Phatforums-Blog

by Rich Maloof for MSN Health & Fitness

Flip open a magazine, turn on the television or surf the Web, and within seconds you’ll encounter imagery designed to raise the mercury in your thermometer. Sex is used to sell everything from motor oil to phone books, and fashion trends unravel evermore threads of women’s clothing.

One of the first realities to be aware of is that Madison Avenue is probably more sex crazed than you are. A man’s libido may simply not be able to keep pace with the onslaught of innuendo in advertising, and recognizing this may actually provide some relief. Nonetheless, sex can be incredibly preoccupying. If sexual energy could be rerouted to another part of the brain, the average guy would probably be able to understand metaphysics and solve the square root of pi.

But what is “enough” sex? Should a man of any age worry if his sexual engine slips from fifth gear into neutral?

“Libido is often thought of as a single-person event, but it’s really a couple-related phenomenon,” says Dr. Harry Fisch, a leading New York urologist and author of The Male Biological Clock. “Someone who’s older and having sex once a month might not complain about not having enough sex. But the person who might complain is the wife or girlfriend. It’s a relationship, and it takes two.”

Diagnosing the Dip

If you and your partner do suspect that your libido is not all it could or should be, a low testosterone level is the likely culprit. Testosterone is the hormone most responsible for male characteristics such as muscle development and facial hair as well as aggression, competitiveness and sexual drive.

It’s common and natural for testosterone levels to drop by 1 percent to 2 percent every year beginning at age 30. The dwindling supply of male sex hormones, or androgens, is known as andropause, a kind of equal-opportunity name for male menopause. Or, as Dr. Fisch calls, it, menoporsche. “I call it ‘menoporsche’ because I’ve seen guys who think buying a hot new car like a Porsche will give them a shot of sex appeal or attractiveness,” he laughs, “when in fact they’d be much better off getting their testosterone level checked.”

Some men produce low levels of testosterone even before the age of 30. Regardless of age, one result of this condition, known as hypogonadism, is decreased libido. The condition is treatable. Testosterone replacement therapies introduce more of the hormone to a body that could not supply enough on its own. Another method is anti-estrogen therapy: Just as women have small amounts of testosterone, men have small amounts of the female hormone, estrogen. Anti-estrogen therapy helps re-establish an appropriate balance. Of course, all such options should be discussed with a qualified urologist, since there are risks and side effects.

The best option, however, is to get the body to produce more testosterone on its own. Before you even consider medical alternatives, there are several avenues to explore. And the first thing you can do is …

The Last Thing You Want to Hear

That’s right, diet and exercise. In case you missed the memo—or didn’t catch the underlying message in every health article you’ve ever read—here it is again: A healthy diet and regular exercise can change your life for the better in countless ways, including a boost to your sex drive. However, there are a few surprises.

Body fat is an opponent of libido in two ways: It inhibits testosterone production, and it breaks down testosterone already in the system. The male hormone and all its characteristics, including libido, disappear into fat cells. And here you were worried that your extra poundage was going to turn her off. It’s turning you off, too.

This is especially true of fat around the abdomen, because belly fat absorbs testosterone more efficiently than any other fat cells in the body. To raise libido, the challenge is not so much to reduce weight as to reduce waist size. It’s a pretty safe bet than a man with a beer belly or a “Buddha” belly has lower testosterone levels and therefore lower libido. Buddha himself probably had low libido. Look how enlightened he was.

Head Space

The male population has a reputation for always being in the mood, but in truth, men’s sex drive is deeply entangled with state of mind. In fact, any man coping with depression should have his testosterone levels checked.

Psychology professor Charles Hill, of Whittier College in California, further explains that “depression can reduce libido, along with interest in other areas of life. So can anxiety. Concern about work and other pressures can crowd out interest in sex. Any source of stress, really, can reduce libido.” A quick-fix prescription won’t necessarily correct the problem, either. Anti-depressants, it has been widely noted, can suppress libido. Alcohol, which many people abuse in a form of self-medication, will also diminish drive.

The cruel twist for some men is that sex is actually the source of the stress. With premature ejaculation as the most common sexual dysfunction, many men simply shut themselves down. “Prior failures in attempts to perform sexually or to create relationships can create performance anxiety, which sabotages future efforts [to have sex],” says Hill. “Prior sexual abuse can also cause problems. A psychologist can help address these issues.”

You may already suspect that psychological baggage is weighing on your libido. To have a healthy and happy sex life, it may be crucial to get your mental space in order. You have to clean out the garage before you can pull the car in.

Down on the Upside

Viagra is probably the most celebrated drug since the polio vaccine, underscoring that we’re as concerned about sex today as people 50 years ago were about walking. But it’s important to note here that drugs for erectile dysfunction (ED) do not do anything for libido. The ability to have an erection is a distinct issue from the desire to have one. ED drugs are successful in overcoming psychological issues but they work poorly for men who have low testosterone.

With body and mind in good working order, a man should be able to get a rise out of life at any age. As Dr. Fisch concludes, “Men who maintain their health can have the desire for sex until the day they die.”

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LOS ANGELES — As if ecommerce website operators don’t have enough to worry about, it appears that the so-called swine flu pandemic may affect cyberspace as much as it impacts the real world.

A new report by the Government Accountability Office warns that increasing usage of the Internet by workers seeking to telecommute rather than risk contracting H1N1 in the office; as well as students and others — including those seeking information on the disease and local inoculation information — could bring the Internet to a crawl, especially as the rate of infection rises.

Citing a study by the Department of Homeland Security which focuses on the ability of workers within the financial and securities sectors to function remotely in the wake of a widespread H1N1 bio-emergency, the GAO report states that “Increased demand during a severe pandemic could exceed the capacities of Internet providers’ access networks for residential users and interfere with teleworkers in the securities market and other sectors.”

According to the GAO, it was asked to examine a pandemic’s impact on Internet congestion and what actions can be and are being taken to address it, the adequacy of securities market organizations’ pandemic plans, and the Securities and Exchange Commission’s (SEC) oversight of these efforts.

To address the situation, some analysts believe that government intervention may be required, and that Internet Service Providers may need to limit access to their networks, such as by prohibiting visits to streaming video transmission sites like YouTube, or access to adult video networks.

“Private Internet providers have limited ability to prioritize traffic or take other actions that could assist critical teleworkers,” the report states. “Some actions, such as reducing customers’ transmission speeds or blocking popular [websites], could negatively impact ecommerce and require government authorization.”

DHS has reportedly not yet developed a strategy to address potential Internet congestion or worked with federal partners to ensure that sufficient authorities to act exist. The report also found that DHS has not assessed the feasibility of conducting a campaign to obtain public cooperation to reduce nonessential Internet use to relieve congestion, nor begun coordinating with other federal and private sector entities to assess actions that could be taken or determine what authorities may be needed to act.

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Sex Scenes Make Treacherous Terrain for Actors
Oct. 20, 2009, 5:09 PM EST

By Gina Piccalo
TheWrap.com

Evan Handler has pretended to have sex with lots of women. His wife, Elisa Atti, knows all about it.

Before the 48-year-old regular on Showtime’s edgy comedy series “Californication” gets busy on-screen, Atti runs lines with him. And when the torrid scenes featuring Handler, best known as Charlotte’s bald husband on HBO’s “Sex and the City,” are broadcast, Atti often snuggles up with him to watch.

But there’s one thing the couple rarely does together: talk about the fake sex on the day Handler actually has it.

“That would seem particularly provocative,” Handler says.

Diane Farr spent 13 episodes on FX’s wry firefighter drama “Rescue Me” having a steamy affair with a man she described to her husband as super hot: actor Daniel Sunjata.

But, just as she did when she nibbled the ear of a co-star on CBS’ crime series “NUMB3RS,” Farr followed a self-imposed rule: If feigning lust inspires the real thing, save the sizzle for later.

On The Wrap: Sex on the Set, Part 2: How Fake Is It, Really? | 12 Sexiest Scenes of All Time | Showtime Sexes Up More ‘Californication’

“You have to make sure that when that button is pushed,” Farr says, “you bring home the response.”

Or else. For actors in committed relationships, love scenes can be the craft’s most treacherous terrain. It doesn’t matter that the heavy breathing summoned by the word “Action!” is often awkward and humiliating to perform, what with dozens of crew members on the set, counting down to lunch break.

Sex scenes still can hammer away at a couple’s sense of trust, revealing old fissures and making room for more.

Think of a humid greenhouse, which fools plants into pumping out the plumpest, juiciest tomatoes.

That’s what film and TV sets can do to emotions. Actors often work 20-hour days, sometimes far from home, fending off boredom between takes by trading intimacies.

The bonds that form may be fleeting, but they’re intense.

“It’s kind of like if you go to war with somebody,” says actor Scott Conte, a visiting assistant professor at UCLA’s School of Theater, Film and Television.

“I’ve done one-day shoots where I’ve gotten to know the person in a more intimate way than some acquaintances I’ve had in my life because you’re asked to show all these emotions in such a short amount of time. It almost makes you feel like you’re further along in the relationships than you actually are.”

The better the actor, the more convincing the sex scene — and the more potentially wrenching for the actor’s mate. No wonder so many couples devise rituals – some subtle, others more concrete — that they hope will ease the pain.

Where there’s smoke, yes, there’s often a spark. But that doesn’t mean you have to burn the house down. Thus: ground rules.

Actor Michael B. Silver, whose many credits include recent episodes of the series “Heroes” and “Brothers & Sisters,” fell in love with Katie Mitchell in an acting class after the two did a sex scene from 1977 film “Looking for Mister Goodbar”; they later married. So they know better than most that when you engage your libido in the service of drama, you sometimes can’t unring that bell.

For that reason, Mitchell and Silver have always been careful about how they talk with each other about their love scenes.

Even scripted passion can stoke real chemistry, they say. You’d have to be dead not to react.

Still, discretion is key. Silver might mention whether his co-star was flirty or shut-down, but he skips the gory details. Mitchell returns the favor.

“We both know it’s not natural to be in bed with somebody or to kiss somebody for months where the whole thing is you’re in love and then turn it off when you leave the rehearsal hall,” says Mitchell, whose credits include TV series “Criminal Minds” and “Bones.”

“It’s not natural. And yet, you can do it. Ultimately the technique is more about ethics. If I do get turned on by someone while I’m kissing them, [I know] that’s all it was. And then I just walk away.”

Of course, there are those — some of them A-listers — who didn’t just walk away. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt infamously ignited their romance on the set of the sexy action film “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”; (while Pitt was still married to Jennifer Aniston). Richard Burton met then-married Elizabeth Taylor on “Cleopatra.” Katharine Hepburn met then-married Spencer Tracy on “Woman of the Year.”

David Duchovny, who plays a sex-addled novelist in “Californication” checked himself into rehab for sex addiction and separated from his wife, actress Téa Leoni, after the show’s second season.

Asked about performing sex scenes recently, Duchovny (who has since reconciled with Leoni) told reporters: “You punch in the clock, you go in to work, and you’re playing a character. Personally, I’m not somebody that takes it home.”

Maybe that was the problem.

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BEIJING — Chinese authorities have banned 1,414 works of online literature, saying all of it was deemed obscene.

Official news agency Xinhua said that the banned works either “included pornographic content,” “used provocative or privacy-violating titles to draw attention” or “blatantly talked about one-night stands, wife swapping, sex abuses and violence that disregarded common decency.”

The ban, authorized by the General Administration of Press and Publication and decided by 50 “experts,” affects about 30,000 links, Xinhua said.

That agency, according to Xinhua, also plans to establish laws and regulations on the publishing of literature online

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Meggan Mallone

Age: 22
Height: 5’8″
Weight: 120 lbs.
Hair color: Brown

Meggan Mallone is a Texas beauty of Cherokee extraction. She became a Vivid Girl in 2008 at the age of 21.

Meggan is an outgoing, gorgeous green-eyed brunette who is 5’8′ tall with a slender and athletic body. Once a cheerleader at Houston’s Lamar High School, she parlayed her all-American good looks into assignments as a mainstream fashion model in Houston before she decided to visit L.A. Shortly after she arrived in California she was invited to pose for glamor photographers such as Steven Hicks and Earl Miller. She met her agent John Stevens at that time and he showed her photos to Vivid director B. Skow. Vivid immediately offered her an exclusive contract with the company.

Meggan’s mother is a full-blooded Cherokee from Oklahoma, who gave her the Indian name “Moonstar.” Meggan says her Irish-German father, who died when she was 18, instilled in her a strong work ethic and taught her to make her own decisions.

Meggan had a pretty normal childhood, which included church on Sundays and frequent Girl Scout outings. In addition to being a high school cheerleader she competedon the swim team, was a member of the French Club and worked on the school student-run TV news channel as a producer and on-air reporter.

“My friends say that I’m bubbly and animated and I think they’re right,” says Meggan. “I have a lot of energy and love sports and definitely have a positive attitude towards life. I’mcertainly excited about being a Vivid Girl and hope to break some of the stereotypes people have about adult stars. I can only say, watch out world, I’m coming!” The multi-talented actress once had dreams of being a famous ice skater and now asa Vivid Girl she jokes, “Maybe I could be the first nude, ice skating star in the adult industry.”

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Talk about taking one for the team.

Police say that Susan Finkelstein was so desperate to see her beloved Philadelphia Phillies in the World Series that she offered to exchange sex for tickets.

Finkelstein described herself in an ad on Craiglist as a “diehard Phillies fan — gorgeous tall buxom blonde — in desperate need of two World Series Tickets.”

Police found the ad and set up a meeting between her and an undercover officer. At that point Finkelstein allegedly “offered to perform sex acts” for seats to a game.

The 43-year-old woman was arrested Tuesday and charged with prostitution, among other offenses.

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Statistics show that 60% of women admit to masturbating. Notice I wrote, “admit?” That’s because statistics are about as believable as OJ on the stand. But for the sake of stats, here goes: 20% of women under 30 years of age masturbate once a week, and 7% do it every other day. As well, females, on average, begin masturbating at about 14 or 15 years old.

So why don’t all women masturbate? Simply put, they don’t have to. For the most part, women can basically bed a man as quickly and easily as Roseanne can gobble down a tub of Haagen Dazs. Albeit, the less attractive women will have to lower their standards, but penises have been offered to all women from the moment they hit adolescence.

Guys, on the other hand, have to spend the majority of their lives pursuing women and trying to score sex, therefore masturbation becomes somewhat necessary for survival. So one would think that masturbation for women is optional, and not necessary. But is it? Perhaps if more women took the time to explore their own bodies, they’d discover their sexual likes and dislikes and be able to achieve orgasm more easily.
tiptoe through the two lips
There are a multitude of reasons why women masturbate. The following are the most popular:

Lonely
Sometimes women come out of a relationship and because they refuse to just delve into sex with just anyone, they resort to feeding their slot in solitaire. After having gotten sex at will from their boyfriends, it’s difficult to accept that they’re going to have to wait to find yet another “Mr. Right” before they can have an orgasm again.

Excitement
A stirring of the senses or the mind may cause a woman’s hand to venture down to the cave every so often. Whether it be a Harlequin romance novel, watching (or hearing) the neighbors go at it from across the way, or reminiscing about the aggressive sex the two of you had a couple of nights ago, an excited woman may opt to satisfy her animalistic sexual urges right away.

Insecure
Some women begin to masturbate because they feel that they’re too overweight or unattractive to be touched by a man. Because they feel “unsexy,” they resort to having sex with themselves rather than sharing themselves with a man.

Plain Horny
Some women become so excited for the smallest reasons or simply think about sex so often, that they feel the need to constantly let their hands complete the job that their minds initiate. The kind of woman who knows exactly how to get herself off and does so whenever she feels like petting the petunia.

Not Satisfied
Some women end up in relationships in which their men either finish up after three strokes (hence the three-pump chump) or worse yet, their men don’t even care if they reach satisfaction. That, or these women can’t find it in themselves to release their sexual inhibitions completely, so they rush off to the washroom after sex and satisfy themselves.

They’re The Best
There are women that are unable to achieve orgasm any other way besides through masturbation. Because they feel that they’re the only ones who really know which spots to hit and at which rate of aggression and velocity, they resort to masturbation in order to attain sexual satisfaction.

So which gadgets do they use when they play with themselves?

how do they do that?
There are plenty of means with which women can satisfy themselves. Needless to say, although women can attain sexual satisfaction via these methods, I personally believe that there is nothing more satisfying than the touch of a loving man’s hand (among other wonderful things they touch us with).

Obviously women do more than just stimulate their clitorises and vaginas. They also play with their breasts and nipples (the lucky ones can suck on them too), rub their bodies while fantasizing that their ideal man is doing it, or they may even stimulate their anuses. But because I’m not writing a novel, I will mainly refer to the different ways a woman pleasures her vagina and clitoris.

Wo-manually
Lots of women need nothing more than a vivid imagination and the use of their own hands. Most orgasms that develop by way of manual masturbation are clitoral and not vaginal. Although they are possible to achieve, G-spot orgasms are unlikely to come (literally) through this method.

Household Appliances et al.
Yup, believe it or not, some women use the handles of hair brushes, phallic-shaped vegetables, Coke bottles, and the like to get off. Why? They’re either too embarrassed to purchase the adequate toys, or they live with someone (family, roommate, lover) and are paranoid about having any sexual appliances in the house.

Dildos
Those penis-shaped gadgets, some of which are exact replicas of real penises, come in quite handy for women who like to achieve G-spot orgasms, or are multi-talented and can penetrate themselves with the object whilst stimulating their clitorises. That way, they can ensure mind-blowing results.

Vibrators
Anything that vibrates whether it be actual vibrators, personal massagers (a fluffy name for vibrators) or the washing machine on spin cycle (a gadget originally created to help women attain orgasm, but ultimately became popularized for its ability to launder clothes), women use these appliances to climax whenever the need arises. Also used by women who have a very difficult time achieving orgasm.

Showerhead
That’s right gentlemen, keep an eye out for those removable showerheads in her washroom, she’s doing a little more than just “rinsing thoroughly.” Many women love those showerheads simply because after they’ve finished beating around the bush, voilà, they’re already clean. The feeling of the water’s speed hitting the clitoris provides quite a stimulating feeling.
getting to know me
So long as it doesn’t become an obsession, masturbation is a very healthy thing for all women and it helps them get to know what they enjoy, and what spots men must hit if they want to stimulate their bodies.

As well, it’s quite evident that most women who have masturbated are more comfortable with their bodies, and with letting their men know what satisfies and gratifies them. It’s not about replacing men, and if you find out that your woman masturbates, don’t ever condemn her for it, nor should you feel insecure.

Rather, encourage her to do it for you in the midst of foreplay. Although some women feel that masturbation is a very personal experience, others will gladly show you how they get themselves off. And if you’re an attentive learner, maybe she’ll let you lick up the results.
what if she doesn’t?
If your woman is not the kind to play with herself, then why don’t you encourage her to do so? Or better yet, the next time you’re using your fingers or penis to penetrate her, take her hand and use her fingers to rub her clitoris with them.

Another thing you can do, is just leave your hand on her vagina and tell her to use your hand to stimulate herself. That way, you’ll get a great session of show-and-tell and she’ll be quite excited by your creativity.

Or, perhaps you can suggest playing a game in which you both stay about a meter away from one another, and masturbate until one of you loses control and attacks the other (more likely than not, the person to lose it will be you).

Until next time, take off all her clothes, ask her to use her fingers to show you what she wants, and remember to wear a condom before going in for the kill.

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WOODHAM, U.K.—A British student has been sentenced to two years in jail for attempting to blackmail classmates with Facebook photos doctored to look like pornography.

The cheeky chap—Jake Breakwell, 21, from Woodham, Surrey—downloaded photos of his female classmates from their Facebook profiles, superimposed them onto porn-star bodies and then emailed them back to the unsuspecting victims, threatening to post the doctored pics online if they didn’t send him genuine naughty photos of themselves.

According to the Daily Mail, “One young girl found a MySpace profile set up in her name and, when she opened the page, discovered that her face had been added to the naked body of another, far larger, woman. Suggestive sexual comments had also been left on the page.

“Another victim,” the paper reports, “a university student, said Breakwell … had ruined her first year of college after he posted doctored photos of her on the internet, leaving her worried about how many other students had seen them and thought them real.

“And a third victim,” it continues, “who received emails from his pseudonym with her face superimposed onto ‘seriously pornographic’ images, felt betrayed by the offences, the judge said.”

“These were particularly unpleasant offences, carried out with a good deal of planning over a significant period of time,” the judge commented, after denying an appeal of the sentence. “His unsavory communications led to young women feeling humiliated, frightened and leaving them with a sense of violation.”

Breakwell may have been caught and punished, but he wasn’t successful in his scheming; none of his intended victims, all of whom he knew from school, complied with his demands.

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All men have a secret wedding checklist: five traits they look for in a woman that say she’s worth walking down the aisle for. He won’t pop the question without ‘em.

It happens all the time: A guy spends months, even years, in a long-term relationship with a girl he really digs. But after dropping the I-don’t-see-myself-ever-getting-married bomb, he suddenly turns around and ties the knot with a new chick. The factors that tip a dude from steady relationship to “till death do us part” seem like the ultimate unsolved mystery … especially when you’re in a solid LTR and aren’t sure if your guy is even considering marriage.

It all comes down to some elusive qualities women have a hard time understanding but men are always on the lookout for, explains Willard Harley Jr., Ph.D., author of I Promise You: Preparing for a Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime. “Part of what makes him want to get married is chemistry and passion, but it’s also about certain actions and behaviors that are more concrete than you’d think,” says Harley. Below, we clue you in to five crucial traits that separate the girls men date from the ones who make them want to set a date.

Tie-the-Knot-Trait 1: She’s Exciting and Always Evolving

You know how every season finale of your favorite TV show ends with a million unanswered questions and you can’t freaking wait for the next one? Well, a girl can give her guy that same thrilling mix of exhilaration and anticipation by surprising him.

“She does this by being spontaneous and a little unpredictable, taking on new interests all the time, and revealing different facets of herself,” explains Alon Gratch, Ph.D., author of If Love Could Think. By never letting life get static, this woman busts the myth that being married means feeling humdrum. “She makes being with her an adventure, as if there’s always a new idea or activity just around the bend,” says Gratch.

“With most of my girlfriends, I feared that we’d run out of things to talk about if we spent too much time together. But when I met my fiancée, Gwen, I kept discovering new layers to her. One day she came home from work with a stack of cookbooks; the next week she told me stories about how she loved designing outfits in high school. She’s full of small surprises.” —Brett, 29

“I dated a lot of girls who liked pushing boundaries, but it all seemed a little forced. My wife’s sense of adventure, however, comes from within. She’s naturally driven to challenge herself by trying new things. That’s the kind of girl you want to marry. If you aren’t continually fascinated by each other, it won’t last.” —Rob, 38

“The thing that makes my fiancée so captivating: She takes risks. I don’t mean she bungee jumps off bridges. It’s more that when a new opportunity comes along — a different facet to her job or the chance to meet new people at an event or party — she grabs it and proceeds. Her boldness makes her enchanting.” —Bob, 27

Tie-the-Knot-Trait 2: She Really, Really Loves Sex

No big shocker here — a chick who enjoys twisting the sheets will always have a hopping social life. But when a woman makes the effort to have really connected sex that involves both body and mind, she goes from great girlfriend to marriage material in his view.

“Men crave sex that’s erotic, but they also want sex that makes them feel deeply bonded,” says Gratch. In other words, it’s not all about wowing a guy with pretzel-like positions; a big part of having amazing booty is paying close attention to his mind-set and moods during the deed so sex reaches a higher, almost spiritual level.

Another thing that makes them think of the M word: when a woman is actively committed to keeping the passion on high boil. “A guy’s biggest fear is that the great sex that made him think you were The One will fall by the wayside,” explains Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., author of The 7 Love Agreements: Decisions You Can Make on Your Own to Strengthen Your Marriage. “A woman who puts effort into maintaining that sizzle is a dream come true.”

“To make sure that the awesome sex we had when we first met didn’t lose its passion, my wife came up with this idea for regular ‘sex bets.’ For example, she’d bet me that I couldn’t make her climax several times in a row, or I’d challenge her to initiate action in a semipublic spot. We have never fallen into a rut, and our competition keeps us feeling connected.” —Jamie, 30

“My fiancée did this terrific thing when we first started having sex: After we were finished, she’d tell me how good I made her feel, that she really liked how I felt against her skin. It made me want to tell her what I liked too. Guys aren’t supposed to admit it, but opening up about how sex affects us emotionally actually enhances the physical side of things.” —Paul, 28

“My fiancée was up-front from the start about her desire for an extremely satisfying sex life; she never had any hang-ups about taking charge in bed or proposing out-there activities that a lot of women would be afraid to admit they were curious about. I could tell I wasn’t getting ensnared in the classic bait-and-switch marriage that so many guys fall into — you know, when the action slows to a halt a year after you become husband and wife.” —Russ, 34

Tie-the-Knot-Trait 3: She Makes It Clear He’s Not Her Entire Life

It’s flattering to a guy to realize that his girl thinks the world of him, but it’s less appealing when he gets the impression that he is her world. That’s why a girlfriend who retains her independence and sense of self, even as the relationship takes a serious turn, has definite wife appeal.

“A woman who depends on a man for her sense of fulfillment is a scary thing for a guy,” says Gratch. “Men don’t want to feel smothered or totally responsible for their partner’s day-to-day happiness.” The guy ideal: a chick who views coupledom as a solid partnership in which both she and her man still have separate identities.

“Before we were married, Jess would go out with her group of friends a lot, which I later became a part of. But she didn’t put all of her focus on me. She made it clear that she was there to hang out with them. I really liked the fact that she wasn’t the type of girl who ditches her girlfriends when she meets a guy. It made me confident that she’d always have her own life outside our relationship.” —Sam, 33

“She definitely makes time for me so we can do things as boyfriend and girlfriend, but my fiancée also keeps up her own life. She has a weekly dinner with college friends, an art class every Thursday night, plus the responsibilities of her job as a journalist. I like that she doesn’t check with me first to see what I want to do and she doesn’t offer to bail out of an event or night out with pals in favor of always being with me.” —Charles, 35

Tie-the-Knot-Trait 4: …Yet She Still Conveys How Very Important He Is to Her

Okay, so men dig independent chicks. But there’s a fine line between being independent and acting aloof and detached. Guys settle down with a woman who regularly reveals her tender side and shows him that no matter what happens, she’s got his back.

“Men view life as a struggle or war that they’re fighting, and they want someone who’ll be on their side at all times, through thick and thin,” says Gratch. “This doesn’t mean that a woman should mother him or assist him with every little detail of his life; it’s more about consistently doing small, nurturing things that let him know you really care.”

A couple of examples: Bringing him a treat when he tells you he isn’t feeling well or complimenting his brilliance after he finishes a stressful work project. “These gestures are tiny, but they reassure a man that his girl is solidly on his team,” says Gratch.

“When we first started becoming a serious couple, my fiancé accepted a new job that required a lot of travel and attention. Still, even from hotels across the country, she took the time to call and check in on how my day was going and e-mail me little messages. She even stocked my refrigerator with beer and sandwiches before she’d leave on another trip. Her concern and thoughtfulness helped push our relationship to a higher level.” —David, 28

“Every so often, my in-laws and I will get into an argument. But from the very first one, my wife has always respectfully defended me, and this made me want to be with her forever. She loves her parents and values their opinions, of course, and she and I don’t always see eye to eye. Yet no matter what the issue is, she still lets her family know that she’s sticking by me. This is a big thing for guys. I know it sounds ridiculous, but men tend to see themselves as misunderstood lone wolves.”-Alan, 30

Tie-the-Knot-Trait 5: She Wants Him to Be the Best Man He Can Be

Men don’t secretly want their girlfriends to bark orders at them like a drill sergeant. It’s more about helping him reach his potential by actively supporting his goals, even pushing him a teensy bit so he can succeed in whatever he does.

“Young guys tend to try to get away with as little as possible, and a lot of women let them, thinking that it would be out of line to challenge their man,” says Harley. “But a man admires a woman who encourages him to shape up and toe the line … as long as she has his best interests in mind and isn’t trying to mold him.”

This also means calling his bluff and not letting him get away with slacking off. “Even though it might seem like tough love at the time, she helps him achieve and accomplish things, and deep down he appreciates her for that,” says Harley.

“Before we got engaged, the woman who is now my fiancé told me that she thought I was drinking too much, working too hard, and not taking care of myself. Ouch. But when I actually took in what she said, I knew that she was right and she was looking out for me. No other girlfriend had ever been so honest.” —Ryan, 29

“I wasn’t on speaking terms with my father for years, and when I told my girlfriend this and that I just didn’t care about having a relationship with him anymore, she didn’t nod sympathetically. She made me call him and work things out because she knew I’d eventually regret it if I didn’t. She had the guts to disagree with me about something most women wouldn’t want to get involved in.” —Shawn, 31

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LOS ANGELES — The Association of Sites Advocating Child Protection (ASACP) has announced that its CEO, Joan Irvine, has graduated from the Chamber of Commerce Leadership Redondo Beach program.

According to the association, the Leadership Redondo Beach program is similar to many other Chamber of Commerce leadership programs around the world; requiring a two year commitment, with the first year focusing on educating participants about the community while meeting with numerous city and business community leaders. The second year requires working on a group project that will benefit the city and residents of Redondo Beach.

During a ceremony at Wilderness Park, the graduates were honored with a congratulatory letter from Senator Diane Feinstein and Letters of Recognition from California Senator Jenny Oropeza and Assembly Member Ted Lieu. In honor of the graduation, Irvine and her classmates were also presented with a Letter of Recognition from Congresswoman Jane Harman and a Mayor’s Commendation from the City of Redondo Beach at its City Council meeting.

Due to the water crisis in California, and Redondo Beach’s additional problem of water run-off into the ocean, the leadership program chose to plant an educational Get Water Smart Garden in Wilderness Park as its group project. This garden includes native and water tolerant plants. Many in the community helped to bring this vision to fruition including the Eagle Scouts who built seating from logs so people could rest while enjoying the Zen-like garden. In addition to the garden, a fundraiser was held at Sea Lab and education material was provided to grade school children as well as information to businesses and residents.

“I spend so much time working on national and international online child protection issues that I felt it was important to give back to my local community,” Irvine said. “Children spend too much time online, so it’s important to enhance such a great place like Wilderness Park where they can learn about nature and even camp in the woods.”

“While we were working in the garden, it was great to see so many families taking advantage of this great community resource,” Irvine added. “It’s a good feeling to know that the Get Water Smart Garden will be around for decades to educate future generations of Redondo Beach children.”

Irvine started with ASACP in 2002 as Executive Director and was promoted to CEO in 2008. She has worked in business technology and association management for more than 25 years for companies including ADP, SDC and VIC. She advocates on behalf of online child protection in Washington and Sacramento, and participates in the Financial Coalition Against Child Pornography, Family Online Safety Institute, and the Congressional Internet Caucus Advisory Committee. She belongs to the American Society of Association Executives (ASAE) and is a graduate of the Redondo Beach Chamber of Commerce Leadership program. She has a BA in Human Development and Psychology from the University of Kansas.

Founded in 1996, ASACP is a non-profit organization dedicated to eliminating child pornography from the Internet. ASACP also works to help parents prevent children from viewing age-restricted material online with its Restricted To Adults (RTA) website label.

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