Let’s face it, we depend on each other for certain needs, without you we have no hot meals, and without us, you have loads and loads of firewood that sits unchopped. But we pure, straight hate each other. We have to, otherwise why would dating and sex be a constant spy vs. spy style battle of trickery and duplicity? I tried to realize why women hate men, and that’s easy: We have scads of confidence, we don’t have periods or emotions, we can look like shit all the time and still be desired, and we can grow beards, which are worn by everyone sweet from Abraham Lincoln to God. Very understandable, if I had a pair of wildly unstable ovaries, I’d be pissed at the pure perfection of balls. But ladies, we have some gripes with you too, and they are as follows:
You use sex as a weapon – This is a terrible thing to do. You know that your genitalia can get you anything on Earth you desire, and so you use your nefarious vaginas for evil instead of good. You could easily be banging Kim Jong-il and bringing peace to the world, but instead you’re just tricking me into buying you sushi in exchange for sex. I hope you’re happy, fucking fascists.
You keep secrets like the Iraq keeps WMD’s – Women can never be trusted with secrets. I’m sorry if some of you liars out there are offended by this sentiment, but it’s a matter of scientific fact. I’d tell you which scientist made these findings, but then you’d just have his wife withhold sex from him until he agreed to tow the line. You’re despicable.
This logo is the intellectual property of Al Bundy.
You don’t want help at all – Oh sure, you’ll go on about your trials and tribulations through the entire episode of Ninja Warrior, but every solution seems to be met with a “IIIII dunnoooo.” We are men, we solve problems. Too many trees? We’ll cut them the fuck down. Is there a pesky species of animal? We’ll have ‘em extinct before McDonald’s stops serving breakfast. But we can’t just stand idly by and do nothing. Fill in the blank. ____ of action. That’s right, MAN.
Everything you do is the exact opposite of everything we do. We wear loose shirts and you come along with tank tops. So we wear fitted shirts, and so you come back with maternity dresses masquerading as “empire waist” blouses. We try and wear the occasional lipstick to accentuate our cheek bones, and that makes us “weird,” but you can wear more kohl on your eyes than a whole Jordanian harem and we’re supposed to be thrilled. We like golden retrievers, so you buy dogs that are the size and fun level of a hot pocket. We take pride in using as much gas as humanly possible, you think that Priuses are cute. You people make me sick.
Handjobs – No one has ever once in the history of time enjoyed a handjob. They were invented by Mormons to discourage circumcisions in the 1920’s, everyone knows that. It’s like having someone brush your teeth, no one knows that terrain better than you do. So why have someone awkwardly fuck around for fifteen minutes trying to work your crank shaft when you could have fired one out on your own and have downloaded two episodes of Heroes in the same amount of time? There’s not enough lotion in the world to avoid the chafing of the soul brought on by beating your fists against a penis.
Listen, we may hate each other, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find ways to get along, my family’s been doing it for generations with no problems. It’s all in the magic of a little game called “compromise”. For example, instead of giving out handies, which are the sex equivalent candy corn on Halloween, give us some oral sex, and we’ll give you some oral sex. This way everyone goes home having ruined a perfectly good pair of sheets.
When you have problems, instead of bugging us while we’re unwinding from a long day of bullfighting and curing diseases with man-science, you could just write your problems down and then set them on fire, and we’ll never speak of them again. But we will rub your feet. Instead of trying in vain to convince yourself that you don’t need daily if not hourly doses of vitamin cock, you could give in and let us have our ways with you. As long as we’re not premature ejaculators, you will probably get something out of it too.
I know it’s tough to see common ground sometimes, but I guarantee you we’re the same on the inside. Actually, it’s physiologically irresponsible for me to spread that lie, but we’re forced into this situation together, and you lack the gumption to be a lesbian, so let’s just try and realize that what we really hate about each other is that life just isn’t as good without the other one in it.
Community Review