably be into talking to me. Stephanie: But if he’s with a girl, I’d never talk to him. I automatically assume they’re together. Katrina: If a guy is with a female friend of his, when she gets up to go to the bathroom, he should totally look around and show that he’s open and available. Q: What are the worst pick-up lines you’ve ever heard from a man? Stephanie: This guy the other night came up to us and was like, “Hey, you girls are cute, will you two make out for me?” They say stuff like that because they think it’s funny, but it’s not. Trang: I had a guy say, “You owe me a piece of gum.” I asked why and he said, “Because when I saw you, the gum fell out of my mouth.” He was like, “I know you think that’s dumb, but I just had to say it.” Elaine: I hate when guys say, “I know you think it’s dumb, but...” … [Read more...]